cyber dating for dummies

jaggeh

Oh, what a tangled web we weave, once we practice to date. My false J-Date profile has so far attracted 33 potentials as of this morning, and today's sordid tale is a report of events that took place two weeks ago. Without further hesitation, allow me to introduce Kara (names have been changed).

********************

To: KnowTheScore
From: Kara

hi i'm kara. one of my favoritie things is going out on the hudson where there's a pretty sunset. Where in the city do you like to go? I'm a teacher in the bronx, and i don't like it there much. i'd rather go back to school to study accounting. What did you study in school? What kind of boat do you have?

It would be nice to talk to you sometime. You have my address, and it would be nice to talk to you sometime.

Kara

**********************

To: Kara
From: Jared

Hi Kara! What do you teach? Why don't you like it? What's drawing you to accounting? I studied business administration and philosophy at Wharton and Stanford. Regarding my boat, I currently pilot a Knox 550bx craft, and its home port is up in Westchester and on the West Side Chelsea docks. On AIM, I'm JMG114. I hope you're well.

Best regards,
Jared

*************************

From: Kara
To: Jared

Ooh, look at mr. mystery over here, mr. mystery doesn't like to tell me a lot about himself, but when my parents want to know, you'll tell them.

***************************


It was after this point that I was sufficiently creeped out and elected to not respond to Kara anymore. That was, until---


AgentDirtSauce11: hi jared
JMG114: Hi!
JMG114: Do I know you?
AgentDirtSauce11: i think so
JMG114: Okay... you'll have to help me out here.
JMG114: Hello?
AgentDirtSauce11: Guess.
JMG114: I actually make it a policy to not guess. Either you tell me who you are or I block you.
AgentDirtSauce11: Guess

<<AgentDirtSauce11 has been added to your block list///>>>

*After less than ten minutes...

KaraLovesMomDad: jared!
JMG114: This is he.
KaraLovesMomDad: you blocked me!!
JMG114: Do I know you?
KaraLovesMomDad: it's Kara!!!!
JMG114: Oh. Tell me next time. I don't have patience for guessing games.
KaraLovesMomDad: lol i'm sorry!!
JMG114: You are forgiven. What have you been up to?
KaraLovesMomDad: you have to tell me more about you. My parents want to know.

*Interlude: No good can ever come of the phrase, "My parents want to know." If there's any fact that parents want to know, the chances are astronomically high that they won't like the answers they seek. Still, what's a little meet-the-parents if I'm going to tap some of their daughter's hot, wealthy, Jewish ass afterwards? Fast forward>>>

KaraLovesMomDad: k, so i'll meet you at my place on the 14th for lunch. we'll go out but my parents want to meet you first.
JMG114: Right. Are you sure I need to meet your parents? I mean, this is just a first date.
KaraLovesMomDad: why are you afraid?
JMG114: I'm not afraid, it just seems like weird dating procedure.
KaraLovesMomDad: It'll be fine. They've met all my former boyfriends and it's gone on fine.
KaraLovesMomDad: They just want to protect me.
JMG114: A clever rapist/murderer could probably hide his intentions from you and your parents under a sweet exterior.
KaraLovesMomDad: huh?????
JMG114: Nothing.

*Fast forward>>> It's Wednesday, July 14th. Bastille Day!

Kara is rather petite, has soft, shoulder-length brown hair, a so-so freckly, pear-shaped face, but nice lips. Her brown eyes light up when she sees me approach her apartment building lobby.

She bounds outside to meet me. "Hi!"

"Hey, Kara. It's nice to meet you." I don't mention her parents. Maybe she forgot?

"Follow me upstairs and meet my parents!"

Damn!

We take the elevator up to the sixteenth floor, disembark, and walk to her apartment. The building itself is pretty new and seems rather nice---open, airy, and plentiful windows looking out onto the West Side Drive.

She opens the door to her apartment, and a sudden aroma of perfumed, Arabian air wafted into my nostrils. A fountain babbled away while exotic birds of many colors called to each other from their spacious cages on either side of the room. This was a damn nice place.

"Sit down," Kara offered me a plush, navy blue chair. "My folks will be right in. Can I get you anything?"

"No thanks---"

Her parents walked in, dressed up to the nines. Was this bald, pudgy man and his tall, stalk-like wife on their way to a society ball?

