You're not the one.

Gross Halfwit

You're not the one.
By Gross Halfwit.

You're not the sunlight in my Sunday morning bliss,
You're not the tingle in that first unexpected kiss,
You're not the swing in every song,
But you're the weakness of the strong.

You're not the free toy in my cornflakes,
You're not the one whose heart breaks,
You're not the noise of a Transformer morphing,
But you're the one whose most important.

You're not the one who knows what I know,
You're not the one who likes where I go,
You're not the one whose all my things,
Oh but when that doorbell rings.

You're not the fight I wanted to win,
You're all I have but I want everything.
You may be just what I need,
But you cannot stop my greed.

the raven

Gross Halfwit wrote:

You're not the noise of a Transformer morphing

classic.
absolute classic.

Gross Halfwit

the raven wrote:

classic.
absolute classic.

Why thank you.

Blush_01

To be honest I thought it had a very childish rhyming scheme - far too obvious and sing-song-y. While some of the metaphors were amusing, on the whole it was something you'd expect of a little kid, poetically. If it was a joke, then it worked. But as a serious piece of poetry, not so much.

Plus, who's and whose mean two different things.

Le Rack

the last verse and the first verse I really like but, the two in between? Dodgy, the cornflake metaphor is good, but Transformers, amusing as it is, no. The idea behind it is beautiful in my mind anyway. "Oh but when that doorbell rings." tad too cheesy, but if it works it works, Mature the language and writing style a bit and there'll be good stuff to come.

carpothepunk

it sounds a bit like the stuff i used ta do,it sounds forced,but the idea is right,i would say there will be some good stuff from you

Mr.Nice Guy

Le Rack wrote:

the last verse and the first verse I really like but, the two in between? Dodgy, the cornflake metaphor is good, but Transformers, amusing as it is, no. The idea behind it is beautiful in my mind anyway. "Oh but when that doorbell rings." tad too cheesy, but if it works it works, Mature the language and writing style a bit and there'll be good stuff to come.

The poem is good. Why are you knocking it? Since when are you an expert? You should try working on your own writing. :rolleyes:

Le Rack

look ger when you start writing and taking serious interest in poetry then you can tell people what to do. I never said I was an expert, I never said I was the god of writers I never knocked it, I said part of it was dodgy and had great praise on the whole, so clean your glasses and read things properly before you start condemning people.

Mr.Nice Guy

Le Rack wrote:

when you start writing and taking serious interest in poetry then you can tell people what to do.

I do write and I do have a serious interest in poetry. Just because you post poems on Boards means nothing. I think you've let a few kind words on this forum go to your head.

Le Rack wrote:

I never said I was an expert, I never said I was the god of writers I never knocked it, I said part of it was dodgy and had great praise on the whole, so clean your glasses and read things properly before you start condemning people.

What I read was "Dodgy, the cornflake metaphor is good, but Transformers, amusing as it is, no."

What's wrong with Transformers? In your other poem you used the phrase "Going, going, gone". You called the effort "too cheesy, but if it works it works". That's arrogant and unhelpful.

"Mature the language and writing style a bit and there'll be good stuff to come."

From what I've seen, the language you have used in your poems is very immature so who are you to tell the OP to mature the language and writing style?

Get off your high horse. if you're going to criticise, let it be constructive criticism. :rolleyes:

OP, your poem was fine.

Le Rack

I am continuously working to improve me writing, if you read all my poems/songs starting from the earliest to the latest, you can see vast improvement in them.
Once again read my reply to the "going going gone" bit, it was random free thought of the situation. Not intended for greatness but as something stupid.
Granted I may not use eloquent flouncy language in my writing but I don't make reference to kids toys.
If "a few kind words go to your head" it would have happened a long time ago, the reason I put my poetry here is to have some real feedback, all my friends who ever read my stuf say its great no matter how sh!te it is.
And what you read was wrong I said "the last verse and the first verse I really like but, the two in between? Dodgy, the cornflake metaphor is good, but Transformers, amusing as it is, no." As in the the two in between are on the dodgy side.

Mr.Nice Guy

Le Rack wrote:

Granted I may not use eloquent flouncy language in my writing but I don't make reference to kids toys.

This is EXACTLY what I'm talking about. You are disrespecting the OP by saying you 'don't make reference to kids toys'! Do you not realise how arrogant you sound?

Firstly, Transformers aren't just for kids.

Secondly, the use of the word does not merit you denouncing its use.

Le Rack

I'm not "denouncing its use" I'm not "disrespecting the OP" I'm simply making the point that okay, I don't use big fancy words so maybe you regard my writing immature, but its not in my style to "make reference to kids toys", it is evidently in the OP's, And can you not read the praise I have for the OP too?

Mr.Nice Guy

Le Rack wrote:

I'm not "denouncing its use" I'm not "disrespecting the OP" I'm simply making the point that okay, I don't use big fancy words so maybe you regard my writing immature, but its not in my style to "make reference to kids toys", it is evidently in the OP's, And can you not read the praise I have for the OP too?

