*GRAPHIC MATERIAL* A Song For Sarah

SonicDoom2005

Every night I dream of you,
Dead and forever gone,
It took a long time to clear the blood,
Which stained my guilty hands.
The wound has bled dry,
And blood is smeared across your face,
In the shape of a smile
In the shape of death


And every day I think about,
Setting fire to your corpse,
And tasting the fumes of your burning flesh,
As my final insult to you.
Dancing in the ashes,
Of your incinerated shell,
Having bathed you in petrol,
I sent you straight to ****ing hell.

pcwares

something tells me you possess a little disdain for this Sarah character. Im not sure what it is that gives it away.

More a statement of intent than a poetic frame id profer to suggest. Its white bread and vulgar. Its quite sickening and does conjure up holocaustic imagery. Freedom of speech is one thing...

SonicDoom2005

The identity or my relationship to the "sarah" will not be revealed. However i appreciate your comments on the song....I'm sorry you found it sickening, but there is a specific warning in the thread title about the content...

pcwares

Maybe because i had a barrow of beer last night - might have swayed me to that point of view.

SonicDoom2005

Understandable....

hawkmoon269

Maybe you could write lyrics for Slayer?

SonicDoom2005

Interesting idea there hawkmoon...but i have my own death metal band... \m/

stevejazzx

dont usually comment on poems but this is sick regardless of your thread warning
looks like your going for shock value looks pathetic and insecure
if you hate something or someone that much then you hate yourself also
try really understanding something instead of just hating it
enlightenment comes from harmony with your own existense
it is juvenile to hate so blindly

hada

Particulary grotesque I'll have to admit - the expression of how you killed and are going to continue to mutilate the corpse are particulary disturbing.

But with that said, it's written pretty badly. There is little more than visceral rantings which shrouds any real poetic intentions.

As lyrics, I think they're absolutely ridiculous

Let's just hope you'll be growling this in such a way that noone can hear what you're actually saying.

oddlyaromatic

It's angry, it's violent, it's uncontrolled. Adding "****ing" to the last line (I'll allow it to be starred) did nothing at all for the poem, and took away the little sense of cadence that actually was there.

I'm not as averse to the imagery in this as the others, but there are indications here and there that you don't know what you're doing, and that you aren't commanding the words, you're just putting them together because you think they work. I'm talking about things like the commas on the ends of lines- the don't all need to be there and by putting them there it shows you aren't considering the detail of your poem.

"The wound has bled dry,
And blood is smeared across your face"

- at least it's an image, but the "in the shape of a smile / in the shape of death" lines force it into nothing much. What's the shape of death? How are we supposed to picture this.

"And every day I think about,
Setting fire to your corpse,
And tasting the fumes of your burning flesh,"

As macarbre/horror writing, these lines have a kind of grim usefulness - the image, if not closely examined, is effective and expressive of a pretty shocking desire. But it's not what it could be, even with the subject matter in hand. You're let down by the comma after "about" - which slows us down for no good reason and has no function in the sentence (undermining you as a writer) - and by the awkwardness of the sentence structure in any case. "Setting fire to" isn't actually very visual, and as for tasting the fumes - surely smell is a more appropriate sense? Even more disturbing.

"Dancing in the ashes,
Of your incinerated shell,"

"Shell" might be a useful word for a corpse, in another context. Here it's a blatant set-up for the rhyme with hell, and not much else.

"Having bathed you in petrol,
I sent you straight to ****ing hell."

"bathed in petrol" is an image that might do a bit of work for you as well, but it's awkard here. And reading the last line - as I said before, it's the cadence, the simplicity of the single-syllable words by themselves would actually add to the menace.

If you're going to disgust people,it needs to be artisically defensible. I have no problem with horror writing, I've written some pieces in that category myself. But this isn't good horror writing - it's a rant, pure and simple. I read it, and didn't get what you wanted me to get - couldn't even TELL what you wanted me to get, because I was buried in the poor punctuation and meagre attention to the detail of the piece. If you don't care how your words affect me, neither do I.

Let me know if your band are playing anytime soon.

Shad0r

I'm ALL for shock value when it compliments a piece of writing, the same way good cinematography should compliment a movie (i.e. house of the flying daggers for the most part). But when it just sort of takes over at the expense of everything else (i.e. Hero) the finished product stinks, just like a pile of dead skunks in a septic tank.

In other words my advice would be to delete this poem and start again.

nobodythere

Maybe i'm just less sensitive than everyone else but I liked it, the second verse anyway.