meeting friends daughter???

derek27 · 15-07-2005 12:23am #1

i'm 28 (recently) and i have a friend who is edging towards 46. we have been friends for a lot of years and socialise together (not just the 2 of us, but a bunch of about 6) all the time. we drink together and play darts all the time and that. i'm the youngest of the bunch, which ranges from 28 to, the man in question...46. i have alot of respect for him. thing is, recently there was a bereavement in his family. the extended family was brought together for a funeral. i was there too to give what support i could. i discovered that he had a daughter from a previous relationship. she doesn't live with him, but in another town. she is 21 this weekend. i didn't speak to her or anything on the day, but the following day, she was still in my home town, and she left a voicemail on my phone telling me she quite liked me and left her no.. i texted her back to tell her i was 28, once was married and separated, and have a son 4 years old that lives with me, i'm a lone parent (all true). she got back on to me to tell me that that wouldn't bother her. i also explained my friendship with her father to her. she said he wouldn't mind me seeing her, and that she was old enough to make her own decisions anyway. i have to be honest and say that i find her very attractive and genuine. i think her father is aware of the fact that she is keeping in touch with me with a view to us meeting up. now, she has invited me to her home town to stay with her on the night of her birthday, saturday. i accepted her invitation (happily). my question is do you think i should make sure that is ok with her da first? i dont want to lose his friendship or respect. (he thinks i'm great btw). he has only re-established contact with his daughter in the last 3 years, but they get on great.

The Bollox · 15-07-2005 12:26am

I say pass it before the father, see what he has to say, but do it gently, you don't wanna go all out, he might not appreciate that

DoctorEdgeWild · 15-07-2005 12:29am

Definitely clear it with your friend first. That is the more important relationship at the moment. Do it in private, just you and him and if he says no, give him some time to reconsider before going too crazy!

Easily_Irritated · 15-07-2005 12:34am

DEFINATLEY talk to the Da first! Plus, this is some young one only just about to turn 21 who you've only just met.

Do you really think her dad will be thrilled with youtelling him you're going down to stay with his daughter on the night of her 21st? Plus you're 28 married, seperated and a dad... shes only a kid..

I'll say no more

derek27 · 15-07-2005 12:50am

well she told me her da was there beside her when she left the voicemail on my phone. and my brother, who is one of the people in our social circle reported to me that he said to her to go for it, that i was a lovely lad with a bright future ahead of me. so i think he'd be ok if i was to see her, but he hasn't been made aware that she has invited me down. i'm a bit older than her alright, but she is sensible enough in my opinion, and, tbh, i'm no assho!e either. but for sure, if the da dont approve, then i'll leave it.

Easily_Irritated · 15-07-2005 12:52am

Im not saying you're an asshole. Im sure you're a nice guy. Just saying is all.... you just meet one of your best mates daughter for the first time, she invites you down to stay with her on the night of her 21st party and she tells you her dad knows but u don't kow that he is. Just sounds a bit dodge

Ah don't mind me, Im sure shes your soul mate and ye'll end up marrying, he'll walk her down the isle and be your best man two and ye'll have half a dozen kids

derek27 · 15-07-2005 12:58am

i suppose i'm gonna say it to him first. i have too much respect for the guy to go behind his back. i'm pretty sure he knows whats goin on (with the exception of the arrangement for this weekend), but i find it kinda awkward to bring it up. he's a nice guy. i'm sure he'll have a one word answer, yes or no, and after that our friendship will continue as it has always been. but then again, she was thrilled that she met me and has really taken a shine to me, and i to her. AAAAAARGH!!!!

BeardyGit · 15-07-2005 1:03am

Easily irritated appears easily irritated. You know what you have to do - Have a quiet word with her Dad/your friend - Make sure he gives you the okay and all will be well.

You've already experienced a serious relationship and its subsequent breakdown, the birth of your son and the responsibilities you obviously meet. Your priorities and loyalties are well placed too from the sounds of it. You're no fool I'd imagine.