OK I acknowledge you have given some praise but can you not see how disrespectful it is to say

Le Rack wrote:

its not in my style to "make reference to kids toys", it is evidently in the OP's,

That comes across as both arrogant and disrespectful.

Le Rack

its not arrogant, I'm just making a comparrison between two very different peoples diferent styles of writing.

Mr.Nice Guy

Le Rack wrote:

its not arrogant, I'm just making a comparrison between two very different peoples diferent styles of writing.

In fairness, it's more than a comparison when you say:

"its not in my style to "make reference to kids toys", it is evidently in the OP's"

You're effectively dissing the OP's style and insinuating your style is far superior.

Le Rack

okay I'll use some punctuation then you might undersatnd me :

"its not in my style to "make reference to kids toys", it is, evidently, in the OP's" the word evidently is there cuz there is reference to kids toys???

Mr.Nice Guy

Le Rack wrote:

okay I'll use some punctuation then you might undersatnd me :

"its not in my style to "make reference to kids toys", it is, evidently, in the OP's" the word evidently is there cuz there is reference to kids toys???

You don't get it. It's nothign to do with punctuation, it's to do with your condescending tone acting like your style is so superior and that the OP's style is inferior.

Le Rack

no, you aren't getting what I'm saying, I can see how you can think I'm being high and mighty but I'm not. I just said that the word evidently is there because the OP does make reference to kids toys in their poem?

Mr.Nice Guy

Le Rack wrote:

no, you aren't getting what I'm saying, I can see how you can think I'm being high and mighty but I'm not. I just said that the word evidently is there because the OP does make reference to kids toys in their poem?

Again, to repeat myself, it's not about the words but the way you said it. You seem to have acknowledged how one could come to the conclusion that you were being arrogant:

Le Rack wrote:

I can see how you can think I'm being high and mighty but I'm not

Le Rack

yes I acknowledge it and say I'm not being arrogant

Mr.Nice Guy

Le Rack wrote:

yes I acknowledge it and say I'm not being arrogant

Fair enough but you can see how it comes across like that.

el_tiddlero

take it to ze thunderdrome... stop taking over the halfwit's thread with your petty arguments...
on a more critical note, good metaphors,strong imagery but poor structure... it could read easier.. it seems like the last stanza is held together by a need for rhyme and makes no point that has not already occurred within the piece, i know i rhyme mostly in my own work and somethimes sacrifice the rhythm for the rhyme but in this piece i see why this seems so poor to others.. like i said there's some cool things in there but you have to try and blend all that good work together and lose the rest..... in fact i think if you took the "you're not" out of every line its in this could be a pretty good piece.. maybe focus less on trying to speak to someone when you write and just let the thought form its own way...

Gross Halfwit

I would like to thank everyone for their feedack. That poem was written by me when I was 16. I am currently 22. I have written close to 100 poems and about 6 songs (I aint a musician) in my time. I just thought Id start off with something simple.

There will be more to come.

Thank you.

the raven

Gross Halfwit wrote:

There will be more to come.

i like it, has a grand and terrible sense of foreboding, a wonderful overshadowing cloud that we know we should fear but our inherent curiosity won't let us... "There will be more to come", possibly your best work yet, keep it up.

Blush_01

Yay *claps hands enthusiastically* I enjoy your stuff on the whole.

I don't want anyone to accuse me of being arrogant or condescending, but could you maybe work on your grammar and punctuation? They make things read better and make what you're saying much more easily understood. You have good stuff, so why let something so small drag it down? I say that because I intend on posting some of my own stuff over the next while, and would be greatly appreciative if you could do the same for me.

Should I duck in order to dodge the rotten fruit?

Gross Halfwit

the raven wrote:

i like it, has a grand and terrible sense of foreboding, a wonderful overshadowing cloud that we know we should fear but our inherent curiosity won't let us... "There will be more to come", possibly your best work yet, keep it up.

You got some kind of problem with me Raven?

the raven

not really, i just like starting fights.

honestly, that post was genuine and intended to be funny in that the thread was the first of yours that i had read. i was in fact looking forward to reading some new talent on the boards.

oh and everyone is really out to get you...







(jesus, talk about antagonism )

BEAT

Mr Nice guy and Le rack,
if you hijack one more thread with your arguments I'll ban you both for a week.

This is a place to give feedback to the OP...not to air out your grievences.

I know of your history in other forums.

Now, back to feedback on the poem please.

Nice work btw OP

Gross Halfwit

LATIN BEAT wrote:

Mr Nice guy and Le rack,
if you hijack one more thread with your arguments I'll ban you both for a week.

This is a place to give feedback to the OP...not to air out your grievences.

I know of your history in other forums.

Now, back to feedback on the poem please.

Nice work btw OP

Thank you.