Relationship Turning To Friendship?

LegacyUser

Long time poster (5yrs +) first time going anon, and I think my first time posting a thread on PI. Anyway that’s irrelevant.

I’ve been in a serious relationship for the last 2 ½ years with a great girl who I really love and get on great with, but I feel the relationship is turning more into a friendship as time passes. We have a very close relationship and she’s my best friend, but I’m becoming less and less attracted to her, this has been happening for awhile now and I suppose what has made it come to a head is the fact that I’ve met this other girl at work who I get on great with, we’re spending more and more time together and getting on increasingly better. She’s very interested in me, and the feeling is mutual. Things very nearly took another step on Thursday night but we both held strong. My girlfriend deserves to be treated with as much respect as she treats me, and I did feel guilty about it the next day as I know she would never put herself in that situation. Now, I am seriously considering ending the relationship but what’s holding me back is in a word, fear.

What happens if I break up with her and realize a few months down the line that it was a mistake?
Will breaking up with her mean I’m going to lose my best friend?
Am I lusting after this girl at work, and if so am I breaking up with my girlfriend for the wrong reasons?

The other side of my mind is saying that I’m only staying in the relationship because it’s comfortable for me. I get to see a girl I really like and get on great with, but increasingly wanting to be just friends with. We’re both only 21 and I feel that I need to live a little as well before I settle down. At the same time I don’t want to lose her.

My head is all over the place with this situation and any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Beruthiel

ckvvkjjg wrote:

What happens if I break up with her and realize a few months down the line that it was a mistake?
Will breaking up with her mean I’m going to lose my best friend?
Am I lusting after this girl at work, and if so am I breaking up with my girlfriend for the wrong reasons?

only you can really answer those questions properly.
however,
you are only 21 and that's still very young, if you're head is being turned by someone else right now then that's not helping the way you are thinking.
If you care enough about your girlfriend then you owe her a certain amount - do no have any contact with the other girl, concentrate on your g/f, see if it can be improved, if it can't then finish it with her because she deserves to be with someone who feels the same about her and all you are doing right now is wasting her time, that is selfish.
as for the fear thingie, you'll get over that one pretty quick believe me, at 21 you have all the time in the world.
Staying with someone because it's comfortable will never, ever work, some day in the future it will be over, I know that one for sure.

Red Alert

At the age you are (same as myself 21) nothing can be considered permanent.

Stay away from this girl at work for a while anyway - first you have to concentrate on you. Two and half years is a long time for relationships at this age. Although people do a lot of growing up during their teens, an incredible amount of changes take place between about 18 and 22 - generally more emotional rather than physical. Sometimes this means that relationships which were great and still are good must end, because the two people have turned into two different people.

I was crazy about a girl I met doing grinds when I was 18, things never really worked out the right way, and I'm actually thankful for that now because she's a great mate. However, the summer after that I met my current ex- at work and got on great with her. I was going out with her all last summer but then we had a massive row and split up, but sin e. I think it was good I met the now ex- as it brought the previous relationship to a head and made me work out where I wanted to go.

The rambling above basically boils down to this. You've been in a relationship for a while, of course the initial high decays. You've just now been faced with something that's made you think about the relationship a bit and has brought out some of the negative things you didn't see before. You have to weigh it up - are there some underlying problems with you and your girlfriend that maybe need to be faced up to? What sort of future if any do you think you'd have with this other person? How is she like your current girlfriend? How is she different?

Back away from this other person for a while - tell her you've a girlfriend, and you can always tell her if/when you're single. Decide what's best for you and you alone - because anything else is deceitful to your current girlfriend. Do it in the next week or so, or preferably the next few days. Tell her honestly and straight why you want out of the relationship if that's what you decide to do. Do you have any idea how she feels about the relationship at the moment?

Best of luck (Sorry for the length!)

Khannie

2.5 years must be some kind of turning point. I've had 2 relationships last that long, turn into friendships, then end.

Beruthiels advice is sound. If you've invested 2.5 years, it's worth seeing if things can be salvaged. I'm a huge believer in communication. Talk to her honestly and let her know that you think you're becoming just friends. She may feel the same way, or it may spruce things up nicely.

