Complicated relationship

LegacyUser

Ok so this one is very complicated so I'll have to start from the start. I've been going out with my girlfriend for 2 1/2 years we've been engages for just over a year now. We just had a baby 7 weeks ago and I love her so much.

The problems:

Over the last few years my girlfriend has lied to me over major things telling me things like "My passport has expired so I've applied for a new one" but when she needed her passport for something I then found out that she'd never done it. We also tried to apply gor counsel housing which she was meant to go in and bring in the paperwork when I asked her for the reference numbers I got a host of excuses but eventually I found out that it had never been done. There ar alot more of these but this still isn't the major issue. We talked about it and she doesn't mean to lie to me so much and I believe her I have forgiven her for it and she promises that it won't happen again she has proven over the last few weeks that she hasn't lied to me in a long time and that I'm glad of. First question has anyone else ever been in a situation like this?
Then there is a problme with sex yeah i know we have a baby and all but thats not from having sex too much. I'm lucky if we have sex once every 3 weeks or so and since she got pregnant we havent had sex in months I think its about 7 months now. Is this normal? I want sex all the time. When we started going out we had sex 5 times a week at least and some of those were 3 times a night now she doesn't seem interested she says she loves me and still thinks I'm sexy but doesn't want to have sex. Has anyone else ever experienced this or any suggestions?
Now the big one over the last few months I have been getting very close to a collegue at work and we've been sending sexy e-mails back and forth and eventually we ended up in bed last week with each other. I do have feelings for her too but I think it may just be more a side effect of everything else. She also has a boyfriend but I just don't know what to do can anyone offer advice on this whole mess I'm in please?

Beruthiel

I cannot address the issue with lies as I have never had that problem
however..

guestguy wrote:

Then there is a problme with sex yeah i know we have a baby and all but thats not from having sex too much. I'm lucky if we have sex once every 3 weeks or so and since she got pregnant we havent had sex in months I think its about 7 months now. Is this normal?

this is quite normal if not annoying for the partner, I'm sure she probably could have made an effort for you but it's not my place to say that.
what I do have a major problem is this comment:


I want sex all the time. When we started going out we had sex 5 times a week at least and some of those were 3 times a night now she doesn't seem interested

your girlfriend had your baby 7 weeks ago, do you have any idea what that has done to her mentally and physically?! give her a break!
I imagine she is exhausted not to mention still sore from the experience.
Did she have an easy birth? Mine was so bad I could not sit down for 3 months, an extreem case I'm sure but that's life when you start a family!
How much help have you been giving her? have you sorted a babysitter for a weekend and taken her away anywhere to rekindle your relationship?
Instead of hopping into someone elses bed you should be trying to sort out what you have for the sake of your family.
Sit down with your g/f and discuss the whole thing asap

Oryx

Female point of view...
Pregnancy can play havoc with your sex drive. For some it goes through the roof, for others, it dissapears!
7 weeks after having a baby your gf probably is still sore, exhausted, flabby and not feeling very sexy. Give her time, help and plenty of compliments. Let her know you still think shes beautiful.
Leave the girl in work alone, you are both using each other as a quick fix for what you are not getting at home. Sort out your relationship. If you cant, at least be decent and stop messing about, get out first.
If your girlfriend fibs, perhaps she finds paperwork and legal stuff headwrecking, but cant bring herself to tell you in case you think less of her. Maybe cos your very good at that kind of thing. Reassure her you wont go berserk if things like that dont get done, and help her if she finds it hard to handle. Im sure shes brill in other ways.
Good luck to you both and your baby.

BizzyC

Talk to your gf about everything you've mentioned here, everything.

If your not man enought to admit cheating on her, you dont deserve that family.

Sifo

granted sex is very important, but there has got to be more to it, you really shouldve went to see someone together, although i wouldnt advise it now, as the first thing you will be asked to do is be completely honest to one another, and if you do that she might leave you..

try being more sensitive to her feelings, and put in a bit more effort, poking her in the back whilst in bed might not get her goin... revive the passion!!!

LegacyUser

I realise that the relationship with the girl in work is a big mistake and I do love her. When we're together I find things great but I just want to feel wanted and that she doesn't make me feel anymore. I help all the time with the baby and try and get her to go out with friends. We unfortunatly haven't got any babysitters which we can call upon to mind the baby so its very hard to get some time alone. She says that she isn't sore or in any pain anymore after giving birth but I don't think she's telling me the whole truth. I think the issue with the lies is that she doesn't want to disappoint me but I just don't know for sure. When I talk to her about these things she says I'm sorry and I'll try to give you more attention but things just carry on exactly the same. I wish there was some way of showing her how much I love her without spending much money because with baby we don't really have much. Any suggestions??

koneko

Man, you cheated on the girl you're living with and claim to love, and she gave birth to your baby only 7 weeks ago? That is very low.

I'd suggest couples therapy. There are way too many issues in this relationship for some advice on an online bulletin board to sort out. A therapist can help you both work through your problems. At the very least, talk to her.

Talliesin

guestguy wrote:

Over the last few years my girlfriend has lied to me over major things telling me things like "My passport has expired so I've applied for a new one" but when she needed her passport for something I then found out that she'd never done it. We also tried to apply gor counsel housing which she was meant to go in and bring in the paperwork when I asked her for the reference numbers I got a host of excuses but eventually I found out that it had never been done.

That isn't just a lie, that is failing to do an important simple, albeit rather bothersome, task and then covering up that she failed to do it. Have you talked about the actual failure to get the tasks done? Does she feel any anxiety about doing them?

