depression

sean69

Well this is the first time I have posted on this site but I have enjoyed reading from it.

I am 35 and married with one little girl, my wife is also 35, we are together since we were 17 and kind of grew up with each other facing life’s troubles together. We got married ten years ago and life seemed great, and was until about three years ago, I started to suffer from depression, at first my wife was supporting and understanding but as my business failed and we fell on hard times we started to drift apart to the stage that there is little or no physical contact between us. I know she still loves me and that it has been so hard for her over the past three years, I love her to but think maybe it would be best to let them go to find a better life away from me.
I don’t expect people to understand, or sympathise with me as I keep telling myself “theire are people a lot worse of than me” but I am tired, and feel a lot older than my 35 years, and I fear that it will affect my beautiful little girl when at five her world should be filled with happiness. I don’t really know what I am writing this for, maybe just to get it out of my head and find other people who have been where I am now.
But as I sit here and write this I think if I could have one wish it would be to go back to my wife and I were happy.

Thank you.

Sean.

Nightwish

as i am far younger than you, i dunno how helpful any advice I offer you can be, but I think the key to solving most relationship problems is bettering communication between you and your partner. tell them how you feel, when you feel it, not later on after it has festered inside you. As for the depression, professional help can be of enormous benefit. I was on prozac for a while, and while I dont recommend using drugs to keep you happy or mentally stable, they can help you take that first step towards getting your life back together.

jcoote

i'm another sucessful counsellee (is that even a word)...anyway i would recommend some professional help...it seems u have been unable to recover the set back of your business failing... have u talked to your wife about your depression she may feel useless because u haven't returned from your depression with her support alone

Tobias Greeshman

I've never suffered from depression so I dont know how much help this is going to be to you! I would suggest talking to your GP about your depression, Im sure they would be only too happy to refer you to a counseller and/or prescribe some medication that could help you in your day to day activities.

Also recently I read Gareth O'Callaghans (from 2FM) autobiography called "A day called hope", which discusses Gareths depression he suffered all his life and how he overcame it, perhaps you should give it a read, at the height of his depression he was married with children like you and was in his 30s too! (thats why Im suggesting it). I know it really opened my eyes to how serious depression really can be!

Nightwish

silas wrote:

Also recently I read Gareth O'Callaghans (from 2FM) autobiography called "A day called hope", which discusses Gareths depression he suffered all his life and how he overcame it, perhaps you should give it a read, at the height of his depression he was married with children like you and was in his 30s too! (thats why Im suggesting it). I know it really opened my eyes to how serious depression really can be!

thats something I meant to mention as it was the first thing that came to my head after I read your posting. I would highly recommend this book to everyone, especially to those who have suffered from depression as it gives such a clear insight into the mind of someone elses pain, and makes you realise how we're not alone in our suffering.
I feel this book would be of enormous benefit to you as his life circumstances during his depression appear to be quite similar to yours

Corksham

I suffered (cautiously use the past tense mind you) for 10 + years. I am 29 and have attempted suicide twice. I know the hell of depression and only those who have been threw it can fully understand the sheer lonliness desperation and pain.
What works for some may not work for others. What helped me:

1) Read up on the subject, it may prove hard at times but learn all about it
2) Talk about it - depression thrives on silence, drag that beast out in the open - lots of others have been there too Sean
3) Medication? - personal choice, but I would defo go for it - consult your GP or a pyschologist
4) Religion has helped me alot recently though in the grips of depression there is no way religion could have helped me I needed medication first
5) There are others like you, in fact a huge ammount, you have acknowledged you have an illness now do something positive about it

PM me if you want to talk to someone who has been there

BrianD3

I'm just wondering if you do any/much exercise. Regular, intense exercise is often said to have a dramatic effect on depression. I am a bit prone to depression as are a lot of my family. It seems to be something that has been passed down on my dads side of the family. Anyhow, I have noticed a massive improvement since I started doing weight training. I cannot overstate how much brighter it makes me feel. Any other type of exercise (running, cycling or whatever) would probably have a similar effect. I would try this before resorting to medication but do go and see your doctor and get his opinion on the whole thing.

