Needing some1

Trustful

Hi guys,

I am so unhappy. It is really getting worse by the day.
My last relationship ended around turn of year which was my fault and ever since i feel my heart is breaking slowly. I still and always will love her but have realised that its over. We dont even talk anymore and like you all know it hurts so so much to go from 1 day to sharing intimate thoughts and feelings to not even being able to say hi to the person.

But i am not wallowing over her day after day. I am living my life and doing most things i did when i was with her. But i have realised i cannot live alone - not literally on my own in a house but without a relationship. I have so much love and feelings and time that i want to share, that i need to express but i have to have some1 to share it with ...
Ok i suppose it looks like im looking for a girlfriend and i am. I am 24 this month and i know my birthday will be so lonely. Sure my family will send cards and all but even my housemates as good mates as they are, they wont understand.
There is a line in a film - "why is it that i have to fall in love with every woman that shows me any kind of time". i feel like this. i feel like anyhting i do i cant get out of this place im stuck in.
I want to settle down and have kids and express the love i have - it doesnt have to happen in short term but i need some1 soon otherwise i might lose the will to live. that sounds extreme and i dont mean it to be .. but its the way i fell.
Just wondering if any1 else feels same way or any advice comments etc about my situation.

~~~~~~~~~~

Femelade

hey,
believe me i understand what u mean.
i feel the same, i was mad about my last boyfriend, but things didnt work out.we didnt break up on bad terms really, after we finished i txted him to say that at least this way we didnt have to avoid eachother and we could still be on talking terms(he's local and i know him years), he didnt reply and he completely ignored me in the pub at the weekend,very childish.
but i know what u mean, i feel like i always have to be in a relationship which isnt very healthy thoughts, cos i hate being on my own.
i'm sorry i dont have any advice, seeing as we are on the same boat.

disillusioned

i feel for you man but don't give up hope, you're much too young for that.
do you have single friends? if so you need to get out every weekend and go on the pull - flirt and be merry! expect nothing and just have some fun, you never know who you may meet.

koneko

Don't let relationships define who you are. It's great being with someone, but if you aren't happy or secure just being you, and being on your own for a while, how will a relationship work out?

It is *such* an unhealthy state of mind you're in, have you considered working on whatever is making you unhappy? Surely being in a relationship doesn't make you who you are, if you aren't happy, then there must be underlying reasons. I'd suggest counselling.

JMArr

Well if its any consolation Trustful I'm in the exact same boat as you....and I'm sure there's thousands others in the same boat as well..maybe millions around the world who knows ! I broke up from a 2 yr relationship with a great girl around january..gone from living together and spending most of my time together with her to being on my ownsome and I know the pain your talkin about big time . ... I totally know what you mean about feeling like you cant live alone without a relationship ... sometimes I think I'm slowly going insane..(tip:just try not to have conversations with yourself ).. in my opinion feeling this way is just part of the transition period out of a relationship ..its totally natural to feel that way cos you dont have someone to talk to ,share things + laugh with like you used to ...recognise this and recognise that it will pass with time.the longer the relationship the longer it will take to adjust to bein single again. time is a great healer as they say.

also grieving over someone is necessary so if you haven't really grieved hard over the break up do it and get it out of your system. then my advice after that is practical stuff ..you now have a lot of free time you used to spend with the girlfriend and now maybe there's a gaping hole. you should try to fill it doin stuff you enjoy with friends...you're young dont forget that ..my advice is spend your best years single man .there's plenty of time for relationships down the road .

Also Koneko has a very good point - I dont think it would be good to get in another relationship on the rebound.
can I ask how long ye were goin out and why ye broke up? ..it might help giving u some more advice.

annR

I know it's hard to think your way out of these things, but be good to yourself, get out there and do some hilarious stuff which you will only be able to do in your twenties. You need to have some fun rather than rushing into another relationship.

OttoVonBis

>My last relationship ended around turn of year which was my fault and ever >since i feel my heart is breaking slowly.

