problem sister

jrey1981

I'll try to keep this as brief as possible and hope people may have some suggestions or advice from their experiences.

My sister is 33 and living at home. She's been here the past 5 years, on the dole, generally doing very little, doesn't help out at home and causes trouble, stress and arguments the whole time.

She doesn't get on with my step-dad or my mum and there are arguments daily about the smallest of things. These often turn physical through frustration on our part, I'm sorry to say.

She isn't capable of rational discussion and often talks in the third person, lies or makes up things eg says she's doing a degree course and doesn't bother her backside.

Up until about 5 years ago she was working in the UK and doing ok, and she has worked in Dublin and for 3 months in the US and travelled a fair bit. We know she didn't really get on with housemates and had a few bad experiences with guys she went out with. She also had a crush on her boss and he didn't want to know which didn't help.

She's making the lives of my mum, brother, stepdad and myself a misery. My brother, stepdad and I stay out of the way as much as we can just to avoid getting into an argument with her. My mum looks after my grandfather so is tied to the home alot meaning that my sister is always around her and seeking attention or causing arguments.

My brother is nearly 19 and hasn't been at school for the past 12 months or so, and won't be taking his leaving cert. Due to my sister being the way she is he gets little attention from my mum and when he does it's often criticism like why doesn't he get a job, what's his plan for the future, etc.
I worry about him alot and have tried to help but at that age I know what it's like so I try and give him space.

My stepdad is pretty fed up and occasionally says he'd just like to up and leave. He and my mum have been married 20 years now so it's unlikely but it's not nice to hear him threaten it.

My mum and stepdad are hoping to get away for a week's holiday in July but are not happy leaving my brother, sister and I at home as they're afraid of what might happen.

My sister needs some kind of help, possibly psychiatric - my mum and stepdad threaten to 'kick her out' or 'get her committed'. Sadly that is how bad it is - we just can't live with her. She won't listen to reason and is not open to rational debate, she's very arrogant, ignorant and argumentative.

We've all done our best to talk to her calmly and get on with her, but it always ends in argument. It's not doing her any good as we're supposed to be the people who she can count on to help her but despite doing our best we can't get on with her and she won't make an effort to get on in life.

I recognise she has relationship problems, is attention-seeking and even has psychological factors like disassociation and she also sees any even calm request to do something as someone trying to control her - her father (and mine) who my mum divorced has probably done the most damage, as he wouldn't let her have her friends round when she was little and control her. He also used to hit my mum and argue with her which my sister witnessed.

I realise divorce can damage a child and I think the failure of my sister's relationships, and not having a stable male relationship with our father or stepdad is a factor.

Essentially she or we need some help. If she stays I fear she might end up being kicked out by my stepdad and mum and at the end of the day she's still my sister and I would hope she would get the help she needs. Does anyone have any advice or have they been through anything similar? Sorry this is so lengthy.

Con9903

thats quite a pickle. I admire your control and tolerance. If I had a sibling like that then they would be out on their arse. I don't see how you're going to get her any help as she doesn't sound like she will ever cooperate. In all fairness you shouldn't have to put up with that ****. She needs a reality check. Maybe getting kicked out might wake her up.

Victor

Sounds like some family therapy / mediation is in order. Someone outside the family may be able to get a better perspective and be accepted by all as an independent advisor without the family luggage.

Has your sister had medical / psych intervention before?

Oryx

Im about the same age as your sister, and I know if I was still living with my parents Id be going out of my mind with frustration/guilt/shame at not having achieved anything in my life by now, so I kind of feel for her. That said, I dont have to live with her. It sounds like she needs serious help to get out of the rut she is in so she can begin living as an independent adult, and I think this has to come from outside the family as ye are all at each others throats and sick of the situation. Maybe medical help is the first thing to do, to treat any depression or instability that might be there, and work from that to getting your sister what she wants to achieve? Hopefully someone is close enough to your sister to suggest getting help.

jrey1981

Thanks for feedback so far people. We are a very tolerant, easy-going family and my mum and stepdad generally have the patience of Job, 99% of the time.

