Whores Abortion

SonicDoom2005

You are plagued, by what is within,
Life is so short, you cannot win.
Death is in the eyes of everyone,
Spending their lives, hoping it will come.

Forced to wait, for these cold hands,
To drag them to their promised land.

I watch as your, your soul burns,
And its your screaming lets the blinded learn,
The ****ing lost, drowned within their emotions,
Like burning tears shed at the whores abortion.

You are scared, by what is inside,
Every fear you have, you try to hide.
Dead in the eyes of everyone,
Praying for hope that will never come

BEAT

very strong emotions there,
again well done.

SonicDoom2005

I can post 4 more of my songs if you wish to see them....?

BEAT

please do

trajan

please don't

koneko

LATIN BEAT wrote:

very strong emotions there,
again well done.

I disagree. It reads like every other teenage angst home-written song/poem I've seen before. The same words, the same things, it doesn't seem original or to come from the heart at all. It seems forced.
That's just my opinion though.

SonicDoom2005

koneko, while i understand and appreciate your opinion on the above post, i would like to point out that a) i am not a teenager and b) how do you equate anything in that post to teenage angst....if you've ever ever heard a band called the deftones you'd understand that songs don't have to be blatantly obvious...they give you the words...you paint the picture of what it means. What i wrote that song about was the futility of abortion and how careless society in general has become about the issue... read between the lines koneko before you offer up non constructive criticism about my work...

BEAT

trajan has been banned temporarily of rmore than 1 post, but Konekos opinion was just that, her opnion.
I disagree with it but thats what she feels after reading it, you will have to learn to accept critcism both good and bad if you continue to post here

SonicDoom2005

Latin Beat i understand that was her opinion and i am completley okay with that, no problems at all. I just find it harsh to brand what i write as teenage angst...I wouldn't say that about anybodys writing because thats not really good or bad criticism, thats just dismissing it as forced emotions... I quite enjoy posting here and i apologise if i my post was taken any other way than intended. sorry koneko

BEAT

no worries, you are fine.
continue posting, I look forward to reading them

koneko

SonicDoom2005 wrote:

read between the lines koneko before you offer up non constructive criticism about my work...

It's "non constructive criticism" because you don't agree with me. I still feel the same, it reads very "meh" to me, and doesn't convey any emotion. This is my OPINION and I am entitled to it. All I'm doing is expressing it. I didn't attack you or use any bad language, I merely expressed my opinion.

If you want to be an artist, you're going to have to grow a thicker skin because you obviously can't handle criticism very well.

SonicDoom2005

and i apologised...can we leave it at that?

Le Rack

anyway moving on I thinkit was good, a bit muddling to understand on first read through but there is definately a strong emotion there, and teenagers think abortion is okay cuz they can go out and get laid and if they get preggers get rid of it, so I wouldn't class it as teenage angst.

Altheus

SonicDoom2005 wrote:

koneko, while i understand and appreciate your opinion on the above post, i would like to point out that a) i am not a teenager and b) how do you equate anything in that post to teenage angst....if you've ever ever heard a band called the deftones you'd understand that songs don't have to be blatantly obvious...they give you the words...you paint the picture of what it means. What i wrote that song about was the futility of abortion and how careless society in general has become about the issue... read between the lines koneko before you offer up non constructive criticism about my work...

Right, what age are you? It reads like every songs I've ever heard at every Blast gig. That's the gigs that get put on for rock fans age 10 - 16 in Dublin each week for that last 8 years or so.

Also, your work is nothing like the Deftones, and I think we are all aware of the fact that lyrics tend not to be literal in meaning, although confusingly your writing seems to jump from literal to allegorical, to nonsensical.

If it is a critique on how we view abortion, I just dont see it.

For instance:

You are plagued, by what is within,
Life is so short, you cannot win.

I'm not sure what you mean by 'win' here, maybe it's a positive outcome from the pregnancy, but I dont see the relevance of life being short, and the choice of 'win' to describe a good outcome is a little bit forced.

Death is in the eyes of everyone,
Spending their lives, hoping it will come.

Right, we all want to die. Seems to be a little bit angsty to me.

Forced to wait, for these cold hands,
To drag them to their promised land.

Hmm, now I'm confused, the hands of death, or a personification of death to take the presumably person you talk about in the first two lines to 'the promised land'. Again seems forced.

I watch as your, your soul burns,
And its your screaming lets the blinded learn,

Right, so you've cast your judgment that this 'abortion' of the person, again specified by 'your soul', is resulting in their soul burning, however you've already descrived the person is going to the 'promised land'. This seemingly is a bit confusing. Heaven and Hell et ál.

The ****ing lost, drowned within their emotions,
Like burning tears shed at the whores abortion.

Right, again a generalisation here, and an unnesscessary expletive to try and emphasise a very weak perspective, I presume the 'lost' are the are teary eyed due to the abortion, or are you talking about the person who is having the abortion.

You are scared, by what is inside,
Every fear you have, you try to hide.
Dead in the eyes of everyone,
Praying for hope that will never come

This is teen angst 101, and it also seems like you've been listening to NIN - Mr. Self Destruct [ http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/nineinchnails/mrselfdestruct.html ]

Le Rack

how'd you come to the NIN conclusion?

Altheus

The last verse both sounds and reads like Mr. Self Destruct:

You are scared, by what is inside,
Every fear you have, you try to hide.

It's too obvious.