Why exactly did your last relationship end if you dont mind me asking?

Trustful

Thanks for the words ...

I dont really want to go in to what i did as i am totally ashamed of it.
I do have friends, single friends etc. who i go out with and am very socialable to be honest its just i cant get it out of my head.

Lol .. i want a hug ... ok i know how realy lame that sounds but its those kind of small things are getting to me and eating me up inside.

Just seems everything has gone downhill since it happened and i want to get my life back on track but everything seems to be going against me and it dont help.

Like last week i was really broke and was supposed to go to work and on the way my car which i only have a few months breaks down and i had to call work say i was not coming in and then pay 600 to get car fixed. i can claim 600 back but will take few weeks.
this is just an example .. everything just does not help. I used to have a couple of really really close friends who i could share ANYTHING with but we have all moved to different places and although we keep in touch and everything i cant share the same things with them and i feel i have no one to talk to about little things ....

sorry for babbling on, it helps just getting the thoughts out there

Beruthiel

you sound like you are still wallowing in the past, that can drive you mad if you keep it up.
As it is in the past, there is nothing you can do about it now – see it for what it is, learn from it and decide that it’s time to move on and get started on the rest of your life.
Remind yourself that you will only live once and make an effort to do whatever it takes to make it a happy time.
Take up a hobby or join a club

annR

I know it's hard but try to think positive. I'm not criticising, but you will *not* get your life back on track by dwelling on thoughts like "everything seems to be going against me". You will make it true, believe me if you keep thinking that way.

You're having a hard time, but it will pass. Time does goes by and you will find a way of coping. Don't despair. Praying can help even if you aren't religious - I know that sounds daft but it does help.

There are lots of troubled people out there, you're not alone, just human. Try to look on it as a phase in your life that you will be all the better for when you come out of it, and you'll look back and find it hard to remember how unhappy you were. Be as positive as you can and things will move on.

I was in the same type of situation and I took a good look at my life. Is there something else that's making you unhappy - be honest. Maybe there is something else you need to deal with to change your situation and move on. If there is some other obstacle you need to acknowledge it and deal with it in order to give yourself a chance.

BaZmO*

Yeah it just sounds like your are wallowing in self pity, which in fairness, if you say you are looking to get into a relationship is not the most attractive of attributes in a person. Saying things like your car breaking down is somehow linked to everything going wrong for your is silly. Sh1t happens. That's life, you just have to get on with it.

I also get the feeling also that the reason you're in this state is because of the reason you split up with your ex "I dont really want to go in to what i did as i am totally ashamed of it."

I reckon you just feeling guilty about what you've done and you're feeling sorry for yourself.

B.

nesf

Why do people have such an issue being single?


you are perfectly capable of leading a happy and productive life without having a significant other to prop up and validate your existance for you. Yeah it's nice to have someone there, but it is not necessary.

As the posters above said, get a hobby, fill the void in your life left after breaking up with her.


Get on with your life and get over her. Not that this is easy or something that can happen overnight, it can take time. But wallowing in self pity, torturing yourself over your past will only suceed in making you feel bad.

You are the one who is making yourself feel so bad right now. Get your head around that and it's that bit easier to pick yourself up and move on. It's not easy, but few easy things in life are worthwhile.

She-Ra

there are soooo many people that are single after long relationships.. the older you get the more history your gonna have. i'm 24 next month, have had one huge relationship and a few small ones and although i sometimes think 'aw i'd love a hug' or too curl up on the sofa and just watch tv with somone, i know i'm still young, there's a hugeplace outside my door to see and of course there is saturday nights out with my ither single friends... which are proving to be the most fun i've had in a long time!

enjoy whatever life throws at you... you'll only have a world of regret if you dont at least try

Prior Of Taize

Femmy wrote:

he didnt reply and he completely ignored me in the pub at the weekend,very childish.