So don't be worried about it - You already know what to do. Ignore the comments regarding her age from E.I. - Input that serves absolutely no purpose other than to suggest he has little experience of adult life.

All the best,

Gil

derek27 · 15-07-2005 1:06am

thanks gil dub. you're the very first person to get on my buddy list!

Easily_Irritated · 15-07-2005 1:10am

Gil_Dub wrote:

Easily irritated appears easily irritated. You know what you have to do - Have a quiet word with her Dad/your friend - Make sure he gives you the okay and all will be well.

You've already experienced a serious relationship and its subsequent breakdown, the birth of your son and the responsibilities you obviously meet. Your priorities and loyalties are well placed too from the sounds of it. You're no fool I'd imagine.

So don't be worried about it - You already know what to do. Ignore the comments regarding her age from E.I. - Input that serves absolutely no purpose other than to suggest he has little experience of adult life.

All the best,

Gil

Clearly you're not very bright

When I was talking about dereks age and experience I was just comparing it to the girls, which I assume isin't very vast and hes only known her for a very short amount of time!

derek27 · 15-07-2005 1:16am

Easily_Irritated wrote:

Clearly you're not very bright When I was talking about dereks age and experience I was just comparing it to the girls, which I assume isin't very vast and hes only known her for a very short amount of time!

i've spoken to her a lot since i met her and tbh, she's a bit more experienced than your average 21yo imo. she runs her own hairdressers in her home town, she ent out with a guy before who as also separated and had a kid for a year, and she has pretty much brought herself up as her mother has been aay most of the time since she was 14. her da and ma are split up since she was 8 months old. and for all she has come through, she is well educated and intelligent, very well mannered, responsible. these are the things i find most attractive about her. i appreciate your advice as much as anyone elses. thats why i posted up my thoughts, so i could get feedback. thanks.

derek27 · 15-07-2005 1:17am

sorry about my W its broken.

Easily_Irritated · 15-07-2005 1:20am

Ah well Im sure you know best, derek

weemcd · 15-07-2005 1:31am

sounds like you are on a winner tbh. He knows you have respect and mentioning the invite but saying "thought id put it past you first" re-enforces the respect you have for the man. Anyway think about it!

No awkward meeting of the parents, living in fear of the crazy inlaws etc.

I think everyone on this thread has hit it on the head and i cant see there being any problem.

Good luck with it mate, sounds like you could do with some hapiness and you seem made for each other!

derek27 · 15-07-2005 2:52am

cheers weemcd

you've made good sense i think.

Beruthiel · 15-07-2005 7:31am

indeed pass it with your friend, he already likes you, so I think he would be very happy for his daughter to go out with you.
By asking him ,you are showing respect and that can only help.
Explain to him you don't want it to come between your friendship and that's why you are a tad worried.
Sounds like you are on a winner, and if I remember correctly, you posted a thread here before so it seems to me that you deserve some happiness at this stage.
best of luck with it!

petes · 15-07-2005 8:05am

A lot of helpful advice there Derek and mine is pretty much the same. Even if your mate was there when she left the voicemail it would be a common courtesy to run things by him first. You have been friends with him for a long time. Im sure everything will be fine with him. Clearing it first though will further cement your relationship. Good luck with it.

The Corinthian · 15-07-2005 9:03am

I would pass it with your friend regardless of whatever Chinese whispers you’ve heard claiming that he’s all right with it. If he honestly has no objections than he’ll tell you.

Also, baring in mind that you may at some stage break up with the lass, you want to consider how this would affect your relationship with your friend (i.e. if you see a break-up on the horizon, try to do it diplomatically).

And good luck.

