Job Well Done

Le Rack

Broken, open, void.
Got to run.
Got to hide.
But like so,
Null.
Nothing is possible.

You left me ticking time after time,
Just to keep me coming,
Keep me going, going, gone!
Dig. Dig.
Burn baby burn.
Sweet anticipation.
Lusting captivation.
Euphonic whispers in the din.
Push the button, find the key,
Get stuck right in.

Working overtime to get the job done.
But when the pay was good,
It was all in fun.
Blissful times were had.
Glad to be of service.
It was good.
While it lasted.

Mr.Nice Guy

Le Rack wrote:

Broken, open, void.
Got to run.
Got to hide.
But like so,
Null.
Nothing is possible.

You left me ticking time after time,
Just to keep me coming,
Keep me going, going, gone!
Dig. Dig.
Burn baby burn.
Sweet anticipation.
Lusting captivation.
Euphonic whispers in the din.
Push the button, find the key,
Get stuck right in.

Working overtime to get the job done.
But when the pay was good,
It was all in fun.
Blissful times were had.
Glad to be of service.
It was good.
While it lasted.

First verse is good and the last one's OK but I don't like the second verse. For example, phrases like:

"Keep me going, going, gone!" - That's a bit too David Dickinson for my liking.

"Burn baby burn." - Too cliche.

"Get stuck right in." - Not a great choice of words.

Second verse needs work but it's a good effort.

Le Rack

its not meant to be a work of art, its more for the comedic effect of free running sexual thoughts when your so tired you may as well be stoned. I like bits of the first verse but the only thing I really like in it is "Euphoric whispers in the din". Thanx anyway

Mr.Nice Guy

Le Rack wrote:

Thanx anyway

You're welcome. Why is it you were polite on this thread yet you bit my head off on the other one?

Le Rack

i hadn't read the other one yet

the raven

Le Rack wrote:

its not meant to be a work of art.

no one expects it to be.

poem = better. but not by much.
it feels as if it's trying to hard to be ""poetry"", in the sense of the "oh yes, quite poignant; conservative yet post-modern" blaa bull**** of like a late 70's to 80's underground Beat Paris cafe...
you just haven't settled into your style yet. (that's not meant to be a callous observation, more of an encouraging pat on the back...)

would you like me to give an in-depth, surgical criticism? but i'd just be repeating myself on some accounts with what i've mentioned before on your other stuff...

by the by, Nice Guy (HA!), do you know the definition of "opinion"?

Le Rack

no need for a surigical analysis, it was more for comic relief than anything, cuz I find it funny up to the last one/two lines then its like "oh...yeah.. i miss him..."

Mr.Nice Guy

the raven wrote:

by the by, Nice Guy (HA!), do you know the definition of "opinion"?

An opinion is what I gave.