Two things....1---> thats a typically female response.......and 2---> he found a way to deal with it...i suggest you do the same

crazymonkey

Take ur time, dont rush into anything, i was in the same boat, broke up with a girl of 5 yrs (who i am still great friends with) about 12 mths ago, thought that was it, 6 mths later i met some1 else but that only lasted 4, 1 mth as i still loved my ex, now in the last few wks i have met a new girl from another country althought living ere, i met her totally unexpected and couldn'd be happier, Give it time it will work out 4 u as i did for me,

Radsl

ah jeez, get over it. stop being such a wuss, there's plenty of ppl like you. get on with your life like everyone else does, meet as many new people as you can and good times will return

MojoMaker

Trustful wrote:

There is a line in a film - "why is it that i have to fall in love with every woman that shows me any kind of time". i feel like this. i feel like anyhting i do i cant get out of this place im stuck in.
I want to settle down and have kids and express the love i have - it doesnt have to happen in short term but i need some1 soon otherwise i might lose the will to live.

These feelings are a function of your low self esteem. Being emotionally insecure, as you are, makes you extremely emotionally needy - a particularly nasty form of the proverbial viscious circle. The only way to break the cycle is to become content with yourself first (btw easier said that done I realise). Until this transformation is achieved you will not be able to maintain any intimate relationship, even if you manage to strike one up.

Sorry, it's harsh I know, but better than you wallowing around thinking you're "unlucky".

Girl.1

I think you need to go out and enjoy youself with your friend , give yourself time to recover you'll get over it, just cos you met someone new won't guarantee you happiness, wait a while and then you'll be laughting at what you wrote.... we've all been there..

CaptainPeacock

Sounds to me like you've let women turn you into a pussy. Celibacy will harden you up. Give it a year or two and you'll be made of marble.

nesf

CaptainPeacock wrote:

Sounds to me like you've let women turn you into a pussy. Celibacy will harden you up. Give it a year or two and you'll be made of marble.

Celibacy might be going a bit far, but yeah a year or two of being single and finding self esteem on his own could do the OP a world of good.

Being single has it's own advantages also

mayordenis

here buddy you have a lot of things written there that sound like something i might jot down,
i dont have any advice really sorry bout that,
just keepin puttin up with it for now, knowing someone will come along.

pookie pixie

Am in same position (happened same time of year too)...but you know, after hours of blubber, reems of writing and alot of reading, i came to a conclusion....a broken heart on the mend in intensive care should not be tampered with....any woman who gives you attention and you fall for it is bad,just bad.Why?Because you're using them as emotional plasters literally to cover up open wounds.You have to deal with it,vent it somehow.Im only over the whole fiasco now and ive realised we're good people apart but he actually made me realise i have more to offer as a person alone then with him.I mean the second we broke up i started writing again,my college grades went up because i went in more often and im volunterring 5000 miles away with the most amazing people for the summer.....and if we hadnt broken up where would i be??For you,take my advice re falling for other girls,do something you'd never do like a parachute jump for charity or something to look forward to and take care of your heart,for it is the most precious thing of all.Im not religious but god is good and believe me the fact you're dealing with it is something to be proud of,just getting to the end of it and truely being happy again is the achievement

ARGINITE

Am in the same position, happened the same time of the year as well.
Still not over it in the least bit, cant seem to stop thinking about her.
Really taught I had found the "one". So it came as quite a shock when she told me that she wasnt in love with me any more one evening, so a number of months on and im still in love with her.
Any advice on how not to be in love with her?
