My relationship is a mess....

LegacyUser

This might be a load of rambling nonsense so bear with me...

I'm a 24 year old girl. I've been with my boyfriend for 3 and a half years and I love him to bits. However, we are long distance. He's in the UK. We were together for the first 8 months of the relationship, 2 of which we spent living together. Then a year later we spent a summer living together and ever since we have been to and fro-ing.

I've always found it really hard. I felt I was always the one who would say "right, what are we going to do, we need to end the distance thing". But there was always a reason why we couldn't. I feel like it's not me who's getting in the way, but him. There's always something with him: extra year in college to repeat exams; had to get job after; contract ended had to get another; in £9k of debt from student loans etc etc. We both live at home and the way he sees it, he can't move anywhere until he gets his career sorted. Fair enough, that is pretty sensible.

BUT, he is not giving me any kind of commitment that after X amount of time we will do X, move to X etc. Am I making sense? I had always said that I would compromise and move to London, surely we could both get good jobs there and we would be together. But he has always looked for jobs by company and not location if you know what I mean. Therefore he could end up anywhere. I don't think it's fair to do this if you're in a relationship. The way I see it he is trying to get a good job somewhere (good) but if it's in some sh1thole town and I don't want to move there I can either like it or lump it??? (bad). I feel like he's not thinking like he's part of a couple... Plus I've been waiting so long now, I'm not sure that's what I want any more.

For the past few months things have been getting quite bad. We are so great when we're together!! It makes me realise what brought us together in the first place. He is really affectionate, and I love being with him. We've always had quite a fiery relationship as we are both quite stubborn and it can cause ructions. But we usually get through it. But these last few months, as soon as we are back home in our respective cities (countries!) we start falling out. It is literally something else every weekend. We fall out and then don't end up speaking for the whole weekend, whereas I know we would hve it sorted in half an hour if we were together.

As I said, he is really affectionate when we are together (physically I suppose). But he isn't the best at expressing his feelings verbally. This, coupled with the fact that he doesn't 'do' email I find hard. It means that my only contact with him is by phone, where because of his reluctance to talk about things other than day-to-day stuff I don't feel particularly special/loved/wanted etc. (women, I know...;) ) This also means that when we have a weekend together, all the unsaid things come out after a few drinks and cause rows.

We're currently on bad terms, it's so stupid. I rang him on Friday (everything was fine at the time), hadn't spoken to him the day before. We were talking (not much) for about 5 minutes when his parents came home and were in the room. Neither of us like talking when there are other people in the room so usually go to another one. He sat there for another few mins where I was basically getting yes/no answers. He couldn't be bothered getting up to go to another phone even though he knew he was going out the next night and I wouldn't speak to him until Sunday. I realise this sounds petty and stupid (of me) but it really upset me that he just couldn't be arsed. I basically said "right I'm going" and he texted me after saying he'd speak to me Sun cos he didn't like speaking with parents present (he has a phone in his room ffs).

Anyway, I need to stop typing now before I go on all day. Fair play if you've read this far. I don't know why I posted really, I feel a bit lost at sea with the whole situation (not just the last stupid paragraph) to be honest. I'm not sure how I'm supposed to carry on a relationship that has no focus...

I'd be interested to hear un-biased views on the situation. Thanks for reading.

newgrange

Communication is the only thing that will allow a long-distance relationship to last. Daily communication - perhaps it will all be of the inconsequential nonsense variety, but it's communication.

He doesn't 'do' email? If that is his excuse for not using the most readily available (and cheapest if he has it at work) way of communicating with you, I think you need to decide if this is the guy for you.

You are considering moving to another country to be with him, and he won't even 'do' email?? Or move to another room so that he can speak to you??

You need to think if you really want to be in that relationship I think.

LegacyUser

I haven't actually spoken to him since Friday now. He texted yesterday saying he wasn't sure what all this was about but it was ridiculous. So why did I not hear from him Sat and Sun either?? Anyway....

About the email thing, he just started a new job a month ago and says he doesn't want to use his work mail for personal mails (yet). Before that he only had internal email. He sometimes doesn't text til night-time which gets to me. He's very much a face-to-face person. Failing that he'd rather speak on the phone. He hates texting and says if he could get away with it he wouldn't even have a mobile. (Hello??? Long distance relationship...??)

I was starting to think I'm being completely unreasonable about Friday, but because it was a few days ago I kinda feel 'over it'. But I was really put out at the time so maybe I should stick to my guns.

Totally doubting the relationship anyway the last few months, little things like that just serve to send me further under.

bohsboy

That air of "I cant be bothered" drives me up the wall. :mad:

Hard to say, I did the long distance thing myself for three years. Very very tough on both sides but requires a lot of sacrifices and effort to make it work. I think a crisis chat is needed and ask straight out what is going to happen in the future. Live in Ireland? Live in England? Decisions have to be made and a plan formulated for the future.

If he can't commit to a concrete future you have to ask yourself is it worth your while to while away another few years until he decides what he wants.