Fanny Cradock

I just heard about this book and author interviewed today on The Last Word (Today FM)Healing Without Freud and prozac.
It is a natural approach to tackiling depression (natural remedies (e.g. St. Johns wort), regular exercise, change of diet etc.), but doesn't necessarily rule out the use of modern prescriptives. I'm not doing it justice, but the author, David Servan-Schreiber (MD, Ph.D. and Assistant Professor of Psychiatry at Pittsburg Uni of Medicine) apparently has over 20 years experiance in neuroscience. The book is based on medical research that has been extensively peer-reviewed and appears to be based in fact.

Anyway, I thought it may be of some use to you.

LegacyUser

BrianD3 wrote:

I'm just wondering if you do any/much exercise. Regular, intense exercise is often said to have a dramatic effect on depression.

If you're talking about "depression", in the sense people do every day ("oh boy I'm so depressed today" when really they mean "a little sad"), then yes. But if you're talking about clinical serious depression then a little excercise isn't going to do much good. I know people mean well when they say it, but if that helps for you then you weren't suffering from the illness called depression. It has an effect on the "depression" regular people suffer from but not from the illness.

That's exactly what it is, an illness, and if you're not already speaking to a specialist/doctor about it, do so now.

C Fodder

Depression can be a killer, literally but more often it just f***s up everybodys life around you as well as yours. I presume you have talked to your GP about this and if not when you do bring the subject to their attention say you don't want prozac etc. initially, if possible. They have other ways of treating it including other types of medication but GET HELP because it makes life possible. I agree with Nightwish that a short course of pills can start to turn things around.

I know how to lose a business with the help of depression and it ain't funny. I don't know if all the crap is sorted with yours but the regular nasty letters are a sure fire ticket on the old depression wagon. I still haven't found a way of dealing with these and a new crop are what have me up at this hour. I can't give you any answers except the first time I talked about depression to an outsider the blackness eased a little bit and then with some help from the doctor I was able to get functioning again (just not very well).

I don't know whether depression attracts bad luck or is the cause of it but years ago when I suffered from it and didn't know what was wrong with me I was dogged with bad luck but when it disappeared for the best part of a decade I had far less bad luck and indeed got a few lucky breaks. Maybe it's just that when you're not depressed you don't dwell on the bad things.

Don't let your wife go and most certainly do not send her away. It may take months to start to feel better but if you are still talking, start some treatment and explain to her what you are doing. She probably doesn't know where the man she married has gone and may well be blaming herself for some of the depression or problems. If the problems are spelled out and a way of dealing with some of them apparent, then the rest will start to diminish. You have two important reasons to begin to tackle this problem and if possible make a start this weekend as the weather is supposed to be good and sunshine can sometimes alleviate depression.

Do you have a job? is there physical work involved? do you get outdoors in the sunlight(yeah I know its Ireland read daylight) at work? Is your job causing depression? Did you ever suffer depression before? Was the depression caused by stress?

Good luck Sean, they all tell me it gets better

sean69

Thank you all for your support and suggestion, its good to here other peoples views.

Just to clarify, I did go to my doctor in the beginning he recommended a drug called Serxoat, I took it for a month or two but felt it made me worse so I stopped taking it, he also suggestion counselling which I went to on and off for six months, but at 40 euro a visit we found we could not afford it indefinitely.
I am not working right now so I spend a lot of time on my own to think, which for a depressed person is not good. There are times that I get so down I just want it to end but I know I can’t do that to my little girl. I know some of you have said you suffer or suffered with depression but for those of you who don’t it must be hard to understand, I for one could not, before I got sick I lived life to the full, every day was a new beginning, another chance to spend time with my family. Now my world is dark, I don’t get excited about life, I go around tired but I can sleep I can’t handle any pressure which leaves more for my wife to do.
I feel the carousel of life slipping by, but I just can’t get back on. I lay in bed at night praying that I don’t wake up at least then my family would not have to live with the shame and would get some sort of social and financial support.

Thank you again for your suggestions, I will look into them.

Sean

Einstein

While I haven't personally suffered from depression, an ex-girlfriend of mine did. for months I read and read about depression and did what all the various forums advised etc. But at the end of the day, the only thing that helped her in the end, was professional help and medication, and unfortunately it took about a year to really make a difference.

