Cheating Dad

LegacyUser

Ok my head is in such a mess at the mo, and I'm just hoping someone can give me some advice which might help. Ok..., well it all started just over a year ago when I borrowed my dad's mobile to send a msg, when I came across texts from another woman.

It was pretty evident from these msgs that he was having an affair. I couldn't believe what I had just seen and was actually physically sick from the shock. I just couldn't believe my own dad, someone I had so much respect for, was cheating on my mum. I couldn't make any sense out of it.

Anyway, somehow I managed to keep quite about it for months, though it became quite hard to keep it in when I was fighting with him, I just wanted to scream it out and uncover his horrible secret, but I managed to restrain myself coz I didn't want to hurt my mum. I ended up turning to self harm as a way of dealing with my messed up emotions.

Well. A few weeks ago it all came out and he was caught. It happened right in the middle of my exams which were already stressful enough. He moved out for a while, but kept ringing and calling and eventually my mum took him back, and they went for marriage counselling.

Everyone keeps telling me "oh well done, you coped with this so well, etc etc blah blah blah". But the thing is, I amn't coping. I HATE my dad for what he's done, all the sh*t he's put us through, and I hate the way my mum won't stand up for herself, and just takes him back.

My dad is presuming everythings ok between the two of us now, but I cant even stand being near him. I talk to him as little as possible, and try not to be in the same room as him. If he even brushes off me I shudder.

I can't talk to anyone about this, as my boyfriend & mates know nothing about it, only my family (extended not immediate). But I feel so isolated from my family, they don't know how I feel, or that I knew for months in advance about the affair.

Sometimes I feel like I'm going to explode sometimes. I don't know how to deal with this and I can't talk to my parents. Any suggestions????

LundiMardi

I think you should most definitely confide in your bf at least(how long have you been together?). He will be able to console you A LOT more than anyone here could.

After that, you should probably tell your parents how you feel, and how you feel about them. That's where the problem lies so you will have to talk to them sooner or later. But for now, i would suggest you turn to your bf or your closest friends/sister/bro.

Beruthiel

Mimi 0909 wrote:

My dad is presuming everythings ok between the two of us now, but I cant even stand being near him

my suggestion would be to talk to him and tell him how you feel, tell him everything
he needs to know and you need to get it off your chest
I'm not saying that is an easy thing to do, but for both your sakes you should do it
despite what your father has done, he loves you and only wants the best for you, try to remember that
he's only human and we all make mistakes
self harming does not help and you need to get that sorted, tell your parents you need to talk to a professional to help you get over this very difficult time.

IANOC

firstly how strong/brave of you to try and keep this from your mother in the first place , to stop any pain etc
but now the damage is all done and i understand how you feel about your father but you must remember what makes your mum happy
and it seems this is what she wants
we all make mistakes and sometimes others get caught up in those mistakes
but you should at least speak to your father and mum to try to resolve this or at least find out if your dad regrets his mistakes.
talking helps
all the best

LundiMardi

How old are you?

DAEDULUS

I got goosebumps after reading that
Dont think I could control myself in your situation..

LegacyUser

LundiMardi wrote:

How old are you?

Im 16

Sleepy

Mimi0909, I went through something a little similar when I was a few years older than you so I have some idea how you feel at the moment. Try to remember, you're Dad is just human. Like the rest of us he makes mistakes and bad decisions. He's still the same guy that you thought was super-dad when you were 5, you're just older now and can see his faults as well as his good traits.

Whatever you do, stop the self-harm. It doesn't fix anything. It doesn't help and if you read a bit lower down on this board, there was a girl posting about the repercussions of her own self-harm years after the event.

If you've been with your boyfriend for a good while (a few months or so) I'd recommend talking to him about it. If it's a more typical sixteen year old relationship where you're only together a couple of weeks I couldn't advise it tbh. I'm sure there's at least one of your friends you can trust to keep stuff to him/herself and that's the person you should open up to about this. Believe me, it'll help to get it all off your chest. If you honestly can't think of anyone you can trust to talk about this with, give the Samaritans a call, or if you can't face that, keep posting here. There'll probably be some smartasses who'll just tell you to deal with it or whatever but as you've seen already, there are also those like Beruthiel and IANOC who'll lend a sympathetic eye to your posts.

Chin up, life can be crap at times but there's very little we can't over in life.

airetam_storm

If you've got one best friend in particular you could share it with her\him. But the best option would be to tell your father exactly how you feel and dont leave anything out as you need to tell him all in one go so he can see how much he has hurt you.

Your mother seems like a very forgiving person and if worst comes to worst you could tell her everything and she would be more than happy tohelp i'm sure

fade2black

This won't be the most popular advice but I think, somewhere amongst all that you should remember that he's still your dad. There may come a time in a few years when you'll be sitting in a strange bedroom after doing something you never thought it was possible for you to do, cheat on your partner. It's possible that at that moment you will feel, if only for a second, what your father went through. I'm not excusing the act, not for a second, but by staying with your mother, he obviously didnt want to hurt her by leaving her, yet probably got deeper and deeper with the other women faster than he expected.

