Who Is To Blame?

arbeitsscheuer

Ok, this is my first time posting a poem, and I'm pretty cr&p, so be gentle. But I am looking for feedback so... Be half honest and half gentle.
Ok...

Who Is To Blame?
The loser lives all alone.
He has no friends; he's on his own.
He has no girl to call his own.
Yes, the loser lives all alone.

It didn't used to be like this.
Yes, once there was a girl to kiss,
But that has faded into timeless mist.
Now no one visits this philanthropist.

But whose fault is this turn of events?
The enforced nature of his independence?
The disappearance of once-loyal friends?
The lack of chances to make amends?

Why, he is, of course. Don't you see?
His life his own responsibility.
He took them all for granted, and so
They've all left him alone with his sorrow.


Now, I don't like that philanthropist word there, but I couldn't think of anythin else.That, and the rhythm stutters occasionally cos I used too many/too few syllables in certain places.

Cheers,
Seb

Nidge

SebtheBum wrote:

Ok, this is my first time posting a poem, and I'm pretty cr&p, so be gentle. But I am looking for feedback so... Be half honest and half gentle.
Ok...

Who Is To Blame?
The loser lives all alone.
He has no friends; he's on his own.
He has no girl to call his own.
Yes, the loser lives all alone.

It didn't used to be like this.
Yes, once there was a girl to kiss,
But that has faded into timeless mist.
Now no one visits this philanthropist.

But whose fault is this turn of events?
The enforced nature of his independence?
The disappearance of once-loyal friends?
The lack of chances to make amends?

Why, he is, of course. Don't you see?
His life his own responsibility.
He took them all for granted, and so
They've all left him alone with his sorrow.


Now, I don't like that philanthropist word there, but I couldn't think of anythin else.That, and the rhythm stutters occasionally cos I used too many/too few syllables in certain places.

Cheers,
Seb

I saw this and wanted to reply, especially seeing as no one else has...
You may not respect the opinion since you know who I am but here goes.

I think the first verse while very "heart on your sleeve" is to out there it's too direct. I think the lines might be slightly cliched (dunno how to put accent on cliche), it's a bit too self-deprecating even it is meant to be third person it almost automatically tells the reader that it's really you you're talking about even though that probably isn't a bad thing for them to think. Maybe if you could find a way to show the guy has nothing in a more subtle way, but if direct is what you want, then the job is done. But even the first verse is in the shadow of the second verse, like the first verse it is awfully direct, and it's kind of radiohead "rain down on me lyrics" in my opinion it's too sad too blue, I think in general a more imaginative and obscure way of conveying the same losses and emotions would work better.

Plus the whole second verse rhymes with itself and as you said you didn't like philanthropist, you only used it to rhyme I checked what it means and unless you work for Goal or Focus Ireland it probably shouldn't be there, either way again the third line is a bit over used (in general that is in the world not in this poem), something fading away so you probably wouldn't needed to find something else to rhyme with it if you were to change the two lines.

Before i read the whole thing i presumed he was to blame, the third verse is good cos it throws the reader and suggests it's not his fault, and the poem gets alot more subjective and personal. I like the 4th verse because the sudden change stating that he is the one responsible of his life is like a light-switch, myself I've realised people aren't going to do things for me, I like this line, it asks you in a "didn't you know all along?" type of way, how you didn't know who was in charge or to blame. I like the way the 3rd line of both the 3rd and 4th verse seem to link, in fact it's almost like the line in the 4th version should precede that of the 3rd verse, as it says he has taken them for granted, and seemingly they are gone because he couldn't make amends.

I like the concept of the poem, the idea of who is to blame and the fact that it was in debate in the 3rd paragraph, it's only a personal opinion of mine but i think being that direct is probably too much, if you replaced these statements with images that say the same thing, people would have to decipher the meaning for themselves and it would be more thought provoking, that's not to say that one doesn't wonder in what way he has taken them for granted and how he managed to lose it all, either way it all depends what you want to achieve with the poem.

the raven

philanthropist is a terrible word to use especially because the previous rhyming words all emphasize the "iSS", it just comes out like "philanthro-pissed", and that's not an attempt at juvenile humour, just the most obvious way of conveying what i meant.

the cliched rhetorical questions are terrible... and the ridiculous rhyming scheme accentuates this...

i'd imagine the only way for this piece to succeed would be in a smokey bar growled out by whiskey voice of tom waits while he abjectly strumms at his guitar...