As for getting help for my sister, how do you help someone who doesn't think there's anything wrong with what they're doing, how they act and live, has no shame and who doesn't believe they have a problem or need help?

She's not open to reason or gentle coercion / suggestion most of the time and can come out with all kinds of arguments which frustrates us, that's when she's not going of on other tangents or talking in the third person.

At the moment, she has agreed to stay somewhere else when my parents go on holiday, although we are practically expecting her to change her mind at the last minute, at which point I don't know what will happen.

Medically speaking my sister was diagnosed as a PKU (low protein diet has to be adhered to due to an inability to break down protein due to a lack of enzyme), but she was diagnosed at 6 months old whereas I was at a few days old. This could have affected her mentally and thus be contributing to her lack of understanding, inability to reason coherently alot of the time, etc. (this may have manifested itself like when she'd been jobhunting and a recruitment agency said they'd put her forward for a job and she thought they meant she had got the job)

The thing is again, she won't be helped. We often ask ourselves is it just down to her attitude and personality and this is just the way she is.

She is very insecure and paranoid about being 'tested on' or used for 'research' and psychiatrists 'messing with her mind'. There is no way she'd agree to outside help.

You can see the hell we seem to be in and she seems to have condemned herself to. Obviously we would like her to get back to a normal life...

I realise and know of people with far worse and life-threatening problems, so in that perspective this isn't so bad, but it is affecting my family and basic things like being able to take a week's holiday after 18 months without one...

nesf

I'd agree with Victor. Therapy both for your family and her would only be a positive step. Medication, well that's for the doctors to decide. She does sound like she has issues that need dealing with though.

Maybe a dose of reality would do it, or she might need specialised help, it's impossible to tell really.

Getting her to see a therapist is the hard part. Badgering her into going will not work. She might make one or two sessions but if she goes in with resentment for being there she will not be happy and will not make progress.

You will probably need to bring her around slowly to the idea. Get her to talk to some people who've had therapy/medication and seen it help them.

Life is harsh, but the reality is, that no amount of therapy or drugs will help her if she is not willing to help herself. This cannot even begin until she realises there is a problem.

The "healing" will have to start with her. If she isn't helping herself then she won't get better. Even a negative attitude can negate any benificial effects of medication or therapy.

I know from personal experience that it took me a long time to realise this and start helping myself, but in the past 7 months I've made more progress than in the last 8 years of therapy/drugs. It might be a situation of waiting for her to realise this, or getting her to start with a counciller or self help group. A non-invasive therapy would be the best to start with if she's hostile to it. This might mean her starting with confiding in you or another sibling and slowly building up to getting professional help.

This won't be a short process, but it is worth every second of it.


I hope the above can help.

Victor

jrey1981 wrote:

I realise and know of people with far worse and life-threatening problems, so in that perspective this isn't so bad, but it is affecting my family and basic things like being able to take a week's holiday after 18 months without one...

She isn't functional and this is threatening the functionality of the family. That is enough to warrant some intervention.

Linoge

This isn't gonna be much help but my sister is somewhat similar. I've checked it out before and its called Borderline Personality Disorder. It can be triggered by events (such as parents getting divorced) and predominantly affects women. Check it on google anyway, might give you some answers.

Victor

Linoge wrote:

I've checked it out before and its called Borderline Personality Disorder.

I'm not sure if we are qualified to make a diagnosis on that.

jrey1981

I read something about it recently myself actually and I did wonder. Thanks for all the suggestions everyone anyway.

I don't think we're any nearer to helping my sister, but we can but try.

astec123

Could be a case of OCD. She just needs the security of the home. I would agree that she either needs to be thrown out or a shrink called in to help. She wont listen to the family as she has ill feelings towards them and has lost her trust. I would advise calling a shrink and seeing what they say. See if they could call out or better yet bring all of the family to a session and work things out.

jrey1981

My sister has come back from a weekend in London where she allegedly went to see U2 and now claims she's 'married' to her 'husband', someone we've never heard of and have never met. She says 'he lives abroad and we live apart'.

