Poem

Suaimhneach

Actually ended up writing somethign else on it here a kind of full story or whatever.
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Just found out today that a mate died on Monday night, drowned while out drinkin' on a beach with mates after they decided to go for a swim.

I wrote this just now. I am just putting it out there for freindly constructive advice. I've only written one handful of poems in my time, so its not constructed in any particular way other than one that makes sense to me.

There are some personal things that won't be relavant to any reader, for example the "music, Of a youth that was not ours, And yet we shared." is relavant to how we both loved Rory Gallagher and the love was passed on from our respective parents.

Thanks in advance,

Jess
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For Bunny 20/7/05

Your happiness is something,
That you were so well known for,
Now your happiness is something,
You'll be well remembered for.

Your freedom of heart,
Your love of music,
Your passion for a good time.

Thoughts of you will float,
In and out of my mind,
Everyime I listen to the music,
Of a youth that was not ours,
And yet we shared.

And now your times are over,
washed away,
How sad it is this day,
to know we won't share a friendley pint,
And a mention of good memories.

You've left so young it's so very hard to belive
You're not here somewhere,
Other than our hearts and our minds.

I hope you'll sail to a better place,
Taken from this plain and into the next.

Gross Halfwit

I liked it. I much prefer poems that are personal to the writer rather than decipherable to the reader. It makes them more special. I like poems that penetrate you rather than you penetrating it. This poem was one of them. The lack of structure and rhyme did not affect its impact or flow. I read it 4 or 5 times.

Sorry to hear about your friend. My condolances.

the raven

why exactly did you choose this piece for friendly constructive criticism?

Suaimhneach

Initally I wasnt too sure of myself, but I a few friends read it over, and then I felt more confident in the poem. however, this happened after I posted looking for help.

Thanks tho.