what is he thinking?!

LegacyUser

i'm hugely confused, i hope ye can shed some light on the conundrum that is the male mind.

so there's this guy, let's call him bill. we have some mutual friends and became good friends after spending a night on the piss together about two and a half months ago. my best friend was out with us that night too, and was convinced that he was crazy about me (to the point where she felt awkward when it was just the three of us alone). i did think there was a bit of chemistry that night, but i put it out of my head because i wasn't sure. in fact, in retrospect, there were a lot of signals over the next couple of weeks that he was into me (i can fuzzily remember us holding hands, having "prolonged gazes" [hah], etc), and we were spending quite a bit of time together and getting on very well. however, i put it all down to "friendship".

it all went a bit pear-shaped about a month and a half ago, on a friday night. this was also, ironically, the night i realised that i really liked him. he came straight over to me when he arrived in the pub, he came for cigarettes at the same time as me, and i think we may have been vaguely holding hands at some stage. however, one of his best friends with whom i get on very well was out too, and we spent a lot of time together. he sustained a drunken injury and i was helping him to walk, etc. back at bill's flat later, bill admitted to feeling left out (in a jokey way). the next day, i texted his friend about something funny that had happened the previous night. he got the text while at bill's, so from bill's perspective, i suppose it looked like i was interested in his friend.

i met bill in college soon after. we chatted a bit, but it felt a little odd. frankly it was a bit awkward. i didn't see him again for about a week, but when i did, it was back to normal. we chatted comfortably and had a laugh. it was over a week before i next saw him. he was on his way to a club with one of his friends. i told him the pub i was going to. he showed up at that pub alone about half an hour later, claiming he was refused from the club (dunno if i believe that his friend would have left him on his own if he had been). anyway, we ended up scoring. he was saying very sweet things, but i don't know how much i should take them to heart, considering he WAS quite ****ed. however, he did say that it was way overdue and that he'd liked me for ages. he'd even considered becoming a vegetarian because i'm one (hahahahaha).

the next day, he didn't text, so i texted him (after much deliberation). he called up to my house. he gave me a kiss at the door, but it was obvious that we were both feeling a bit awkward about the whole thing. me, because one of his female friends had given him abuse when she saw us together and i wasn't sure what the story was with that. (it turned out to be nothing - she likes him, but he's not into her). and him, because, as he revealed that night, he'd been "kind of involved with" another girl for "a couple of weeks". great. i assume that he met her after the weekend when i (unwittingly) made it seem as if i was interested in his friend, as it was since then that things had been a little different between us.

so that was that. i was a bit too stoned to process it all, so we didn't really get a chance to talk it out. i do remember him saying that he couldn't do anything "at the moment", and rushing to make sure i knew that he had WANTED to score me. i asked him to leave and i haven't seen him since because we've both left the city for the summer. but now i'm torturing myself with thoughts of what's going on in his head and where we're going to stand when we meet again next year. do i have any hope? does he like me? should i give him another chance or tell the flamin' mongrel to rack off?!

sorry that was so long, all opinions welcome - help put me out of my misery..

Banjo013

mumu wrote:

i'm hugely confused, i hope ye can shed some light on the conundrum that is the male mind.

I haven't posted here in years, but I'm doing it this time because I find this comment very interesting !

The Male Mind => something very straight forward and not difficult to understand. It processes information in a logical manner and doesn't have the energy nor the desire to maintain hidden agendas, harbour grudges or suffer much paranoia.

The above definition is no doubt a bit of a "shock horror" moment for all you ladies out there ... as you think "couldn't be" to yourselves. However I assure you it's true.

As for the subject matter of your post, grab this situation by the balls and control it. Call him, text him, or otherwise contact him. Ask him directly what the deal is from his point of view and what he does/doesn't want from you. This really is a matter of a ten minute conversation to solve and put your mind at rest.

PeadarofAodh

Have to agree with Banjo completely on what he said about the male mind.

About your problem though, what Banjo said ties in with your situation. A lot of guys find it easier and less awkward when a girl is more straightforward and honest with them. I know I find it easier anyway. Give him a ring and tell him how you feel, not only will it be easier for him but it'll also be better than you thinking a few months down the road "I wish I'd had the balls(in a feminine way...) to give him a call"

Good luck.

LegacyUser

PeadarofAodh wrote:

"I wish I'd had the balls(in a feminine way...) to give him a call"

hehe.

thanks for the advice lads

Son_of_Belial

Yeah, true about the male mind. Call him and sort it out you silly twit! God, it could have been all ironed out in less time than it took to type that post!

