how to say your sorry

LegacyUser

I was a bit of a stalker to a girl I was mad about a good few years ago (early 90's), sending letters, cards, flower etc when it was (now) obvious that she didnt want this intense attention

I didnt mean to upset her but I did and although I have thankfully moved on and I have matured it is something I feel ashamed of and would like to say I am sorry.

But if I do I worry that I would upset her again. Should I say sorry or should I just let it go.

BTW this isnt a plan to open up contact with her again it the motive of getting somewhere with her or anything like that, I am in a very happy relationship and just feel remorse for what I did in the past

MaddyDv

The fact that it is nearly a decade on and you're still thinking about this girl is a bit odd to say the least. I'd say she's forgotten all about you, maybe you should try forget about her

kasintahan

Are you absolutely certain of your motives?

arbeitsscheuer

As Kasintahan said, are you really sure that your motives are as clear-cut as you think?

Oh I'm sure you feel remorse and regret over how you acted and, yeah, maybe you truly do just want to apologise to this girl and nothing more...

But... Why?
#1 She's moved on, and there's no reason to dredge up the past - It can only hurt her. She's got on with her life, so should you.
#2 You say you've moved on... But as MaddyDv said, this was years ago! Why do you still contemplate it and worry about making amends?
#3 If you don't want to redeem some kind of relationship with her, there seems to be little point in this, unless you still see her occasionally and there is a bad atmosphere between you...

My advice would be to leave it mate. Put it behind you, and get on with life.
Good luck

WhiteWashMan

it sounds normal to me. people often get these little hang ups about things they have done many years ago.

if its what you need to get closure, then i say go for it. but dont lie to yourself that if there are other reasons.

personally, there are many people i would like to say im sorry to for many different things. probably things tha they cant remember and have no impact on their lives, and yet i still carry around a little wedge of guilt about something stupid done 10 years ago.
do it, you will feel so much better, and shes probably happily married or something now anyway!

nesf

What WWM said, closure is important.

Maybe something non-intrusive like a letter or a phonecall. Just one mind. Approach this (if you decide to do it) as a once off communication, not something that will develop into anything else.

LegacyUser

I think the conventional approach is to say it with flowers

simu

Yeah - just one thing! Send her a fairly sober, unromantic looking card or something. Don't try to give justifications for why you acted the way you did - just give a simple apology.

Esel

Who would benefit if you got contacted this girl? You (maybe, by feeling 'better' ).

Who would definitely not benefit? Her. You would be making her dig up a load of bad memories.

IMO, apologising would just be selfish.

BuffyBot

TBH - Leave things well enough alone. Move on.

nesf

esel wrote:

IMO, apologising would just be selfish.

Few things people do aren't selfish.

It really depends on the person involved. Some people would appreciate the gesture, some would freak out at it. And others couldn't care less.

*shrugs*

simu

I had at least one of those over-enthusiastic pursuers in the past. I'm thinking that once a fairly long segment of time has passed, a simple apology will do no harm. However, if you went as far as breaking the law when stalking OP, I'd leave things be and forget about it.

Miguel_Sanchez

She will think you're trying to get back in touch with an eye to more.

And if you're honest with yourself that's probably a small part of why you're doing this.

Leave her well alone I'd say.

nesf

simu wrote:

I had at least one of those over-enthusiastic pursuers in the past. I'm thinking that once a fairly long segment of time has passed, a simple apology will do no harm. However, if you went as far as breaking the law when stalking OP, I'd leave things be and forget about it.

Got a text recently from a past "pursuer" of a few years ago.

It was nice, it wasn't an issue that bothered me still, but it was a nice gesture.

Still, I was a little freaked when I saw the number attached to the text before I opened it tbh.

seamus

Jeff_Lebowski wrote:

She will think you're trying to get back in touch with an eye to more.

It's possible to word it in such a way that she wouldn't think that. However, it would be better to know how his advances affected her. If they upset her (to the point of others getting involved, police, courts, etc) then I'd leave well enough alone. No point in dragging it back up to ease your conscience.

