People who are difficult to stay friends with

Steveire

Does anyone have any experience of having friends who are constantly very distant? Not bothering to return calls and texts sometimes, and being generally very uncontactable. I'm gonna say now and get it out of the way that I know we're still friends. He's not avoiding me or anyone else that i'm aware of.

Just wanna know if anyone else has dealt with this kind of thing?
*Shrugs*

simu

I have some friends that I might only contact once or twice a year (mostly because they live abroad, though). I wouldn't worry about it though - some people just need more distance than others so I'd just accept this person's behaviour unless you think there's something more serious going on, some sort of grave problem that causes them to avoid friends, in which case it's a totally different problem.

Quantum

Just wanna know if anyone else has dealt with this kind of thing?

Absolutely. And in my opinion there is only one solution, and that is to move on and leave them to their own company.

Life is simply too short to waste sh1t loads of it chasing down people who won't carry their weight in a relationship. I've been there many times over the years. Sure it's hard sometimes because there is something about each person that we will miss.... but believe me, there are better people out there to spend our time on that will make a full contribution and enable you to grow and develop and ENJOY life.

mad m

It happens in my experience,the older you get the less you see of your friends.All this is because of work,family life and just generally there is not enough hours in the day sometimes.

I have a mate who I might text and not hear from him or see him for days/months.I probably only hear from him when he wants to go on the town.But last time I was on town with him a few home truths came out and I think that we are no longer friends.I wont lose any sleep over this and life goes on.

chump

Agree with what Quantum said 100%

Altheus

I'm one of those hard to keep in touch with, distant people. Generally I find it difficult to keep two or three friends rotating. It's nothing personal, usually I'm too busy stressed or whatever. I tend to lose touch with a lot of people, but sometimes the time apart makes for interesting meet ups. In fact my best friends are the ones I see the least, they live in various parts of the country and have no mobiles or email. Usually I just hear 'they're in town' or whatver.

Some people like their space and have no perception of time...

Steveire

Quantum wrote:

Absolutely. And in my opinion there is only one solution, and that is to move on and leave them to their own company.

Life is simply too short to waste sh1t loads of it chasing down people who won't carry their weight in a relationship. I've been there many times over the years. Sure it's hard sometimes because there is something about each person that we will miss.... but believe me, there are better people out there to spend our time on that will make a full contribution and enable you to grow and develop and ENJOY life.

That seems to be the easiest way out. As far as I can see this guy just thinks it's funny to make people confused about what's going on. Even in conversations.

chump

Steveire all he is saying is that if you keep making an effort and they don't, just stop making the effort. It's their turn.

If these choose not to, too lazy etc, stuff it, don't go out of your way. Try once, try twice, then it's up to them! IMO

Quantum

chump wrote:

Steveire all he is saying is that if you keep making an effort and they don't, just stop making the effort. It's their turn.

If these choose not to, too lazy etc, stuff it, don't go out of your way. Try once, try twice, then it's up to them! IMO

Even three or four or fives times..!!! I'm not one to suggest giving up easy !

But there comes a time....when it dawns on us....this guy/girl is not going to change. he is never going to be the one to call, never going to make the trip my side of the city or to my house, never going make the small effort that shows he/she gives a damn.
When that time arrives... then it's time to cut the stings and get on with our other friends and finding new friends who do give a damn. It's not a selfish thing, it's about accepting reality and looking after our own mental health

bug

Steveire wrote:

Does anyone have any experience of having friends who are constantly very distant? Not bothering to return calls and texts sometimes, and being generally very uncontactable. I'm gonna say now and get it out of the way that I know we're still friends. He's not avoiding me or anyone else that i'm aware of.

Just wanna know if anyone else has dealt with this kind of thing?
*Shrugs*

whats there to deal with?
Do you enjoy their company when you do eventually meet up?

Are you worried that your mate isnt answering cos there is something up?

Kell

bug wrote:

whats there to deal with?
Do you enjoy their company when you do eventually meet up?

Are you worried that your mate isnt answering cos there is something up?

Well said. There is no point in trying to rationalise peoples behaviour. If you feel good in their company, treat them as you always have when indeed you are out next, and grow up and stop trying to put them into behaviours that suits you.

On the other hand, if they go around actually deliberately fúcking you up, go with what quantum said.

K-

Quantum

Kell wrote:

Well said. There is no point in trying to rationalise peoples behaviour. If you feel good in their company, treat them as you always have when indeed you are out next, and grow up and stop trying to put them into behaviours that suits you.

To be fair that's not really the issue. It's "Not bothering to return calls and texts" that is the main issue being responded to. Otherwise I agree fully with you. When we do eventually bump into these people, by all means be friendly.

Steveire

Quantum wrote:

Even three or four or fives times..!!! I'm not one to suggest giving up easy !

But there comes a time....when it dawns on us....this guy/girl is not going to change. he is never going to be the one to call, never going to make the trip my side of the city or to my house, never going make the small effort that shows he/she gives a damn.
When that time arrives... then it's time to cut the stings and get on with our other friends and finding new friends who do give a damn. It's not a selfish thing, it's about accepting reality and looking after our own mental health

Have you done this? Burning bridges like this? I still don't really see the point in such abandonment. And yeah, we have a laugh when we all go out, and it's not exactly very inconvenient to meet up either when i make a little effort.

