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  • 02-08-2005 1:41pm
    #1
    lilmissprincess
    Registered Users Posts: 3,016 ✭✭✭


    You were my friends,
    Or so i thought,
    Yesterday i guess
    You must've forgot

    We used to laugh
    And joke and sing
    Now all that is gone
    I cant hear a thing.

    The day you shouted
    And called me names
    Our "friendship"
    Will never be the same

    Why did you accuse me
    Of what I didnt do
    Is it simply because
    You wanted to?

    You were my friends,
    Or so I thought,
    But true friends dont do that,
    True friends you are not.


Comments

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    #2
    Le Rack
    Closed Accounts Posts: 9,846 ✭✭✭Le Rack


    was it the people I don't like???
    Start using metaphors hun.


  • Options
    #3
    TerrorFirmer
    Closed Accounts Posts: 29,930 ✭✭✭✭TerrorFirmer


    Again, its too simple....like a diary in paragraph form, no poetic or emotional feeling to it at all.

    Sorry, but thats about as poetic your work is...you need to really go deeper, think about what you are saying, I know poetry is meant to be individual but you need to really change your style for it to be anyway engrossing or effective.


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    #4
    airetam_storm
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,301 ✭✭✭airetam_storm


    I wouldnt be as critical as Mobile, it was alright-good. I like the clear message in it


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    #5
    lilmissprincess
    Registered Users Posts: 3,016 ✭✭✭lilmissprincess


    thanx for your criticism and comments lads...its just what I'm thinking late at night when I'm angry at how life has treated me that day.


  • Options
    #6
    ANarcho-Munk
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,397 ✭✭✭ANarcho-Munk


    MobileInfantry wrote:
    Again, its too simple....like a diary in paragraph form, no poetic or emotional feeling to it at all.

    Sorry, but thats about as poetic your work is...you need to really go deeper, think about what you are saying, I know poetry is meant to be individual but you need to really change your style for it to be anyway engrossing or effective.


    Mobile Infantry is spot on, there is absolutlely nothing memorable in that poem, there is no strong use of language, no metaphors, there is nothing. It's just completely directionless and doesn't interest me one bit.
    It's basically a rhyming diary entry. And all your poetry seems to be covering all the exact same issues, try something new and experiment with different more engrossing idea's.


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