Depression is a serious thing, and overlooked by too many people. Have no fear in contacting somebody to talk to, check out a couple of websites, one that comes to mind is www.beatingthebeast.com, this site seems to be one of the better public forums with lots of support from other people, however it's not a substitute for professional care.

I didnt have as much to lose as you do, it sounds as if you love your family very much, so say go for it! Talk to someone and even bring your wife with you!

D...

Sleepy

Are you actively seeking employment? While no psychologist it would seem in large part that your problems stem from the collapse of your business. Feeling like you can't provide for your family can be a major downer for men. I'd imagine were you to get back earning (even in something beneath your abilities until something better comes along) you might find a significant improvement.

Nothing to lose and at the very worst you'd have a few extra quid to spend on the two women in your life

guest31

Dear Sean,

My thoughts are with you at this tough time in your life ... but there are ways to tackle this, as suggested above. I know how weak depression can make you feel, and you don't want to keep burdening your wife, but that's what she's there for ... I'm sure you have been there for her when she needed you - now it's your turn to lean on someone, this is not shameful.

Seroxat didn't work for you ... I'm nearly sure this drug has had bad press (and led to suicidal tendencies) so go back to your GP, there must be another medication that you could try out .. one that will help you in the short term just to get those positive endorphines functioning in your brain again ... and you will be able to see the light out of this darkness and start to take small steps towards life ... living ... seize it.

You have an illness ... it is treatable ... like any other illness.
Accept this, seek help from your GP, your family, your friends ...
and you will come out of it ...

Your family loves you, don't turn them away, let them in to help you in your hour of need.

Take care.

Garibaldi

Cognitive Behaviour Therapy at the Dublin County Stress Clinic in Stillorgan - http://www.iol.ie/~stjog/stress.htm - (if you're anywhere near there) completely turned me around from a situation not unlike yours to the only slightly unbalanced, 33yo cubicle dweller you see before you now. If you're not in their area, maybe they could recommend someone closer to you? As far as I'm aware, CBT is still relatively new in this country, so maybe you haven't tried that yet? The therapy itself, let alone the results, can be pretty astonishing.

Esel

Sean,

Please, go back to your doctor. Tell the doctor all you have told us here, including how the Seroxat affected you. There are other good medications out there - think of asking for Prozac (now available as generic). It can take up to 8 weeks or more to take effect, so keep taking it. You should notice a slow but sure improvement in how you feel. Don't stop taking medication without talking to your doctor again.

The doctor may be able to refer you to your local Health Clinic, where you will see a psychiatrist and may be referred for counselling. AFAIK, this service is free. If you are prescribed medication at the clinic, I think it is dispensed for free. Check this out. Even if you have to pay for meds, it is worth it. Join the DPS (Drug Payment Scheme) and you will not have to pay more that €85 per month for prescriptions (for the whole family), and can claim this against tax. Find a friendly, approachable pharmacist, and take them into your confidence too. They are a good source of info on meds, and how you should be reacting to them.

It is good that you are thinking of your daughter in all of this. That will keep you on the right track. You will recover the good feeling for life you had before. Talk to your wife. It sounds like she has been and will be very supportive. Also, consider talking to someone at The Samaritans via phone or e-mail.

Good luck, and keep posting!

shellby

i'm surrounded by depression in the form of my mother and my sister every day but one day my sister decided to do something about it she has been on medication for 7 years and will be for a long time yet she not only fights depression but agrophobia (fear of openspaces or the outdoors) every day of her life one day she told me that she just got fed up being lonely and afraid and sad all the time she too lay in bed wishing for death so she could stop burdening my family and at times it was alot for the rest of us to take. she still sees a professional every couple of months and keeps a daily journal of her emotions she missed 2 1/2 years of school because she just wouldn't leave the house if she wanted to go anywhere my mother or myself had to be by her side
she now has plenty of friends infact we have trouble getting her to come in she managed to catch up with her school work without having to repeat a year but still everyday acknowledges that she has an illness that she refuses to let take her over again most of the time she is just a regular cheeky 14 year old. yes that's right she is only 14 and has been battling this since the age of 7 when she was 10 instead of playing dolls or going to slumbers she was contemplating suicide but now and only through her own decision to gain control of her life she lives a full and happy one and because of how proud i am of her i will state again she is only 14 a child who lost 6 years of her childhood and fought back on her own only she could win that battle

my mother well she does nothing about it and remains depressed

i know it sounds horrible but YOU have to make the decision to do something about it and then YOU have to fight it as i said nobody else can win that battle because i'm sure that your wife would have done so by now if she could

in the worlds of Terry Goodkind: "your like is yours alone, rise up and live it"

