Exploiting Peer-to-Peer Networking

RefulgentGnomon · 31-07-2005 1:04am #1

Funny article:

I think just about anyone who meets me and talks to me for long enough comes to terms with the fact that I am a very sick, twisted person. Also factor in a few mountain dews, a Peer-to-Peer connection, and boredom and you get what might be the funniest combination imaginable.

I had been downloading music yesterday evening. Led Zeppelin, REO Speedwagon, Flock of Seagulls, things like that. Then I realized that it'd be a funny joke to play on people if I were to change "Keep on Rolling" to "Hot Lesbian Sex". I watched as within minutes this file got 50 downloads. I was astounded.

Then the Tom got an idea.
An awful idea.
The Tom got a wonderful awful idea.

What if, perhaps, I was to change some of these names to sick pornography titles? I wonder if I'd get any bites?

And this is where the fun begins.

The first title I put up was "Naked boys dancing and eating cake." I sat in anticipation, waiting for my first download. Success, the first download came. Then the second. Then the third. This baby was steamrolling down the information super highway like a trucker with a hardon that has 2 miles left to the next truck stop. Before I knew it, I was getting twenty downloads. Then thirty. Then fifty. Can you imagine that in the end, rather than getting dancing boys naked and indulging themselves with sweets and frolicking in a dewy meadow, one-hundred thirty two people got a disappointing video of Led Zeppelin performing "Dazed and Confused" in front of a live audience? At this point, I had no choice but to continue.

The second title I put up was "My Ex-Girlfriend mowing the lawn naked." I thought that this was too far out to get any downloads. Alas, I was wrong. It got a download. Then two. Then thirty. In the end, seventy-eight sweaty, drooling ****s wanted to see my ex girlfriend mow the lawn stark naked. She's not even that hot. Rather then get their lawn-mowing beauty, they got the song "Ozone baby."

For the third title, I decided to transform "White Wedding" into the more intriguing "Elephant cock horse." I wish I could say I was kidding when this thing was downloaded one hundred eighty seven times. I guess there is something about horses and elephants showing their cocks that bring out the best in people. I nearly died of laughter at this point. "How can nearly two hundred people want to see naked animals? They're ALWAYS naked!" For sanctity's sake, we're going to leave this as a mystery. I hope I turned some people on to Billy Idol, hopefully distracting them long enough to forget that masturbating to horse and elephant genitalia are not really something their mothers would be proud of.

I couldn't stop myself from doing another. "Grandma Bingo Sex." Short and sweet. I couldn't stop myself from amusing.........myself..... "Grandma Bingo Sex." Surely not a common scenario, and surely not a scenario that would arouse many a twisted psyche. Apparently I know nothing about the human psyche. One hundred twenty two. ONE HUNDRED TWENTY TWO PEOPLE would like to see grandma getting bent over the bingo table, game card in hand, getting donkey punched by a 90 year old addle brained porn star. I rubbed my eyes just to double check. My eyes had to be lying to my brain. My penis had shriveled to the size of a 2 day old Wendys chicken nugget.

They asked for Grandma.

They got Joan Jett.

At this point I had to start taking puffs of my albuteral inhaler to keep from suffocating myself with laughter. "Girl on girl toe insertion (LEGAL)" was my next proud creation. Everyone likes 38 Special, so everyone won't feel like such dumb-asses after downloading this footy piece of ****. Never underestimate the inertia traveling behind a toe inserting itself into a rectum, friends. It's like a ****ing semi hurling down Interstate 40 in the noonday sun. One hundred twelve people wanted to jerk to this. God have mercy on us.

At this point, for some odd reason, the user name "Enraged Baboon" popped into my head. "Enraged Baboon ****ing a nipple factory." No way in hell would this get many downloads. Who could possibly type in any or all of those keywords? I guess people like seeing sweaty red-ass baboons, nostrils flaring, banging their chests like Marky Mark in the movie "Fear", having sex WITH each other in a factory that produces baby-bottle nipples. Imagine what those children would look like. One hundred seventy two people typed those magic words into Limewire, and got a hot steaming pile of monkey love. Well, it was Pink Floyd, but a man can dream, cant he?

This could all seem very disturbing. My final experiment, however, made me dizzy as my precious sack retreated into my pelvis. ...THREE PEOPLE...three disgusting, drooling, perverted, ****ed up people, wielding a box of Puffs Plus and a tube of Vaseline Intensive Care Lotion, bright eyed and bushy tailed, wanted to see "An emu taking a vicious dump." How does one take a VICIOUS dump and how does an EMU take one, for that matter?

Ladies and gentlemen: this is why I have lost every last ounce of faith in humanity.

If I may quote Method:
"You're going to make a lot of sick people very unhappy."

http://www.ubersite.com/m/29438

Kevin_rc_ie · 31-07-2005 1:06am

you're a sap. i tried to download a mike tyson video and ended up with a breavis and butthread clip. i hate people like you.

djmarkus · 31-07-2005 1:07am

I know a person that downloaded a batman movie and it was actually scat porn.

Kevin_rc_ie · 31-07-2005 1:08am

that's disgusting.

zAbbo · 31-07-2005 1:11am

bt killed the fakers

delly · 31-07-2005 1:11am

Kevin_rc_ie wrote:

you're a sap. i tried to download a mike tyson video and ended up with a breavis and butthread clip. i hate people like you.

The insults are flowing tonight.

county · 31-07-2005 1:11am

horses for courses and that

Kevin_rc_ie · 31-07-2005 1:12am

ponies for cronies and all that.

RefulgentGnomon · 31-07-2005 1:41am

I know a person that downloaded a batman movie and it was actually scat porn.

Batman = Porn WTF?!!!

you're a sap

Eh, twasn't me who wrote that btw!

Kevin_rc_ie · 31-07-2005 1:43am

sorry agnomon my pal.

StupidLikeAFox · 31-07-2005 5:33pm

djmarkus wrote:

I know a person that downloaded a batman movie and it was actually scat porn.

I too fell into that trap! It was actually labelled "Batman Begins 2005" and it was much more than scat, i almost puked a little.

Either that, or do i know you?

Mossy Monk · 01-08-2005 1:20am

just like the time i downloaded a metallica mp3 and got barney the dinosaur on loop instead. took 2 hours to download as it was really slow dial up

vibe666 · 01-08-2005 10:32am

djmarkus wrote:

I know a person that downloaded a batman movie and it was actually scat porn.

would that not just be an indication that batman is $hit?

have to agree though, fakers will be the death of p2p.

and BT didn't kill the fakers. the new charlie and the chocolate factory has loads of fakes out there spread by the studios that get to about 95% then just sit there forever (apparently, or so i'm told.

).

now that they've figured out how to make them do that i'm sure we'll see lots more. seen the fakes with several hundred peers and about 15 or so seeds.
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Exploiting Peer-to-Peer Networking

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