chaos

ctrl-alt-delete

chaos

nothing in life is ever as it seems,
a broken man lying in a gutter,
show me lord the beauty of his dreams,
and how a bet is described as a flutter,
only throws malice to the beauty of a butterflys wings.

every action has an equal and opposite reaction,
just like the flutter of that butterflys wings,
the movement of air might only be a fraction,
but it still affects the grand scheme of things,

flutter by,
and rise above,
the theories of death,
to the mystery of love.


comments and thoughts appreciated,

thanks

Le Rack

thats deep sh!t man, really like it, I wrote a poem about a butterfly once well, anyway, the language works really well, good stuff.

Nidge

ctrl-alt-delete wrote:

chaos

nothing in life is ever as it seems,
a broken man lying in a gutter,
show me lord the beauty of his dreams,
and how a bet is described as a flutter,
only throws malice to the beauty of a butterfly' s wings.

every action has an equal and opposite reaction,
just like the flutter of that butterfly' s wings,
the movement of air might only be a fraction,
but it still affects the grand scheme of things,

flutter by,
and rise above,
the theories of death,
to the mystery of love.


comments and thoughts appreciated,

thanks

I'm being pedantic now but one might as well know where they are going wrong spelling and grammar wise. (in bold as usual)

Anyway the content itself. The first line although it might be a bit of cliche (dunno how to put the accent on cliche) certainly is there to say what you want to say, it is justified. My thought was that it relates to the fact that although the "broken man" may not be attractive or glamorous his thoughts can in contrast be those things, even though on looking at him it may not seem that way. Also i think the first line relates to the last line strongly in that certainly nothing in love is as it seems, and these are probably the most direct lines in the poem, telling people what you are really thinking about when writing the poem.

I like the way from the forth line to the last everything links to the butterfly, makes the poem actually have a focus and direction, rather than just throwing in that image then instantly throwing it away, also the link with the bet (as in what a homeless person or the man in the gutter might do with his money) precedes this image well. The action and reaction like the wings of the butterfly and the air that affects the butterfly or the grand scheme of things, those comparisons between the minute changes in life and the butterfly's flight are well thought out, you're lucky if that came to you easily. The "rise above" part "to the mystery of love" i liked, it might be direct or obvious what you mean (although it wasn't for me first time round, still i might be wrong anyway) but it seems you are prioritising one mystery for another. Either poems work well when it slips in between the methods of being direct and indirect.

All in all a great poem, certainly beats the ass off the other stuff currently competing on this forum. I can't believe that there aren't more replies to this.
If any of what i said is incoherent please tell me, i'm tired.

ANarcho-Munk

If any of what i said is incoherent please tell me, i'm tired.

Nidge wrote:

I'm being pedantic now but one might as well know where they are going wrong spelling and grammar wise. (in bold as usual)

Anyway the content itself. The first line although it might be a bit of cliche (dunno how to put the accent on cliche) certainly is there to say what you want to say, it is justified. My thought was that it relates to the fact that although the "broken man" may not be attractive or glamorous his thoughts can in contrast be those things, even though on looking at him it may not seem that way. Also i think the first line relates to the last line strongly in that certainly nothing in love is as it seems, and these are probably the most direct lines in the poem, telling people what you are really thinking about when writing the poem.

I like the way from the fourth line to the last everything links to the butterfly, makes the poem actually have a focus and direction, rather than just throwing in that image then instantly throwing it away, also the link with the bet (as in what a homeless person or the man in the gutter might do with his money) precedes this image well. The action and reaction like the wings of the butterfly and the air that affects the butterfly or the grand scheme of things, those comparisons between the minute changes in life and the butterfly's flight are well thought out, you're lucky if that came to you easily. The "rise above" part "to the mystery of love" i liked, it might be direct or obvious what you mean (although it wasn't for me first time round, still i might be wrong anyway) but it seems you are prioritising one mystery for another. Either poems work well when it slips in between the methods of being direct and indirect.