They shook my hand. "Hi, Jared! I'm Ed, this here's my wife Sheila."

They sat down on the love seat across from me and Ed sat, open-legged, as Sheila sipped from a nearby glass of some amber-colored beverage.

*Interlude: They asked me about my business, and I fed them my rehearsed lines. It didn't go too badly. Finally, they stood up.

"Well," Ed said, "Are you all ready to go?"

"Go?" I asked, "Where?"

"We're on our way out, too, but Kara said that you own a boat, and, well---"

Sheila cut in, "Ed here used to have a schooner, but he had to sell it about five years ago. Since Kara mentioned it to us, all he's talked about is your boat."

Ed blushed. "If you don't mind, I'd love to see it. We'll drive you to the dock and then to whatever restaurant you're going to."

"Oh," I stammer, "It's up in Westchester right now, but I'm bringing it down the Hudson later this month. Maybe I can---"

"Which port?"

"I'm sorry?"

"Which port in Westchester? Sadie's? Hawkin's Island?"

"Oh, um, Sadie's."

"Really? I was just joking around when I said Sadie's. That's a pretty, um, well, that's not the best port, as I'm sure you know."

"I had to do some repairs, and that was the closest dock."

Ed gave me a funny look. "I hear that the mill-mast of the Knoxes are impossible to keep straight. How do you do it?"

****. I know nothing about boats. Was this a trick?

"The, um, mill-mast, sir? I don't think I know what you're talking about."

Ed smiles. "Good answer! The Knox 700 series has the mill-mast, but the 500s don't." He pats my shoulder, bids Kara and I goodbye, and leaves with Sheila. Thank goodness I figured him out.

*Fast forward>>> Kara and I go out to a nice Italian place on the West Side. Things are going just fine until...

"Mom? Dad?" Kara asks, "What are you two doing here?"

Her parents happened to choose the exact same restaurant for lunch as we did. Wow. Well, no matter, no fuss, right? They could just sit at another table as we continued with our date---

"Why don't you sit with us?" Kara asked.

"Oh, you've twisted my arm," joked Ed as he pulled up an additional two seats.

During the course of the meal, I felt more as though I was dating Ed than I was his daughter. Kara hardly said a word as her father dominated the conversation. Did you know how hard it is to be an accountant for a small business in India? Have you wondered why it's cheaper to hold three offshore accounts than one? Ever guess at how much alcohol a J-Date girl's father can guzzle down in an Italian restaurant at lunch? Well, after this lunch with Ed, you wouldn't have wondered anymore! The man would not stop drinking or shut up about accounting.

Finally, the check came. He leaned over to me. "Let's split it."

"Okay," I said, "I'll pay for Kara and I and you pay for the two of you." I said this because he had ordered Godzilla portions of everything, and $30 bottles of wine.

Well, at this suggestion, Ed's red face visibly darkened. "Well, with all due respect, she is our daughter."

Bewildered, I asked, "I'm sorry, what?"

Sheila began, "Honey---"

His voice raised oh-so-slightly. "I think it's only fair that we split it. We both ate here, didn't we?"

Was this new math? And this guy's an accountant? I remained stoic. "This was supposed to be a date with your daughter, but it was more of a family social visit."

"Oh, so you don't like us, then?" Ed abandoned all rhyme and reason and slapped his napkin onto the table. "You're a little kid who starts up a business and all of a sudden you're better than an old man who you think pisses himself and can't take care of his family?"

I stood up and turned to Kara. "Kara, I think I should leave---"

"Sit down!" Ed screamed and pounded his fist onto the table. The few other patrons watched on while I hoped that the restaurant management would come put a stop to the scene.

As I stood there, not daring to move, something happened.

All of the excitement must've upset poor Ed's stomach, because in the next moment, he leaned over the table and vomited gooey reddish-purple chunks all over it.

"Agh---!" screamed Sheila.

"Ugh---!" yelled Kara.

"Bye!" said I, as I took advantage of the confusion to duck out of the restaurant, walk quickly to Grand Central, and take the train back up home.


