Dad

LegacyUser

Hi.
I really dont know where to start here, but basically I am very close to my dad. There are 4 in my family. My brother my mum my dad and myself.
My dad is 69. Im 16.
When I was younger I did relise that my dad was older than my friends dads, but I didnt really bother me, until I got a little older. I would die for my father.
I reckon my Parents marraige is pretty much over. i dont believe my mum totally loves my dad, and i know that she had an affair a few years ago. My dad works hard, really hard. And just gives my mum money any time she needs it. My dad has not got an easy life with my mum, she'll cook his dinner but he gets his own breckfast, and tea. She'll wash his clothes, but I have to buy his clothes, well I don't have to, but I do, with my wages from my part time job. I dont really mind, but it hurts. They have different rooms.
Although they get on together and stuff, its like they are friends, not husband and wife. My mum is 43 by the way.
My brother makes my life hell. So does my mum.
I only really have my dad. Recently I cant get it out of my head, what if he dies?
He is not really able to move around at the moment, his hip is hurting him.
I know that its hurting him becasue a man, that NEVER admits being ill, asked me to help him put on his sock and shoe because he couldnt bend down. He cant walk up the stairs as quickly as he could, say a month ago.
He keeps making comments about dying too. He doesnt realise that is a touchy subject. Something that scares me beyond anything else in the world.
He was going to a wedding last thursday, and my auntie (his siter0 wanted to take photos of him. I took the photos outside and he said "Keep one of those for my memory card", the mirror blew down today. And he said, Tara do ya know what that means. I asked him what and he said "A death" "A tragety" He keeps making those kind of comments,
I love him so much. I can't bear this any longer. If anything happens to him, I can't go on without him.
We are not the kind of family that can sit down and tell each other how much we love each other. So talking to him is kind of not a possibility.
Any ideas on how to make me feel better.
Thanks.

Beruthiel

Tara Lou wrote:

I reckon my Parents marraige is pretty much over. i dont believe my mum totally loves my dad, and i know that she had an affair a few years ago.

this can happen for many different reasons tara, and most kids don't know the half of it.

My dad works hard, really hard.

do you think perhaps he might prefer it that way? My dad doesn't know what to do with himself if he's not working.

Although they get on together and stuff, its like they are friends, not husband and wife.

this can happen a lot in long term relationships if effort isn't put in on both sides

Recently I cant get it out of my head, what if he dies?

we all worry about stuff like that tara, try not to dwell on it but rather enjoy the time you have with him now and make the most of it while you have him.

He is not really able to move around at the moment, his hip is hurting him.

has he been to the doctor? my dad just had his hip replaced, he had been in a lot of pain and limping a lot, he swears by it and is thrilled to have had it done.

He keeps making comments about dying too.

when you get to a certain age, you realise that you're time will be coming up anytime now, you are bound to think of it, it's natural and a way of making peace with yourself I imagine

He doesnt realise that is a touchy subject.

perhaps he is trying to prepare you in his own way?

"Keep one of those for my memory card"

do you think he's trying to make light of it for you?

I love him so much. I can't bear this any longer. If anything happens to him, I can't go on without him.

you can, strength comes from the strangest places when needed. But, again I have to say that you should be enjoying your time with him.
Why not talk to him about how you feel while he is here to hear it, you will be so glad you did, don't say it's not possible, anything is possible if you tell yourself so.

Skip

Yes, the only thing you can help with is talk to him, you'll regret it forever if you don't.

eden_my_ass

I'm not quite sure what you expect to get here to make you feel better, but....

Firstly, yes he is going to die, so will my dad and everybody elses. There have been times I've contemplated death more where my family are concerned than myself, and yes it is frightening. But its inevitable, worrying about it, although hard not to do, especially in your circumstances (my dad took a fall recently and though he is only ~55 he did himself some damage and more to the point I found myself thinking...jeez, hes not as tough as I remember him when I was a child)

I suppose what I think you should look at is this. You have a dad, you have a mother, you have a brother (I know siblings are a pain, but bloods blood!) and for that you (and I and many others) are incredibly lucky and should be incredibly grateful.