Shabadu

DO NOT tell her you cheated- it would serve no purpose but to relieve your guilty mind and make her feel awful. I have had enough of a problem with going out with cheaters/ being a cheater* to know that if you're sure you'll never cheat on them again it's better to live with the guilt in silence.

Talk to her. Help her with the tasks that she may find intimidating. Spend time reassuring her and giving her loads of cuddles. Her libido will come back, but the more pressure she feels she's under, the less she'll want it.

Enjoy your new baby, and stay away from the other woman. Seriously.

Beruthiel

guestguy wrote:

We unfortunatly haven't got any babysitters which we can call upon to mind the baby so its very hard to get some time alone.

are there no grandparents at all? siblings?

She says that she isn't sore or in any pain anymore after giving birth but I don't think she's telling me the whole truth

I'd find that one hard to believe myself

I think the issue with the lies is that she doesn't want to disappoint me but I just don't know for sure.

did you ask her?

I wish there was some way of showing her how much I love her without spending much money because with baby we don't really have much. Any suggestions??

bend over backwards to help with the baby, let her sleep a couple of nights and you get up to feed the baby. Make the bottles, wash some clothes, look around you and see what needs to be done, she will be thrilled and it will help.

Oryx

Bear in mind that she may be feeling a little low, depressed, confused. There have been big changes, she may feel a little out of control - this may not be how she envisaged her life, reality with a baby is not like you imagine it will be. When you are depressed sometimes you simply cannot cope with ordinary things like applications, and it really does affect your sex life. If you cant afford counselling, just get her to talk to the doctor in case it is depression. Otherwise lots of TLC. You sound like you love her, and want this to work out, and I have lots of hope for you both.
No-one finds life with a new baby easy, give yourselves time to adjust.

Shabadu

Beruthiel wrote:

bend over backwards to help with the baby, let her sleep a couple of nights and you get up to feed the baby. Make the bottles, wash some clothes, look around you and see what needs to be done, she will be thrilled and it will help.

^^ Fantastic advice, I came home from work the other day to find the bf had done the dinner dishes when he had gone home for lunch. I almost cried I was so happy.

Don't ask her what needs to be done either, sometimes half the hassle is hassling the person into doing the housework/ instructing them about the washing machine etc. Any little bit you do will be appreciated. Along those lines, remember to thank her when she has made dinner/ done the washing/ironing.

pickarooney

Surely these are all standard household tasks and wouldn't come under the heading of special attention for his partner?
Op, if you're really wondering how to show her you lover her, perhaps it's because you no longer do. You still love the person she was, but not the person she's become or you think she's becoming?

Oryx

pickarooney wrote:

Surely these are all standard household tasks and wouldn't come under the heading of special attention for his partner?

They would to me Sometimes its the simple things that make a difference!

Beruthiel

pickarooney wrote:

Surely these are all standard household tasks and wouldn't come under the heading of special attention for his partner

damn straight
but, that doesn't mean everyone does them

Guesty

I can relate to the lies part of that thread. Any time my bf, mother etc. asks me to do something, I just get lazy and it takes me days, weeks to actually do it. It's kinda hard to explain cause I dont know why i can't just do it when I should do it & then when someone asks if I've done it I say yes even though I haven't and then they get pissed off with me when they find out I haven't done it.

I had a friend who was a compulsive liar, she just lied about everything. I don't think she meant to lie but she was just trying to keep everyone happy, but then it just became too much for a lot of people and everyone started hating her. Some people just try so hard to make everyone happy that they don't realise that by telling the truth that people will be happy.

I think your gf could be under a lot of pressure as well with the baby & maybe she does forget to do it or dosen't have time to do it.

shellby

your gf had a baby 7 weeks ago you stopped having sex in and around the time your hormones really start playing havoc during the pregnancy you didn't even give her a couple of months to recover before jumping into bed with someone else i know you probably miss the physical side of the relationship but your are behaving rather selfishly
give her some time recover and then arrange a weekend away i'm sure there a grand parents or siblings or friends who would understand if you can't afford then put some extra time in at work treat her something nice she deserves it
as for the girl at work all i can advise is that you stay well clear of her and start focusing your time on the relationship you have

Gross Halfwit

She just fired a baby out 7 weeks ago. She probably isnt feeling too sexy at the moment and probably suffering with post natal depression? It was suggested before but take her away for a nice romantic weekend and rekindle the passion you had before.

As far as the lying goes. I dont know why she would lie. Perhaps she wants to please you and says yes she will do a certain task but just cant. There could be underlying problems here that no message board will sort out for you. I suggest counselling.

Now with respect to you cheating. Its a low down dirty thing that you have done and I dont think your GF would benefit from knowing about it. Keep it to yourself. You do not need to stress her out for no good reason. Your a father now so start acting like it. Im sure the girl in work doesnt want to complicate her life by breaking up with her BF and running off with you.

Jus tput all your love and energy into your family.

annR

I think you're probably going through a lot of the normal stuff that couples go through after baby (although I haven't been in the situation).

I hope there's some men out there who can advise you on how to cope with this without cheating. Any advise will probably consist of "Tough it out, be there for her, communicate and do your best". After all you're starting a family, can't you take it seriously and not think about sex and how deprived you are and what a liar she is etc etc. That's the way you started this thread, a big paragraph about her lying, the next paragraph was no sex. You cheating took up 2 sentences at the end. Be fair.