EPILOGUE:

KaraLovesMomDad: jared what happened?
JMG114: You don't remember? Your father blew a gasket and drank himself sick.
KaraLovesMomDad: where'd you go?? You ran away
JMG114: I don't have time to deal with people in need of psychological help. I feel like it was more a date with your father than it was with you.
KaraLovesMomDad: it was embarrassing jared
JMG114: I know, Kara, but the important thing is to put your father into a good rehabilitation program.
KaraLovesMomDad: no i was talking about you. you disapeared.
JMG114: Me? Oh, that's right. I'm the one who tried to trick me, created a scene, and vomited my last month's dinners onto a restaurant's table. Why'd you invite them to sit with us? Don't you know what a date is?
KaraLovesMomDad: I love my parents and maybe you don't know what that's like.
JMG114: Then you know what? Date them!

<<<KaraLovesMomDad has been added to your block list.///>>>

jaggeh

While I don't actively peruse dating sites too much anymore, a gal contacted me on J-Date a week or so back. For those of you who don't know, J-Date is a dating service for Jewish people. Men, if you're ever looking for a whiny, selfish, greedy, gold-digging hussy to date, then look no further. Gals, if you're a whiny, selfish, greedy, gold-digging hussy in need of companionship, then you should check it out.

Today, I'll discuss with you the plight of darling Emily (names have been changed).

First, let's take a look at her opening e-mail (presented verbatim):

"My name is Emily and after glancing at your profile, I decided to write and say 'Hello'. Here I am saying 'Hello'. Hello."

(Interlude: What are you trying to convince me of? That you're a 'tard? Smashing job so far, pumpkin. Do commence.)

"I'm 21, live in Putnam and I work in Finance although my 'night job' is starting my own lingerie design business."

(Interlude: My pure rage at seeing the word "finance" capitalized for no reason has melted away upon learning that you make undies. Zing!)

"I find it very rewarding and challenging ( 2 must haves for anything I do)."

(Interlude: Someone's been watching Dr. Phil. I hate Dr. Phil. Why does everyone need motivational guidance to do something as simple as taking a dump?)

"I really enjoy traveling and languages."

(Interlude: Who doesn't enjoy traveling? I think it's safe to assume that most people like to travel. Except for me. I hate travel. That and languages.)

"If you'd like you can find me on AIM as EmilyGoGoPants."

(Interlude: Congratulations. I'm horny.)


JMG114: Hi Emily. This is Jared from J-Date.
EmilyGoGoPants: hello
JMG114: What's shakin'?
EmilyGoGoPants: I'm just on the phone with my best friend Jack. Hold on.
JMG114: Okay.

(Interlude: A simple "hold on" would be sufficient. Are you trying to make me jealous with your talk of Jack? I'm sorry... your BEST FRIEND Jack? Are we in ****ing middle school? I don't care what you're doing or who you're talking to. Are you hot?)

EmilyGoGoPants has gone idle at 20:31:16
EmilyGoGoPants has returned at 21:42:11

EmilyGoGoPants: hello
JMG114: Hm? Done with Jack?
EmilyGoGoPants: My best friend Jack is calling me back in a little bit, so I have a few minutes.
JMG114: If you're busy, you can contact me later.
EmilyGoGoPants: I have a few minutes now. I told my best friend Jack that I was talking to you and he told me to come back and not neglect you so here I am. My best friend Jack is funny like that.
JMG114: Is that his full name?
EmilyGoGoPants: What?
JMG114: Best Friend Jack. Best Friend Jack. Best Friend Jack. Why not call him "Jack" for short?
EmilyGoGoPants: lol I guess I could do that. sorry, I'm just used to calling him my best friend.
JMG114: No, no. It's good to have best friends.
EmilyGoGoPants: Jack is so funny. We hang out like all the time.

(Interlude: Seventeen minutes later...)

EmilyGoGoPants: ...but then my best friend Jack told me that it wasn't really illegal! HAHAHAHAHA!
JMG114: That's hysterical. Now that I know Jack really well, can we talk about you?
EmilyGoGoPants: We can stop talking about Jack if you want. I have some funny stories about my ex-boyfriend Gary. I collect ex-boyfriends.

(Interlude: No! No! Bad girl! You don't want to say that to a prospective, even less-than-prospective date! Gah!)

