Death: Denial.... and what the hell?!?!

eskimo

A very close family member that lived with me since I was 5 died recently (i'm now 18), suddenly and fairly unexpectedly. I never knew how powerful denial was but it's helping so much. But I have blocked out all feelings, it seems. Whenever I start thinking about him, I stop it immediately. I'm really afraid that I'm not gonna be able to cope with it when I can't deny the reality any longer. Anyone been through this and have you any advice?

Riamfada

I recently suffered the loss of a very close relative however there is a period of grieving everyone must go through. I find it difficult to recall the goodtimes however as inhuman it may sound I have found , in my case that as time goes on it becomes less painful. It is a difficult period ... sorry.

deek

sorry eskimo,any help you need though.... I lost my uncle last year and I agree with Grimes its best to deal with the pain immediately rather than let it fester. That being said there is no hard and fast rule for grieving and certainly no easy way through it .Grieving is messy and unbearably difficult but its not something that can be successfully ignored.

eskimo

thanks for your replies, i just don't have a clue because i've never lost anyone i was really close to before. i let him down, i should have talked to the doctors and figured out the best way to save him. he would have saved me no matter what. i just feel like he didn't deserve to go and i'm so angry at myself, beyond belief. i'm just glad i was there when he died. he looked into my eyes while he was dying but he couldn't speak.

He died less than a month after being admitted to hospital. I'm so angry, and I don't even know what he finally died of. I spent the night that he died comforting my whole family - all my friends and a lot of my family say I should be a psychologist, that's how good they say I am at controlling people's emotions - but I just don't know how to control my own with regards this death. Denial is amazing. I used to be against it but the thoughts of the pain is unbearable. Anyone who can offer their own similar stories or words of advice would be of great value to me.

deek

Its not your fault that he died. No matter what understand that. He was in a hospital for a month,fully qualified doctors and nurses couldnt save him so you have to believe that you were not in a position to stop him from dying. Whats essential is that you were there for him and you were. He wasnt alone when he died you were with him and Im sure that meant more to him than you will know.

Also people may say you could be a psychologist but youre not. Psychologists arent affected by their clients problems. You are as much a victim of this grief as any other family member and it is not up to you to help them through it while ignoring your own feelings. Allow them to help you a little bit. Show your grief- youre not superman.
Lean on them for a while.

eskimo

Cheers for all your replies much appreciated and definitely thought-provoking

CathyMoran

Sorry for your loss - I did the same thing when my grandmother died, I was there for my mother and brother - eventually the pain came out but it took time. There is no normal way to deal with grief and every person reacts differently. You will get through this. Do let your friends be there for you.

Prior Of Taize

i find that after a period of denial you suddenly start dealing with it. it can be years before this happens...

long story short your mind will deal with it at some stage...if not now then in the future....you dont really get a choice in the matter i find. its no mean thing to deny it straight up. thats most likely your natural reaction. only you decide what to do about it.

but take it from me that not dealing with it indefinitely (especially if it was a pretty significant death) is not a good option. though as i said you will eventually find time (can be 1 day or a month) to deal with it. and you will feel so much better.

thats an opinion not a fact.....so suit yourself