Tough one.

WhiteWashMan

i did the living in uk bit whil my ex was in ireland.

was only when she moved over that i realised that we were together because were oth lonely and yet afraid to go it alone after a few years.

i broke it off with her 2 weeks fter he moved. i wastd her time and mine becuse i should have realised earlier.

figure out what you want, but dont stay together because of wht 'wa'. relaionsips need to gro together. more oftn tha not, people il grow in diferent ways when apart, and hen you finally get together, you realise that you no longer want to be with this erso.

think hard about you. be selfish, and above al, be honest withyourself. then ask your boyfrind to do tthe same. you may be shocked by what you find

LegacyUser

I think you need to have a serious talk with your man. I am in a long distance relationship as well. I live in Dublin and my gf lives in London. We talk several times a day on the mobile and for at least an hour each evening on land line. Communication is very important to keep things going.

Your guy's excuses about not liking texting/mobiles/emails are really lame. It just seems like he can't be arsed making the effort to make the relationship work. Those excuses might be ok where you live in the same city and see one another every day or a few times a week but for long distance he can't be coming out with that kind of crap. I have been with my gf for two years now and not one day goes by that we don't speak by phone. Ok some days one or both of us might be busy, going out with friends or whatever but we still keep in touch on the mobile.

You need to sit down (go visit him) and have a serious chat about where the relationship is going and how serious HE really is about it.

el tel

You should take good care of yourself and if you find you are getting upset frequently you should be aware that this kind of thing is likely to be the way it always will be in this relationship. Definitely be selfish here amd put your own happiness first. Personally, these firey emotional relationships are not worth the pain, regardless of the distance between you, and are hard to sustain long term. They are like some kind of drug - great at times, desperate at others, addictive and hard habits to kick.

No matter what you do remember that you are still young and should you bring it to a head things will always get better and happiness will only be around the corner. Can you inagine having these doubts about a repaltionship if you were married or living abroad without the support of your friends and family? Although difficult, now is the best time to be considering these things so you are on the right tracks anyway.

hope you find peace of mind soon

RuggieBear

I was doing the long-distance thing for over 2 years before I moved to Dublin to be with my boyfriend 6 months back so I can sympathise too!

I hated speaking on the phone - I've never been very good at it and as I lived at home there were always family members listening in so I was uncomfortable about chatting. I also have a big family and often found it hard to get a 'slot' on the computer so I could send emails! I had a massive mobile bill from texting so I'd try not to text too much in order to stop me from bankrupting myself! So, basically I'm saying that communicating when you're apart is not as easy as it might first appear!

I also got really frustrated a lot of the time -we never really had rows or anything (it's pretty hard to row when you're not together!), but I found that I did need a lot of reassurance from my boyfriend at times and sometimes it was hard to let him know what was going on in my head.

In a nutshell it was really really hard!! But, now I'm over here in Dublin we get on great and I'm chuffed I made the move! Three and a half years is a long time and I can only sympathise, but just because it is difficult, doesn't mean it's not meant to be - only you can decide that! I just know that in my opinion it was worth the hard work and bloody long wait! Good luck!

bug

I dont get the whole long-distance relationship thing.
I mean, are we talking... (my other half lives in london and I go over every second weekend and vica versa) or my other half lives in the states and we phone ...each..other...just a question...

To the original poster..
From what you've said, it really does give the impression that this guy doesn't give a toss about you really.
You've said it all yourself in your own post.
You know he has a phone in his bedroom, and could ring from there.
Its not that difficult to set up a hotmail/gmail account and find a cafe/hotel lobby with internet access..like if someone gave a ****, once a week would be nice. I would do it just to put someones mind at ease, crap, even if it was a mate who thought I was neglecting them!
So what if he doesnt like email...he doesnt have to say much just a hello would be nice. And i dont think most workplaces would go crazy about that.

To be honest if he doesnt like email, gather your thoughts and stick them in a letter, because it doesnt seem like he has the time to even talk to you on the phone. How many more methods of communication has he got to rule out before you realise,...here...hang on a second..am I for real waiting around on this guy to make a decision that fits me into his life in some way...

Its like this.
Gather your thoughts, get on the phone and use the two minutes he gives you to get a point accross.
Ask straight logical questions about what the story is, you might be afraid to rock the boat, but it looks like, if you keep going on the way your going... falling out..then back on...then falling out - you wont have a relationship, or someone not to call you

Bamboozled

Good advice from all the others. I was in a long distance relationship (still with the same guy now) for 3 out of 4 and a half years. When we were apart he was able to live the "single" life and at weekends he was part of a couple so he got the best of both worlds. Your boyfriend sounds quite selfish, and I had a problem with my guy being selfish too. They get used to doing their own thing and it takes time to adjust when together so that by the time you've to go, they're just adjusting but you're leaving or he's leaving.
I drove from one end of the country to the other in the middle of the night most times to get to him so the journey only took 5 hours instead of 7 or more. But getting together made it worthwhile so think about that part. Is he worht the sacrificing? Is he going through some other stuff that he doesnt tell you and that you dont see because you're only together for short bursts?