EmilyGoGoPants: My ex-boyfriend Gary is a boring guy usually, but there was this one time when my ex-boyfriend Gary said something I'll never forget.
JMG114: Is that right?
EmilyGoGoPants: I was modeling some underwear for my ex-boyfriend Gary the other day and I asked my ex-boyfriend Gary if they were way too tight on me. My ex-boyfriend Gary told me that they weren't!
JMG114: And?
EmilyGoGoPants: That was it. My ex-boyfriend Gary thinks that I'm so much thinner than I really am.
JMG114: Well, my masturbation buddy Jared says that it's time for my masturbation buddy Jared to masturbate and go to bed.
EmilyGoGoPants: You seem like a nice guy. I work in the city. Want to meet up?
JMG114: No.
EmilyGoGoPants: You're funny. Tomorrow at six sound good?
JMG114: Fine.

(Interlude: Well... maybe she's just nervous. After all, no one could be this... this... sedating in person, right?)

Emily and I meet up in the Times' Square vicinity. She's about my height, has brown hair, and a face that's shaped like a potato. We meet 'n greet, than head down to Greenwich Village, which is way downtown from where we are.

The entire walk down, she talks about...

"My best friend Jack got so drunk the other night!"

I roll my eyes. "Did he?"

She nods. "Yeah! Oh my God! It was so funny. He brought over a bottle of really cheap vodka and said, 'I brought over this bottle of really cheap vodka!' then he drank it and got drunk. It was hilarious."

Quickening my pace, I mutter an incoherent response and remain silent until we arrive at the Indian place. An overzealous host and thousands of blinking Christmas tree lights welcome us inside. The sheer glow of the place is reflected in her eyes. We sit down.

Smiling, I ask, "What do you think of this place?"

"My best friend Jack and my ex-boyfriend Gary would love it here."

"I figured."

We eat dinner, go see a movie, and she tries to call her city-dwelling uncle on the phone in order to stay at his place for the evening. He doesn't pick up.

"I don't know what to do," she whines, "I have nowhere to stay."

Thinking that she sucks but that her lips are rather kissable, I hatch a desperate plan. "Why don't we take the train up to my place and from there I'll drive you back to your house?"

"You'd do that for me?"

"Sure! I'm horny!"

(Not really. What I actually said was:)

"Sure! It's no trouble."

We take the train up to my hometown station and taxi it over to my place. I open the passenger side door for her, and walk over to my side, paying special attention to see if she reaches over to unlock my door.

(Interlude: I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times. Ladies: if you want to impress a guy by leaps and bounds on a date, reach over and unlock his door after he lets you into his car. Nothing screams consideration, respect, and friendliness as much as that simple act, especially on a first date. My opinion of a gal actually drops if it doesn't cross her mind to do that. It's very telling.)

She doesn't unlock my door. I let myself in and drive up to her place, about twenty minutes north. Once I park in front of her house, she turns to me and says the four most wonderful words in the English language.

"Want to come in?"

"Sure."

We step into her house and she turns on the lights. "I'm not tired. Are you?"

"No. I'm up for anything."

She steps closer. "Are you?"

I step closer. "I am."

She steps even closer. "What are you up for?"

Tilting my head to a kissing angle, I reply, "How about..."

We kiss. She wraps her arms around me. While pressing my mouth to hers, I find a curious sensation---the sensation of kissing someone who isn't kissing back. I mean, her mouth is open and I'm tonguing around inside of it, but she's just... limp. It's like she's not interested at all. Ever kiss a dead person? So have I. It was kind of like that.

We break contact and she smiles. "That was nice. You have great lips."

"Thanks. You have great... um... hair."

"Want to watch a movie? I have a French one I borrowed from the library."

We sit down under a blanket, she cuddles close, and the movie begins. French ladies dance around their husbands and abstract images float by.

Bringing my face closer to hers, I press my lips to her neck and kiss my way across her face to her lips. She turns to me and allows me to kiss her open, unresponsive mouth for a few seconds before turning away from me.

"I'm trying to watch the movie."

(Interlude: You've invited me into your place, let me kiss you, and are cuddling with me on a sofa. All of a sudden, the MOVIE is the most intriguing thing in the house? WTF?)

"WTF?"

"Huh?"

"I said, 'Are you serious?'"

She nods. "Yeah. I'd like to watch the movie. Shh."

She turns back to the movie, leaving a nonplussed and increasingly repulsed Jared in her wake. After a minute or two of mentally sorting out the situation, I stand up.

"Well, I should probably head out."

"Okay."

