Flickering Visions

Le Rack

A grain of sand in my eye,
I prod and I poke,
I try and I try.
But the cheeky little bugger it is,
Dislodge it will not!

I'll attempt to cry.
How do I do that?
I'll think of you.
As the salt takes the sand
Will it wash away my dreams of you?

They are all I have left now.
Do I really want them;
To flicker out, like the lamp on my left.

ANarcho-Munk

I have to hand it to you, that one made me laugh.
i really liked the comparison of the grain of sand stuck in your eyes to the memory of some one you once knew. And also the last line was in my eyes very potent was a great finishing. I don't really have anything bad to say about it, it was just 3 great simple verses with an ending that leaves you just wanting to read more.

keep it up.

Le Rack

I intended it to be longer but it felt better like that, I did actually have something in my eye when writing it and as I had been to the beach that day I assumed it to be sand, and the bulb went in the lamp after!

ANarcho-Munk

hehe, no I'm not saying that it was a bad thing to have it short, I'm just saying that it keeps you interested and makes you curious as to what you'll do :~)

You should defintly leave it shorter, it makes it a lot more interesting, simple and uncomplicated.

I just really liked that one for some reason, I don't know why, i just do :~P

Le Rack

I dunno it was intended originaly to be comedic but then it got all serious, so if it fits both bills then yoi!
Thanx anyhu!

DoctorEdgeWild

I like it too. just wandered over to creative writing to see what's happening and am happy to have stumbled across this poem. Thanks for sharing and great work.

Le Rack

if oyu wanna stick around I've got five to put up at the mo... thanx btw

DoctorEdgeWild

Cool - I'll come back later on and have a look see. Duty calls for the moment. The duty of going to training. Still, duty nonetheless.

Le Rack

ah that reminds me I have it in 20mins...