Boyfriend so confused

LegacyUser

Hi,
I was seeing this guy for three months and things were brilliant. I think we maybe rushed things but going away together a lot and commiting very early in the relationship. It was both of ours first real realtionship. He would go quite cold some of the time and say that he was scared as he was with someone he loved (me) and was scared about the future. (ie scared of commitment I presume) I would tell him that I wasn't asking for him to commit or anything but he still kept getting sacred and would blow hot and cold with me. He ended up breaking up with me (we had been talking about it for a while) but then two days later, he said he had missed me so much etc etc so after much conversing on the phone, I decided to give it another go. There was always pressure on the relationship as he was going away for the summer and it was forever looming. When we got back together, it was two days beofre he was going away for the summer. I have said (repeatedly) would it not be better if we split for the summer and see how things go when he gets back but he wasn't keen. Kind of either all or nothing.
Anyway, he headed away for the summer (to Galway and I'm in Dublin) and rang me two days after leaving to break up with me again. As you can imagine, I was super pissed with him but he texted after a couple of days asking if we could be friends. I said ok as I didn't see the point in fighting. That was two weeks ago. The night before last, I got a load of messages and missed calls from him (presumably drunk) saying how he missed me, life was crap without me etc etc and that he was coming back to Dublin and wanted to be with me. I told him to feck off but after a lenghtly phone conversation last night, I agreed on us being JUST friends and seeing how things go from there but that it'd be a really long time before anything else happens.

Am I am idiot? What is going on in his mind? Why is he so confused??? Please explain people!

WhiteWashMan

the fella is not sure what he wants.

he wants the security, the companionship and the fun of being in a relationship.
but he also wants to be away, to do his thing, to go out, to not have any ties, and all the things of being single.

he is coming back to you not because you are the love of his life, but becuase youare comfortable to be with. you offer him a relationship, where he gets nice things, until such time as he feels like being single. it is not you he is after, it is the familiarity of the relationship.

he has a lot of growning up to do. as i guess do you. my advice would be to tell him to go away, grow up, and go out and enjoy being single. if you find someone else, then dont feel bad about it. you need to be selfish. you cant live your life worrying about someone who is going througha maturing process (and we all go through it, each of us).

go out an enjoy yourself, and stop worrying about this fella in galway. besides, it was probably the one night he wasnt shagging some chick and got drunk and eended up home alone.

LundiMardi

EmilyOR wrote:

Am I am idiot?

Pretty much.

Just get rid of him, he's more hassle than he's worth.

Beruthiel

perhaps giving your age might help with the responses?
I say that cos it sounds like teenage behaviour

LegacyUser

Thanks for your replies. To answer your question, I am 21 he is 20. I know it may seem a bit naive but I doubt he wants to come back as he wants to be single etc. He said that was why he broke up because he imagined the magical single life etc etc but when he went out, he thought it was all crap, meant nothing etc.
Here is my plan so far, I'd love your opinions on it;
I was thinking of just hanging out with him as friends to decipher if I can trust him or not. I think it would work much better without the pressure of a relationship hanging over our heads. Just see how things go. I know it may sound stupid but I really think we had something special as when it was good, it was so good and I think it'd be a shame to throw it away so quickly (even if that is what HE did!)

WhiteWashMan

it wont work.

you are trying to hang on to him for some reason. he is more interested in being single.
being single and still not shagging anyone else, is not much of compromise to be honest.

stop trying to hang onto the past and get on with your life.

LegacyUser

I think that you know if something is worth it or not. Have you ever known instinctly to give something a go? In the past, I've told guys to sling their hook for reasons far smaller than this but I really feel I should give this a chance.......... Do u not think giving him the chance to be friends is a good idea? Maybe he's not a complete **** (which he says he is) and maybe he is just young and confused and should be given a chance?

Beruthiel

I totally agree with what wwm has said above.
if you continue to see him, all you will do is prolong the pain
your time on this planet is too short for that, go out with your friends and live life to the full.

LegacyUser

I plan on doing that! But do u all think it's a bad idea to be friends with him? I mean just hang out and absolutely nothing else for a long time?

Beruthiel

EmilyOR wrote:

I plan on doing that! But do u all think it's a bad idea to be friends with him? I mean just hang out and absolutely nothing else for a long time?

if you still have feelings for him, I don't see how that is possible or healthy

Nevyn

I doubt you could with how you feel about him you could just be setting yourself up for a lot of heartache; and if he knows how you feel you dont want to be having those oh gods not again sessions after you were out drinking as friends and got far to friendly.

ADUB?

I agree with Beruthiel and WhiteWashMan,
It wont work and will only bring you pain
But you dont seem to want to listen to Beruthiel, WhiteWashMan or me!
That said, Good luck I think you'll need it.

WhiteWashMan

EmilyOR wrote:

I plan on doing that! But do u all think it's a bad idea to be friends with him? I mean just hang out and absolutely nothing else for a long time?

listen, youve made up your own mind already, and you just want us to give you the go ahead to do it.

so go ahead. i hope it works for you, i really do, but i do know that me and ruthie (especially ruthie:)) have been around the block a few times and we have a fairly good record at understanding the situation.

we may be wrong, and i hope we are.

let us know how loing you last until one of you wants to start the kissing and then wants to go back to being single the next day.

DawnMc

Girl,
My advice to you would be to see how you get on as friends and take it from there. You'll only be ifing and butting forever more if you don't

Sleepy

Leave it a couple of months and then see about friends. Right now is too soon.