BizzyC · 15-07-2005 10:03am

Have a word with the dad, and go to the 21st, but dont stay the night.
I think things would go a lot smoother between you and your friend if you didn't.
He hasn't said anything to you, cause he's probably waiting to see if you'll metion it to him first.

lordgoat · 15-07-2005 10:03am

only found this thread now! Derek all the best, hope things work out well for all involved, my advice would be the same really, best to say something to your friend, i'd imagine if you didn't he could be upset- as the impression i get is ye would prob talk about alot of things similar to this situation but due to the closeness in this one it's obviously a little more awkward.

anyway let us know how it goes - all nosy bastids in this place!

vibe666 · 15-07-2005 11:13am

anotgher vote here for asking your friend (her dad) first.

honesty is always the best policy. and if you think he already has an idea she's after you then you're much better off going to him first anyway as a mark of respect. should stand you in good stead for the future.

el tel · 15-07-2005 11:44am

Your mate could become your father-in-law
Have you thought about that?
It would be a lovely gesture to name the first son after him though.

In all seriousness Good luck to you Derek, the rather nice situation you
are in must be giving you that tingly sensation in your tummy :rolleyes: !

Boggles · 15-07-2005 12:17pm

derek27 wrote:

i didn't speak to her or anything on the day, but the following day, she was still in my home town, and she left a voicemail on my phone telling me she quite liked me and left her no..

Sorry derek27 just curious to know how she got your number and how she decided she liked you, did you know her from before or did she just like you on looks alone, get your number off someone and ring you up. (Quite Ballsy)

Everyone seems to be giving you the advice "to go for it but ask your friend first". Whatever way you put it to your friend all your essentially saying is "Can I bang your daughter".

If you go down that route you are creating the opportunity to cause trouble with your mate for a girl you don't even know. I'm sure he is still building bridges with his daughter if he only has rekindled his relationship the past few years. Plus the rest of the lads down the pub playing darts could have snide comments which could make people uncomfortable.

My advice would be leave well alone, why cause trouble and put your friendship at risk for someone you don't even know.

sutty · 15-07-2005 12:31pm

I say ask the dad/your mate first. Thinking of it in terms of, you sometimes got to do it anyway when you meet the perants. (getting there apovel in all)

At least your mate already likes you. So you know that if he says ok, you dont need to try impress him. He already knows you and what kind of person you are.

Boggle · 15-07-2005 1:17pm

Whatever way you put it to your friend all your essentially saying is "Can I bang your daughter".

No its not. Just ask yer mate "yes or no" and tell him that his word is final on the subject.

If your mate has good respect for you then you can pretty much take it for granted that he'd like to see his daughter with someone like you but you've gotta be above board from day one otherwise you'll lose a friend.

take into account aswell though that if things go south with the daughter you may end up losing a friend. (but only if you screw her over - which, judging by your post, I'd doubt)

Good luck!

pickarooney · 15-07-2005 1:50pm

I think asking your mate for permission to see his daughter, as opposed to informing him up-front, is likely to put him in an awkward position. If, for some reason, he doesn't want you to see her, he risks pissing you off by refusing and creating an uncomfortable situation between you two. By the sounds of it though, he'll have no objections and will be happy his daughter is with someone he know to be sound.

Boggle · 15-07-2005 2:05pm

I think asking your mate for permission to see his daughter, as opposed to informing him up-front, is likely to put him in an awkward position.

Whats the point of telling him if you don't care what he thinks?

If he doesn't want him yo see his daughter then he'll be honest enough to tell you straight. People don't beat around the bush when it comes to their kids.

Nuttzz · 15-07-2005 2:10pm

I'd tell him that you were meeting her for a drink, after all nothing may come of it. If he is a friend he wont have too much problem with it.