Indriel

I agree with Shellby. You have to be the one who makes the decision to fight back against the depression. I know how hard that is. Im 26 and have been struggling with it for the past 20 yrs. But the other thing I know is if you were strong once you can be strong again. I take a wonderful drug called "Lustral". It helps take the edge of the blackness, then you can start with everyday things like getting up and washed and dressed. Walk to the shop or around the park. Then dont do anything else til the next day. but try and decide to do something everyday. Little things like putting a nice dinner on the table can be so uplifting.

As others have said, councilling is a good option, your doctor can recommend professionals who only ask you to pay them what you can afford. There is an option for everyone. But if your not ready to go then there will always be a reason for not going, whether it be money or something else.

Take baby steps, dont expect to wake up one day and find it gone. But do tell yourself that eventually you will feel better, and try and believe it. It does get better. You know what your capable of, you had it once so there is absolutely no reason why you cant have it again.

Uthur

If you are unemployed you can get a medical card etc - then you can get
therapy & drugs for free.

You will really need to see a psychiatrist as GPs are not good at treating
mental problems. do NOT give up after trying one drug. I have had
panic attacks and depression for 4 years and I have tried 7 drugs so far.
You have to keep going until you get a good one.

CBT is good too. I highly recommend it for depression!!

C Fodder

Stupid unhelpful comment time.

Move to a sunny climate.

Okay my reason for saying this. I spent 12 months working abroad in a crappy country ( well at least the bit I was working in was ) and we had 364 days of sunshine and the only rain I saw was when I was invited to the capital city for a paddys day party paid for by the Irish embassy and the UN. During that year I never had one day of the blues. I have been thinking in the years since that it could only be the weather because everything else about was crap.

I'd move tomorrow myself if it wasn't for herself, the kids, my mother, her family etc. etc.

Tobias Greeshman

C Fodder wrote:

Okay my reason for saying this. I spent 12 months working abroad in a crappy country ( well at least the bit I was working in was ) and we had 364 days of sunshine and the only rain I saw was when I was invited to the capital city for a paddys day party paid for by the Irish embassy and the UN. During that year I never had one day of the blues. I have been thinking in the years since that it could only be the weather because everything else about was crap.

I think you may of had S.A.D (Seasonal Affective Disorder) http://www.sada.org.uk/

chuci

deprssion is one of the worst things in the world today.having suffered it myself for three yearsit took me about a year and a half to go ask for help which probally wasnt the best idea in the first place. the thing i found the worst was the vast feeling of emptiness and the lonliness as i found i could cope with the sadness. it feels like this huge void which cant be filled at all no matter what you do and if you try and ignore it it just gets bigger. the worst thing that made me worry the most was how people would react when i first decided that i would inform them. my friends espcially, a they didnt really suspect it as i acted pretty normal aroud them is was the only normality i had. i feared that they would be avoiding me and walking on egg shells and watching what they said as to not upset me. it finally got so bad that i nearly commited suocide. i got spo sick of making peoples lives hell and that i was useless and a waste of space i was no good at anything etc etc. but i finally went to my G.P who i could not fault the think is when you find someone is suffering from depression you are meant to hold off from giving the individual drugs you are menat tooffer alternatives,but how many doctors do that?not many id think? they are just looking for a quick fix 6 month prescription of prozac,valum or mood satbilisers and come back?

dont get me wrong i thought the drugs really helped and i know they do but i think there are more possitive ways of trying to battle it. my doc didnt put me on anything until she asked me how was i feeling, did i have any suicidal thoughts? i looked at her and said it was only tues who knows bout the rest of the week.

i was pretty bad at leting my emotions flow too even now to the detriment of my relationship. i had to force myself to talk to my parents too because my communication skills had totally shut dwn and even now they are still not great but im trying really hard. the worst thing i think is the fear i get sometimes thinking that it can come back and that its there lurking waiting for something to go wrong. but then i have to be thankful that it hasnt got me yet and that i can try to stay positive.

the turning point was when i was on placement in a psychiatric hospital and i saw all these patients on the same drugs that i was on i scared me so much. other people when they find out are very quick to offer in their two cents too which kinda bugged me because most of them are speaking bull. the people i worried most about were those who wwere closest to me and i tried to make them understand. my parents though reverted the blame back onto themselves which caused me even greater pain seeing them blame themselves over something they couldnt control.

