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Poison

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  • 02-08-2005 1:44pm
    #1
    lilmissprincess
    Registered Users Posts: 3,016 ✭✭✭


    You must realise
    That i am not the one
    Who spreads the poison.
    You are.

    Every lie you tell,
    every sentence with my name,
    You spread more poison
    All around.

    Your poison ruins lives,
    It nearly ruined mine,
    I have lost my friends,
    Thanks to your poison

    Maybe you shuld try
    Being on the recieving end
    of your own poison-
    Bade ye goodbye


Comments

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    #2
    the raven
    Registered Users Posts: 329 ✭✭the raven


    you should check out alice cooper...


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    #3
    TerrorFirmer
    Closed Accounts Posts: 29,930 ✭✭✭✭TerrorFirmer


    It appears to be a bit simplistic.....a bit TOO simplistic I think? Not criticizing you, just giving my opening opinion on your piece.


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    #4
    the raven
    Registered Users Posts: 329 ✭✭the raven


    MobileInfantry wrote:
    It appears to be a bit simplistic.....a bit TOO simplistic I think? Not criticizing you, just giving my opening opinion on your piece.

    what's wrong with criticism??? criticising someone isn't a damn negative thing!! get that into your head! your insulting them if you aren't criticising them, which you are anyway seeing as an opinion is still a criticism...


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    #5
    Waltons
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,677 ✭✭✭Waltons


    "Bade ye goodbye"??
    This line is very out of place with the rest of the poem


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    #6
    the raven
    Registered Users Posts: 329 ✭✭the raven


    Waltons wrote:
    "Bade ye goodbye"??
    This line is very out of place with the rest of the poem

    ha! i didn't even notice that... couldn't finish it...


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    #7
    koneko
    Registered Users Posts: 10,304 ✭✭✭✭koneko


    MobileInfantry wrote:
    It appears to be a bit simplistic.....a bit TOO simplistic I think? Not criticizing you, just giving my opening opinion on your piece.

    That's how I felt too. The other thread (Friends?) feels the same. It reads more like a diary entry than poetry, it doesn't seem to flow or feel like there's any real raw power or emotion to it.


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    #8
    Nidge
    Closed Accounts Posts: 560 ✭✭✭Nidge


    lilmissprincess wrote:
    You must realise
    That i am not the one
    Who spreads the poison.
    You are.

    Every lie you tell,
    every sentence with my name,
    You spread more poison
    All around.

    Your poison ruins lives,
    It nearly ruined mine,
    I have lost my friends,
    Thanks to your poison

    Maybe you shuld try
    Being on the recieving end
    of your own poison-
    Bade ye goodbye

    Yeah I'm afraid this seems very like one of LeRack's poems that I commented on. All you seem to be doing is saying exactly what you want to say and unless the person is a murderer the poison is the only metaphor or technique used to conceal the way the person you are talking about has effected you in reality. As someone said it's like a diary entry possibly even a letter to the person who is the subject of the poem.


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    #9
    Le Rack
    Closed Accounts Posts: 9,846 ✭✭✭Le Rack


    not one of your best dear and "Bade ye goodbye" wha?


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    #10
    lilmissprincess
    Registered Users Posts: 3,016 ✭✭✭lilmissprincess


    For all of yeer info, this was another of my 2am poems. The Bade ye goodbye came out of nowhere, it just managed to fit, I want that person out of my life type thing. Seeing that I actaully took them out of my life earlier that night, it was a diary entry. I'll try better next time.


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