Cocooned thoughts

ctrl-alt-delete

Cocooned thoughts

Barefooted beauty and holding hands
Walking together along golden sands,
Deep blue sea and sky with air so clean & clear,
She whispers her words of wisdom through my ears,

The sea as deep and blue as my feelings for her,
White clouds float by like lovers scattered dreams,
This here is the beauty that’s more invigorating than it seems,
Vitalizing and refreshed by breeze my spirit stands before her.

She’s leaving her footsteps as she walks through the sands,
It’s the path that leads before her she always understands,
Her lips as sweet as the tide that turns with the moons,
Her hugs so close like life’s cradle of cocoons


once again any comments good or bad much appreciated, thanks for reading

the raven

how about not saying exactly "as deep as my feelings for her." that there is a bit corny... the opening stanza as well is a bit corny, it may be an intro or whatever but it shouldn't be as prosaic.

"lovers' scattered dreams" is alright, but the stanza it's in, nothing connects between each of the lines.

i was gonna skip commenting on the rhyming scheme... i always say; screw working with rhyme 'til you've got the poetry thing down (a bit anyway).
(repeating myself - ) crawl before walking.

another thing, the image you finish with is a tad, well, silly. it's not a definite end to the poem and ending with a hug... yeesh.

it's a really disjointed poem that doesn't say enough about either character; the reader can't express an interest in them as they don't know much about them.

you could discard the charcters altogether and let the scenery represent them or you could let both or either character describe only the scenery and through that the reader, as well as the opposing character, would understand the feelings the narrator feels... or you could incorporate any other idea that seems different and interesting to you; i say this because if you approach the subject in an unusual way it would make it that more interesting to read. as it is it's a wonderful piece of personal generic love poetry that we'll all forget in a minute. (not sarcasm )

good work anyway, keep it up.

raven

Plastic Scouser

ctrl-alt-delete wrote:

Barefooted beauty and holding hands

This doesn't sound quite right to me, and in my humble opinion it's really important that the first line is perfect. I think the 'and' is a bit odd! Are you trying to say that the 'barefooted beauty' and the author are holding hands as this doesn't come across too well? (Again, just my humble opinion!)

ctrl-alt-delete wrote:

She whispers her words of wisdom through my ears

Again, the 'through' sounds a bit strange and kind of made me laugh...like the 'beauty' is talking but her words are going in one ear and out the other! Was this the intention?

ctrl-alt-delete wrote:

It’s the path that leads before her she always understands

I'm not sure what this line is trying to tell the reader, as there don't seem to be any more clues in the rest of the poem, and the line doesn't really seem to link to anything else..i.e. any other clues about why 'she' always understands where she's going and what this means for the author!

In general I found it a little bit muddled and a little bit difficult to read. Again, these are just my opinions though...and I do really like that it's an uplifting poem about a nice subject!

[P.S. I'm not sure about the word 'barefooted'...I just don't like the sound of it (only a personal opinon!)...couldn't you just use 'barefoot', or maybe it's important for the rhythm of the line?!]

Le Rack

Your feelings for her are "blue"? Blue when regarding feelings generally means sadness, depression, heartache. You've got lot of little words here and there that dont really work in my opinion, if I had been writing it it would have been more to this effect

Barefooted beauty, holding hands
Walking together along golden sands,
Deep blue sea, sky air, clean & clear,
She whispers, words of wisdom for my ears,

The sea as deep and endless as my feelings for her,
White clouds float, as lovers scattered dreams,
This; the beauty, more invigorating than it seems,
Vitalized, refreshed by breeze my spirit before her stands.

Leaving her footsteps as she walks through the sands,
The path before her, she always understands,
Lips as sweet as the tide that turns by the moon,
Hugs so close like life’s cradle of cocoons.

Forget little "filler" words and focus and the words that give it the meaning.
The last line on the second stanza? Your spirit is refreshed an dvitalized by the wind to stand before her? Why would it not be refreshened and vitalized by your loved one if you love her so much?
The last line? A cocoon is warm and safe, granted like a hug, but don't people retreat into cocoons after being hurt? Rather than when in love? Okay in your loved ones hug you may never want to leave that feeling of safety and security but I'm not sure cocoon works too well there.
You haven't got any striking imagery that stays in the readers mind, striking vivid images really make a poem.
Sorry for kinda ripping it apart but you asked for comments and that.

the raven

no offense LeRack but i think it's a bit presumptious, arrogant and insulting to change someone's written work, to how you "would've written it". you're not the first to do it either but in my mind there are better ways of making constructive criticism. the way you've done it can be construed that the writer is "wrong"; "wrongness" of course in these cases is an impossibility as right and wrong are entirely inapplicable.
in my opinion criticism should be an involved, objective approach; to criticise saying how you would've written is to impose your subjectivity on the writer which is an insulting endeavour.

anyway. good work giving a stab at in-depth criticism, keep it up.

ctrl-alt-delete

"blue" related to sexual feelings, maybe we were retreating into a cocoon and hiding as a pair,

anyway thanks for those who have critisised although it wont change this piece i will keep your opinions in mind for when i write again, thanks

Le Rack

i didn't mean it for him to change it or anything like that but I couldn't put into words the way I wanted so mneh.

Le Rack

I feel really stupid right about now! but how are sexual feelings blue?

no offence in anything btw

ctrl-alt-delete

no offence taken, dont know if the words "blue movie" mean anything to you

shiv

I find myself actually agreeing with the raven in nearly all suggestions offered.
Personally I have to force myself to read through poems that rhyme, as generally it's an exercise in awkwardness and forced wordplay.
It might be an idea to write a short prose piece about your feelings or thoughts instead of thinking it needs to conform to some sort of traditional poem structure.
How do people feel about internal rhyming in poetry?

Le Rack

ah yes blue movies, quite an embaressing incident with those in school one day, nevermind....!

Internal rhyme works brilliantly a lot of the time and sometimes not so well, I'm finding myself using it more than standard rhyme now, it just give a nicer feel rather than the "I see the sea and the sea sees me" sort of thing, okay fine that has internal rhyme too but you know what I mean!