I leave without bothering to kiss her goodnight. Filing her under "crazy bitch," I drive home, flop into my bed, and fantasize about Asian porn stars.



EPILOGUE:

EmilyGoGoPants: Hey, when can I see you again?
EmilyGoGoPants: I've been thinking about kissing you all day.
EmilyGoGoPants: I really like kissing you.
EmilyGoGoPants: I was talking about you to my best friend Jack and ex-boyfriend Gary.
EmilyGoGoPants: They both told me that I'm a great kisser.

\\\\\\EmilyGoGoPants has been added to your block list\>>>

jaggeh

Another week, another date. In the week's installment, I present you with the lyrical, lilting, lovely gem that is Jenna (names have been changed).

Upon seeing my false J-Date profile, she was inspired to write the following piece of literature:


****************************

To: KnowTheScore
Sent: 06/12/2004 00:30:14 EST

Hello, KnowTheScore. I'd sure like to know your score. Ha! .........

...........But seriously, I'm Jenna. Wow. This is a big first step for me. Ive never emailed someone first.... (((breathes in))) (((breathes out))) There now. Better.

I was interested to see that you know lots of languages. Did that help you out with your business? What sorts of telecom work do you do?

I love the ocean and I'm a fan of fine dining, too. There's a pan asian restaurant on the west side that we'd have to try. I'm also looking forward to breaking out my new bikini for the summer...............

Hope to hear from you soon............
Jenna

****************************

To: Jenna
From: Jared

Hi Jenna. You seem rather sweet, which is more than I can say for most people I've met on this site. I'd have to say that knowing a lot of languages certainly increases my marketability.

My business takes discarded cell phones and puts them on their own network for a fraction of the cost of traditional companies. Various corporations as well as governments like having to pay less for good service, so that's what I do, in a nutshell.

Your ideas of a Pan Asian dinner as well as a new bikini have intrigued me. Write back and we'll figure something out.

Best regards,
Jared

******************************

To: Jared
From: Jenna

Hello again, Jared. You seem really smart, which is more than I can say for most guys on here, lol. Where in the city do you live? This restaurant is the greatest. I've been there once before, but I'm sure I'll enjoy it more with you on my arm. How about we meet up later this coming week? Whichever evening is good for you.

**************************************


We make plans and meet up. Something that sort of worried me was her phrasing when she said, "I'll enjoy it more with you on my arm." I know that traditionally, the girl should be on the guy's arm and not the other way around. Still, maybe she's one of those independent lasses I keep hearing about. Well, no worries, right?

I meet her at the arranged place. Jenna's taller than I am by about a foot or so, and she has long dark hair. She's wearing an elegant black dress. Her face is pretty, but her being taller is a bit of an issue for me. Oh well. Maybe she'll at least be sweet, right?

"What the hell are you wearing?" she asks, brushing some hair out of her face.

I stammer, "W-what?" I look down at my not-too-shabby ensemble of a polo shirt and khakis. Then, I look back up at her. "What's wrong with this?"

She rolls her small brown eyes and sighs angrily. "This restaurant requires a tie and jacket."

"Oh. Well, I didn't know. Maybe they'll provide a tie and jacket, like they do at Le Cirque---"

"Ugh! You'd wear someone else's filthy clothes? What sort of guy are you?"

Ouch. Insulting me in good fun is fine. Insulting my masculinity on a date is something else entirely.

"I'm certainly not the kind of guy to pay for dinner or a date with someone as bitchy as you are. Good night."

I turn around and make my way back to the subway. Less than half a block later, a strong arm grabs my shoulder and yanks me around.

"Oh no," Jenna drawls, "You're not going anywhere. I've been looking forward to this all week, and we're going to this restaurant. I don't care how you find a tie and jacket, but you're going to find a tie and jacket."

I glance around, wondering if I'm perhaps on a hidden camera show. I had no idea that people this belligerent really existed.

I wish I could remember verbatim my following response, but I'll do my best to quote myself.

"Jenna," I speak calmly, "We have a choice. We can either end this date here and now, or we can try this restaurant to see if they provide a tie and jacket. I'm not spending my precious, hard-earned money to find a place to buy a new tie and jacket to satiate the appetite of some ****ed-up Jewish chick whose mommy and daddy suck her cock whenever she whines about not having what she wants. Does that make sense, you crazy ****?"

