Thick mother

LegacyUser

I hate to look for advice here but I badly need it! Right well here is goes. My parents are seperated for the last few years. No big problem there but I am just after finishing second year in college and this summer my mother decided she will do up the inside of the house to which I offer to all the work free of charge so doesnt have to pay anyone.

All the work involves laying painting walls, ceilings, laying floors, putting down new skirting board and putting up new architrave around the doors as well as stripping the varnish off the door frames cause she wants them varnished clear.

I work in an architects office five days a week during the summer and for another architect most evening when I finish working during the day. Now i usually get home around 9p.m and the I have to do all this work at home as well which causes me to up until 3a.m almost every single night of the week.

Two weeks ago I hung up a door in my girlfriends house as her dad didn't know how to do it. The only thing is that I didn't have my drill to drill out for the door lock so I told my girlfriend I would do it again and there was no problem with that. Now this moring I told my ma I was going up there to fit the lock after work and she exploded on me telling me that I have to go home and finish the work that I am at and that she has brothers that can do it themselves and that if they cant do that they should pay someone to do it! The thing is her brothers don't know how to do it or does her dad either.

I am 21 and not a child. I havent had any sort of a break all summer long. At the most I get to go out on a Saturday night with my girlfriend who I have been going out with for the last three years.. My ma really behaved like a child this morning and stormed off to work nearly taking the front door with me cause I was so mad...

What do ye reckon to what she said this morning and the way she behaved? I'm so pisd off with my ma and so upset that she would treat me like this especially as I am doing the work for free and have to give her €50 a week to stay at home! I am entitled to do what I like and go where I like as I am 21. I am sorry for going on an on but I need some urgent advice on this! Thanking you in advance...

Beruthiel

well, if this is the first time for you to put the job off, then yes, she is over reacting and I would personally be telling her that she can find someone else to do it.
Sounds to me like you have taken too much on and are finding it hard to cope, explain that to your mother, if she is happy with it taking you longer to do the job, fine - if not, let her brothers do it.

BizzyC

I think the brothers he reffered to where his girlfriends.

If I were you, I'd stop working on your mum's house. Explain to her the amount of time and effort you've been putting into it and how the way she acted was ridiculous.
Tell her that if she reacts like that again, she can pay people to do it instead.

WhiteWashMan

i would think she probably has more important things on her mind, and just happen to take out whatever her frustration is on you.

i wouldnt put to much thought into it to be honest.

sounds like far too much analysis for one incedent.

LegacyUser

This isn't the first time she has reacted to me like this! She did the same thing the day I went up to my girlfriends house to hang the door! She wasn't at home that day but I left her a note to tell her where I was and what I was doing. My girlfriends dad collected me from my house and even bought me home as well. Ya it's my girlfriends brothers that I was referring to! I have two brothers at home who haven't done a tap of work and my ma wont make them do any either!

I have told her already that I hate painting and to get someone else to do it and she hasn't gotten anyone to do it or even find out how much it would cost to get someone in to do the painting!

Oryx

Youre stressed cos youre having to work so hard, shes stressed cos shes living in a house thats torn apart. It got the better of you both. Explain how your feeling when you are both calm, and see how she comes across to you then.

Belladonna

You are a really nice person to help out that way and I'm sure your ma appreciates that. I think maybe she is seeing it that she is the more important lady in your life therefore you should attend to helping her first and then your girlfriend only after you are finished.
I'm not saying this is right, just saying I've seen this before with a friend.
Also, you need to look after yourself and get more sleep and time to enjoy your life before you get sick working all those hours.

Gurgle

Some points:
1. Many middle aged women go nuts for several years. Hard to deal with but it does go away.
2. Your 21 to you and everyone else except your mother.To her, you're 13. Shes acting like these are household chores you have to do to pay your way. If your paying €50 pw & clean up after yourself then painting & decorating is you doing a MASSIVE favour for your dear old Mum.
3. You need to get out more, for your sanity.

-edit- ffs take a week off and go somewhere sunny

newgrange

It's not about the door.

She's stressed and feeling insecure, she has split from a man she presumably hoped she would be with all her life, and now, among other things, her baby (and you always will be no matter what age you are) is starting to leave the nest, having a girlfriend and doing things for her family. Are you an only child? That would make it much worse for her.

She is your mother, and you only get one.

pickarooney

Did you talk your mother out of paying professionals to do the job? A job that she reckons would be done by now if you weren't arsing about, doing other jobs? (just saying she might think this in a moment of frustration).

skywalker

You definitely too on too much this summer mate, but you did it with the best of intentions. & its true that we take things out on the ones we love, Shes probably hurting as possibly would your dad previously done the handywork around the house?

The only possible reason (not excuse) I could find for your mother is that she's probably sitting at home all day watching slow progress, admittedly your out working the whole day but if shes sitting at home lonely all day it might seem like very little is getting dont (Im surmising here as you havent said if shes working or not).

