Trust

MissT

Well, where to start basically I broke up with my boyfriend just over a month ago. He was the perfect bouyfriend in every way, as far as I was concerned he was the one, I am 28 not naieve and have been around the block. He was the driving force in our relationship in terms of taking it forward he was always the one to discuss marriage, children etc. We were a very together couple and did everything together to the outside world it was the perfect relationship and for me on the inside it also was. And then comes the biggest shock of my life. I lent him a phone he returned it, I put my Sim card in and he obviously didnt realise messages are stored on the phone there were a serious of explicit text messages from several girls. I contacted these girls 2 in paritvular he had been seeing the entire time we were together. They are nice normal girls who I have formed in a weird way a friendship with. My first question to them was when did he see them, looking back I wish I hadnt asked, they gave me times and dates. One girl he used to meet every Wed as I had sports training on a Wed. The other girl he used to meet in his apt at lunchtime for sex and meet her in the clinic(he is a health professional) where he works in the evenings for sex, when I thought he was working late, he would then come home to me look me in the eye tell me he loved me and spend the evening with me. Not only did he betray me but he deceivved my whole family. He was treated like a member of the family and went to all family functions dinners etc. When I found out I thought I would not cope, I did but I dont know ohw I will ever trust anyone again. I never doubted him for a moment as I said we spent so much time together holidays everything I cannot stress how perfact out relationship was, or so I thought. I am now plaugues with thinking about all the times he was with those girls then coming hime to me never flinching never catching himself out. How do I ever trust my judgement again and how do I trust anyone. I loevd him and cared for him with all my heart and he used me in the most horrific way imaginable.
I just dont know how to move on or how to cope with it. The level of decit is just incomprehendable.

stagolee

wow, excuse my laguage but that guy sounds like an absolute arsehole with no morals. you might not believe me when i tell you this but most folks arent like that. i hope the next guy you get together with is a decent honest and good person. dont give up anyhow , sounds like you've about had your full share of bad treatment all in one relationship.

dudara

I've experience of a similar situation and it hurt so much. There is an absolute feeling of betrayal and emptiness. It's to be expected, because when you love someone with your whole heart, and you trust them implicitly, you're letting them in.

All I can say is that you know you treated this relationship right. You (hopefully) weren't a contributing factor to his shoddy behaviour. Take the moral high ground in this one, and have faith in yourself. I've realised lately that people who act like scum will be eventually found out.

Hold it together girl. It will get better

Santa Claus

Really sorry to hear about that. The guy was a dick but thankfully most people aren't like that.

I had a similar situation with an ex of mine who I'd been with for 3 years, only to find out that she had cheated on me for most of the final year.
I spent a few months after the break up beating myself up about it, going over everything in my mind to see what "tell-tale signs" I had missed (we'd been living together so you can imagine how much of a prat I felt when it all came out), but there were no tell tale signs, sadly she was just a really good liar.

What really hurt me was that like your boyfriend she was the one who wanted the kids the house etc...when all the time she was lying to my face.

It hurts and will to continue to, and you'll find it hard to trust people but gradually your faith/trust in the majority of humanity will be restored.


I hate to bring this up, but I take it you've had yourself tested if he was sleeping around while with you !

Beruthiel

MissT wrote:

How do I ever trust my judgement again and how do I trust anyone. I loevd him and cared for him with all my heart and he used me in the most horrific way imaginable.
I just dont know how to move on or how to cope with it. The level of decit is just incomprehendable.

give yourself time
also
though I know it's easier said than done, you just have to keep reminding yourself that not every bloke is like this and you cannot judge them by the way he acted, it would not be fair to them or yourself.
the same for trusting your judgement, that will come back in time, he obviously was very good and hiding everything from you so don't beat yourself up about it.

tinkerbell

He was a total ass to you, you shouldn't be blaming yourself and bringing yourself down by saying you have bad judgement. You do not have bad judgement, he was just a damn good liar.

Like you said, he had it all worked out - he'd play away on the evenings you had things on. He sounds very manipulative, while then talking about kids, marriage, etc. He was totally horrible to you, and you shouldn't be blaming yourself for trusting him. You're human, you thought everything was okay. He gave you no reason to think otherwise because he was such a good liar.

Time does heal, and there are plenty of great guys out there. You're better off without a stupid ass like him anyway.