It's at this point that her (what I like to call) girl reflex kicks in. She understands that I, as a wealthy guy, have nothing to lose and she, wanting as much of my money as she can grab, has to improve her attitude if she wants this to go well for her.


She rolls her eyes again and starts walking toward the restaurant. "Fine," she mutters.

This particular Pan Asian restaurant indeed requires a tie and jacket, but lo and behold, they provide them. I put on the loose-fitting jacket and navy blue, polka-dotted tie, and sit down across from Jenna the insane.

"So Jenna," I begin, anxious to put our earlier evening behind us, "You say you're a teacher?"

She rolls her eyes once more. "Yeah," she says as she checks her reflection in her spoon.

"And you teach elementary school. Tell me about that."

She rolls her eyes again. "I'm a teacher and I teach elementary school. That's all there is to it."

"Why are you in such a nasty mood, Jenna? Would you like to end the date?"

"You're the one who's nasty, but I'll give you another chance."

"How am I the nasty one? You're the one who blew a gasket when you saw what I was wearing. It didn't have to be a federal case, but that was your decision, not mine."

"I didn't make a ****ing federal case out of it, and you'll shut up if you know what's good for you."

Before I can respond to her latest piece of wisdom, a waiter comes by for our drink order. Jenna orders the house special drink, the "Jing-Ling," which is apparently a full-bodied assortment of nearly every top-shelf liquor in the house. I order a water.


"A water?" she asks after the waiter leaves, "Please tell me that you're not ordering a water at this place."

"I just did. Why? Is the water bad?"

She rolls her eyes. God, the next time she rolls her eyes, I'm going to murder her. "Okay, let's just try to have a good time together."

"Jenna, if you're not having a good time with me, then we can just leave."

She rolls her eyes. "Oh no, I'm not creating a scene here. You're going to sit down and do as you're told. I don't understand what the problem is."

I shut up and look over the menu.

Now, I'm a recently turned vegetarian, but for my master plan to work, I decide to put aside my dietary restrictions for this night. The most expensive item on the menu is something called the "Outrageous Medley." It's virtually a two-hundred-dollar, one-and-a-half-foot pile of seafood that they bring to your table with all kinds of flaming tiki torches and assorted paraphernalia.

The waiter comes by and Jenna orders a salad appetizer and a Chilean sea bass entrée. When I order the Outrageous Medley, the waiter's eyes noticeably widen, and a grin the size of Texas spreads uncontrollably across his face.

When he leaves, Jenna looks at me, impressed. "Wow. There might be hope for us after all. You'll have to let me try some of your food."

I nod. "Oh yes, I'll let you try as much of it as you'd like."

"I have an idea," she declares, "How about since you're paying for dinner, I'll take you out for ice cream afterwards?"

Smiling, I respond, "That sounds great."

We don't talk much until our food arrives. You know those times when you order something amazing in a restaurant and everyone turns their head as they see it being brought before you? This was one of those times, as the waiter brought this steaming, flaming bowl of seafood before me.

"Bon appetit," quips the waiter as he bows and leaves us to our meal.

I turn to my Outrageous Medley in time to see Jenna scooping huge forkfuls from it onto her own plate.

She's in the midst of picking off each individual shrimp when I interrupt, "Hey, you know I like shrimp, too."

She stares directly at me. "You can get it whenever you want. This is a rare treat for me. Is that a problem?"

I lean back and smile. "Of course not. Take whatever you want."

Picking up my own fork, I begin eating the wonderfully presented meal. Naturally, Jenna left me with little to no shrimp. That sucks, because I like shrimp.

About seven minutes later, with about a quarter of the food remaining, I stand up. "I'll be right back. I'm going to use the restroom."

I excuse myself from the table, make my way to the front of the restaurant, take off my tie and jacket, leave them on a chair, and exit from the place, leaving Jenna to pay the check.

I call up some of my friends from college and spend the remainder of the evening at their apartment watching Family Guy.


Jenna never contacted me for a second date. Pity.

sprinkles

wtf!? Am i supposed to read all of that for a punch line??

jaggeh

there is no punchline, its not a joke, its a collection of humerous stories.
jesus christ has the average intelligence on boards lowered overnight or something?

hussey

read the whole thing - not really funny and the guy sounds like a pr1ck

joejoem

They were brilliant! Is this you? I know the indian place you were talking about with all the christmas lights. I went on a date there once and made the mistake of ordering vindaloo and trying to wash it down with beer. 0 - twisted in 30 mins

joejoem

WTF? I thought they were brilliant!!!! *Cheers!*

yossarin

the guy is a bit of a prick, but thats what makes the stories funny.