C Fodder

silas, yes I also think I suffer form S.A.D. as well as the more bog standard depression or maybe they are all the same because we get so little sunshine. Short of moving to the desert hard to prove definitively.

Strangely for one who reads so much, I've never read up on depression (maybe too close to home) but some of your comments are making me think that I not the only one in this house who suffers from depression but that we have different symptoms, degrees and reactions to it ? must look into it farther as it would explain a lot.

Sean69, have you got the possibility of doing some physical work this weekend. Even mowing a lawn, cutting hedges, weeding, anything outdoors which will make you sweat. If so try and do it. I've been stuck inside the last two days with sick kids and even sicker computers to fix with only a short walk this evening and the black clouds are over the horizon so tomorrow for me its go do some farming weekend (well fix a tractor really )

Ba_barbaraAnne

I don’t expect people to understand, or sympathise with me as I keep telling myself “theire are people a lot worse of than me” but I am tired, and feel a lot older than my 35 years, and I fear that it will affect my beautiful little girl when at five her world should be filled with happiness. I don’t really know what I am writing this for, maybe just to get it out of my head and find other people who have been where I am now

Sean

You are definitely not alone, as you can tell from the posts on this thread. I've suffered from depression on and off for years, and am always aware that it could creep up on me again if I don't watch out. Depression is a very personal illness and it really isn't any good trying to tell yourself that there are people worse off. It is all about how you feel inside, and comparing yourself and your situation to others is not appropriate.

The best ways I have found to keep myself mentally healthy are :-
1. Get professional help. My GP is the best, and even now keeps me a long time in his surgery for a chat if I have to see him about anything, to make sure I am ok. I recently finished two years on the drug Lexpro and found it very helpful. I was kept on a maintenance dose for months to make sure the effects would last, and so far have been fine (despite a lot of personal difficulties to deal with).
2. Support. Family and friends who care about you are very important. Once they understand that you are unwell and recognise this, and that you are trying your best to overcome depression, they will be there for you. Your wife loves you but may feel totally overwhelmed by your depresssion. Maybe if you involve her more in your recovery you could get through this together.
3. Counselling. I couldn't afford private counselling and the waiting list for medical card holders is too long, so I went to the local Family Resource Centre and found a great counsellor. You are only charged what you can afford, and it was great to talk out all my problems to a non-judgemental, sympathetic ear.
4. Activity. Keeping busy (even if it's 'make-work') is important. Regular walking, tidying the garden - anything to tire the body and keep your mind occupied. I over-compensate at times and try to take on too much, but am getting the balance right at last.

But as I sit here and write this I think if I could have one wish it would be to go back to my wife and I were happy.

One last thing. Hold that thought. You can never go back, but you can move forward to happiness again. Keep your mind focussed on all the good things in life that have been clouded by your depression and aim for them. My children were my aim - they needed me to get better, but I also wanted to be better for my own sake. I never thought that how I feel today would ever be possible, but it was, and my life is good.

Tell your wife exactly how you feel - just like you've told us - and ask for her help.

The very best of luck to you.

sean69

Thank you all, your words are like a light through the darkness of this illness that thrives on darkness, loneliness and sadness. I know I have to take the first step and be proactive if I am to have any sort of life for myself and my family, three years ago I would have said the same thing if someone told me they suffered from depression, but from where I am now it seems such an insurmountable task.
I would have always said I was a strong person both physically and mentally, but in the last three years this sickness has brought me to my knees, when I was first sick I even told my wife” I was dieing” the pain and sadness were so bad. But from my knees I will have to learn to stand and from there to walk. I sat down with my wife last night and talked; we talked and cried for what seemed like hours, the pain on her pretty face upset me so much and how this evil sickness can reach out of you and hurt people that you love.

