Poison

lilmissprincess

You must realise
That i am not the one
Who spreads the poison.
You are.

Every lie you tell,
every sentence with my name,
You spread more poison
All around.

Your poison ruins lives,
It nearly ruined mine,
I have lost my friends,
Thanks to your poison

Maybe you shuld try
Being on the recieving end
of your own poison-
Bade ye goodbye

the raven

you should check out alice cooper...

TerrorFirmer

It appears to be a bit simplistic.....a bit TOO simplistic I think? Not criticizing you, just giving my opening opinion on your piece.

the raven

MobileInfantry wrote:

It appears to be a bit simplistic.....a bit TOO simplistic I think? Not criticizing you, just giving my opening opinion on your piece.

what's wrong with criticism??? criticising someone isn't a damn negative thing!! get that into your head! your insulting them if you aren't criticising them, which you are anyway seeing as an opinion is still a criticism...

Waltons

"Bade ye goodbye"??
This line is very out of place with the rest of the poem

the raven

Waltons wrote:

"Bade ye goodbye"??
This line is very out of place with the rest of the poem

ha! i didn't even notice that... couldn't finish it...

koneko

MobileInfantry wrote:

It appears to be a bit simplistic.....a bit TOO simplistic I think? Not criticizing you, just giving my opening opinion on your piece.

That's how I felt too. The other thread (Friends?) feels the same. It reads more like a diary entry than poetry, it doesn't seem to flow or feel like there's any real raw power or emotion to it.

Nidge

lilmissprincess wrote:

You must realise
That i am not the one
Who spreads the poison.
You are.

Every lie you tell,
every sentence with my name,
You spread more poison
All around.

Your poison ruins lives,
It nearly ruined mine,
I have lost my friends,
Thanks to your poison

Maybe you shuld try
Being on the recieving end
of your own poison-
Bade ye goodbye

Yeah I'm afraid this seems very like one of LeRack's poems that I commented on. All you seem to be doing is saying exactly what you want to say and unless the person is a murderer the poison is the only metaphor or technique used to conceal the way the person you are talking about has effected you in reality. As someone said it's like a diary entry possibly even a letter to the person who is the subject of the poem.

Le Rack

not one of your best dear and "Bade ye goodbye" wha?

lilmissprincess

For all of yeer info, this was another of my 2am poems. The Bade ye goodbye came out of nowhere, it just managed to fit, I want that person out of my life type thing. Seeing that I actaully took them out of my life earlier that night, it was a diary entry. I'll try better next time.