However, if it all appears quite harmless now, but a little freaky, then a small plain, unromantic note of apology, explaining why you feel the need to apologise. No contact numbers, no "Please tell me if you forgive me" requests, nothing that would otherwise indicate you want her to contact you or that you will continue to contact her. If you can do it without finding out where she lives/works, e.g. by giving to a mutual acquaintance, all the better.

LegacyUser

honestly i'm not looking to start anything, i'm just looking to apologise.

it wasnt stalking to the point of getting courts or cops involved, it would be a phone call a week, a card at valentines and birthdays and xmas, stuff like that

then a small plain, unromantic note of apology, explaining why you feel the need to apologise. No contact numbers, no "Please tell me if you forgive me" requests, nothing that would otherwise indicate you want her to contact you or that you will continue to contact her

i like this idea, thanks..

annR

How would you say sorry? Do you still have her contact details?

WhiteWashMan

esel wrote:

Who would definitely not benefit? Her. You would be making her dig up a load of bad memories..

ah you know her then, and she has talked about this to you and told her this.

what?
you mean she hasnt?

you mean this is just your opinion on what she would say? interesting, becuase you make it sound as if this is what the reaction would definately be, when you actually havent got a clue if it would or not.

i think you dont know, and you should probably say you dont know.
god forbid, the guy wants to get something off his chest. what makes you think the chick would get upset about it.
i had a 2 mail conversation with an ex of mine last year, where i apologised to her over a bad break up after she moved country to be with me and i kicked her back to ireland after 2 weeks.
she wasnt distressed to hear from me. in fact she was engaged, had a nice home and was very happy, and she was happy that i got in contact and said sorry, and she knew where i was coming from. i think we both got some closure from that. i havent spoken to her since, and i dont want to.
sometimes, people like to say they are sorry, and sometimes, people like to forgive.

Victor

If it got to the point where you upset her, I suggest you talk it out in confidence with someone else.

---

I think I was like this in the era of 16-21 with a few different girls / women. Some incidents were possessive, maybe even stalkerish, but not criminal. The problem was I just didn't know how to relate to women and treat them like human beings. Most were girls I had crushes on, but couldn't say so out of shyness, one was a girlfriend I couldn't let go of when she started going out with someone else.

A couple of weeks ago I felt reality guilty when I remembered feeling up this drunken 17-year-old's boobs while we were dancing at my cousin’s birthday. It took me a moment to realise (a) I was 16-17 at the time (b) it was half a lifetime ago (c) that’s what teenagers do (d) she demanded to dance with me (e) she wasn't objecting (in fact seemed quite happy) (f) brushing your forearm briefly against the side of her breast isn't really feeling her up.

WhiteWashMan wrote:

sometimes, people like to say they are sorry, and sometimes, people like to forgive.

Sometimes people obsess and don't know how to let go and their demand for forgiveness is actually a demand for acceptance.

Zulu

Best thing you can do is leave her alone. Chances are you'll just remind her of a bad thing. Who likes that?

mayordenis

well if you really are sincere it'll probably be fairly obvious make sure not too say you'd like to become friends just make it known that you really are sorry and that all you want is for her to know that and if possible forgive you.

annR

I'm serious .. .if my ex-boyfriend contacted me now I would not feel good about him even still having my contact details after all this time. It would mean to me that he hadn't properly let go.

MicraBoy

A symbolic gesture might work. i.e. write an apology, and get it all off your chest, but instead of sending it to her you could burn or bury it.

That way you won't upset her and may find some relief. Personally I usually find telling someone else what you did and how bad you feel helps (you've already done that here)

Remember that if it was the early nineties, she may well have completely forgotten about this and think you are a bit up yourself to think she is still bothered about it. In which case all you will serve to do is make her remember "that freak" she knew 15 years ago.

isolde

an ex of mine did some freaky stuff after we broke up and we didnt talk for about 2 years after that. then he emailed me to apologise for what he did. at the time i think he was so self-obsessed and basically so mad at me that he didnt see that what he was doing was screwed up. but the apology did touch me, and made me see that maybe we did have something worth remembering after all, but that it had just been tainted by his actions following the break-up.

so i think sometimes its nice to get some closure on these things, and maybe contact isnt such a bad thing.

however, that said, i *stupidly* gave some random guy my (real) phone number last week in a club, just to get him off my back, and now he keeps calling. and calling. and calling. think im gonna have to change my number.
sometimes contact is a *really* bad thing

Talliesin

Leave it.

