give me some advice...

derek27

i was married once, separated 3 years, had a son who lives with me.
problem is this. i have no problem meeting girls, but i'm honest and so i tell them about my past/present on a first date. after that it seems they no longer want meet up again. they seem to be very taken aback by what i tell them because i'm only 27 and am considered to look about 22, so they never expect to hear that i was married or had a son.

so i'm asking... do you think i should keep my details to myself until i get to know a person better, or do you think that they might just get mad at me for not telling them about it in the first instance. advice from men and women would be appreciated.

thanks

grimloch

You might ask here or better to ask a mod to move it for you.

_blank_

Maybe grow a beard, then they mightn't think you look so young.

Anyway, on a first date, is that not a bit much info to be volunteering?

Should this not be in PI?

Probably one of those things to mention early enough.

If they get freaked about it, its their problem. It probably wasn't going work out anyway. Whats the point finding that out later rather than sooner?

Eoin

seansouth wrote:

Anyway, on a first date, is that not a bit much info to be volunteering?

Totally agree, unless she asks or it comes up naturally in conversation then don't bring it up. There is a difference between lying and not disclosing everything.

Not that your past is bad in any way, but there just isn't any need to tell everything on a first date - it could be the fact you do this, rather than what you are actually telling women that may turn them off you. There are things that just don't need to be brought up at this stage.

And before the silly responses flood in, this should be moved to P.I.

Easily_Irritated

eoin_s wrote:

Totally agree, unless she asks or it comes up naturally in conversation then don't bring it up. There is a difference between lying and not disclosing everything.

Not that your past is bad in any way, but there just isn't any need to tell everything on a first date - it could be the fact you do this, rather than what you are actually telling women that may turn them off you. There are things that just don't need to be brought up at this stage.

And before the silly responses flood in, this should be moved to P.I.

the man is right^^

cmcquaid

eoin_s wrote:

And before the silly responses flood in, this should be moved to P.I.

as if we would give any silly responses

seamus

Just a small suggestion - if the women you're going out with think you're on or around 22, perhaps you need to date older women, around your own age group, to get the more mature female?

Ida

If I was on a date with you and you told me this info in a big "there's something you should know" kinda way then I would surmise that you had some issues with it. And because of that I would probably prefer you go and sort them out and then get back into the dating world. Prospective partners don't need to know everything about you or your history on the first date - it will all become clear in time. First they want to get to know you on your own, then all the rest of your stuff. So, unless it's asked - don't worry about it.

Eoin

cmcquaid wrote:

as if we would give any silly responses

forgive my cynical heart

smileygal

Definitely say it early but not day 1, and then you won't have to worry about when to say it.

Also, what may be off-putting might not be the child, but how civil things are with its mother & why the marriage broke up. Not asking you why in your case, by the way, just a general statement. World War 3 relations with the ex-wife is off-putting to say the least.

derek27

well i have dated older women as well with the same kind of response. to answer some of the points that were brought up by all of your replies... i dont just come out and say it to them at the earliest possible chance... i wait until they ask me about family to which i reply about my brothers, sisters, parents, and then i think it would be me hididng things if i didn't mention my son when talking about my family. after mentioning him, i feel its only apt to mention where my son arose from and bring up that i was married. i have custody of my son, and my exwife and i have a good friendship: (she lives in a different town from me) and she visits him from time to time. i'm not in the slightest bit tied down with my son, as i moved back to m parents house in order to ensure i got custody for his benefit, so he lives with them too... they insist that i go out and enjoy myself and not to worry too much about my son. my marriage was a complete and utter stupid mistake... a fact acknowledged by both myself and my exwife. would you suggest that not disclosing that i had been married at an early stage would be a good or a bad idea? the marriage was meaningless and dissolved within a short period of time. perhaps if i didn't mention that too early it might not seem oh so messy to a person when i'm telling them the critical details.

WhiteWashMan

why would you start to omit things about yourself just to get another date?
if someone is not interested in you once they find out you have a child, do you think that attitude is going to change much over the course of 3 or 4 dates?

personally, i think, that ifs in your nature to tell things and to be like that, then go with it, and at some stage you will find someone who likes you for the whole package, not just part of the package.

Beruthiel

OP - I am a divorced mother and have always been totally straight with any bloke I met.
My opinion is, it’s right to tell them your situation in order to be honest and also, why would I waste my time with someone who in the long run, is not interested in a single parent?
There is no point lying or leaving information out, at the end of the day, you only want to be with someone who wishes to be with you no matter what your circumstances are. Personally, I have never had a problem with being straight with anyone. It certainly did not faze my partner.
I would suggest you stay the way you are, eventually the right one will come along.

Femelade

Beruthiel wrote:

OP - I am a divorced mother and have always been totally straight with any bloke I met.
My opinion is, it’s right to tell them your situation in order to be honest and also, why would I waste my time with someone who in the long run, is not interested in a single parent?
There is no point lying or leaving information out, at the end of the day, you only want to be with someone who wishes to be with you no matter what your circumstances are. Personally, I have never had a problem with being straight with anyone. It certainly did not faze my partner.
I would suggest you stay the way you are, eventually the right one will come along.

i totally agree
i too am a single mother, i always tell the guys i meet my situation at the start. i feel if i didnt tell them straight away then if things progressed into a reltionship , then i tell them and then they could freak out that i didnt tell them at the start.

there is no point starting a relationship with some1 who would clearly be uncomfortble with u being a single father.

i say, tell all on the first meeting/date. they might run away, they might stay, who knows!

