Fire Fly (slightly graphic)

Le Rack

A child dances in the flame,
Just to feel the burn.
Just to feel the heat.
Twirling in the glow,
Watching her flesh sizzle, bubble and burn.

The flickering flames licking her body
As she dances so hypnotically.
Contorting her limbs, to fit the flaming mass;
She twists and trns like the wind itself.

Her flesh fries
As she twirls aglow.
Her hair scorches and shrivels.
Skin bubbles with blisters popping.
The dance stops.
And all fades to black.

ctrl-alt-delete

just wanna say i like it,great use of language and good efforts at creating images, dont know if i fully understand what its about, dont know if im supposed to, but its the sort of thing a child would think it could do being innocently invincible as they tend to believe.
keep it up

Le Rack

I forget what it was supposed to be about, but I think it was kinda that, a person was "livin the high life", drugs, money, sex, whatever and this consumed them, not realising the full dangers they died an early death. I think...

TerrorFirmer

Interesting, some nice descriptions in there, but as mentioned previous, its mesmerizing without actually knowing what is really being portrayed...

airetam_storm

Excellent portrayal. I think everyone will get a different meaning from this poem, mine was depressed teenager self-inflicting pain

ANarcho-Munk

For me, it was just plain curiosty of wondering what it feels to be burning in a fire, simple as that, yes it's a strange point of view but it's what I'm thinking.

TerrorFirmer

I got the impression that it was someone captivated with something, until they got too greedy and went for too big a play.....

But as said before, its all about personal interpetation!

the raven

it's great that you're using abstract imagery and an outsider character but this piece lacks flow. the language used is stilted and hard and desires a more fluid expression. the punctuation is used inapropriately in that the reader keeps having to stop at each period when all they want is to read on, yes in a supressed manner but possibly not so much as in a period... i perceive a kind of curious and furtive melancholy which would definately benefit from a more easy flowing rhythm.
however, this is only my humble opinion...

good effort, keep it up.

Nidge

the raven wrote:

it's great that you're using abstract imagery and an outsider character but this piece lacks flow. the language used is stilted and hard and desires a more fluid expression. the punctuation is used
inappropriately in that the reader keeps having to stop at each period when all they want is to read on, yes in a suppressed manner but possibly not so much as in a period... i perceive a kind of curious and furtive melancholy which would defini tely benefit from a more easy flowing rhythm.
however, this is only my humble opinion...

good effort, keep it up.

Spelling Inspector; monkey receive, monkey give.

good effort, keep it up.

the raven

Nidge wrote:

Spelling Inspector; monkey receive, monkey give.

good effort, keep it up.

i'll give you that...

Nidge

Our argument is extinguished we'll let it lie.

ANarcho-Munk

I'm going to catch you out one of these days Nidge, when you'll least expect it

Le Rack

clonflustered...

Shad0r

Good work Le Rack. I love what you were trying to do with this poem. Loved the imagry and its a great concept. It's apparent that you were trying to achieve something with your punctuation but I have to agree with the raven, that in places I think you would have been better served letting the poem run on with commas than by halting its flow with periods.

I'd advise you to rework the poem a little (eg I think that first 'bubble' is unneccesary you'd be better off without it) so that the poem could be great instead of just good...but then again, what the hell do I know about poetry

Le Rack

now that you say it about the bubble it may be better without it, it was just something I saw happening to the burning skin as I was writing so it got thrown in, the punctuation all depends on the aspect of the reader I think and from the way I both read and wrote it thats how it worked best for me so meh..
Thanx anyway!

pwd

i like it. Think it has an aesthetic quality

Le Rack

a wha? Aesthetic?

Sarky

Aesthetically pleasing= It looks nice.

Le Rack

oh okay, thanx.

lilmissprincess

yeah, what I get from this is someone consumed in hate and fury, their mind being the child, although i could be way off the track here. Just my view. oh, and the bubble thing is true... it hurts like hell!!!