WhiteWashMan

mumu wrote:

i'm hugely confused, i hope ye can shed some light on the conundrum that is the male mind.

so there's this guy, let's call him bill. we have some mutual friends and became good friends after spending a night on the piss together about two and a half months ago. my best friend was out with us that night too, and was convinced that he was crazy about me (to the point where she felt awkward when it was just the three of us alone). i did think there was a bit of chemistry that night, but i put it out of my head because i wasn't sure. in fact, in retrospect, there were a lot of signals over the next couple of weeks that he was into me (i can fuzzily remember us holding hands, having "prolonged gazes" [hah], etc), and we were spending quite a bit of time together and getting on very well. however, i put it all down to "friendship".

it all went a bit pear-shaped about a month and a half ago, on a friday night. this was also, ironically, the night i realised that i really liked him. he came straight over to me when he arrived in the pub, he came for cigarettes at the same time as me, and i think we may have been vaguely holding hands at some stage. however, one of his best friends with whom i get on very well was out too, and we spent a lot of time together. he sustained a drunken injury and i was helping him to walk, etc. back at bill's flat later, bill admitted to feeling left out (in a jokey way). the next day, i texted his friend about something funny that had happened the previous night. he got the text while at bill's, so from bill's perspective, i suppose it looked like i was interested in his friend.

i met bill in college soon after. we chatted a bit, but it felt a little odd. frankly it was a bit awkward. i didn't see him again for about a week, but when i did, it was back to normal. we chatted comfortably and had a laugh. it was over a week before i next saw him. he was on his way to a club with one of his friends. i told him the pub i was going to. he showed up at that pub alone about half an hour later, claiming he was refused from the club (dunno if i believe that his friend would have left him on his own if he had been). anyway, we ended up scoring. he was saying very sweet things, but i don't know how much i should take them to heart, considering he WAS quite ****ed. however, he did say that it was way overdue and that he'd liked me for ages. he'd even considered becoming a vegetarian because i'm one (hahahahaha).

the next day, he didn't text, so i texted him (after much deliberation). he called up to my house. he gave me a kiss at the door, but it was obvious that we were both feeling a bit awkward about the whole thing. me, because one of his female friends had given him abuse when she saw us together and i wasn't sure what the story was with that. (it turned out to be nothing - she likes him, but he's not into her). and him, because, as he revealed that night, he'd been "kind of involved with" another girl for "a couple of weeks". great. i assume that he met her after the weekend when i (unwittingly) made it seem as if i was interested in his friend, as it was since then that things had been a little different between us.

so that was that. i was a bit too stoned to process it all, so we didn't really get a chance to talk it out. i do remember him saying that he couldn't do anything "at the moment", and rushing to make sure i knew that he had WANTED to score me. i asked him to leave and i haven't seen him since because we've both left the city for the summer. but now i'm torturing myself with thoughts of what's going on in his head and where we're going to stand when we meet again next year. do i have any hope? does he like me? should i give him another chance or tell the flamin' mongrel to rack off?!

sorry that was so long, all opinions welcome - help put me out of my misery..

why are you wondering what is going on in his head, when you cant even figure out your ownhead?

sounds like both of you need to do a little bit of growing up.

Talliesin

Banjo013 wrote:

The Male Mind => something very straight forward and not difficult to understand. It processes information in a logical manner and doesn't have the energy nor the desire to maintain hidden agendas, harbour grudges or suffer much paranoia.

From which we know that Banjo013:

1. Is male
2. Is either straight, or at least has never had a boyfriend.

Like WWM said, it doesn't look like the OP knows what's going on in her own mind, never mind his. I'd wager the same thing is true for him and neither of ye are going to sort it out in the space of a couple of minutes.

~Rebel~

Heh, totally agree with the definition of the male mind, am always telling gf to just tell me what she thinks instead of giving veiled hints in one direction and then throwing signs in another, when its just so much easier to say what you mean. When you talk about these things they get very uncomplicated, id sy just give him a call and chat about it, will save a lot of wondering.

Talliesin

~Rebel~ wrote:

Heh, totally agree with the definition of the male mind

Ah, but do you also match the two criteria I gave for thinking this about men (another one incidentally, is having never studied psychology at all, and therefore being able to believe that any human mind operates on a basis of logic).

~Rebel~

Talliesin wrote:

Ah, but do you also match the two criteria I gave for thinking this about men

yes am a straight male with girlfriend. and haven't done psychology. Just from my own point of view, that would be a good basic definition of myself, obviously doesn't cover everything and there are lots and lots of exceptions, but as a rule try to look at everything logically and rationally to at least see it from outsiders POV, even if my own instincts go against it cause id be wrapped up in problem. Always find it helps with my gf's probs if we go through it logically. Saves her getting flustered and worried over it all swirling round in head when its laid out in some sense making way. Always helps to try n see things from all angles i find..

Talliesin

~Rebel~ wrote:

but as a rule try to look at everything logically and rationally to at least see it from outsiders POV, even if my own instincts go against it cause id be wrapped up in problem.

Ah, that's a technique, rather than how your brain inherently works though. The fact that you have to use it proves my point.

