Life after broken trust

LegacyUser

Ok!

Here's my problem. I'm 23 and have been single for the past 10 months. The last guy I was seeing turned out to be a completely different person than I thought he was (ie. a liar, selfish git, and basically a pathetic excuse for a man) and it all ended very badly, painfully etc.

All through the relationship I did my best to be a nice, caring, supportive and unselfish girlfriend. In fact, in trying so hard to be a good girlfriend, I'm afraid that I just came across as a doormat.

Now I feel as though I'm going to be single forever. I'm wary of all guys given the last one's history of sneaking around behind my back and lying etc...and also the truth of it is that it's very difficult to meet new people if you're working six or seven days a week and are not into the whole 'getting smashed and having one night stands' scene. And I don't feel as though I should have to choose between my career and my social life. I've only had two relationships that have lasted any length of time and really I met those two by chance.

So, basically my question is threefold:

A. Where on this godforsaken island can a person like myself go to meet nice, normal guys?

B. Is there ever any way to tell if they're going to be horrible liars/timewasters before you spend too much of your precious time on them?

(Given that they all have their standard six-month 'good behaviour' period before they show you their real personality)

C. Is there any logical reason why guys feel the need to get into a long-term relationship if they know deep down that he's just going to lie or cheat or be utterly selfish and uncaring or just simply screw over the nice, honest, caring girlfriend (that a lot of us are)?

Pigman II

A. Where on this godforsaken island can a person like myself go to meet nice, normal guys?

Try a church.

B. Is there ever any way to tell if they're going to be horrible liars/timewasters before you spend too much of your precious time on them?

You could always try asking.

(Given that they all have their standard six-month 'good behaviour' period before they show you their real personality)

Funny! I've clocked a womens average 'porn sex' phase at around six months too! Who's playing which games now exactly?

C. Is there any logical reason why guys feel the need to get into a long-term relationship if they know deep down that he's just going to lie or cheat or be utterly selfish and uncaring or just simply screw over the nice, honest, caring girlfriend (that a lot of us are)?

Yes, because you don't want the same things as us and won't give us what we want otherwise. We might play the games but you wrote the rulebook.

LegacyUser

That's pretty harsh!! Sounds like you've had a bad experience like me. Maybe the problem is just a certain breed of people as opposed to a battle of the sexes. I guess it's just frustrating to do your best by a person only to find out that they were cheating on you, lying to you etc. It's the betrayal I hate so much.

Still...what can you do eh?

simu

ggggggggggg wrote:

B. Is there ever any way to tell if they're going to be horrible liars/timewasters before you spend too much of your precious time on them?

(Given that they all have their standard six-month 'good behaviour' period before they show you their real personality)

I don't get how it's possible for these boyfriends of yours to put on a facade successfully for 6 months unless you only see them once or twice a week. Anytime I've started off on what later turned out to be a good relationship, both of us started to spend most of our time together and find out about each other's lives pretty much straight away. Some people are afraid of jumping in too fast too soon but if you click with a person and they with you, you ought to feel impelled to be together most of the time and I don't see why not tbh.

Coney Island

World is going crazy....

It looks like 99% of the singles out there (me included) complains that there are no places to meet "decent women" (for men) or "decent men" (for women).....

Plenty of single men/women who got hurt and do not feel like trusting anyone, as a result they often end up hurting other people, creating a circle with no end :rolleyes:

Men/women who dump just because they are afraid getting dumped first...... :eek:

Women who complain that all men are cheaters and then I think about it for a minute and realise that in the last 12 months I have been with many more "taken" women than single ones...mmmm :rolleyes:

I don't know anybody who got by the age of 30 who could really trust the other gender, and although this is sad, it is also the fashinating part of relationships....

LegacyUser

It's just a terrible fact of life that people are cheaters.

You need to be wary but open to new people at the same time. The truth of it is that many people are just immature and hopefully will eventually realise the hurt that they're causing and cop on at some point.

In the meantime just take care of number 1 and do what makes you happy.

Sleepy

Coney Island wrote:

I don't know anybody who got by the age of 30 who could really trust the other gender, and although this is sad, it is also the fashinating part of relationships....

Maybe if they started treating each other as people as opposed to a man / woman they might get along better?

While as a generalisation it's fairly safe to say "women take longer getting ready to go out than men do" it's not safe to apply that generalisation to any individual without proof that they fall into this category. We form relationships with people, not generalisations.

OP, I'm guessing simu is right in thinking that any relationship you pursue is of the "see each other once or twice a week" variety. Quite simply we do have to choose a balance between our work and social lives and if you're working 6/7 days a week, it's obvious that you value your career more than your social life / interpersonal relationships. While there's nothing wrong with this per se, I personally wouldn't be interested in a relationship with someone who worked those hours. I like to have a girlfriend, not a girl I meet a couple of times a week. Could it be that you're actually behaving in this manner as a result of your own commitment issues?

Sleepy

Oh, and bad mouthing a ex is always a bad way to encourage another person to be interested in you

LegacyUser

Well..there are an awful lot of presumptions here!