Ok, all that may seem like crap and it's right and natural that you wil side with your mother but I don't think you should go too far down the hating road with your Dad because you may regret it later. He's as human as you and your boyfriend at the end of the day.

shellby

you need to talk to someone whether it be your bf your parents or a professional (imo i think irregardless of who you talk to you should deffinitely speak to a professional about the self-harming thing)
your mother isn't being weak obviously your parents still love each other and have decided to fight for thier relationship it will probably be one of the most difficult times of their life do your best to see them not as your parents but as human beings
i hope it all works out for you the best of luck

LegacyUser

Sleepy wrote:

If you've been with your boyfriend for a good while (a few months or so) I'd recommend talking to him about it. If it's a more typical sixteen year old relationship where you're only together a couple of weeks I couldn't advise it tbh.

We've been together for over a year. I didn't talk to any of my friends or bf cos it happened during the exams and they had enough on their minds, and I'd just feel, i dunno, stupid or something, bringing it up weeks later. Its hard to explain if ya get me.

LegacyUser

airetam_storm wrote:

But the best option would be to tell your father exactly how you feel and dont leave anything out as you need to tell him all in one go so he can see how much he has hurt you.

Your mother seems like a very forgiving person and if worst comes to worst you could tell her everything and she would be more than happy tohelp i'm sure

Its not that easy. My dad suffers from depression, so somehow I think coming out and telling him I hate him wouldn't help.

I can't speak to my mam about the self harm, she's struggling enough to hold it together herself without worrying about me and all.

Beruthiel

Mimi 0909 wrote:

Its not that easy. My dad suffers from depression, so somehow I think coming out and telling him I hate him wouldn't help.

I can't speak to my mam about the self harm, she's struggling enough to hold it together herself without worrying about me and all.

speaking as a mother of a daughter who is around your own age, I can tell you now, it does not make any difference what I may or may not be going through personally, I still would want my daughter to confide in me if she needed to - that's what I'm there for and I would be very upset if I thought she couldn't or wouldn't for whatever reason.
you do not have to tell your father that you hate him, tell him you are very hurt, upset and disappointed in his behaviour and that you cannot get your head around what has happened.
again, I can only stress how important it is that you talk to them.

The Clown Man

I had something like this happen to me a few years back.

I found a condom in a suit I borrowed from my dad. My mother has had a hysterectomy.

I kept it in for ages mainly because I wanted to protect my brother and sisters from anything that might happen and every time i got in a small argument I was close to ripping his head off.

Anyway, I was mainly mad at him for putting the whole families happiness at risk. I understood that there probably comes a time in a 25 year marriage where you look back on your life and wonder if you have made the right decisions etc and I'm sure your mind will do some mental things for you. I suppose the lesson I have taken from it has made me determined to never be in a situation that I have to look back and regret anything.

Of course, this makes keeping a relationship hard. I have been through a string of 2-3 month relationships until I get to the stage where I just break up at the slightest of whims. My friends think it is hilarious. My ex's are usually devestated cause not much seems wrong. And I just can't stay with a person if I'm not sure I am going to be 100% happy with them all my life.

Anyway, back to the issue, I came in one night drunk a couple of years ago and decided, as you do with loads of guinness, that right there and then was the best place to confront my dad. So I did. My parents were asleep in bed and I woke them. After loads of me being very loud my dad jumped up to confront me and, basically, I leveled him.

What made me know that the night was a success was that my mother went straight to him and, even after sitting listening to the exchange with a horrified look, kicked me out of the house.

That is the happy ending because they sorted it out between them. Whereas before they were at each others throats, now my dad does everything he can for her. And, although she knows and you can sometimes see she remembers, she has made peace with him.

The family knows nothing, the folks are back loving each other, and I can't keep a girlfriend.

Anyway, point of the story is that you have to understand that you have no idea what it is like to be 20 years married. Neither do I but I can see that it is probably not all a bunch of roses and stuff usually happens from time to time that challenges the relationship.

If it is still going then you know it is worth it.

jimbling

The Clown Man wrote:

And I just can't stay with a person if I'm not sure I am going to be 100% happy with them all my life.

Happiness is a state of mind.... you can't possibly know that you will be happy with this person for the rest of your life.... don't wait for it....

IANOC

Mimi 0909 wrote:

Its not that easy. My dad suffers from depression, so somehow I think coming out and telling him I hate him wouldn't help.

