Unhappy.. but feel trapped.. can you help?

Kermitt

hi

I'm in a relationship for two and a half years now. Over the last while I've started feeling unhappy with things. It started as small annoyances, but now I just feel like i don't want to keep the relationship going. The problem I have is that she is very emotionally dependant and I'm afraid of how she'd cope with this.
It's apparent to me that we both want different things, she wants to rent a place.. i'm not keen on the idea as i'm 21 and still in college. There have also been a couple of issues with trust as I found out she had been lying to me about the way she felt in bed.

As if this wasn't enough, i was at U2 at the weekend with friends (not gf) and I cant stop thinking about one of the girls' friends ever since. I caught her looking at me a few times and its really gotten to me. I know this may be borne more of my unhappiness than a true desire for this other girl, But i don't know what to do.
If I stay i'm hurting myself
If I go i'll devastate my girlfriend.

i've been in a mess all weekend and need some help. Thank you

is_that_so

I'd suggest two things

1. Find out exactly why and what is making you are unhappy?

2. It's time for that " We need to talk" . No dalliance or messing about or anything else. Put it out in the open and see where you are.
Talk it all out and tell her how you feel about it all.

People survive these things.

simu

Heh, I just got out of a similar relationship about a week and a half ago! It's best to make it a clean break. You cannot be held responsible for the weaknesses of other people and indeed, by maintaining this relationship, you are reducing your partner's chances of finding a relationship where she can be truly happy.

Sometimes, you have to be cruel to be kind!

secret_squirrel

Kermitt wrote:

There have also been a couple of issues with trust as I found out she had been lying to me about the way she felt in bed.

What do you mean here? Has she been telling you that she is enjoying sex when she has not?

is_that_so

After sex is the worst time in the world to express any kind of "honest" feelings . Too many expectations and sensitivities. People have been known to say absolutely anything.

Kermitt

secret_squirrel wrote:

What do you mean here? Has she been telling you that she is enjoying sex when she has not?

Well, she told me that she'd been faking climax for quite a while as she "felt that it was her duty to keep me happy" I was pretty shocked and felt deceived.. But decided against flying off the handle and said that that was rubbish about being her duty. i decided i'd see how things progressed. Thats 4 months ago now.
P.S I'm not the kind to be forceful in bed so as to put that idea in her head..

simu

Kermitt wrote:

Well, she told me that she'd been faking climax for quite a while as she "felt that it was her duty to keep me happy" I was pretty shocked and felt deceived.. But decided against flying off the handle and said that that was rubbish about being her duty. i decided i'd see how things progressed. Thats 4 months ago now.
P.S I'm not the kind to be forceful in bed so as to put that idea in her head..

Sexual partners with hang-ups are annoying - life's too short.

is_that_so

I can see how you'd be upset. That could quite easily be the source of your misery. But maybe the answer is to find out what works for her. You're not the first man to be faked on.

Kermitt

The bedroom thing is part of it.. but it feels like a chore every time i go to see her.. every day is one problem after the next and i've always been there for her.. more so than most people know.. but the constant barrage of "i'm annoyed about X" and "I'm pissed off about Y" is taking its toll on me and I feel drained. Add to that that she always shys away from going out with my friends (male and female) leaving me always making excuses and I'm a bit exhausted really. It's not that I hate her or anything.. just think I need to get out

is_that_so

If that's what you feel it is time to have the talk and bow out gracefully.

Belladonna

21 is way too young to be stuck in a relationship you no longer want. If you were 56, married,3 kids, etc.....it would be a different story, but 21 is a time to enjoy freedom and explore what you want out of life.
It will be hard breaking it off, but it sounds like you will regret it down the road if you don't. The sooner the better.

nesf

is_that_so wrote:

After sex is the worst time in the world to express any kind of "honest" feelings . Too many expectations and sensitivities. People have been known to say absolutely anything.

Really?

I'd disagree. Sometimes in the intimacy after sex partners can be very honest and truthful.

This of course, would depend on having a healthy and mature relationship. Most people seem incapable of this. Ffs, it's only sex. I really do not see why people create this mystical aura about it. It's just another part of life. A fun and interesting one, but nothing special tbh.


To the OP. You're 21 mate. You both have probably outgrown the relationship from what you've been posting here. My advice is to have a good think about it. Try and look at it with a clear head if you can. Talk to some close friends about it.

Then if you still think that breaking up is the best option, then do it quickly and cleanly. Don't draw it out with promises of getting back together. A sharp breakup is nearly always the healthiest option.

If the relationship no longer brings you happiness and you are not committed to it (ie no kids, financial commitments etc) then you should follow your heart on the matter.

Lifes far too short to be trapping yourself in something that isn't making you happy.

Kermitt

Thanks for all the help folks.. really appreciate impartial advice.
I'm going to have a chat with a friend tonight and will see where things go. I'd feel like a complete ba5tard breaking up with her but i suppose if I keep on pretending everythings ok it will be a whole lot worse.

Any more thoughts would be great too.

Nevyn

Cut off all contact after breaking up with her.
IF she is that needy and dependant she may try cling on and make your life
really hard.
You need to look after yourself, it wont be easy for you but there will come a
morning when you wake up it wont hurt and you will feel a lot better.

mad m

Well I cant top the great advice given from above boards members.

All I can add is..

Goodluck with it.

Einstein

I was with someone who was IDENTICAL to that. I was with her for about 3 years and i was 22. I broke up with her and she said "no".
eh..hello? I'm breaking up with you, but she was saying that she couldn't handle it and she'd go crazy and that I'm all she has in the world and would do anything to stay with me. SO silly me, i ended up staying with her for another 2 years...bad bad baaaaaad idea.

When I finally finished it (again) it was the best thing i could have done. Yeah she was upset and I felt bad for her, but at the end of the day, that's up to her to deal with and for for her friends to help her through the bad time.

Honestly, go with your feelings, you'll find the feelings that you get in your stomach don't lie...

Good luck,

D...

Kermitt

Divers wrote:

I was with someone who was IDENTICAL to that.

Well at least I'm not the only one. I'll have to be careful not to fall into that 'take me back you're all i have' lark.. Not good I'm sure

Femelade

well kermitt? how did u get on last nite?
did your friend have any good advice for you and help you decide what to do?

Kermitt

Yeah.. i had a good chat. He advised me to just sit down and talk it over with her and let the outcome decide itself from there. He reckoned I was badly in need of some fun and relaxation, and that I'm not getting that with her. (that seems to be a reason for thinking about the girl from the concert cos we had great craic with each other there).

All I can do is bring it into the open I suppose.
Thanks again for the help people.. at least I have my head a bit straighter today!