Fysh

Talk to your gf about it. Maybe she feels the same way; the point being that you can't control how you feel and if you're not finding yourself happy with the relationship as a whole (including your sexlife) then you have to find a way of resolving it. There's no point in making yourself unhappy for someone else's sake.

If you're not sure, maybe try to both make a conscious effort to be more sexual around each other (for want of a better phrase) i.e. make time to spend with each other and flirt, tease and have sex. Sounds stupid I know, but it's not like you'd be making an effort for something that's not fun.

If that doesn't work, think about maybe taking some sort of break for a while - with or without an option on getting involved with other people. It might help clear your head.

Ultimately though the main thing is - talk to your gf and be as honest as you can with her. That's the only way you'll figure out what's right for you, whether or not it's something easy to do.

(Another thing to think about is - if you do end up breaking up, the friendship won't be able to healthily function for a while until you both get used to "just" being friends. It's natural to need a bit of time to readjust how you act around one another).

HTH, etc.

Victor

Is this a case of "the grass is greener ... "?

Shabadu

My two cents would be to try and inject a bit of life/romance into your present relationship. It seems to me that passion is cyclical in relationships. Myself and the bf go through phases of acting like loved-up teenagers and the odd phase of being like an old married couple who are more friendly than passionate. I started going out with him when I was 21, so it's not neccesarily too young to meet a person you feel you could build a lasting relationship with.

People in relationships are not immune to getting very strong attractions/crushes on other people, normally it's just a short-term infatuation. I do feel you should try to see if you can reclaim some of the feelings you had for her when you first started going out. I would say to put the thought of the other woman out of your head until you have figured out how you really feel about your gf.

Riamfada

Relationships at 21 run their course. Your staying with yer mot for the wrong reasons. If you break up there is a 50/50 you will loose your friendship but you cant stay with this girl if your dont have feelings for her. Break up but give yourself time to climatise to the friendship and single life. If you jump into another relationship i fear there is no chance of remaining firnds with your current burd

LegacyUser

I'd imagine it's a case of the grass is greener, but at the same time I want to see and experience other relationships before I settle down. 2 ½ years is a long time, but what happens in another 2 years? Am I going to be feeling that I still won't be able to get out of the relationship because so much time has passed? I don't want to feel trapped inside a relationship at the age of 21, it's crazy! It's freaking me out that I could end up marrying this girl.

My current gf is the only girl I've had sex with and vice versa, and I know it sounds harsh but I do want to experience sex with other women. Maybe that's a symptom of our current sex life, which isn't the best. I've tried talking to the gf about it but to no avail.

Also this girl at work has a bf, and knows I have a gf, but teh attraction is still strong, and avoiding her won't be easy at all. As she hangs out with the guys I hang out with so I think that's out.

Cheers for all the advice guys (and gals) much appreciated.

LegacyUser

ckvvkjjg wrote:

I’ve been in a serious relationship for the last 2 ½ years with a great girl who I really love and get on great with, but I feel the relationship is turning more into a friendship as time passes. We have a very close relationship and she’s my best friend, but I’m becoming less and less attracted to her, this has been happening for awhile now

im 22 and this time last year i was having the very same problem with my bf i really tried and really gave it a go to try to make things go bak to the way they were when we started going out together anyway to make a long story short we stayed together for another year and then eventually last week we broke up it was a long goodbye....

I still love him to bits but the problem is now im not IN love with him i know he is good looking but i still stopped fancying him. after 3.5 years we were best friends but that was about it the spark between us had died. I got a new job and moved away and we were only seeing one another at the weekends i had a new life new friends and started realising how much fun life should be At the end of the day i gave it a go but had a misreable year we just ended up argueing all the time we both had changed so much we started going out together when we were 19 and between 19 and 22 a person changes a lot!


i know that now we cant be friends at the moment but i hope that in a few months that we can be friends again. The hardest thing iv done in my life is breaking up with my bf it broke his heart he couldnt understand how after 3 years i could leave him. I realise now that i was comfortable being in the relationship and thats why it was so hard to leave its nice having someone there all the time and its hard to imagine being without your bf or gf but really and truly its not that bad at all...