I can't speak to my mam about the self harm, she's struggling enough to hold it together herself without worrying about me and all.

you must speak to both your parents sooner or later im afraid
will not be good for any of you in the long run
you must speak to your father to see if he is sorry or regrets it
he does deserve a second chance , as im sure he did not go out to hurt either you or your mother , unless he is evil.
he may be feeling worse than you are and may be ashamed and depressed that his family are now involved
the best thing you can do is be as honest as possible and find out what your father is willing to do , to make it up to you both
and be totally honest with your mother , no matter how old fashioned yu think she is , shes most likely gone through an awfull lot more than you.
think positive , be positive as life is too short
regards

The Clown Man

Yes, but some people you are just happy with. It just clicks.

I was with a girl for 5 years and I was very happy. We clicked.

Having said that I ended it not because I wasn't happy, just because I didn't want to regret being with someone from a very young age forever and not living at least a part of my life as a single guy. 20 years down the line I would regret. And that would not have been fair for either of us.

I do know when I click with someone though. I just can't seem to find it again.

Souperfreak

Jesus, that is a really tough situation. But everyone is right you have to talk about it and get it out of your head.

You should firstly write about: in a journal or on computer whatever, just to organise your thoughts. This is his mistake and screw-up you shouldn't have to suffer for.

Secondly tell the person you can confide in the most (mom, bf, friend whatever) tell them how you feel. They will help you collect your thoughts for step three.

Thirdly if you didn't tell your mother in step two then you need to sit down and talk to her.

Fourth you will eventually have to confront your father be it today or 3 years from now but it will be necessary in your future personal relationships.

Sometimes people equate silence and acting normal as handling it well. I must say fair play to you for getting through your exams and staying cool. But you need to stop pretending you are not hurt. He needs to know he hurt you and your mom needs to know you support her and feel the way she does as she may have asked him back for you and the wellbeing of your family. TALK TO HER IF YOU TALK TO NO ONE ELSE!


My a**hole of a father (whom I still see regularly) cheated on my mother when she was pregnant with me. Nice guy! =( When I was born my first name came from his f**k on the sides middle name. My mother of course didn't know until I was about 4 but my name was dad's suggestion! Since my mother was desperate to stay with him she let him name me. My parent's divorced when I was about one year old. For the best as well, I had a better life because they didn't stay together.
To this day he point blank refuses that any of the above happened.

But I feel much better having told him I know about it and I think he is an a** for not admitting his faults.

BeardyGit

Mimi, several others have already said that you need to speak with your parents. They're right. And to be honest, you really shouldn't have anything to fear about doing so. I know, it probably doesn't feel that way now but hear me out.

Your parents may be having a tough time themselves at the moment and they'll no doubt have to put in some real work to repair their relationship - It's up to them to take care of their marriage but that's doesn't mean you don't have an important part to play here. In order for them to make real progress, truth will be a key requirement from here out. They will need to address the many problems caused for ALL of you as a result of the mistake your Dad made - YOU included - if they are to stand a chance of putting this behind them for good. Without hearing how you really feel and how much you're hurting right now, they won't be able to take care of everything they need to. You need to speak with both of them so they can fix what's happened based on the whole story.

I'm sure that won't be easy. We've all had to tell our parents something that we would prefer to have kept quiet about - For whatever reason. It's never easy - We don't want them to take on our problems when they have their own, particularly when it may seem like our problem is insignificant when compared with what they may be going through. But here's the catch.....

Whatever problems they may have themselves - They need to know that you trust them to be good parents and always know that they are there for you when you need them. If you keep what's happening with you secret at the moment you're not giving them a chance to work together, as a team, which is something they NEED to do right now. If they can't honestly believe in their ability to be good parents, even your Dad, then they will BOTH feel that they have failed.

I always had problems talking to my Dad when I was a teenager and it's only in recent years that I've found out just how much it really hurt him to think his son couldn't talk to him - That's heartbreaking for a parent and now that I know it, equally as upsetting for me to know I'd been hurting my Dad, just because I wouldn't ask him for help when I needed it. I never knew he was aware of what was going on with me at the time but ask any parent and they'll tell you the same - They ALWAY know - it might take them some time but they know you better than you know yourself. Don't wait for them to figure out what's happening with you themselves - I'm sure Beruthiel would agree here too!

At the moment, you need your parents and they NEED to know that. You'll be giving them a chance to be good parents, something that no doubt is the cornerstone for everything good about their relationship, both past and present. If they find out, even many years from now, that you couldn't turn to them for help you'll add to the hurt in the long-run.

You owe it to yourself and just as importantly to your parents to let them know how you feel. They'll know what's best and help you figure everything out. It will more than likely make them stronger too and you never know, it could help you start to forgive your Dad - at least a little bit ;-)

Hope it all works out for you, your Mam and your Dad. Look after yourself....There are two special people who care very much about you and only want what's best for you.

Gil

Beruthiel

Mimi
I apologise profusely, I think I accidentally deleted your post instead of validating it.

All I can say is I am thrilled that you got the whole thing off your chest and that you are going to see a professional.
You have gotten over the most difficult part and I’m betting you feel a lot better already, best of luck to you and your family, I'm sure the family counselling will help you all.
No need to thank us, we were glad to be even a little help
take care
B