Chemisty Stuff

Capt'n Midnight · 12-06-2005 5:57pm #1

http://chemclub.cambridgesoft.com/chemhumor/FStopten.cfm - No 8 / No 1

"What do you do with a dead guy?" "You Barium"

Q. What do you call a tooth in a glass of water? A. One molar solution.

Q: Why does hamburger have lower energy than steak? A: Because it's in the ground state.

Capt'n Midnight · 12-06-2005 6:34pm

New Scientific Units

Here is a conversion chart taken from The Bent of Tau Beta Pi, Spring 1988. Reprinted without permission.

* 1012 Microphones = 1 Megaphone
* 106 bicycles = 2 megacycles
* 500 millinaries = 1 seminary
* 2000 mockingbirds = two kilomockingbirds
* 10 cards = 1 decacards
* 1/2 lavatory = 1 demijohn
* 10-6 fish = 1 microfiche
* 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake
* 1 unit of suspense in a mystery novel = 1 whod unit
* 1012 pins = 1 terrapin
* 10-12 Boulevard = 1 Pico Boulevard (L.A.)
* 1021 picolos = 1 gigolo
* 10 rations = 1 decoration
* 100 rations = 1 C-ration
* 10 millipedes = 1 centipede
* 3 1/3 tridents = 1 decadent
* 5 holocausts = 1 Pentacost
* 10 monologues = 5 dialogues
* 10 monologues = 1 decalogue
* 2 monograms = 1 diagram
* 8 nickles = 2 paradigms
* 2 snake eyes = 1 paradise
* 2 wharves = 1 paradox
* 1 milli-Helen (of Troy) = amount of face that can launch one ship

Capt'n Midnight · 12-06-2005 6:51pm

New Scientific Developments
These are supposedly responses to a contest sponsored by OMNI magazine. Strangely, these scientific developments were never considered by the Nobel Committee.

Grand Prize Winner
Antigravity
When a cat is dropped, it always lands on its feet, and when toast is dropped, it always lands with the buttered side facing down. It is proposed to strap buttered toast to the back of a cat; the two will hover, spinning inches above the ground. With a giant buttered cat array, a high-speed monorail could easily link New York with Chicago.

Runners-up
Rednecks & Braille
If an infinite number of rednecks riding in an infinite number of pickup trucks fire an infinite number of shotgun rounds at an infinite number of highway signs, they will eventually produce all the worlds great literary works in Braille.

Why Yawning Is Contagious
You yawn to equalize the pressure on your eardrums. This pressure change outside your eardrums unbalances other people's ear pressures, so they must yawn to even it out.

Chinese Underdevelopment
Communist China is technologically underdeveloped because they have no alphabet and therefore cannot use acronyms to communicate ideas at a faster rate.

Effects of Deforestation
The earth may spin faster on its axis due to deforestation. Just as a figure skater's rate of spin increases when the arms are brought in close to the body, the cutting of tall trees may cause our planet to spin dangerously fast.

Honorable Mentions
Why the Earth rotates
Birds take off at sunrise. On the opposite side of the world, they are landing at sunset. This causes the earth to spin on its axis.

How to make your car go faster
The reason hot-rod owners raise the backs of their cars is that it's easier to go faster when you're always going downhill.

The Constant Consonant Theorem
The quantity of consonants in the English language is constant. If omitted in one place, they turn up in another. When a Bostonian "pahks" his "cah," the lost r's migrate southwest, causing a Texan to "warsh" his car and invest in "erl wells."