Altheus

Steveire, I dont really see why you'd burn the bridge. If you're getting angry because of how you feel when the person doesnt call you, that's your problem and not his.

I mean it sounds like a very self-destructive situation if you try and analyse his behaviour, and in doing so get yourself upset. Either way, the root of the problem lies not with him, but with how you perceive his behaviour.

Just a few rhetoricals to ponder...

Is there a chance that he is the one who is being polite, and not telling you go away...

Is there a chance that maybe he's just out of credit/forgetful/this is all in your head?

For me, personally, burning the bridge is a completely selfish act drawn from your own insecurities, rather than any fault you have with the person. I think you'd end up regretting that decision.

It's not like this person is taking advantage of you or anything?

It's simply a case of you having more time for him than he does for you, so just stop analysing it all the time, and enjoy time with other peeps.

Steveire

Altheus wrote:

Steveire, I dont really see why you'd burn the bridge.

Altheus wrote:

For me, personally, burning the bridge is a completely selfish act drawn from your own insecurities, rather than any fault you have with the person. I think you'd end up regretting that decision.

Although I may not have made it absolutely clear above, I would not consider burning the bridge. Just wanted to see what other things people have done about this type of situation.

me wrote:

I still don't really see the point in such abandonment.

Altheus wrote:

Is there a chance that maybe he's just out of credit/forgetful/this is all in your head?

Yes absolutely.

CatInABox

I'm one of these people who dont stay in contact, and believe me when I say it, I dont mean anything by it.

First up, if someone texts me asking me to go out, and I'm doing something else, I generally wont reply, it just saves on the credit(I'm a cheap student)

Second, I'm forgetful, See the text, Read the text, Decide to reply to text in 5 minutes, Forget all about text. Sometimes it annoys the hell out of me because I do want to go out and forget about it until its too late.

Third, I hate phones, really shy on them even with friends and family. I'll answer if some one calls, but will rarely call someone. I'd prefer to send a text, but then see my second point.

Finally, I hate meeting the same people all the time. I find that I run out of things to say to them, and end up feeling like a fool because they have to carry the conversation.

I know that all this seems strange(My girlfriend tells me that often enough), but thats the way I am, and I dont mean to be bad to my friends or anything.

secret_squirrel

One of my best friends is like this. Never answers the phone, too tired/lazy to come out. Says he's gonna come out then never bothers. Gets paranoid if we all go out without him.

He's getting worse tbh - if he wasnt one of my oldest friends I would drop him like a stone. Having said that I think there is still something there of the friendship worth preserving and worth making a little effort for. It doesnt cost me much but the odd phone call. I think if any of us really needed him he would be there for us. (fingers crossed we never need to find out)

TattyTeddy

Irritates the crap out of me but it's just the way some people are

crazymonkey

a friend of mine was suposed to meet me on sat 4th of june to go on the piss, when he did not turn up at the time arranged i rang him and he said he wasn't going to make it, fair enough i thought, but on sat last i went to pub without him (did not hear from him all week), So later on in the night the comes in mouthing off about how i didn't pick him up on the way to pub, (live in country so was driven), at first i thought he was haven a laugh but as he got drunk, he started 2 get agressive with me in the night club, saying i let him down and that we were sopused to look out for each other, i know this f****r for yrs now, and this is not the first time, so deleted his number from my fone and though good riddens... i now think think he is just a user,,,

mad m

crazymonkey wrote:

a friend of mine was suposed to meet me on sat 4th of june to go on the piss, when he did not turn up at the time arranged i rang him and he said he wasn't going to make it, fair enough i thought, but on sat last i went to pub without him (did not hear from him all week), So later on in the night the comes in mouthing off about how i didn't pick him up on the way to pub, (live in country so was driven), at first i thought he was haven a laugh but as he got drunk, he started 2 get agressive with me in the night club, saying i let him down and that we were sopused to look out for each other, i know this f****r for yrs now, and this is not the first time, so deleted his number from my fone and though good riddens... i now think think he is just a user,,,

Taking you for granted is not good either,some people hey.

Kell

Steveire wrote:

we have a laugh when we all go out, and it's not exactly very inconvenient to meet up either when i make a little effort.

So what are you complaining about then?

My best mate never calls, rarely texts, and rarely speaks, however we have been best friends for 15yrs with me being the complete opposite. Why are people so obsessed with talking all the time?

K-

koneko

Why does it bother you? Do you want to spend more time with him, or do all your friends need to check in with you every day/week? What is it really all about?

Like Kell, I don't understand being obsessed with talking all the time, but I'm probably one of those people that doesn't keep in touch very well. People are different, I guess, not everyone behaves the same way.