~Rebel~

Talliesin wrote:

Ah, that's a technique, rather than how your brain inherently works though. The fact that you have to use it proves my point.

That is true, i do often consciously chose to tackle stuff this way, but not always, often would have my own opinion, then get guilty for being one sided and see other sides, without actually consciously trying to. Though im not actually sure which came first, if i started only unconsciously doing it after doing it consciously, or if i started doing it consciously after finding doing it unconsciously helped me..

muppetkiller

I think you should go and have a cup of tea or coffee with the guy and then tell him how ya feel, or even better go out for dinner ..your entire post is all about you getting hammered and stoned and nearly hooking up....

Tomohawk

your entire post is all about you getting hammered and stoned and nearly hooking up....

Have to agree with this comment (and their advice)

Be careful what you put in your body or people will really start to think your a sister of this fair lass in the picture!!

BizzyC

Banjo013 wrote:

The Male Mind => something very straight forward and not difficult to understand. It processes information in a logical manner and doesn't have the energy nor the desire to maintain hidden agendas, harbour grudges or suffer much paranoia.

LOL, I've been trying to convince my girlfriend of this for ages.
She's always thinking that some stuff I say has hidden agendas or meanings.

My advice is to keep in contact with him. Send him a few texts over the summer to keep tabs on each other. If you dont then you really wont know where you stand next year, and it'll be akward for a while as you're sussing it out.

Banjo013

Talliesin wrote:

From which we know that Banjo013:

1. Is male
2. Is either straight, or at least has never had a boyfriend.

Talliesin wrote:

(another one incidentally, is having never studied psychology at all, and therefore being able to believe that any human mind operates on a basis of logic).

Yes, yes and yes.

But you know you've basically proven me right here ?!

To think and write something like the above, someone would have to be :-

1. Female
2. Either straight, or at least never had a girlfriend
3. Must have studied psychology because it gives you a licence to think in a warped fashion, harbour plenty of grudges against the opposite sex, suffer loads of paranoia and believe that you know and understand everythig and anything about the human mind.

It's the holding of opinions and views like yours that makes it seem to you that all the men are out to get you and not one of them is to be trusted. Men must be kept in a test tube where they cannot harm you and only be handled with a 10-foot long pair of pliers while wearing protective gloves and a gas mask.

Now ........ I've got no right whatsoever to give or even offer you any advice. However, if I were in your shoes, I'd firstly make sure the lens through which I view the world is in focus before I go making judgements on everyone I see through it. And I'd clear the grime off the mirror I use to look at myself too.

But, not wanting to make a total enemy out of you Talliesin, here's one for you to work your psychology classes on - I find behaviour and views like yours very attractive in a girl, even though I've said what I said above. Can you tell me why ??!

ps. NOTE to mumu - I apologise for hyjacking your thread with this babble. If it's any consolation, you can see that you've started a bit of a verbal tennis match here

Nevyn

Ah nothing like PI t brighten my day,

But, not wanting to make a total enemy out of you Talliesin, here's one for you to work your psychology classes on - I find behaviour and views like yours very attractive in a girl, even though I've said what I said above. Can you tell me why ??!

Even more funny when you know that Talliesin is a Married with 4 children.
Oh and that he is most definatley not a girl, not with that mustache.

Banjo013

Thaed wrote:

Even more funny when you know that Talliesin is a Married with 4 children.
Oh and that he is most definatley not a girl, not with that mustache.

I've got to admit to my complete shock. That said, I bow down before Talliesin's amazing abilities to moonlight !

I knew there was a reason I hadn't posted here in years ... be assured I am now crawling back under the stone I came from ..... can't get myself into such trouble there !

Talliesin

Tee hee. You were wrong about the straight bit too (bi) and I only formally studied psychology for one year, so partial credit there. Knowing a bit about post-hypnotic suggestion teaches you that we don't use logic as much as we may feel we do, we make up our minds and then use a bit of logic to convince ourselves we were right. Having a job or hobby where you really do have to use logic for extended periods can show that too, it's different to the thinking you do the rest of the time.

Bringing this back to the actual point of the thread, while the average man may well be more likely to use logic in a given situation than the average woman (though the educational biases that lead to that aren't as strong as they were), IME the average man is also more likely to believe he is using logic which can actually make him more opaque than otherwise (and all that Venus and Mars crap is self-comforting bollocks where you replace looking at what's going on in your life with an occasional blowjob for him and an occasional chick flick for her).

The fact that the OP and her potential lover seem to have these conversations under the influence of tetrahydrocannabinol probably does't help much either.

LegacyUser

Banjo013 wrote:

NOTE to mumu - I apologise for hyjacking your thread with this babble. If it's any consolation, you can see that you've started a bit of a verbal tennis match here

very interesting debate alright, specially since i'm an applied psychology student! i'm on holiday though, so don't think i'll bother getting involved..