Communicate and make a decision on when you WILL do X and where. But if it doesnt happen, be prepared to walk away. If you do something like that and it doesnt work out, then you have to prepare yourself for both outcomes.

What I felt helped with us was a different form of communication. He'd no access to email outside of work but there are Internet Cafes. Surely he can use those? They're relatively cheap. Anyway we came up with the idea of a journal that passed between us regularly. I'd write in it for a week for half and hour each night when times were good and bad, then post it to him and he'd do the same. I got to see different sides of him and his innermost thoughts when he was in good and bad moods, that he wasnt willing to talk about over the phone. Someoen mentioned a letter, and this was just an extended thing, but it did help to read over the joy and fun stuff of what happened the times we were together but wrote about afterwards.
Would you consider doing something like that ? Sometimes its easier for a guy to write whatever comes into his head, than to open himself up on a phone or through texts.

Now that we're back in the same place and living together we've looked over the journals and seen that we're stronger than we thought because we didnt realise how bad stuff got at the time, but see it now and we came through it. All because of communication. Its definately a MUST.

He might see the journal as a novelty thing and consider it and maybe even do it. If he does, its a way to communication and a way forward rather than back and forwards and back again.
Good luck.

LegacyUser

Thank you all for your advice. I haven't replied much because it takes ages for my posts to come through since I've posted unregistered!!

Anyway, I suppose I've given a pretty bad picture of him. In reality, when things are normal, we speak every day or every second day for an hour on average (I get discounted calls because of my job ) He does have email, but just doesn't really use it. I'm going to bring this up with him later.

I know he loves me very much, but he's not great at expressing it over the phone. We have different ways of dealing with the times we're apart. I tend to mull things over a lot, my mind goes into overdrive. He tries to get on with things and not dwell on the negatives too much. I sometimes see this as indifference but he has reassured me that he does worry about things as much as I do.

We've spoken about our situation billions of times, but we always get back to square one - his financial situation and career. I'm lucky enough to not have any debts and am fairly flexible career-wise.

Anyway, I still haven't spoken to him since Friday. We've been texting a bit, and both of us are pretty wound up. I've decided to write him an email, simply because I can't organise my thoughts properly when talking on the phone. He can read it when he gets home from work, and either write one back or ring me. The main issues I want to bring up are communication and some sort of commitment for the future. I'm not into the idea of marriage or anything now, but I need him to tell me he sees a future with us. I really hate the idea of breaking up with him, but if things don't change I will have to walk away. (I have said this to myself a few times now...). I'm at my wits end basically.

Thanks again, your posts have really helped.

Kell

Stuck wrote:

I really hate the idea of breaking up with him, but if things don't change I will have to walk away. (I have said this to myself a few times now...). I'm at my wits end basically.

Listen to your gut. Its never wrong. You know what you have to do and the sooner you do it the better you will be for it. The longer you leave it go on the more it will fester and you will be humming and hawing for the next twelve months trying to figure out whats best for who.

As WWM said earlier, be selfish (not even selfish, just think of yourself for once) and decide what it is you want. I dont think he can offer you what you want so take a deep breath and move on. The actual PFO statement is the hardest bit, but its easy after that.

K-

LegacyUser

Thanks for replying. I have to say, I'm a big believer of going with your gut. The confusing thing is it seems to be changing from day to day! One day I think it would be best to call it a day and get on with things, the next I think this is the guy I want to be with and I will try stick it out!!

Spoke to him last night for over an hour. We both know that things are bad, we're both miserable most of the time. He said that he can't see the distance situation changing in the near future. I really don't want to lose him, and he feels the same about me. I feel better after talking to him, although nothing has changed. We're on good terms at the mo, but I've told him a decision needs to be made, soon.

I told him yesterday that I had sent him an email and asked that he read it when he got home. He said he would but couldn't cos his internet was down. Anyway, because he didn't know what was in it, I got the impression he thought I was breaking up with him as he kept texting me back immediately (he usually takes a while) and rang me bang on the minute he said he would. Sounded really upset.

Anywho, it ain't gonna be easy, but we will have to do something. Going to visit him soon. I actually can't imagine us breaking up, neither of us can, but it might be our only choice!

What a f/*king nightmare...

Better stop waffling about it anyway

Kell

Stuck wrote:

We both know that things are bad, we're both miserable most of the time.

Think of it in the third party sense. Would you advise your best mate to-

"stay in the relationship bud. I know its a shítter and he wont give you what you want, and things between you havn't been good for ages".

No, I didnt think so. Writing, wall- gets easier after the decision is made.

K-

LegacyUser

Yeah I totally know what you mean. If it was a mate I would probably say the same. Although none of my mates say that really, funnily enough. Although I don't tend to talk about it much any more as they're not going to be able to provide a solution! Anyway, we will be doing a good bit of talking over the next while, and I suppose if we have to break up we will. Somehow.