The Waiting Room

LadyJ

I heard a joke I thought you'd like
But I can't call this time of night
The setting sun means just one thing:
Frustration's what horizons bring.
Temptation just to to run amok
Yet in this waiting room I'm stuck.
Imagination's at its peak
Though silence sweeps through city streets.
The sleepers sleep while thinkers wake
And think,but wish it weren't so late.
The jokers laugh but make no sound
For punch lines night-time's walls surround.
The darkness is procrastination
And man squirms with anticipation.
For stars are not the light of day;
Pathetic little night-time rays.
The moon is but a duller sun
I must cut short my outdoor fun,
I postpone my further plans
'Til sunshine lights the blackened land.
And while I'm lying in this place
I wish that I could see your face
Because I heard a joke you'd like
But I can't call in the dead of night.

randomhuman

Wow, that's brilliant. I feel like that all the time. It sucks to be a nightowl (sometimes)

LadyJ

I know. I'm an insomniac. It's ****!

ANarcho-Munk

Me too, these last few weeks I've getting to sleep around 5 am :S

LadyJ

I find that I think about everything far too much at night and it pisses me off that I have to wait until the morning to fix a problem or talk to someone.

the raven

not really a great poem...
the rhyme and rhythm are really off and off-putting. the diction used in some areas is forced and really makes the reader want to skip to the end or not read it at all.
there's plenty of potential there but as with all the burgeoning artists here you seem to be lost in what poetry should be, in the sense of structure and syntax etc etc, not viewing it as a completely maleable, literary form of expression. discard the preconceptions and you'll fly.

BEAT

the raven wrote:

not really a great poem...
the rhyme and rhythm are really off and off-putting. the diction used in some areas is forced and really makes the reader want to skip to the end or not read it at all.
.

often times, as I have read many of your criticism's, you group your opinions with that of other people as you have done above.
"really makes the reader want to skip to the end or not read it at all"
You should have said, "me' not the reader as I quite enjoyed it.

It is infact a piece of poetry...and a good one in my opinion.
You seem to pretend to be something you are not when being a critic,
I have studied many many authors over the years and this piece would fall right into one of thier pages tbh.

I think Ladj captured her feelings and annoyance in a clever way, and it's form only backs up what she is trying to say...if you looked at it from another angle perhaps you would see that.

I dont often comment, especially when I think a piece is really bad but I will always give credit where credit is due

LadyJ

Cheers Beat.
Raven,thank you for your comments. Any criticism is much appreciated. However,there was nothing "forced" about this poem whatsoever. What exactly was "off" about the rhythm? I thought it was one of my more rhythmic pieces.

TerrorFirmer

Hmmm, I liked it. As Raven said, some of the poem suddenly falls flat to me while I read it, when it exits almost constant ryhming to a sudden stop, then suddenly starts again. I don't know if this was intentional, like to split the poem into two?

Anyway, at least, I am happy to say I liked it actually, thought it was good, lots of promise and of course a display of obvious talent.

Keep up the good work

LadyJ

MobileInfantry wrote:

Hmmm, I liked it. As Raven said, some of the poem suddenly falls flat to me while I read it, when it exits almost constant ryhming to a sudden stop, then suddenly starts again. I don't know if this was intentional, like to split the poem into two?

Glad you liked it
But which part are you talking about here?

Nidge

the raven wrote:

not really a great poem...
the rhyme and rhythm are really off and off-putting. the diction used in some areas is forced and really makes the reader want to skip to the end or not read it at all.
there's plenty of potential there but as with all the burgeoning artists here you seem to be lost in what poetry should be, in the sense of structure and syntax etc etc, not viewing it as a completely maleable, literary form of expression. discard the preconceptions and you'll fly.

I have to say I completely disagree with what you said about this poem.

Firstly, I haven't a clue what you mean by "off and off-putting", unless you mean; off and on-putting. I never once felt the rhythm stutter. The rhyming is always there in some capacity, even when it was half-rhyming it worked. Such as the first few lines: "...like, ...night". Later aswell "...amok,...stuck,...peak" they all end with the same sound, it's consistent and as good as rhyming.

Speaking of which you are saying that she got "lost in what poetry should be". That's a load of ceck. If anything her poem is insanely different from every poem on here, she didn't break it up into lines of 4, just like everyone else, she didn't have four verses, the lines were as long as they needed to be, she didn't always rhyme like everyone else. She said exactly what she wanted to say without and wasn't forced off topic by trying to comply with the rules of poetry. There's only one line where I can see that was influenced by needing to rhyme, and it still worked.

In short I liked this poem, I can completely relate to what you said in it, good work.

LadyJ

Thank you Nidge.
Yes Raven,I'm just wondering what you think I think poetry "should be"?
Is it the rhyming that you have a problem with? I'm just curious. I don't think that a poem should be described as "forced" just because it rhymes. Think "Ning Nang Nong"!

LadyJ

EDIT: I accidently posted twice. Oops! :rolleyes:

randomhuman

Actually, there were two places where the rythm seemed kind of awkward to me.

For punch lines night-time's walls surround.
_ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ _ ^ (That's how it sounds to me anyway)

I like that line anyway though, because it's clever.

And man squirms with anticipation.
_ ^ ^ _ ^ ^_^ _ I think that causes an unpleasant pause after man

I think it'd be better as

And people squirm with anticipation
_ ^ _ ^ _ ^ ^_^ _

But maybe that wouldn't suit for you. I've nothing negative to say about the rhyming, I thought it was fantastic. Subtle.

LadyJ

The poem runs fairly fast in my mind so "people" would cause an unbalanced rhythm for me. Though maybe just remove the "and" and it would run more smoothly...

randomhuman

Wow, that didn't come out at all like I typed it... Oh well.

randomhuman

Yeah, that'll do it too

Waltons

Well done on this! I thought it was a very enjoyable poem. The only part I wasn't particularly fond of was the "For punch lines night-time's walls surround" line but it didn't really take any of my enjoyment from the poem.
Nice work!

Ro: maaan!

I liked it.

LadyJ

I know I posted this ages ago but recently I've been thinking about trying to get it published.

Was wondering if people (wiser than myself ) think that it's good enough for that kind of thing? I mean,I don't think of myself as a good writer or a writer at all for that matter,but I re-read this recently and I thought maybe I'd see if I could get it published.

Even just in a junior cert textbook or something!

MagnumForce

I like it, it kind of reminds me of my own abandoned poetry writings. i don't think the rhythm is off ar anything, its all in iambic tetrameter and if people cant read it properly thats their problem!

Matt Holck

ja gut

I'd pick it apart but I'm too tired to

lilmissprincess

I liked it, I didn't pay attention to rhyming shemes just the pure emotion that ran through it cos Man there are times I feel so much like that. But everyone else is asleep. This poem rocked..

shiv

Afraid I have to agree with Raven on this one. I do think it has potential and I like the idea, but I know it's the rhyming that's putting me off. It's personal preference as I generally don't like rhyming poems, especially when it does come across as a tad forced...

At first glance I did skip the middle. I think my eyes were scanning to see if the whole poem was a rhymer...when it was it put me off...