So we have decided to try again, even if it means me going away for a while to get help, they would both be right here waiting for me when I get back. My wife said to me to go find my smile again. So I am thankful to you all for making me think. I know the road ahead is not an easy one but at least there is now a road.

Thank you
Sean.

nesf

chuci wrote:

dont get me wrong i thought the drugs really helped and i know they do but i think there are more possitive ways of trying to battle it.

I would disagree fundamentally with that statement. There is nothing wrong with some people needing drugs to help them over such illnesses. Taking drugs is not a sign of weakness or something that is negative.

For some people, drugs are a way of life. It's like a diebetic and their insulin. It's just not an option for some but a necessity.

On the other hand, the drugs are horribly over-prescribed and quite a few people who don't need them are on them.

This doesn't change the fact that for some they are necessary. They can't help a person who isn't helping themselves. But that's a whole other problem altogether.


What difference does the treatment chosen make, so long as the person recovers?


OP: Sean, talk to your doctors again and give each treatment more time before dismissing it. I spent 2 and a half years on the drugs before I climbed up and out. It was worth it though.

chuci

nesf wrote:

I would disagree fundamentally with that statement. There is nothing wrong with some people needing drugs to help them over such illnesses. Taking drugs is not a sign of weakness or something that is negative.

ywes i know drugs do help i was on them also im just saying they may not suit everyone and some have adverse affects, which some people may find dis couraging. i was only bringing up a point that some other ways can help people more than just dosing them up on drugs. iv seen the harsh effects the drugs have over a long period of time so im probably a little pesimistic. at the end of the day its between the person and their G.P/ counsellor to figurre out what they think wass best for them. true?

nesf

chuci wrote:

ywes i know drugs do help i was on them also im just saying they may not suit everyone and some have adverse affects, which some people may find dis couraging. i was only bringing up a point that some other ways can help people more than just dosing them up on drugs. iv seen the harsh effects the drugs have over a long period of time so im probably a little pesimistic. at the end of the day its between the person and their G.P/ counsellor to figurre out what they think wass best for them. true?

Yes, but you described them as being a negative option.

That is what I had a problem with.


I've been on "heavy" doses of psychiatric drugs for a long segment of my life (7 years), but I function just fine thanks very much. I have a good quality of life, and I just need monthly out-patient check-ups.

So yes, you are being very pesimistic and don't know enough to give an opinion here imho. You are peddling an incomplete and ill-educated view based on anecdotal evidence.

guest31

"So we have decided to try again, even if it means me going away for a while to get help, they would both be right here waiting for me when I get back. My wife said to me to go find my smile again."


Emotional stuff Sean ... it's breaking my heart reading this, and I can just see you and your wife ... well done man, you've done brilliant, see how strong you are? You've taken a great step forward. Keep going and all the best.
You're gonna make it!

piratio

I've been following this thread for the few days and I really feel for you dude. Well done for putting your balls out there and talking to your wife. I'm overcome here at my desk in work. There are actually tears in my eyes, which is a definite first for me and the internet. I wish you all the best. You've wasted so much energy already in being down. Pray for Rain & Love your Wife. Well Done again.

B

[Oh, and I say hurrah for the lovely people here on boards.ie. I think this little community has actually had some real-world influence. Isn't that special. Feel good about yourselves, you did a nice thing!]

DublinWriter

sean69 wrote:

...this illness that thrives on darkness, loneliness and sadness.

Firstly Sean, I'd have to say to you that depression is rarely caused by situational factors.

Depression is caused by a chemical imbalance in the brain and sometimes can even have the physical symtoms of a cold, running nose, etc.

These days, GP's hand out SSRIs such as Seroxat like snuff at a wake.

You really need to spend more than a month or two for an SSRI to kick in. The going on and coming off effects are terrible (allegedly!).

Seroxat is quite and old SSRI now, there have been argueably better drugs developed since.

But I really would recommend getting a proper understanding of what's going wrong rather than jumping down the medication route.

Again, you'd need to do more than a couple of counselling sessions for that to be effective. You say that €40 is expensive, but it's a small price to pay when you consider the hell you say you are going through. If the roof blew off your house, you'd pay thousands to get it fixed, and your problem is more serious than a blown-off roof.