Fysh

If it comes up naturally, don't shy away from it. The fact that you're honest about it is a good thing, and if someone else chooses to see your honesty as "baggage" then it's their problem.

That said, you don't have to bring it up yourself at the first chance - but definitely answer the question if it comes up. I'd suggest the same approach for questions about your marriage.

Citizen Jake

Fysh wrote:

If it comes up naturally, don't shy away from it. The fact that you're honest about it is a good thing, and if someone else chooses to see your honesty as "baggage" then it's their problem."

That's a good point. If you keep being honest then you stand a better chance of weeding out the messers from the more genuine possibilities. About being married once and having a son, it's not something to make a point of early on, but if asked be honest and check their reaction.

I think, if anything the fact that you were married, have a son, got divorced, obtained custody and still manage to be on reasonably good terms with the ex-wife suggests to me that at least you are a well rounded, mature individual not afraid to shoulder his responsibilities and appear to have jettisoned ongoing 'issues'. That's a strong selling point in your case. A mature, wonderful woman who appreciates such aspects will see you for who you are.

That you are 27 and have done all of that is interesting, also the fact that you seem to have no problem meeting the ladies. Keep it up, be honest and sort the wheat from the chaff. You are still so young and have lived. I'm a 32 year-old bloke and have had none of those experiences and I marvel at how much you have achieved. I'm sure it wasn't easy, but you are still so young. You should be proud of yourself.

derek27

thank you all very much.
i have read what you have had to say.
when i posted that, i only expected 1 or 2 people who were genuinely willing to give me their advice. i expected a good few to only take the piss out of me, but i would have filtered them out anyway. i'm grateful for your feedback and i will take all of your opinions into account. i can deal with most of the many aspects of life quite well, but i found myself asking questions on this issue, and am thankful for your responses. i'm new to boards.ie, but now i know that i have a place to talk about issues, and i only hope that i can be there for somebody else that may have questions that i might have advice on.

well, i will continue along my path, and if they dont want me for one reason or another, then i dont want them either. i am still young i suppose. if anyone here needs any advice about getting married, i might be able to give you an insight.

thanks.

any other opinions on my initial post will also be read and taken into account.

best wishes to all of you.

BEAT

Derek,

I agree with what WWM and Beruthiel have said. You should never feel you have to omit certain info about your life to get a second date. Infact being straight forward on the first date will ensure that you are weeding out the right ones
You only want to be with someone who likes you, the whole package I think someone mentioned...and letting them know you are raising your son is a big part of your life so it should be something that is brought up right away.

Now as for all the women being turned off, are you saying anything that would give them the idea that you and your ex might get back together? a woman wants to know they are your interest and not second to your ex. By telling them how good of friends you are and that she comes over every now and then that may make some girls unconfortable at first because they may get they idea that...hmmm he may still have feelings for her or vice versa and no one wants to get in the middle of that.
I'd say that when talking about the ex a simple, things ended well between us should do. Let her get to know you before saying anything else about the ex.

Now about your son, he is your #1 priority so talking about him a lot is a good thing. Dont spend the whole date talking about him ofcourse but as he is #1 in your life its nice to let the woman know that When you meet the women who respects you for that and likes that about you...you found the right one.

I never dated a guy with kids before but its a part of life isnt it...everyone I know has kids. So I dont see how it would be a complete turn off...especially if you have chemistry with a person.

Goodluck!

derek27

LATIN BEAT wrote:

Derek,

I agree with what WWM and Beruthiel have said. You should never feel you have to omit certain info about your life to get a second date. Infact being straight forward on the first date will ensure that you are weeding out the right ones
You only want to be with someone who likes you, the whole package I think someone mentioned...and letting them know you are raising your son is a big part of your life so it should be something that is brought up right away.

Now as for all the women being turned off, are you saying anything that would give them the idea that you and your ex might get back together? a woman wants to know they are your interest and not second to your ex. By telling them how good of friends you are and that she comes over every now and then that may make some girls unconfortable at first because they may get they idea that...hmmm he may still have feelings for her or vice versa and no one wants to get in the middle of that.
I'd say that when talking about the ex a simple, things ended well between us should do. Let her get to know you before saying anything else about the ex.

Now about your son, he is your #1 priority so talking about him a lot is a good thing. Dont spend the whole date talking about him ofcourse but as he is #1 in your life its nice to let the woman know that When you meet the women who respects you for that and likes that about you...you found the right one.

I never dated a guy with kids before but its a part of life isnt it...everyone I know has kids. So I dont see how it would be a complete turn off...especially if you have chemistry with a person.

Goodluck!

thats good all round advice latin beat. my thoughts are much clearer in my head now. much appreciated. hope you have a lovely day.
derek