Something to read at coffee break.

Hobbes

Taken from the weekly world news (The online version of the supermarket tabloids). Funny other story they had that Heaven is 300 Billion light years away and no one has a chance of getting there (proved in secret nasa photos from the Hubble). So you's are all screwed anyway.

NOSTRADAMUS' PREDICTIONS FOR 2000!
Iraqui terrorists decapitate President Bill and First Lady Hillary Clinton while they sleep peacefully in the White House. freak tidal waves wash over Tokyo and New York on the same day, leveling skyscrapers and killing millions. and Jesus Christ returns to Earth on Easter Sunday -- meeting Satan and his demonic armies face-to-face in an apocalyptic "good-versus-evil" showdown (only on pay-per-view) just months before all of history grinds to a halt. . . and the world comes to an end!
These are just a sample of the terrifying predictions famed 16th-century seer Nostradamus made for the Year 2000 -- predictions proving beyond doubt that we are, in fact, living in the End Times.
"These predictions are mean visions for mean times and they ought to scare the hell out of you," declared historian Dr. Ross Malton, who has spent the past 35 years studying and decoding thousands of predictions that Nostradamus passed down to us in his legendary book, The Centuries.
"Nostradamus gives as grim a portrait of our future as I have ever seen. Even the return of Christ will do little to ease the terror, pain and suffering. In the face of what Nostradamus is telling us, I'm terrified -- for you, for me, for my family, for everyone. These are terrible times to live in."
Dr. Malton says that although Nostradamus' predictions are given in the form of highly symbolic verse, 15 of the 200 predictions the seer made for the Year 2000, are "so clear and precise that they can only be interpreted one way."

Here are those 15 predictions, followed by Dr. Malton's interpretation:

1 The slave revolts in senseless silence, death falls from the sky on either side, first with fire and then with stealth, the New Land buries 200,000, the former enemy one million.

"This predictions couldn't be clearer," said Dr. Malton. "The slave, of course, is the computer -- and the revolt is the Y2K computer glitch -- the senseless silence -- that we face at one second after midnight on January 1, 2000. Death falling from the sky is an obvious reference to nuclear warheads, falling first with fire, the explosion, and then with stealth -- invisible but deadly radioactive fallout. The New Land is America. Unfortunately, Nostradamus doesn't specify any targets, although judging from the predicted death toll, I think it's safe to say we're talking about strikes on a major population center -- New York or Washington, in the United States, Moscow in Russia.

2 The great man and his wife perish, felled by evil swords, from safe sleep and promise all is lost, the murderers return triumphant (to) Babylon.

"There's not much to interpret here -- although I wish there were," said Dr. Malton. "In fact, Nostradamus is telling us that terrorists will decapitate the great man -- President Bill Clinton and his wife, First Lady Hillary Clinton. The fact that he says they are killed during a safe sleep suggests they are attacked and killed in the White House. He further says they return triumphant to Babylon -- Iraq. Triumphant to Nostradamus would mean with the object or objects of their mission -- in this case the Clintons' heads.

3 The sea opens and closes, the sea opens and closes, the New City falls and stands in death, the Old City disappears.

"The New City is New York City," said Dr. Malton, "and the Old City is Tokyo. The sea opening and closing is how Nostradamus describes back-to-back or possibly even simultaneous tidal waves. To say that the New City falls and stands in death suggests a heavy loss of human life and heavy, but not total property damage. Tokyo, apparently, will fare less well.
"When Nostradamus says vanishes, he means it."

4 The locusts and the people starve, from north to south to east to west bread is the wealth gold can't buy.

"This is reference to world drought of such severity that even the locusts will do without," Dr. Malton said.

5 From the beginning the end erupts, a night os sickness and despair, the people cry for mercy, there is no mercy for two billion.

"Nostradamus is predicting the emergence of an End Times virus" and global epidemic -- "the beginning" is Africa where virtually all new viruses come from and the end is what, he says, two billion people face during the night of sickness.
"Of course, Nostradamus isn't the only one prediction a global epidemic. Leading scientists are telling us to expect the same."

6 The secrets of the stars are known, terror fills the land, who will save themselves and become the slaves (of men) not of Earth?

"This prediction suggests that extraterrestrials come to Earth and offer humans a way out of Year 2000 chaos -- enslavement," Dr. Malton said.

7 Family and family, friend and friend, no safety from within.

"Nostradamus is telling us to expect a breakdown of civilization and anarchy and madness that will follow," said Dr. Malton. "It will be every man, woman and child for himself."

8 On Easter Day our Lord does come, not all is happy in the Land, Satan waits with armies mighty, the battle begins badly for (good) people.

