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Today

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  • 26-07-2005 12:02am
    #1
    the raven
    Registered Users Posts: 329 ✭✭


    Today

    Winds howl through a ghost-town estate;
    Myriad of mazed, pale, terraced houses,
    Perfect gauntlets, cuddled, gazing on at carried rains
    Willowing patterns over road, riding the gusts –

    Square garden driveways trickle streams to the
    Doorstep splash of a foot as it lands outside ready to
    Brave the elements for a carton of milk –

    For the second time today the clouds break and the Sun
    Plays the rain away, watching the wind race on.


Comments

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    #2
    ANarcho-Munk
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,397 ✭✭✭ANarcho-Munk


    Ok, I'm not much of a critic but I found that poem kind of gruelling to read, the rythm just seems out of step and it was almost a choir (chore?) to follow. I dunno maybe it's because I'm tired, but maybe if you edit it a little bit and try a different rythm it could work very well. What is your main aim in this poem, is it to create a rhytm? or is it just simply flowing from your mind? or are you trying to create vivid mental images that the reader can picture? etc etc.

    Please don't take offence at this. it's only a bit of constructive criticism (well I hope it's being constructive :) )


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    #3
    the raven
    Registered Users Posts: 329 ✭✭the raven


    ANarcho-Munk wrote:
    Please don't take offence at this. it's only a bit of constructive criticism (well I hope it's being constructive :) )

    nah man, i don't take offense, i mean if i did i'd be one hell of a hypocrite and a sh1t critic.

    could you go into it more where the rhythm is off... the way i read (damn subjectivism) it seems ok...


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    #4
    supersheep
    Closed Accounts Posts: 656 ✭✭✭supersheep


    Maybe the second verse, but don't know how you'd change it. I like it though. Not too hard to recite. Nice imagery.


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    #5
    Le Rack
    Closed Accounts Posts: 9,846 ✭✭✭Le Rack


    good imagery man, as always


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    #6
    ANarcho-Munk
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,397 ✭✭✭ANarcho-Munk


    the raven wrote:
    nah man, i don't take offense, i mean if i did i'd be one hell of a hypocrite and a sh1t critic.

    could you go into it more where the rhythm is off... the way i read (damn subjectivism) it seems ok...


    Im going to bed now, so I'll get back to you in the morning about it if that's ok.
    I actually read it again more carefully this time and t seems a lot better now after I looked at it more deeply.

    Anyway I'll get back to you tomorrow about it :)


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