(OP sorry for jacking your thread)

Son_of_Belial

Woah that's all pretty intense! OK, like AnnR suggested, the first thing you need is a Positive Mental Attitude. I don't care how you do it but for goodness sakes get all that bad karma out of your system. Wallowing in it makes it a damned sight worse, believe me. You say you broke up with this girl "at the turn of the year" so it was what, January? Dude... It's June... honestly... Being single is fun! I'm newly single very recently, I'm talking a couple of days here. I'm meeting a girl I scored a while back on Wednesday. Christ, is any girl worth moping away 6 months of your life?! When you're single you can do what you want, be with who you want, you're your own boss! I don't know what else to say to you buddy except just get out there and pull yourself together. You should be having fun, not moping! There are so many girls out there to choose from, dammit, even answer a classified ad on www.everything.ie or somewhere else. Hit the pubs and clubs, Miss Right isn't going to just land in your lap. Also join a local club or society where you can meet other people who has your interests, also (anyone else here agree wth me?!) libraries are notorious as spots to meet someone. I started seeing a girl about a year ago who was sitting beside me in the library and it all started when I asked if I could borrow a pencil! You've got to help yourself man.

CerebralCortex

Trustful wrote:

Hi guys,

I am so unhappy. It is really getting worse by the day.

Better to have loved and lost then never have loved at all.
Dude think how I feel I've never had a girlfriend. My life at the moment is loneliness you can let it get you down I don't (I wish).

CCCP^

I'm no good at lending advice or taking it for that matter but i share some of your experiences. The thing is as i see it, your feeling alone, insecure and unhappy because your no longer in a relationship, because you were used to there being someone there and maybe having an outlet for your feelings, and you havent gotten over your previous relationship. Unless you grow to be happy alone, you'll simply be enter another relationship and using it as a bandage for your wounds, and it'll get messed up too.

Take some time out to decide how you want to continue - needing somebody and being at their mercy .... or being on your own and happy to be, relying on yourself and becoming an emotionally stable person who will be capable of beautiful relationships. Does that make any sense? no...ah well.

Dizzyblabla

See, the thing is, you probably had the same "bad days" when you were with someone, but then you had someone to talk to about it, now that you don't have her anymore, it's harder to deal with day to day things, I know what this is like too...
It's just over a year since my ex and I broke up, and although I got over it quite quickly, I still to this day have lapses where I think I miss him or that I need someone... you never need someone, ya, it's great to have someone, but the minute you need them, I think it puts alot of pressure on the relationship...
Go out, enjoy yourself, kiss lots of girls, and don't worry about not calling them even if you said you would, live your life, don't spend it wallowing in self pity and never feel like you're alone, there's lots of us out here, and you know how to find us!

Son_of_Belial

Dizzyblabla wrote:

See, the thing is, you probably had the same "bad days" when you were with someone, but then you had someone to talk to about it, now that you don't have her anymore, it's harder to deal with day to day things, I know what this is like too...
It's just over a year since my ex and I broke up, and although I got over it quite quickly, I still to this day have lapses where I think I miss him or that I need someone... you never need someone, ya, it's great to have someone, but the minute you need them, I think it puts alot of pressure on the relationship...
Go out, enjoy yourself, kiss lots of girls, and don't worry about not calling them even if you said you would, live your life, don't spend it wallowing in self pity and never feel like you're alone, there's lots of us out here, and you know how to find us!

Hear, hear! I'll tell you an embarrassing story about me though on the whole "kiss lots of girls thing! It's good for a giggle...

There was this one girl I kissed and we swapped numbers, all that sort of thing. Well we were going to meet up the following weekend then, she was with her friends at the time and I was with mine. Well between the jigs and the reels I didn't bother showing up or texting her again. I mean, I was having a laugh with my mates, she was with hers, I thought "Ah, sure I won't bother." Well I ran into a group of mates a few weeks later in the Buttery (I'm in Trinity) and there was this girl sitting there I'd never met in my life. She's throwing me evil looks so I was getting kind of uncomfortable, and next thing she says "You're ****, aren't you?!" (Where **** is my actual name). So I was like, "Yeah, how do I know you?" She blurts out "Remember xxxx, who you scored that night and then never called? Well she's my best mate, and she's on her way here now so I suggest you get out of here fairly sharpish before she does, either that or you'd better apologise to her!" I excused myself to the people in the group I knew and left fairly quickly! Sorry to hi-jack your thread OP, but it's an example of the fun and games that await you!