As always, corrections are in bold.

Nidge

ANarcho-Munk wrote:

As always, corrections are in bold.

Thanks, I did ask, correcting is not a spite thing, it's a "keep everyone on their toes" thing, no need for the winks, I asked people to do so.

ctrl-alt-delete

thanks nidge, some excellent analysing there, you are 100% correct in your thoughts on the poem, i didnt think it would be as obvious as that - maybe you are just a talented analysist aswell as poet. the first and last lines do relate and link you are correct there and the image of the butterfly is quietly used there as in the sense of symmetry of a butterfly, as in the first and last line being the same - if that makes sense,

once again thanks for reading and taking the time to comment, very much appreciated - also glad to see i didnt have too many spelling mistakes

ANarcho-Munk

Nidge wrote:

Thanks, I did ask, correcting is not a spite thing, it's a "keep everyone on their toes" thing, no need for the winks, I asked people to do so.

I wasn't spiting you, it was more or less sarcasm, nothing to get uptight about

the raven

ctrl-alt-delete wrote:

analysist

this is gonna be fun...
thanks for stirring the spelling sh!t nidge

the raven

ANarcho-Munk wrote:

I wasn't spiting you, it was more or less sarcasm, nothing to get uptight about

"spiting" HA!! funny...

in nidge's defense man, i don't think it was written like that...

ctrl-alt-delete

must admit, pretty poor attemt at spelling it raven, but to be honest f**k it

ANarcho-Munk

the raven wrote:

"spiting" HA!! funny...

in nidge's defense man, i don't think it was written like that...

Yeah I did know I was going wrong with "spiting" but I just couldn't remember at this hour of night I should have gotten out the thesaurus :rolleyes:


I didn't intend to get Nidge a bit shaky and I'm sorry if what I said came across the wrong way...

Sarcasm and the internet just don't work do they :rolleyes:

Nidge

Raven's right, I didn't take it as spite, I knew because of the wink it was cheeky sarcasm, but you can't really be sarcastic if I asked people to correct me, and ha that is kind of ironic, teh word is "analyst". Nice to know I was somewhat right ctrl-alt-delete. I'll check your next poem soon. Suddenly there's an onslaught of posting on this thread. Now I have to watch my back every time I write a post. I sure hope I didn't make another spelling mistake, ¬_¬

and by the way Anarcho if you think that "teh" is a spelling mistake you haven't been on the internet long enough.

ANarcho-Munk

Nidge wrote:

Raven's right, I didn't take it as spite, I knew because of the wink it was cheeky sarcasm, but you can't really be sarcastic if I asked people to correct me, and ha that is kind of ironic, teh word is "analyst". Nice to know I was somewhat right ctrl-alt-delete. I'll check your next poem soon. Suddenly there's an onslaught of posting on this thread. Now I have to watch my back every time I write a post. I sure hope I didn't make another spelling mistake, ¬_¬

and by the way Anarcho if you think that "teh" is a spelling mistake you haven't been on the internet long enough.

You really got me by the balls there

Nidge

Sttteeeeeerrrriiiikkke

the raven

i'm afraid i can't be as positive as nidge in reviewing this piece but i hope my comments count all the same.

the way you handle this old theme is original and interesting and in effect is a triumph with regard to the imagery and diction (not meant to patronise).
however, i do think this piece can be vastly improved on the technical side.

as an initial example (the first thing i noticed) i'll use the line "only throws malice to the beauty of a butterfly's wings". with short poems a lot more can be achieved by keeping sentences curt and minimal yet still evoking as much as an extended passage - well, this is the effort of all poetry i guess...
if you were to omit "a" and the possesive the line would definitely flow better, "only throws malice to the beauty of butterfly wings." this is a very light application to this particular line, a lot more can be pared down here.
the idea of "paring down" can also improve rhythm, which of course, as you know, is an integral cog of poetry...

