Wasteland

TerrorFirmer

This is about the primitiveness of war in our supposedly advanced society.




Dry breeze of a ragged wind,
dying sun reflected in cold metal,
fallen heroes lie forgotten,
their applause the pounding of all that
has brought this world to ruin,
shattered worlds, societies misfortune,
all back to basics, the beginning.




I'm not overly sensitive, any feedback whatsoever is welcomed.

airetam_storm

Last line is really good imagery, post-apocoliptic(sp?) cool!

Is it about Iraq or war in general?

TerrorFirmer

airetam_storm wrote:

Last line is really good imagery, post-apocoliptic(sp?) cool!

Is it about Iraq or war in general?

Its more just generally, an effort to kind of show that the knowledge and power that is capable of destroying our society should be long forgotten in this day and age.

And of course, the futileness of war and death, as below:

fallen heroes lie forgotten,
their applause the pounding of all that
has brought this world to ruin,

The Lines below were to create apocalytpic atmosphere of emptiness and ruin:

Dry breeze of a ragged wind,
dying sun reflected in cold metal,

Nidge

airetam_storm wrote:

Last line is really good imagery,
post-apocalyptic(sp?) cool!

Is it about Iraq or war in general?

airetam_storm

MobileInfantry wrote:

Dry breeze of a ragged wind,
dying sun reflected in cold metal,

I imediatly linked that with the deserts of Iraq, and the barrenness of it all

MobileInfantry wrote:

fallen heroes lie forgotten,

Thought of WW1 and all the mindless tactics of Somme and Verdun

MobileInfantry wrote:

their applause the pounding of all that
has brought this world to ruin,

George Bush's wrecklessness.

On a third and fourth reading it really can be applied to so many situations, very good Mobile

\edit\ And thanks Nidge, still getting the hang of spelling proper. Next up: sentance structure
I could never write poetry for the life of me and i really wish i could

the raven

i think T.S. Eliot's Wasteland is a tad better... but yours comes close.

ANarcho-Munk

the raven wrote:

i think T.S. Eliot's Wasteland is a tad better... but yours comes close.

Is that the one that starts off with

"6 o' clock, the burnt out ends of smokey days"

I'm most likely quoting that wrong but it's something along the lines of that.
Anyway I really enjoy that poem, wheter or not it's the one you're referring to.

the raven

ANarcho-Munk wrote:

Is that the one that starts off with

"6 o' clock, the burnt out ends of smokey days"

no that's "three preludes" (no, i'm not that good *damnit*, i googled. yes i just used "google" as a verb and yes i'm comfortable with that...)

the wasteland starts, "april is the cruellest month..."

TerrorFirmer

the raven wrote:

i think T.S. Eliot's Wasteland is a tad better... but yours comes close.

Should I be taking that as a compliment?

ANarcho-Munk

Hmm, I can't recall that poem, I'll give a look in to it.

the raven

MobileInfantry wrote:

Should I be taking that as a compliment?

you might recognise me from *other* places but anyway...

you're work, signature and avatar all bear a common theme... eh, not to get on your bad side and thus on the end of an armalite, but why so?

TerrorFirmer

the raven wrote:

you might recognise me from *other* places but anyway...

you're work, signature and avatar all bear a common theme... eh, not to get on your bad side and thus on the end of an armalite, but why so?

One of those things, that just cannot be explained at this time of night, on an internet thread, and that can be fully portrayed accurately.

Take your own meaning, work out my work and my motives

you might recognise me from *other* places but anyway...

I'm not following here....

Nidge

Comparing your poem to one of T.S. Eliot's most popular poems is most certainly a compliment, and to say that Eliot's is only better is a bit over the top, but yes a compliment.

TerrorFirmer

Okay, then good! Thanks.

To be honest, this is the only bit of poetry I've ever written, I usually stick to the short stories.

What is a general round up of opinion on my first poem?

I'm not too sure about my style, construction or other techniques, I just wrote the poem, with no regard to any guidlines or common grammatical practice whatsoever

ANarcho-Munk

MobileInfantry wrote:

I'm not too sure about my style, construction or other techniques, I just wrote the poem, with no regard to any guidlines or common grammatical practice whatsoever

I think that's actually quiet a good thing.

TerrorFirmer

ANarcho-Munk wrote:

I think that's actually quiet a good thing.

I suppose, uniqueness and stupidity seem to be a fine line for some people though