A Poem

pcwares

Depression one waking morning in Glen Terrace with only the wheelie bin and tinny aluminium gate my adoring audience.

I

The Black wheelie bins tilted top. It Cackles once again.

I’m trapsing those back roads in Rosmuc, when…
In the name of the father, his son and holy belt buckle Amen,
His barren dead eyes stretched upon the rack,

Revisit,
Welts upon my youngsters back.

Its harmony,
steely meshed in a gargoyles descending gaze,

Hovering crouched relevations chime,
Kestrallic swoops to “crack” crescendo’s crime.

II

Did you do this to my family name?

“Yes“, lofting, adamant in the truth,
For the first time, the first time in years,
The regurgitated fruit.

Arm raised, the brazened belt brandashed,
His blistered mind strikes out at his created canvass,
Leaving All the purple shades of his faith,
Anchored now in my flowered hate.

pcwares

any opinions?

stevejazzx

Is this about you getting beat by your father?

well here is some feedback

The Black wheelie bins tilted top. - unfinished sentence

why not just

The Black wheelie bins tilted top crackles once again.
crackle is odd adjective for a wheelie bin top btw

I’m trapsing those back roads in Rosmuc, when…
In the name of the father, his son and holy belt buckle Amen,
His barren dead eyes stretched upon the rack, - this parts nice

steely meshed in a gargoyles descending gaze, -mixing tenses for no apparent reason ?

Hovering crouched relevations chime, an intresting line does it mean he was hovering and you were crouched. (tenses again! why for dramactic effect?)

Kestrallic swoops to “crack” crescendo’s crime - i like this sentence

The regurgitated fruit - seems forced

created canvas - is this supposed to be the damaged flesh of your back?
dont imagine this could be described as a canvas from any perspective

anchored now in my flowered hate - nice mix of flowered (something beautiful and pure) with hate (something ugly and impure) and anchored is an excellent adjective here i think

pcwares

Its part of a 5 part series on hidden ireland called the bungalow in the country. Exploring suicide and depression which is plaguing the south east.

pcwares

tenses is exactly that - for dramatic effect - as one tries to get out of the situation (jump in time) while its happening.

Created Canvass - his son who he teached as he goes through the different stages of his life and the son's life. Canvass is that we try and relive ourselves in our childrens lives for the better but it doesnt always turn out that way.

regurgitated fruit - brilliant you thought that - forced cause it is a metamorphis, a realisation on the part of the son that he actully is a man now -being honest in the face of adversity - the corner stone of any greek hero. )

stevejazzx

quote:Its part of a 5 part series on hidden ireland called the bungalow in the country. Exploring suicide and depression which is plaguing the south east.
__________________


jesus so gloomy

you seem like you have a great command of english

shame that your always writing about dark matters

maybe a nice poem about love is in order
its incredibly challenghing to write a good poem about love

pcwares

Could be about a step father or an uncle that looks after someone but was violent.


*******
Amour.
*******

Ill give it a shot and post next week.

pcwares.