MissT

Thanks for the replies, it does help to know other people have been through similar things. The worst thing is that it feels like there are no repurcussions for his actions. But I guess I just have to get on with it and hopefully some day it wont hurt as much! Thanks again.

gubby

sadly I believe there are repurcussions for him.. I am sure you will be glad to know that. Think about it!! He has lost you. probably the only woman who truely loved him. I guess i am alone is saying this but from what you said I think that maybe he is not a total asshole as people have said. I believe that sex and love are totally diffirent things. I am sure he loved you and probably still does. He has hurt you badly. that is his punishment.

TerrorFirmer

Don't let future relationships be tainted.

He was an exception - there ARE sadly men like him, but they are in the definate minority. I feel for you, thinking about how he had the balls to come home to someone he claimed he loved, whilst all the time systematically cheating on you at planned intervals.

We are not all like that, believe me. This guy is obviously born with it - the level of planning and number of entanglements certainly does not suggest he was just a normal guy who got bored of his current relationship. Chances are he was at it long before he met you.

He'll move on, find someone else to choose as his main prize and roam elsewhere for his pleasure.

Sorry for you, but at least I can say, its happened to me before, and as well as the fact that you will find someone genuine, what goes around, comes around, and he will someday take his playing too far.

Best of luck.

Citizen Jake

Sounds like he's an underhand arsehole with conscience, morals whatsoever. He wanted his cake and then some. Steer clear, no matter how much you miss what seemed like the good times - they weren't good times. You were being deceived, cheated on, whatever. You deserve better and the advice that you should never let this experience taint future relationships is good advice. By the way, if you ever get an opportunity, key his car - scraaaaaaaaaaaaatchh - and watch him blub like a baby. As an earlier poster said, guys like that are in the minority. If I cheated on my girlfriend - and there had been opportunities - I'm not sure I could live with the guilt. The way he went about it was like some kind of bloody timetable. What did those other girls - don't befriend them, that's kind of sick - think of the whole episode, were they aware of you at any time in this?

nobodythere

This stuff takes a LONG, painful time to get over. Make sure you have somebody to talk to about it. I know you may feel embarrassment over it but you have done absolutely nothing wrong (in a similar way that a rape victim feels ashamed). Chances are you will never trust this guy again, ever ever ever. So whatever you do don't get back with him, because as someone who has been in that situation, they just become a ghost of what they were. No matter how much you try to deny it.

Victor

You might want to get an appointment in an STI clinic.

Chinafoot

gubby wrote:

I think that maybe he is not a total asshole as people have said. I believe that sex and love are totally diffirent things. I am sure he loved you and probably still does. He has hurt you badly. that is his punishment.

have to disagree here. if he truly loved her he would never have hurt her like that. i believe that everyone can make mistakes but what this guy did was so unbelievably calculated that theres no way he could have really loved the OP.
he had multiple partners meticulously lined up and he lied to her face. thats not love.

also i dont think that hurting her is "punishment" for him. he clearly didnt consider her feelings while he was having it away with these other girls, so why would he care about how he broke her heart??

to the OP: situations like this always hurt so much and they do take a lot of time to get over. you wont want to trust any man ever again and who could blame you. but dont lose all faith in the opposite sex! there are some good ones out there, i promise you

the next few months will be unbelievably hard but it will get easier and you will eventually be able to move on and find happiness. i know how much it hurts and i know how all the advice being given on this thread is probably meaningless right now. good luck with everything and remember that you deserve better.

Stabshauptmann

I love the way you're so pragmatic.

MissT, though this might not be what you want or need to hear, you cant trust most people. Even good natured and intentioned people make mistakes, and those who are good at heart try the hardest to hide these mistakes out of shame.

This guy on the other hand was a totall bollocks. Reminds me of the con artist in england that was in court recently (not sure why the circumstances are totally different). Maybe this was just a fantasy he had like some married guy who goes on a holliday once a year to do some S&M but cant tell his wife cos hes ashamed. I dunno tbh.

Its not right what happened and I dont know enough to make and judgements (even though I dont believe one should ever juge others). I want to give advice, I dont know why but its the mood Im in:

When you trust someone completely they will either totally abuse that trust or be totally faithful. I dont think theres any grey and it depends entirely on the quality of said person.

What I suggest you do is not be overly trusting (yes I am a cynical person at heart) in future but not dwell on this experience. Nothiing this bad will ever happen to you again (premeditated and regular cheating - ppl arent that low) but perfect honesty is rare enough.