"Nostradamus predicts Christ will return to Earth and make himself known in the Holy Land - - Jerusalem I would presume -- on Easter Sunday," said Dr. Malton. "But the prediction goes on to tell us that Satan will be more than ready. And when the final Battle between Good and Evil -- Armageddon -- begins, the forces of Evil will achieve early and devastating victories."

9 The New Land trembles for two weeks, in the East, Atlantis. In the East, the gates of Hell.

"This is a terrifying prediction indeed," said Dr. Malton. "Nostradamus is warning that for weeks, the New Land, the United States, will be rocked by earthquakes as Atlantis rises in the East. But Atlantis, he tells us, isn't merely a lost city -- Atlantis is the gateway to Hell."

10 The New Landers see nothing, but they suffer like sheep, the people see nothing, but they die like sheep. There is no safety in numbers, invisible enemies rule their cities.

"This refers to the release of the anthrax virus in big cities such as Los Angeles, New York, Kansas City, Atlanta, Miami, Philadelphia, Chicago, Dallas," said Dr. Malton. "Invisible enemies are terrorists."

11 They pretend to be who they aren't and the people are confused, why do 11 wear the Crown of Thorns? They are evil.

"Nostradamus is warning of 11 Anti-Christs who will rise to power in the Year 2000," Dr. Malton said.

12 Countries old bid for evil, their goodness a deception

"This is a warning that Europe -- the old countries -- will fight for Satan in the Battle of Armageddon," Dr. Malton said.

13 some will serve Satan, others will not, decisions made on this day will last forever, and yet the Battle rages on.

"At some point during the year, apparently while the Battle of Armageddon is still being waged, there will be enticements of offers from Satan," said Dr. Malton. "The decisions people make about whom to serve -- Satan or God -- at this particular juncture in history will, as Nostradamus says, be irrevocable and will last forever. The fact that anyone might choose to side with Satan suggests that at this particular time, the war will be going badly for God and Christ."

14 The smoke is thick, the stench strong, those who remain are not men.

"As the end of all things grows nearer, humanity is reduced to an animal-like state," Dr. Malton explained.

15 December 11 ends and begins, 144,000 rise from the grave, to the kingdom of Heaven, to the billions Hell.

"Nostradamus tells us God and Christ vanquish Satan and Evil on December 11, 2000 -- the day the world ends," said Dr. Malton. "And he doesn't varnish the truth -- only 144,000 men, women and children are Heaven-bound," said Dr. Malton. "This figure is given to us in the Bible. And as terrifying as the prospect is, virtually everyone who ever lived is going to Hell."

Hobbes

I take it back, this one is funnier.

http://www.weeklyworldnews.com/stories/1515.html

Canaboid

OH MY GOD !
What do we do, What do we do ?

Canaboid

LET YOUR FINGERS DO THE WALKING
-- Instead of throwing out an old telephone, turn it into your private "hot line" to Heaven.

"Simply pull the phone out of the jack, then keep it by your bedside,". "When you feel the urge to chat with your guardian angel, just pick up the receiver and start talking. There's a good chance your angel will talk back."

Jak

Reminds me of that doctor guy in England who sold his house and possessions and budgeted to have everything spent by the time of the total eclipse. He also told people to stop having kids as it was pointless cause the world was ending.

Last time i heard of him was 2 days before the eclipse ... warning us all on Breakfast TV ...

bet he felt cool for about 30seconds of that eclipse .. before everyone turned around and laughed at him when the sun came back.

Hobbes

Canaboid that works! However my angel is telling me that I should kill you all.

Speaking of weridos btw, what ever happend to David Eke (spell that right?). I still think he was payed big money by the energy corporations to pull that stunt at the Greenpeace conference.

Canaboid

Ikey, the son of God ? I saw him on TV a while back, lucid as you like, no purple tracksuit and not spouting crap about cosmic waves and stuff. He did look kinda embarrassed, although I'd say he'll look that way 'til the day he dies.

I tried the phone thing but I couldn't get a friggin' dial tone. I phoned Eircom but they told me to bugger off as I wasn't plugged in to the wall it wasn't their problem. Tried directory enquirys but they said my guardian angel was ex-directory and they wouldn't give me the number. Bloody Eircom - I'm glad I didn't buy shares in such a shoddy operation.

Hecate

Nostradamus says a lot of things.

Jak

That's why he ended up bein right half the time ... vague descriptions ... let some clever people (with too much time on their hands) at them ... and voila ....

Smartest fkin Prophesy seer type bloke in the world ...ever!

J.

I could do that