However a word of warning, never ever wear this t-shirt around him...
http://www.chargrilled.co.uk/v~2/proddetail.asp?prod=m0princess&cat=47

Good Luck!

jman0 · 15-07-2005 2:13pm

But maybe it's the father that's pushing his daughter to do this for his own altruistic motives!
Oo, the scandal.

derek27 · 15-07-2005 4:12pm

thanks for all the advice on this matter. your joint opinions pretty much sends a clear picture of what would be the most sensible approach. i will pass it to her da later when i see him for a drink, and discuss it with him. to reply to some of the comments/questions posed in some of the replies i have recieved...
she asked my brother for my number after i left the pub that night, she also said that she was gonna ask me to stay with them, but thought herself that it might have been a bit too forward of her.
the point about making a breakup be a diplomatic one is a good point. that is something i will also have to say to her father. i have only ever treated a person i have gone out with with respect, and he knows that. so i will explain to him that his daughter would be treated in the same wway.
about the 'bang his daughter' thingy, i'm not the type of person that rushes in to getting someone into bed. i've never had a one night stand. in fact, a girl i went out with before, we were together for 9 weeks (sleeping in the same bed for 4 of them) before we finally started to have sex. it's not sex i'm after. i would have no intention of sleeping with her either on a first date.

anyway, i told her i intended on speaking with her father first and she has no objections, reinforcing her remark that her father would be ok with it i feel. i'll be talking to him later and i'll give you an update. thanks for all your advice. have a nice day all.

:):)

Easily_Irritated · 15-07-2005 4:15pm

derek27 wrote:

i told her i intended on speaking with her father first and she has no objections, reinforcing her remark that her father would be ok with it i feel. i'll be talking to him later and i'll give you an update. thanks for all your advice. have a nice day all. :):)

Glad to hear it, Derek. Hope all works out well for ya

derek27 · 16-07-2005 3:28am

spoke to her da tonight. he was terribly pissed off. we actually landed out arguing terribly over the situation. he told me that he has the height of respect for me, and that he thinks the world of me, but he didn't want me to see his daughter. he smashed glasses and everything in the pub cos he was so thick! he finally calmed down and just explained he wouldn't like it much. i accepted. i rang her and told her what had happened and she told me she didn't care what he thinks, and that i should come down anyway. WHAT SHOULD I DO NOW!!! anyway, everything you have just read in this post is bull****. the truth is, he told me that he would love to see me and his daughter making a couple. i told him that it might not end up like that cos i only just met her, but am certainly willing to give it a go. he says it'd make him happy if it did, but wouldn't disappoint him if it didn't. we also discussed the 'what about if we were to get together and then break up issue'. he said so long as i did nothing to hurt her delibrately, he says that it would be her own problem in her own life that she would have to deal with as an adult. he explained to me that he loves his daugter and only wants the best for her. and he gave me a hug and said that i might not be the best she can get, but i'm definately not the worst. he gave me his blessing and said 'look after my daughter'. what a mate. now i can go and meet her for her 21st without that gut wrenching feeling of betrayel. she just texted me to make sure i'm coming down tomorrow! lovely girl! i think she actually likes me! i'll be looking after her cos i should. nothing to do with her da. at least its all 'above board' as they say! i'm happy

pickarooney · 16-07-2005 8:42am

All's well that begins well. Best of luck

SingingCherry · 17-07-2005 3:21am

OK... I know this is just plain old nosiness, but I really want to know how the weekend turned out, so you should post when you get back from your weekend with her and tell us about "above board" it all was with your mate's daughter. I have no doubt her 21st was a memorable one.

Victor · 17-07-2005 6:38pm

It sounds awfully like a wind up......

derek27 · 18-07-2005 2:53am

well.....
alll went perfectly well. i went down to meet her. went to her party. ended up meeting the entire family and the entire extended family all in the one night. i was the only one there that didn't know anybody, except herself. but they made me feel so at home and welcome, without even knowing anything about me. they were so nice, and great humor and fun with them too. party was great. bout 100 at it in the stand house hotel, curragh. we stayed in the hotel lastnight. i had a lot to drink and didn't feel the best for it this morning, so i got the train home at about 13:40, they all went to the races in the curragh. she is coming to athlone thurs to sunday, thats when i'll see her again. bit of distance involoved , but its very early days yet. see what happens.

derek27 · 18-07-2005 2:56am

Victor wrote:

It sounds awfully like a wind up......

just seen that ^^^
i dont think she's winding me up.
she even text me goodnight there a little while ago.
if she is, i'll deal ith it, but i dont think she is.

