The Eternal Blackout

SonicDoom2005

This time you've taken, one step, too far.
And one step closer to your grave.
Society does not want to know who you are,
You're just a person whom it has failed.
And the stars burn brightly in the sky, tonight.
They refuse to dim their glow,
But the person you'd be without the drugs,
No one will ever know



But the needles scar your skin,
Their tracks will never leave.




Is there no other escape for you?
The price reality takes on your mind.
You're just so lost in your dangerous world,
The exits you can't find.
But you just keep going deeper,
Until there's no way out.
Snatched away by the reaper,
In its Eternal Blackout.



You tried to quit but they lured you back,
You hated that ****, but you wouldn't go cold.
And now you're shaking as you pull the strap,
In the knowledge that you won't grow old.
And the stars fade away in the early morn,
Their solar flames die out,
And your lifeless eyes stare up at the sun,
As you reach your final blackout.

BEAT

loved it,
for those who have seen it first hand it puts a sick feeling in your stomache,
so I'd say well done

SonicDoom2005

*takes a bow*

Le Rack

modest too! :rolleyes:
I've never seen it first hand that seriously but I've still seen it to an extent.
Seeing Veronica Guerin (sp) sorta helps you see it and reading the book Lisa, its about a girl in Dublin who was a hard core druggie and dealer by time she was 13 and its written so vividly you nearly throw up.
That poem is just as close the book which is a true, hand written account, keep it up, keep your work coming!

Altheus

I think it's far too primitive. Try and explore the art of the language rather than using it to serve a function.

"And the stars burn brightly in the sky, tonight.
They refuse to dim their glow,"

This is better, it's not instructive, it's not dialogue.

The rest of it is far to literal, reads more like the dialogue of a poor teenage show.

I dont have the time to go through it line by line, but I'll point you in the direction of a song that manages the topic much better. Notice it's not so blatent with the topic at hand. The key is to try and use as little words as nesscessary so you can spend more time concentrating on getting your images and emotions across. Try and paraphrase, and use the language to it's fullest rather than being tied down to rhyme scheme.

Alice in Chains - Down in a Hole

http://www.lyricsfreak.com/a/alice-in-chains/5983.html

pcwares

The Stranglers poetic lyre gifts the mantlepiece.

the raven

pcwares wrote:

The Stranglers poetic lyre gifts the mantlepiece.

anyway...

i'd have to agree with altheus.
well, dunno bout the alice in chains song tho...

pcwares

The Stranglers - Golden Brown song depicts this way of life. Timeless.

the raven

after the first line the poem goes to hell.
it's just not poetry man.


[edit] i just realised that perhaps those commas are typos... if this is so then i retract the above statement - regards the opening line...

i find punctuation to be one of the most interesting poetic tools... there's so much you can do with, the whole message of a poem, even a sentence, can be completely altered resulting in an utterly contradictory vibe