WhiteWashMan

im probably one of those people.

i have loads of friends.

i get on with my life, they get on with theirs. we try and look each other up when we can, otherwise, we continue with our lives.

being friends does not mean you have to live in each others pockets, know everything about them and get a daily update on them.
being friends is about enjoying time you spend together when you meet, and sharing good memories of times gone by.
its not about making sure they call you, becuase you left 3 messages and no you have the hump (even though they have been abroad for the past week). its not about putting some stupid ultimatum on people to do and act as you would like them to.

for me its about being comfortable and happy and having a relationship over many years.

just because i dont talk to someone for a year, does not mean they are less of a friend, and just because they dont contact me, does not make them any less of a person in my book.

however, when you meet up and you find that people have moved on in life and have changed so much, then there is some rediscovery that needs to happen. and sometimes you decide you dont really want to be friends anymore. and sometimes, you become better friends.

if anyone phoned me up and demanded my friendship or go away, id tell them to cop on, ask them what drugs they are on, and then find out if they had any friends left after that sort of behaviour.

skywalker

secret_squirrel wrote:

One of my best friends is like this. Never answers the phone, too tired/lazy to come out. Says he's gonna come out then never bothers. Gets paranoid if we all go out without him.

He's getting worse tbh - if he wasnt one of my oldest friends I would drop him like a stone. Having said that I think there is still something there of the friendship worth preserving and worth making a little effort for. It doesnt cost me much but the odd phone call. I think if any of us really needed him he would be there for us. (fingers crossed we never need to find out)

Ive a friend similar. One of a close group of a couple of friends. He will regularly just turn off his phone & be completely uncontactable for weeks at a time. Wont reply to any messages etc. For no aparent reason. Once, to see how dedicated he really was to being uncontactable, one of the lads left him a voicemail, sounding grave and saying he had "big news" & needed to talk to him urgently. I think he got back to him about a month later.

Thing is when hes looking for you he will ring you repeatedly till he gets you. It can be annoying at times, & you find yourself bitchin to the others about him occaisionally. Tbh though, hes the nicest guy in the world and we normally just make a joke about it with him, about him having a double life as a secret agent. I know if I really needed him for something (& I could get a hold of him) he would be there for any of us.

shellby

out of all my mates i was the first to move out i never went college where as they did and i started full time as soon as the leaving was over i find it difficult to keep in touch with my friends but if they ever called needing something i'de do all i could to help i don't believe friendship is reliant on how much time you spend together but how you spend your time when you are together i've lost mates because they didin't see the point in only seeing me once a month they had absiloutely no idea how difficult it was for me and no consideration at the end of the day it turned out they weren't friends at all.

if this person just seems to use you then say goodbye but if its a genuine friendship i really don't see what the problem is

secret_squirrel

skywalker wrote:

Ive a friend similar. One of a close group of a couple of friends. He will regularly just turn off his phone & be completely uncontactable for weeks at a time. Wont reply to any messages etc. For no aparent reason. Once, to see how dedicated he really was to being uncontactable, one of the lads left him a voicemail, sounding grave and saying he had "big news" & needed to talk to him urgently. I think he got back to him about a month later.

Thing is when hes looking for you he will ring you repeatedly till he gets you. It can be annoying at times, & you find yourself bitchin to the others about him occaisionally. Tbh though, hes the nicest guy in the world and we normally just make a joke about it with him, about him having a double life as a secret agent. I know if I really needed him for something (& I could get a hold of him) he would be there for any of us.

Maybe its the same friend :eek:

You've hit the nail on the head - must be a personality type.

Jonny Arson

To be blunt honest if someone doesn't reply to you whether it be a phone call, text message or e-mail they are rude and are not worth the hassle. I have gone through this type of scenario so many times in my life and simply if anyone has been like this to me, it is because they have very little interest in building on a friendship and effectively want you to piss off. Unfortunately so many people are like this and are all wrapped up in their own lives they couldn't give a fyling f*ck their mates. Move on from people like these. Concentrate on building friendships with people who have an interset in building friendships and not people who only have you around when it suits them.

Quantum

Kell wrote:

So what are you complaining about then?

My best mate never calls, rarely texts, and rarely speaks, however we have been best friends for 15yrs with me being the complete opposite. Why are people so obsessed with talking all the time?

Truly !!!

That deserves to be printed out on a wall in a gallery somewhere - PRICELESS !!!

LOL

Amazotheamazing

How desperately needy are you?

Steveire

secret_squirrel wrote:

Maybe its the same friend :eek:

You've hit the nail on the head - must be a personality type.

Hehe, That's what i was thinking.

skywalker wrote:

I know if I really needed him for something (& I could get a hold of him) he would be there for any of us.

Yeah, this is why he's a friend worth having.

Thanks for all the replies. I've got from this thread exactly what i wanted from it. My conclusion is that so what if he seems to slip out of the group, it's more likely forgetfulness like this:

CatInABox wrote:

First up, if someone texts me asking me to go out, and I'm doing something else, I generally wont reply, it just saves on the credit(I'm a cheap student)

Second, I'm forgetful, See the text, Read the text, Decide to reply to text in 5 minutes, Forget all about text. Sometimes it annoys the hell out of me because I do want to go out and forget about it until its too late.

Third, I hate phones, really shy on them even with friends and family. I'll answer if some one calls, but will rarely call someone. I'd prefer to send a text, but then see my second point.

So i guess i'll just continue as before. Cheers