If it were me Id take a break of a week or so & give yourself some time to enjoy yourself. Let your brothers pick up the paint brushes next week.

LegacyUser

newgrange wrote:

It's not about the door.

She's stressed and feeling insecure, she has split from a man she presumably hoped she would be with all her life, and now, among other things, her baby (and you always will be no matter what age you are) is starting to leave the nest, having a girlfriend and doing things for her family. Are you an only child? That would make it much worse for her.

She is your mother, and you only get one.

She has been seperated from my dad for over three years now... I'm not an only child. I have two brothers. one of them is 20 and still doesn't have to do any of this work or even be made help out! I lived away from home last year while I was in college. I have to do all this work as well as having to worrry about getting grinds for exams that I have to repeat in college towards the end of august (no study done for them yet! havent the time) Ya i did talk her out of getting professionals in the beginning as I was concerned about her saving money to pay them when I can do the work myself.

LegacyUser

skywalker wrote:

You definitely too on too much this summer mate, but you did it with the best of intentions. & its true that we take things out on the ones we love, Shes probably hurting as possibly would your dad previously done the handywork around the house?

The only possible reason (not excuse) I could find for your mother is that she's probably sitting at home all day watching slow progress, admittedly your out working the whole day but if shes sitting at home lonely all day it might seem like very little is getting dont (Im surmising here as you havent said if shes working or not).

If it were me Id take a break of a week or so & give yourself some time to enjoy yourself. Let your brothers pick up the paint brushes next week.

Nope she doesnt be at home all day on her own. She minds childern during the day and my two brothers do be at home as well. My younges brother does work sometimes during the day but he doesn't start work until two if he does. He is only 16 and works in a video shop whereas my other brother 20 only works on a sunday.. There is no fear they will do any painting. My ma always makes excuses for them like they won't do a good job and will make a complete mess of it! I only wish I could take a week off and go somewhere sunny with my girlfriend. I wanted to do that all summer but its looking more unlikely every single day that it wont happen and I want it to happen!

skywalker

Well I guess the question is if you want it to happen so badly why wont it happen? your working 2 jobs atm so Im guessing it aint the money. Its not your responsibilty to do the work of your brothers, If your working 2 jobs who dya reckon should be painting the house? Point this out to your mother next time she gives out, & dont let her away with excusing them weakly. Im not saying down tools but dont kill yourself trying to get it done.

& remember the option for a holiday wont be there for ya once you get back into college. Good luck buddy.

[someguy]

You need to reach between your legs and find your balls.

You're not a kid, you need to make your mother see this as she obviously doesn't. She's getting way too worked up for this to be just about fixing up your house.
Speak up for yourself and insist that you will only do the same amount of work as your lazy-ass brothers. If she doesn't like it, tough ****, she can take it or leave it.

You might say "I couldn't do that to my mother" but it's either that or shut up and keep being a doormat to her (and it will no doubt just get worse as time goes on).

LegacyUser

[someguy] wrote:

You need to reach between your legs and find your balls.

You're not a kid, you need to make your mother see this as she obviously doesn't. She's getting way too worked up for this to be just about fixing up your house.
Speak up for yourself and insist that you will only do the same amount of work as your lazy-ass brothers. If she doesn't like it, tough ****, she can take it or leave it.

You might say "I couldn't do that to my mother" but it's either that or shut up and keep being a doormat to her (and it will no doubt just get worse as time goes on).

Skywaker its to do with money a bit as well. Last February year I fell victim to an internet fraud that has ended up costing me over 5000 euro in debt with the bank.


Someguy I had to move out of my house the summer just before I started first year in college. Things between me and my ma got out of control and I ended up staying in a B&B for a week. My da then intervened and convinced me to go home! She gave me an awful time in my first year in college as I ended staying a lot of nights in the lads houses and going out with them. Then last year I stayed in rented accomodation and everything was good between me and ma until this morning. she made a big issue out it in the beginning telling me I was not allowed to stay in rented accomodation and that I was to travel in and out every day! I went behind her back and sorted out the accomodation and moved in! There was nothing she could do about it then!

I told her this evening that my bros can do some of the painting and she turned around to me and said no that they wouldn't be able to do it as good as I would be able to! Total bulls**t or what. it's not the point of how good they would be it's the point that they should be made take some of the load off me!

[someguy]

VERYMAD wrote:

she made a big issue out it in the beginning telling me I was not allowed to stay in rented accomodation and that I was to travel in and out every day!

Again sounds like she's in denial about you growing up and moving on.

Painting is hardly rocket science, i'm assuming your brothers are able-bodied and if so they should be able to paint without a problem. What makes you so good at it anyway? i take it you're not a decorator seeing as you're working in an archiatects office.

I think it's time you all realise that you've gotta get out from under your parents wings sometime and it looks like it's going to be made into a big deal by mammy as she tries to make you back down.