LundiMardi · 18-07-2005 5:39am

he means that you sound like you're the wind up. After all, the situation is a bit 'sleepless in seatle' isn't??

Best of luck though, don't get her pregnant, i don't think her da would like that.

Beruthiel · 18-07-2005 7:51am

derek27 wrote:

spoke to her da tonight. he was terribly pissed off. we actually landed out arguing terribly over the situation. he told me that he has the height of respect for me, and that he thinks the world of me, but he didn't want me to see his daughter. he smashed glasses and everything in the pub cos he was so thick! he finally calmed down and just explained he wouldn't like it much. i accepted. i rang her and told her what had happened and she told me she didn't care what he thinks, and that i should come down anyway. WHAT SHOULD I DO NOW!!! anyway, everything you have just read in this post is bull****.

derek
why exactly, would you post that?

LundiMardi · 18-07-2005 8:14am

earth calling sense of humour, come in sense of humour......... *silence*

Nevyn · 18-07-2005 10:50am

IT is not funny and can be considered trolling which will get him banned
unless he can answer the nice ladies question.

lordgoat · 18-07-2005 10:58am

anyone else see the joke?

Beruthiel · 18-07-2005 11:19am

lordgoat wrote:

anyone else see the joke?

are you aware people get banned in this forum for not staying on topic?
please read the charter
that goes for you too Lundi
B

LundiMardi · 18-07-2005 11:30am

People should be banned for being petty.

The man was just messing, it's not a big deal.

Beruthiel · 18-07-2005 11:39am

if you have a problem lundi, please report the post or PM the Mod
the next person to go off topic gets banned
B

the_syco · 18-07-2005 1:36pm

derek27 wrote:

spoke to her da tonight. he was terribly pissed off. we actually landed out arguing terribly over the situation. he told me that he has the height of respect for me, and that he thinks the world of me, but he didn't want me to see his daughter. he smashed glasses and everything in the pub cos he was so thick! he finally calmed down and just explained he wouldn't like it much. i accepted. i rang her and told her what had happened and she told me she didn't care what he thinks, and that i should come down anyway.

derek27 wrote:

the truth is, he told me that he would love to see me and his daughter making a couple. i told him that it might not end up like that cos i only just met her, but am certainly willing to give it a go. he says it'd make him happy if it did, but wouldn't disappoint him if it didn't. we also discussed the 'what about if we were to get together and then break up issue'. he said so long as i did nothing to hurt her delibrately, he says that it would be her own problem in her own life that she would have to deal with as an adult. he explained to me that he loves his daugter and only wants the best for her. and he gave me a hug and said that i might not be the best she can get, but i'm definately not the worst. he gave me his blessing and said 'look after my daughter'. what a mate. now i can go and meet her for her 21st without that gut wrenching feeling of betrayel. she just texted me to make sure i'm coming down tomorrow! lovely girl! i think she actually likes me! i'll be looking after her cos i should. nothing to do with her da. at least its all 'above board' as they say! i'm happy

The above confuses me, esp as its all in one post. one is the opposite of the other. Almost as if he wrote one, though better of it, and wrote the second, forgetting about the first. No offence, but its almost like a troll reasccing [spelling?] how the thread would continue with the first, so he tries again, to get more life out of the thread.

If its not so derek27, then explain why you did it?

Giblet · 18-07-2005 4:54pm

As a joke, anyway I don't think it's a big deal and maybe you should all calm down. Let the man have his moment. Good luck with it.

flogen · 18-07-2005 7:45pm

did he not say "everything you have just read in this post is bull****. the truth is...", as in "I was just winding you up"?

Anyway, best of luck with it, hope it all works out for you. You have one hell of a mate and you proved worthy of it by not disrespecting him and making sure he was happy with the whole thing.

meeting friends daughter???

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