WizZard

Very good! Any more??

roar_ie

I thought they were really good. Cheers

skywalker

Yeah they were pretty funny once you got into em.

the jew

Good shít if you ask me. Where did you get them from? I take the guy isn't you, or is it?

Eoin

jaggeh wrote:

Ever kiss a dead person? So have I. It was kind of like that.

That shouldn't be funny, but it still made me laugh...

mang87

Awesome :cool:

jaggeh

theres loads more, roughly 30. i just picked the latest few.

i will supply more on tuesday when im back in work (where the addy is stored)

sprinkles

jaggeh wrote:

there is no punchline, its not a joke, its a collection of humerous stories.
jesus christ has the average intelligence on boards lowered overnight or something?

Sorry but the volume of text put me off. I'm not sure if that equates to my intelligence lowering or just that I don't want to spend 10 mins getting to a punchline. I like my jokes short and sweet, each to their own etc..

BigEejit

indeed .... CBA reading a load of shíte like that ...

JackKelly

lol. It took me 10 seconds to just scroll down past the text. It's probably hilarious though.

mang87

sprinkles wrote:

Sorry but the volume of text put me off. I'm not sure if that equates to my intelligence lowering or just that I don't want to spend 10 mins getting to a punchline. I like my jokes short and sweet, each to their own etc..

There's no punchline. It's just funny.

mang87

sprinkles wrote:

Sorry but the volume of text put me off. I'm not sure if that equates to my intelligence lowering or just that I don't want to spend 10 mins getting to a punchline. I like my jokes short and sweet, each to their own etc..

It's not a joke, there's no punchline. It's just a funny read.

Ruaidhri

that is *classic*
very enjoyable read. cant wait to see more of yer exploits !

Mossy Monk

took a while to read but well worth it

stuey

so the cops knew that Internal Affairs were setting them up?

Flashling

Twas funny, but the last one....he didn't need to be that mean to the girl....

Mossy Monk

i disagree. she was a demanding, self centered, stuck up ****

Eoin

BigEejit wrote:

indeed .... CBA reading a load of shíte like that ...

It was quicker than having to google yet another acronym used on boards

Victor

msn today

me = marguerite

Never give out your password or credit card number in an instant message conversation.

Kim says:
how are ya missis
marguerite says:
all hot and bothered
Kim says:
why???
Kim says:
when ya leavin?
Kim says:
ya comin near drez?
marguerite says:
I'm not sure about leaving at this stage
marguerite says:
this guy I met this morning ...
marguerite says:
he's welll
marguerite says:
hung
Kim says:
heh?
Kim says:

marguerite says:
he's been shagging me senseless all day
marguerite says:
I feel sooo horny
Kim says:
nice! so which sister is this im talking to?
Kim says:
or who exactly?
Kim says:
tell mags i said hi!
marguerite says:
the guy using your sisters computer after she forgot to log out
marguerite says:
you should tell her to watch that
Kim says:
hahahaha
Kim says:
nice
Kim says:
il tell her! ya wanna log her out now?
Kim says:
where is this by the way?
marguerite says:
after I copy the log and post it on www.boards.ie
Kim says:
ah dont !
Kim says:
thats so cruel
marguerite says:
Its OK, it will only show as kim and marguerite
Kim says:
no email addresses tho please, thats a bit much

jaggeh

class, so did you get her number?

Corben Dallas

Very funny, but Jared seems to be a bit of a Pr!ck. Like the oppostie of a JAP
(Jewish American Princess), scams these women on a date, has no money, boat, top job etc, probably works in Burger King and trys to shag desperate Jewish golddiggers on false pretenses..... and then whines like a B iatch when they try to stiff him for the bill or eventaully tells them " will u still love/shag me if i wasnt rich.?"
I sorta like his style.

Jaggeh are u sure u aint been to NY recently? LOL

jaggeh

i was actualy, like 5 weeks ago :P

mcgovern

Good stuff!

biko

Sounds suspiciously like www.tuckermax.com