Its a hard decision to make but it would be better of you to break up than to cheat on her because if u end up cheating thats unforgiveable.... and any chance ye have of being friends in the future will be gone if u hurt her like that!

Good luck i feel sorry for you your head must be wrecked now but dont let it stay wrecked for a whole year like i did....

MiamiDancer

ckvvkjjg wrote:

I’ve been in a serious relationship for the last 2 ½ years with a great girl who I really love and get on great with, but I feel the relationship is turning more into a friendship as time passes. We have a very close relationship and she’s my best friend, but I’m becoming less and less attracted to her, this has been happening for awhile now

im 22 and this time last year i was having the very same problem with my bf i really tried and really gave it a go to try to make things go bak to the way they were when we started going out together anyway to make a long story short we stayed together for another year and then eventually last week we broke up it was a long goodbye....

I still love him to bits but the problem is now im not IN love with him i know he is good looking but i still stopped fancying him. after 3.5 years we were best friends but that was about it the spark between us had died. I got a new job and moved away and we were only seeing one another at the weekends i had a new life new friends and started realising how much fun life should be At the end of the day i gave it a go but had a misreable year we just ended up argueing all the time we both had changed so much we started going out together when we were 19 and between 19 and 22 a person changes a lot!


i know that now we cant be friends at the moment but i hope that in a few months that we can be friends again. The hardest thing iv done in my life is breaking up with my bf it broke his heart he couldnt understand how after 3 years i could leave him. Our relationship ended up in a comfort zone and it was hard to leave him it was scary to end up single again... but now its really not that bad!

Its a hard decision to make but it would be better of you to break up than to cheat on her because if u end up cheating thats unforgiveable....

Good luck i feel sorry for you your head must be wrecked now but dont let it stay wrecked for a whole year like i did....

Shabadu

Grimes wrote:

Relationships at 21 run their course. Your staying with yer mot for the wrong reasons. If you break up there is a 50/50 you will loose your friendship but you cant stay with this girl if your dont have feelings for her. Break up but give yourself time to climatise to the friendship and single life. If you jump into another relationship i fear there is no chance of remaining firnds with your current burd

Er... I'm engaged to the man I started going out with when I was 21.

LegacyUser

why are you not attracted to your gf anymore, has she put on weight?

Shabadu

Why do I feel that the banning monkey is going to make an appearance on this thread?

LegacyUser

MiamiDancer wrote:

I still love him to bits but the problem is now im not IN love with him i know he is good looking but i still stopped fancying him. after 3.5 years we were best friends but that was about it the spark between us had died. I got a new job and moved away and we were only seeing one another at the weekends i had a new life new friends and started realising how much fun life should be At the end of the day i gave it a go but had a misreable year we just ended up argueing all the time we both had changed so much we started going out together when we were 19 and between 19 and 22 a person changes a lot!

Yeah that's pretty much exactly what I'm going through. Crazy! I think I'm going to give it a shot for awhile before I rush into anything. I won't be seeing her much though, not for the next 2 weeks anyway, which could also be a root of the problem. But it's hard to make time when both of us are working fulltime and not living together.

MiamiDancer

ckvvkjjg wrote:

Yeah that's pretty much exactly what I'm going through. Crazy! I think I'm going to give it a shot for awhile before I rush into anything. I won't be seeing her much though, not for the next 2 weeks anyway, which could also be a root of the problem. But it's hard to make time when both of us are working fulltime and not living together.

I think it happens a good bit you OUTGROW the relationship or something like that distance can really make u realise what u do and dont want though when ur not with her all the time ul have time and space to figure out what u really want!

Good Luck its not gonna be easy *HUGS n KISSES*

LegacyUser

I just thought I'd update people on the situation. We broke up yesterday. She felt the same way as I did. It was still pretty emotional, and one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. She still wants to be friends which is fantastic, because I don't know what I'd do without her. Cheers for the advice and trawling through my post guys and gals.

Shabadu

I hope the two of you can stay friends. Good luck, and enjoy being single.