Escape

LegacyUser

I’ve posted a few threads on PI that weren’t anonymous (mostly), but they’re all coming together now. Last night I realised that I’m extremely lonely and that everything I do is just a distraction from my underlying unhappiness.

I have used everything and everyone in my path just so I could escape for some brief moments. This has gone so far that the one friend that I could really say I’m wide open to wouldn’t even say hello to me last night, because she’s so sick of dealing with my selfishness. The situation with her utterly confuses me, because I really do care about her, and yet I’ve only been thinking of myself and using her as a source of comfort. I’ve ploughed through cutting, drink, drugs and friends knowing on some level that I was just looking for a distraction. I gave up paying attention to a lot of other friends and became dependant on her because she seemed to be the only one that could really provide me with a method of escape. I’ve pointed the finger at everything else, lied to myself and just done anything to escape life.

Things with her have just gone downhill over the last few months and she has told me she doesn’t trust me and that I wasn’t there for her when she was having a bad time and only kept thinking of myself. I thought I cared about her… I do care about her... But I really have to sort myself out before I can deal with her. As Social Distortion put it, “how can you love someone when you don’t love yourself?”

I was at a gig last night, got a bit upset that she was ignoring me and that things had become so bad so I said I had to go to the bathroom and legged it out of there in tears. I went and sat under a bridge for hours, and that’s when I came to conclude all of this. I need to give her some space, fix myself. Believe me, there is nothing in me that wants to come out of my comfort zone but I HAVE to, I have to sort myself so that she has someone that she can talk to. She’s going through a very lonely time and can’t talk to me because she doesn’t trust me any more.

The worst thing about this is that it’s something that I have to do all by myself. If I have anyone there standing above me helping me out of this hole I’ll just use them as a source of pity to fill my loneliness. I have to pull myself out of this hole, because there is nobody standing above me. Everything in me just wants to cover myself in dirt and sleep forever, just go on escaping from everything and using everything I can find, plough through it and move onto the next one. But last night I realised that I have to get on my feet and I have to be there for her because I care about her more than anything and I just want her to be happy.

There’s the hero in me who says that going alone and trying to pull myself out of my own hole is the bravest thing that I’ve ever done, and there’s the coward that tells me I’m running away from her and stay.

No more distractions, I have to face life head on… The only thing that contrasts me with the guy on the suicide thread is that I still have people in this world that I love enough, and that helps me to get up and to keep fighting the loneliness.

That’s all; I just wanted someone to listen.

DawnMc

well done. She is a lucky girl, I think you should show her your post, she'd appreciate it!

LegacyUser

I can't tell her this, she doesn't trust me and any time I appear concerned she thinks that it's ingenuine and that I'm only doing it so that I don't look like the asshole. I'm starting to get really concerned about how she's doing and I've no way of finding out, because she has very few close friends and puts on a front to most people as a method of escape:( Her only other close friends I don't know well enough to talk to.

I know she's feeling awful and that it's better for the time being if I just back off, but how do I know if she's doing better without me? She's stressed out from all of this stuff and doesn't want to hear about it so I can't ask anything directly

Victor

comfortzone wrote:

I went and sat under a bridge for hours

Thats such a troll-like thing to admit to.

Sue*

guest123123 wrote:

I can't tell her this, she doesn't trust me and any time I appear concerned she thinks that it's ingenuine and that I'm only doing it so that I don't look like the asshole. I'm starting to get really concerned about how she's doing and I've no way of finding out, because she has very few close friends and puts on a front to most people as a method of escape:( Her only other close friends I don't know well enough to talk to.

I know she's feeling awful and that it's better for the time being if I just back off, but how do I know if she's doing better without me? She's stressed out from all of this stuff and doesn't want to hear about it so I can't ask anything directly

Would u think of arranging to meet up with her, and explain everything that has been going through your head, and why you have probable been letting her down. Granted she maynot be to keen to meet up as, you mentioned she has lost your trust. However, i think the best thing you two can both do is to sit down and talk about what has happened, otherwise its going to be an issue that may hang over both your heads, and you both might fall further apart.

Squirrel

It's probably gonna take a while but you're gonna have to gain her trust again, probably not what you wanted to hear but if it has to be done it has to be done.

LegacyUser

I know that... I've known that for a while, I'm just worried that I CAN'T reclaim her trust

the_syco

This proberly won't help the user, but anyhoo's... Go read a good book. A really good, feelgood book. Escape into the fiction. Its one way of escaping from your life, for a few hours, every so often. Good luck with the rest of the stuff, as well.

LegacyUser

The plan was to face my problems and not escape... But I suppose everyone needs some form of escape to maintain their sanity, I might as well pick a safe one... I just want to destroy myself into a pitiful mess but for her sake I'm fighting it. And I suppose that means i should try to keep my sanity so there is actually a ME to trust again

Sleepy

Write her a letter. Not an email, an old-fashioned, pen on paper letter laying out everything in your first post. Trust me, it'll work.

nobodythere

No I can't do that, she doesn't want to hear about it for a while. I'll survive, I've found some friends with which it's been too long since I've talked to, they just take my mind off things and help me fix the loneliness.

I know we need some time away from each other to sort ourselves out, I just hope that it isn't at the point where she never wants to talk to me again... If she's happy it provides a small source of comfort, but I don't think she will be happy having been burned twice.

Screw anonymous posting, I'm not ashamed of who I am.

EL_Loco

heya,

being alone doesn't have to equal loneliness. by what you've said you seem to hang out with people "to fix the loneliness". If you do find yourself by yourself, don't panic, use the time to think about things and sort some things out. don't let the fact you're by yourself automatically trigger a "oh no!" reaction. obviously this is easier said then done but if you can be relaxed in your own company then that's a big first step.

Regarding your friends, we've all gone off the rails and had friends do the same. If you can get a word with your old mates, apologise and tell them you were having a rough time then they should forgive ya. saying that, don't do the same sh|te all over again because then your apology means nothing, and will mean nothing in the future.

Regarding the girl your refer to, I think some of the other posters are right in so far as you should let her know you're sorry and are trying to get yourself together. You should thank her for all the times she was there for you and admit to being a bit selfish in the past. but you're making amends and will be there for her in the future.

I don't think you have to run away, fix yourself up and then reappear "all better". if you can help each other together then you'll be both be better off for it. hope it helps. just my 2 cent on how I would approach it.

nobodythere

EL_Loco wrote:

Regarding the girl your refer to, I think some of the other posters are right in so far as you should let her know you're sorry and are trying to get yourself together. You should thank her for all the times she was there for you and admit to being a bit selfish in the past. but you're making amends and will be there for her in the future.

Everything I've wanted to put in words for so long is right there.... thank you. It's not very often I get to meet her on her own these days and she's avoiding me (I think). Do you think I should text her what I want to say or wait a while and say it in person? It could be a few weeks and I'm afraid that the resentment will grow.

Edit: I think I might send her a short note and a small present of something that she said she wanted a long time ago that I was going to wait until her birthday to get. I'll leave it here and consult with friends on whether the text is perfect. It's something personal and I just wouldn't feel comfortable sharing it with people I don't know.

Thanks a lot to all of the posters and special thanks to you EL_Loco... if you ever need a favour in the Galway area PM me:)