Maybe if you should happen to meet her somewhere by chance (not engineered) say "I was a bit of an asshole back then, sorry", but otherwise leave it.

Fysh

Unless it's someone who you regularly have some sort of contact with (eg through mutual friends) I don't see the point, really. I understand you want to atone for whatever it was you did that upset her, but it seems to me that this is more about you putting the whole episode behind you than anything else. Which is fair enough, but unless mutual friends have suggested that some sort of apology would help the girl in question get over it I'd avoid the notion.

I think this may be something you have to come to terms with on your own. Given what's happened, you aren't really entitled to expect anything from this girl. It probably seems hard to just move on without any easily identifiable boundary, but you can't be sure that an apology would provide closure for you, never mind whether it would be distressing for the girl.

*Sassy*

I'd be inclined to think it's better to leave well enough alone in this situation. I'm still not entirely convinced that you're being honest with yourself about your motives. In fact, I'm almost sure you're not!! But I obviously don't know you from Adam.

If my ex contacted me now, I think I would be pretty freaked out that he was still thinking about me. Although I think he probably does as I broke up with him very badly and it was pretty messy.

I think that unless you were causing her a lot of distress there is absolutely no point. If you were just sending her things on birthdays and other special occassions it's not a big deal.

In fact, the more I think about it, the more I think you'd be making a huge mistake by contacting her now. She'd probably be completely freaked out.

LegacyUser

I do not agree with esel, yes you may be called gready by other people, but I can tell just by there comments if they are male or female. know if your modives are not because you still feel atraction for her and you just simply regret what you have done than I would said give her one rose with a formal card saying Sorry, for what I did 10 years ago. that is it. know this message has several advantages. 1st if it does sture up bad memories it shows that you have them to and you are sorry. 2nd if she has forgotten and moved on she will be pleasently surpriesed and might forgive you . . agian (but you will feel better) 3rd, if she is still harbering hate for you then if she actually is a worthy girl she will find it harder to be really mad at you, now I kid you not this does not mean she will not be mad at you. know for the forth and hard part and not really an advantage, if you mad a promise to her and you broke it, and that is what made her made in the first place, well I dont know.. I would say you are just out of luck I know I am in that department. on lighter news dont send a rose unless it is her favorite flower. send something nice but not romanic in any way, just one or maybe two is very inportant! do not send more you may wish to send more so that the amount represents how sorry, and if you are like me you will get caried away. simplicity is your strongest bet

stovelid

Few dozen bunches of flowers should do the trick mate. If she doesnt acknowledge them, start phoning her on the hour.

ex-stalker wrote:

I was a bit of a stalker to a girl I was mad about a good few years ago (early 90's), sending letters, cards, flower etc when it was (now) obvious that she didnt want this intense attention

I didnt mean to upset her but I did and although I have thankfully moved on and I have matured it is something I feel ashamed of and would like to say I am sorry.

Bluetonic

stovelid wrote:

Few dozen bunches of flowers should do the trick mate. If she doesnt acknowledge them, start phoning her on the hour.

I'd say the OP is delighted to get this advice 1 year after posting!

b3t4

[edit] Thanks Bluetonic, I never even noticed the date on the first post. Here's to letting sleeping threads lie[/edit]

Well, what I think is the following:

I think you should leave the past in the past and leave well enough alone.

I had a guy who was overly keen on me and I do not want to here from him again. This girl could be the same. I'd also be freaked that this guy still has my contact details and is still bothered to the point that he is getting in touch with me again. Any more contact you make with her is more contact she didn't want with you in the first place.

If you still want to make contact in three months then do it, otherwise forget it.

A.