Family messed up - what to do

sal*

Hi

I'm totally misguided so forgive me if this doesn't all come out right. My family life is in ribbons - its a disgrace, i'm so embarrassed over the whole lot of it that i've got to the stage where i'm lying to my friends about my family life and i hate myself for that too.

I'm from a family of 3 kids and my mam and dad split up when i was about 11. I'm in the middle so i've a sister older than me and a brother younger than me. I never got on with my mam, she is just a total bitch, i'm sorry but there is no other word for her. She always as far back as i can remember had abusive relationships which was very traumatic for us after her and my dad broke up(he was an alcoholic). One particular time i remember there was a screaming match in the Kitchen, and me being quite straight forward (speaking my mind) barged in, said enough was enough and she either choose her kids or her fella. she chose him.

I moved out of home at 17, having not spoken to her for months on end. My brother was very young when my mam and dad spilt up so he was allowed run wild and never got properly punished or anything. He fell in with the wrong crowd too. My mam kicked him out of the house aged 18. My sister lived at home until last month, she is now gone travelling around the world. We hadn't seen my brother in months and months as he was made homeless by the bitch. I went down home for Christmas (the most stressful time of the whole year and praying for the time to go fast) when my brother turned up at the door. My mam welcomed him in (even though she had kicked him out) and told him that me and my sister were bitches and trouble makers. After that i said i would have nothing more to do with her and haven't spoken to her since. I hate her so much, if someone told me she was dead i would be relieved. Anyway my brother is now 20 and himself and his girlfriend have just had a baby. He is still homeless more or less and she lives with her dad. they are trying to get themselves together and qualify for a rent allowance on a flat but have yet to find somewhere where they will qualify. I desperately want to help him - what can i do?

I could go on for hours telling things my mam has done over the years but it's not about her now, its about my brother and his baby.

Help

iMax

Wow. Just "WOW".

First things first, forget about the past, it can't be changed & is not worth worrying about.

Secondly, Your concern for your brother is admirable, but he is not "your" responsibility. If you have a spare sofa/bed/floor he can sleep on that you can help him out by giving him an address, once you do that he should be able to apply for rent allowance.

Other than that I can't really have any input, other than to say, be strong, stay safe.

shellby

yur brother can't apply for rent allowence it has to be his girlfriend and they have a better chance if she claims to be single i'm not condoning lying to the authorities merely stating the facts
however afterwards he can live in the house legally for 3days a week
the first thing she needs to do in get in touch with her local social services office they will help her what ever way they
unfortunitely there is v little your brother can do and even less that you can
you didn't say if he was working or but if not you should try encouraging him to get a job maybe suggest that he uses your address if he needs to
congrats on becoming an aunt by the way

Shabadu

I'm afraid some people just have a messed up family life. All you can do is try to be there for your brother.

Maybe you could babysit to give them some time to flathunt, or make sure he gets the evening herald and goes to all the apartments every evening.

There are some free counselling services that you should look into for him.

FAS pay for attending some of their courses. Try and make him excited about the future and the life he could have. Try to build up his self-esteem and his self-worth.

Talliesin

Has your brother contacted the Simon Community or Focus Ireland? They may be able to help.

Cork Simon Community
(021) 4300970
csimon@iol.ie

Dublin Simon Community
(01) 872 0188
dubsimon@iol.ie

Dundalk Simon Community
(042) 933 9583 or (042) 932 8764
dlksimon@iol.ie

Galway Simon Community
(091) 589 415
officegalsimon@eircom.net

Focus Ireland
14A Eustace Street, Dublin 2.
(01) 671 2555

(Eustace Street is in Temple Bar)

Sleepy

Try encourage your brother to do a FAS course of some kind. He'll be paid while he's doing it (not a lot, but every euro helps when you've a young baby) and it'll help give him a sense of self-worth again and will help lead to a "proper" job. Having a child can be a very positive motivator for people. Try and help your brother see that this can be a new start now that he has a baby to provide for and bring up.

sal*

Thanks everyone for the good advice - will try to get in touch with the Simon community to see if there is anything they can do. He is also hoping to start a FAS course in forklift driving in Sept to have a better life for himself and his family.

*Page*

if he's in dublin, Roadstone are always looking fir forklift drivers.