Actually, it was never a case of an occasional day together here and there, it's possible to work 8-4 six days a week and also have a social life!My cheater ex also worked long hours, in the same industry as me. We spent a lot of time together at first, most evenings in fact, and every day off (for the first six months) and then he started putting me off more and more. (because...well... he was cheating on me!!)

What I have done here is anonymously posed a few questions, I would never lower myself to badmouth an ex around my peers.

Reesy

ggggggggggg wrote:

Ok!

Here's my problem. I'm 23 and have been single for the past 10 months. The last guy I was seeing turned out to be a completely different person than I thought he was (ie. a liar, selfish git, and basically a pathetic excuse for a man) and it all ended very badly, painfully etc.

All through the relationship I did my best to be a nice, caring, supportive and unselfish girlfriend. In fact, in trying so hard to be a good girlfriend, I'm afraid that I just came across as a doormat.

Now I feel as though I'm going to be single forever. I'm wary of all guys given the last one's history of sneaking around behind my back and lying etc...and also the truth of it is that it's very difficult to meet new people if you're working six or seven days a week and are not into the whole 'getting smashed and having one night stands' scene. And I don't feel as though I should have to choose between my career and my social life. I've only had two relationships that have lasted any length of time and really I met those two by chance.

So, basically my question is threefold:

A. Where on this godforsaken island can a person like myself go to meet nice, normal guys?

B. Is there ever any way to tell if they're going to be horrible liars/timewasters before you spend too much of your precious time on them?

(Given that they all have their standard six-month 'good behaviour' period before they show you their real personality)

C. Is there any logical reason why guys feel the need to get into a long-term relationship if they know deep down that he's just going to lie or cheat or be utterly selfish and uncaring or just simply screw over the nice, honest, caring girlfriend (that a lot of us are)?

Hi,

First, sorry to see you were so ill-used. You have my sympathy. I'm no expert on relationships or good at choosing, just very lucky to be in a good one. Anyway, for what little it's worth:

a) I don't know. Maybe join an evening class or a hillwalking group or similar. If doing a class, pick a subject you like and something some men might do. I'm not suggesting the 'desperate of Foxrock' tactic of doing a sailing course in order to meet a man with a boat!

b) I doubt it. But perhaps you'll permit me one observation. One or two of the single women I know have a similar & recurring problem, of meeting & going out with guys who then let them down. It strikes me that these women have something in common - and it's hard to put into words but I think it's something to do with them not being clear and firm enough in expressing what they want from the developing relationship. Please understand that I'm not for a moment suggesting that this is your fault, God no. And I've never met you so I can't say whether this might or might not apply to you. But for these ladies at least, I get the feeling that there's not enough of _them_ in the relationship. Not really the partnership of equals, but more him having the upper hand. Of her putting him very subtly on a pedestal. Of not daring to mention the commitment stuff etc. Like I said, it's hard to express & I've not expressed it clearly here. But what to change? How could these (clever, cute...) women do it differently? That's hard. Maybe for these ladies, it's to act like they care less. To be clear on what they want & to make the relationship more balanced... in the little things. If this doesn't sound helpful or true just ignore it all. One other thing you might think of, thought it might not be practical... ask the guy, or get someone else to ask the guy, what was the cause & when it was that he started to disengage from the relationship. This 'Critical Incident Technique' is used to solve recurring problems in processes - the downside is that it'll make you think it's your fault. It's not. But maybe it'll help you avoid a repetition.

c) No comment.

Good luck.

Reesy

tinkerbell

ggggggggggg wrote:

A. Where on this godforsaken island can a person like myself go to meet nice, normal guys?

Expand your circle of friends. Go on a night out with your friends and get them to bring their friends along too, the more people you know, the more people you'll meet

ggggggggggg wrote:

B. Is there ever any way to tell if they're going to be horrible liars/timewasters before you spend too much of your precious time on them?

(Given that they all have their standard six-month 'good behaviour' period before they show you their real personality)

Now let's not go on the "all men are real evil" brigade, that'll get you nowhere. Not all guys are like that you know. It may seem it now, but you just happened to stumble across a few bad eggs. But like they say, you have to kiss the frogs before you get the prince. Everyone has had a dud in the past. And there is a way of telling if they won't mess you around - what is the person like? You should know practically straight off if that person is a good person or a wary type. But sometimes it happens that you can be tricked into thinking they won't cheat on you - you just have to trust your gut.

ggggggggggg wrote:

C. Is there any logical reason why guys feel the need to get into a long-term relationship if they know deep down that he's just going to lie or cheat or be utterly selfish and uncaring or just simply screw over the nice, honest, caring girlfriend (that a lot of us are)?

It's not just men who can screw over the nice caring girlfriend. There are quite a few lads who I know who are wonderful and have been ****ed over royally by their girlfriends, just because they treated their girls like a princess.

You just have to take it with a pinch of salt, I guess. Don't give up hope yet, there are tons of great lads out there, you just haven't met any of them yet, so don't lose hope!

HashSlinging

ggggggggggg wrote:

Ok!

Here's my problem.

You need to get out more. plenty fish etc etc. throw yourself about a bit. you sound like a nice girl.