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hello. new here, heres a poem. its called Joe.

  • 23-07-2005 3:02pm
    #1
    OutlawBlues
    Closed Accounts Posts: 49 ✭


    This is my reaction to the london bombings.

    I walked into the bar with a confident stride
    George was there and said something but I told him be quiet
    I drew my weapon and did what had to be done
    Then walked out the door, and broke into a run

    Joe walked into the bar with an arrogant walk
    I said "Hey Joey! We need to talk"
    He drew his gun and told me to shut up
    I threw down my head as he shot the place up

    I just fought with my husband and went for a drink
    Looking into my glass, I hardly had time to think
    When I heard a bang
    I turned and watched as the man with the gun ran

    I took my wife out for a night
    To make up after one of our fights
    I saw as my she was shot with a gun
    Then I turned to see the culprit run

    We asked three witnesses what did they see
    The man shot innocents
    So if we can't get him, we get his family


Comments

  • #2
    the raven
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 329 ✭✭the raven


    :) this is me smiling without anything positive to say about your piece.

    if i were to say anything i'd pretty much use the same old constructive criticism *aheh* i've posted in other threads...

    are you posting for feedback? are you interested in criticism and thus quicker development of your style? or are you here to "share" your work with others?

    forgive the cynical sarcasm...


  • #3
    OutlawBlues
    Closed Accounts Posts: 49 ✭OutlawBlues


    yeah, i'd like feedback.

    so, whats wrong with the poem exactly.

    you dont like it becuase its so simple?


  • #4
    the raven
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 329 ✭✭the raven


    OutlawBlues wrote:
    you dont like it becuase its so simple?

    nah man, it just looks like you're trying to take off nick cave (which isn't a bad thing) but you're not doing a great job of it... there's no flow and the rhythm and rhyme are, well, crap.
    i could example but you really wouldn't want me to...

    i guess it's an alright idea but it just ain't executed well...

    what sorta way does your poetry come out when you're writing? do you write a line, think about the next, write it then think about the next etc. or does it fall out in one go or is it a thing where you go back and edit the piece until it forms a "poem" or whatever??


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