you're rhyming scheme is quiet victory, i didn't notice it bad... and that's not saying it is, just that it wasn't the over-the-top, smack-me-across-the-head type.

you're punctuation is flawed and so brings the piece down as a whole.

as a rule i don't tend to go into every detail, just pick a few points and leave it at that so as not to bombard you with repetitive comments and also so's that you can apply the certain critiques to other areas yourself... to become a better poet one must understand poetry and to understand poetry is to criticise it...

over all a good effort, can't wait to read more.

ctrl-alt-delete

thanks raven, i will take your views on board, i will agree that the line you edited does flow better and i will take this on board for the future. if its no trouble could you explain the flaws in my punctuation,

as for what you end on i dont think i could critisise any work as i dont have a deep understanding on the workings of poetry, im just an amateur when it comes to writing nevermind analysing, i dont think id make a good analyst never mind analysist .

thanks again

Nidge

the raven wrote:

i'm afraid i can't be as positive as nidge in reviewing this piece but i hope my comments count all the same.

the way you handle this old theme is original and interesting and in effect is a triumph with regard to the imagery and diction (not meant to patronise).
however, i do think this piece can be vastly improved on the technical side.

as an initial example (the first thing i noticed) i'll use the line "only throws malice to the beauty of a butterfly's wings". with short poems a lot more can be achieved by keeping sentences curt and minimal yet still evoking as much as an extended passage - well, this is the effort of all poetry i guess...
if you were to omit "a" and the possesive the line would definitely flow better, "only throws malice to the beauty of butterfly wings." this is a very light application to this particular line, a lot more can be pared down here.
the idea of "paring down" can also improve rhythm, which of course, as you know, is an integral cog of poetry...

you're rhyming scheme is quiet victory, i didn't notice it bad... and that's not saying it is, just that it wasn't the over-the-top, smack-me-across-the-head type.

you're punctuation is flawed and so brings the piece down as a whole.

as a rule i don't tend to go into every detail, just pick a few points and leave it at that so as not to bombard you with repetitive comments and also so's that you can apply the certain critiques to other areas yourself... to become a better poet one must understand poetry and to understand poetry is to criticise it...

over all a good effort, can't wait to read more.

You may be right about paring down, but, personally, i think that, in this case, saying "a butterfly's" is better than just butterflies in general, because it makes me see one butterfly, it makes you imagine it, see it in your mind. Otherwise of course paring down is always a good idea, but only where absolutely necessary.

the raven

ctrl-alt-delete wrote:

as for what you end on i dont think i could critisise any work as i dont have a deep understanding on the workings of poetry, im just an amateur when it comes to writing nevermind analysing, i dont think id make a good analyst never mind analysist .

all the more reason to start criticising. (and don't misinterpret criticism as a bad thing!) you can't attain understanding without heavy thought on the substance of a poem and you can't think about a poem without critical thought. ergo, concordantly, thusly, give a stab at th' auld crit...

nidge wrote:

You may be right about paring down, but, personally, i think that, in this case, saying "a butterfly's" is better than just butterflies in general, because it makes me see one butterfly, it makes you imagine it, see it in your mind. Otherwise of course paring down is always a good idea, but only where absolutely necessary.

doesn't "butterfly wings" make you think of one butterfly's wings? the object is now the pair of wings rather than the butterfly. "butterfly" is the adjective. eh? eh??

Nidge

the raven wrote:

"only throws malice to the beauty of butterfly wings."

No, that still isn't the same, cos then, for me, it's the wings themselves that are focused on, saying it like that separates the wings from the rest of the butterfly. The image is not only about the wings, it is about the course of the butterfly's flight. That still just means butterfly wings in general and does not, for me, give the image of a singular butterfly in flight, because that was the image I was talking about, I never spoke about singling out its wings.

the raven

Nidge wrote:

singling out its wings.

what a funny sentence...