Hes not dead, hes alive, and all you can do is celebrate that fact for as long as possible. Love him as much as you can (and it sounds like you are a great daughter to him) for as long as you can, and don't waste that time worrying about something you can't change.

As for him bringing it up, its not that morbid a thing to do. My grandparents love throwing out the old "sure I might not be here next time you call" line, its their way of preparing you I think, and isn't it great to have lived long enough that the thought of death isn't so frightening as it would be to a young person!

Forget about death, enjoy life (at least that you can control!)

gubby

Although they get on together and stuff, its like they are friends, not husband and wife.
Well, I think that is brilliant!! sure its better that they are friends. Sadly there are many many married couples who cant even stand each other!! and for the rest.....
ditto for what eden my ass and beruthiel said.

golden gal

one of the scariest things in life is when you see a parent weakened.we are so used to relying on them that its just plain weird to think that they need help. but try not to focus on this.focus on how he is still there for you and will be for a long time.
dont let the fear control you.
and lastly i'd say that he knows how much you love lim; actios can speak louder than words.

Blub2k4

Tara Lou wrote:

Hi.
I really dont know where to start here, but basically I am very close to my dad. There are 4 in my family. My brother my mum my dad and myself.
My dad is 69. Im 16.
When I was younger I did relise that my dad was older than my friends dads, but I didnt really bother me, until I got a little older. I would die for my father.
I reckon my Parents marraige is pretty much over. i dont believe my mum totally loves my dad, and i know that she had an affair a few years ago. My dad works hard, really hard. And just gives my mum money any time she needs it. My dad has not got an easy life with my mum, she'll cook his dinner but he gets his own breckfast, and tea. She'll wash his clothes, but I have to buy his clothes, well I don't have to, but I do, with my wages from my part time job. I dont really mind, but it hurts. They have different rooms.
Although they get on together and stuff, its like they are friends, not husband and wife. My mum is 43 by the way.
My brother makes my life hell. So does my mum.
I only really have my dad. Recently I cant get it out of my head, what if he dies?
He is not really able to move around at the moment, his hip is hurting him.
I know that its hurting him becasue a man, that NEVER admits being ill, asked me to help him put on his sock and shoe because he couldnt bend down. He cant walk up the stairs as quickly as he could, say a month ago.
He keeps making comments about dying too. He doesnt realise that is a touchy subject. Something that scares me beyond anything else in the world.
He was going to a wedding last thursday, and my auntie (his siter0 wanted to take photos of him. I took the photos outside and he said "Keep one of those for my memory card", the mirror blew down today. And he said, Tara do ya know what that means. I asked him what and he said "A death" "A tragety" He keeps making those kind of comments,
I love him so much. I can't bear this any longer. If anything happens to him, I can't go on without him.
We are not the kind of family that can sit down and tell each other how much we love each other. So talking to him is kind of not a possibility.
Any ideas on how to make me feel better.
Thanks.

Tell him this, not us, go on do it now or at the next oppurtunity, give him a hug too.

Break the mould, if you need to talk to him then you are the type that needs it dont bother with the "way things have always been" or some such crap, if you need his closeness go get it.

annR

Tara, I really feel for you because you are just 16 and having to deal with this a little earlier than many of us would.

However it hurts everyone to see their parents get old.

My parents are awful for cracking jokes. My mother even laughs about which undertaker she wants. Incredibly tasteless really but it does help me lighten up. I realise that this is going to happen and my parents would not want it to destroy my life. It's part of nature. Please try to view it that way rather than something which shouldn't happen. Part of the inevitable wheel of life.

Do your best - you will get satisfaction out of looking after him and he knows you care. Time will pass and no matter what happens, you'll get through it. You're only young. I can barely remember when I was 16, feels like light years away. Remember to get some help if you feel really bad.

seamus

^^
What they've all said. Talk to him about it.

It's a natural part of growing up that your perceptions of your parents change. When you're a kid, parents are God. There is no-one more infallible, and no-one you would go to first for protection. As you become an adult yourself, and as you notice your parents are only human, it can be quite a shock to the system, like seeing your heroes falling down.