Living Room

the raven

Living Room

Where I was a thousand years ago
Doesn’t matter to you this evening.
The gate’s closed and you’re sitting
Comfortably in an armchair by the fire;
One look from over your raised cup and
I scatter my eyes downward to spot an ember
Jump unguarded onto the carpet.
In a second the room is in flame and
You and I are just carbon
Corpses clogging the burning furniture.



written beginning of may, not great but 'tis alright.
crit welcome.

Le Rack

its graphic and can have numerous levels of meaning, not sure if clogging really fits the last line but tis good

shiv

the raven wrote:

Living Room

Where I was a thousand years ago
Doesn’t matter to you this evening.
The gate’s closed and you’re sitting
Comfortably in an armchair by the fire;
One look from over your raised cup and
I scatter my eyes downward to spot an ember
Jump unguarded onto the carpet.
In a second the room is in flame and
You and I are just carbon
Corpses clogging the burning furniture.



written beginning of may, not great but 'tis alright.
crit welcome.

Crit So what's your definition of "alright" again?

First off, I find your title interesting, not because it's incredibly original or descriptive, but because I don't hear that phrase much over here to describe that particular room. Usually it's "sitting room." hmmm.

Second, I agree with your edit. It flows better.

I think lines 5-7 work best and are most evocative, most telling.
I would replace "in flame" with "aflame."

I agree clogging doesn't really fit the rest of the sentence.
I'm also of two minds as to whether corpses works better on the line before it's actually placed.

Overall, well done. Intriguing subject matter.

the raven

i disagree about changing "in flame" to "aflame". there're already too many "a" sounds in the line and also "aflame" isn't as definite as "in flame" in the sense that "in flame" is more pronounced and aids in better rhythm flow.

"clogging" is a FANTASTIC word!! it's a brute of a word that evokes the scene (IMO) perfectly! it even clogs the line it's in, how's that for poetry??

el_tiddlero

i think raven wins that round....
how about in flames? the s might take away the awkwardness, i found it hard when reading this to get by that part smoothly, something about the line sticks.. i think its the "ame" sound followed by the "an"... or else i just can't read anymore..... i like this piece though, its so short that the unexpected tragedy appears before you even have a chance to realise there's a twist coming... like getting up and realising you didnt even see the punch that floored you... nice work!!

shiv

the raven wrote:

i disagree about changing "in flame" to "aflame". there're already too many "a" sounds in the line and also "aflame" isn't as definite as "in flame" in the sense that "in flame" is more pronounced and aids in better rhythm flow.

"clogging" is a FANTASTIC word!! it's a brute of a word that evokes the scene (IMO) perfectly! it even clogs the line it's in, how's that for poetry??

I didn't realize we were going rounds, but I stand by "aflame"
I think if you switched the beginning of the sentence to "In seconds the room was aflame..." it would work much better with the subsequent line rhythm-wise. "Aflame" is very definite for me, "in flame" sounds a bit awkward.
As for "clogging" and it clogging the line it's in, if that's your aim, you've more than succeeded you've made what was a fairly flowing piece stumble at the last minute, when you last want your reader to run into difficulty, given it's the last impression of the piece they'll have. Dare I say it's clunky even?

the raven

shiv wrote:

I think if you switched the beginning of the sentence to "In seconds the room was aflame..."

ach, no... you can't change the tense in a piece like this, it would change the mood of it completely. the very idea that's its at the present time is a huge portion of it.
but perhaps you are right in that the line isn't as fluid as it could be...

i think you might have the right idea tiddlero, 'bout the "ame" and "an" sounds, but the jury's still in deliberation...

i don't think i'll get back to this poem and change it tho, unless i'm struck by some mad urge some strange day...

cheers all for the replies anyway.