She was also taking my grandfather's medication the other day claiming it was 'muscle relaxants', she then said it was 'like E'. These are antacid things which my grandad takes to help his digestion...

Cue more arguments between her and my mother

I think I'll need psychiatric help soon, the rest of the family probably will as well...

Next installment soon!

*Page*

wow your sister sounds just like mine.

we had to get her therapy. and medication. she had a chemical imbalance. which sent her lu lally.. She seems to be coping now.

best bit of advice is get her checked out!

Shabadu

She wasn't diagnosed as having Phenylketonuria until she was 6 months old? She could have lost like 50 IQ points in that time. I'm not saying it excuses her behaviour, but it goes a long way to showing how she could have gotten this way. She could be bordering on mental illness.

jrey1981

Page, we'd like to get her checked out but she wouldn't have it...how do you get someone help who is adamant that there's nothing wrong with them? I agree that chemical imbalances could be part or all of the problem...

Shabadu, yes she had IQ testing when she was younger and she did have problems in a few areas. She may have not kept to her diet when she was living away from home in UK which would exacerbate the problem - we realise this is the situation and yes she is bordering on mental illness now...if you read above, I think I wrote that she did hold down various jobs for about 9 years and did ok, travelled, etc.

Again, we'd like to get her help but she wouldn't agree to seeing anyone. I think my Mum is going to talk to our family doctor when she can, but I don't know if she'll be able to help that much if my sister herself won't co-operate

Thank you both for your comments.

Victor

jrey1981 wrote:

Again, we'd like to get her help but she wouldn't agree to seeing anyone. I think my Mum is going to talk to our family doctor when she can, but I don't know if she'll be able to help that much if my sister herself won't co-operate

If your sister is as ill as you say, things can be done for her own safety. GP is the first palce to start.

bug

to be honest, my initial reaction was that you should move out...and get away for your own sanity.

A childhood friend of mine had a sister like this. God she was crazy as hell. I was afraid to go around to her house and used to cringe when she came into the room. She was violent, prone to irrational outbursts, and always bull**itting about makey up things that she'd hadnt done. She attacked me on the road one Saturday night for no reason, and she was built like a tank which made her scarier.

You didnt have to be a psychiatrist to see that there was something seriously amiss.

In the end with her, everyone moved out and got married and she was left on her own.
until she finally decided to get up and get out herself.

In your case I would get someone to commit her. Get her into somewhere similar to St. Pats addiction unit. Not suggesting for one moment that she has a dependancy but somewhere of a similar style, like a little hotel, where they take note of medical problems and have staff who can watch diets. A kind of half way between a hotel and an asylum. Pats also has many group meetings where they sign you up, as far as I can see just to show you that their are other people worse off than you...I dunno.

You cant make her go to the doctor but your mam could go and ask the questions. Where? How? and what to do.

If all fails move out. Sorry but you can only try your best and you cant torment yourself for the rest of your life. Offer your support when she realises theres a problem.

jrey1981

Again, victor and bug thanks for your comments. My mum is going to see the GP as soon as possible. I hope it's soon.

We had another tete a tete this evening. I would move out if I could, bug, but I'm struggling financially, so it's easier said than done.

Souperfreak

Jesus, you are really in a sh**e situation. I feel for you.

IF the GP doesn't give great advice try www.healthhub.ie, new website offers information on where to find all types of doctors by county and village. That may help you get a therapist for your sister. I know you said she wouldn't willing go but maybe you and your mom could talk her into it. Or some sort of family intervention.

If that is just not an option at all you should look into having her involuntarly committed for psychological anyalsis. If your whole family stand up and say she needs it then they will do a work up on her without her permission.

The other way is if there are minors in the house then you can say they are a direct threat to wellbeing of the minor. But the youngest in your house is 19 right? So that may not be a viable option.

Good Luck, keep posting!

Son_of_Belial

Damn! And I thought my sister was cracked! Heck, she's positively normal compared to yours! Hmm, she's married huh? Yeah, I don't believe that either. St. John of God's might be a good idea, and unfortunately people can't really be forcably taken away any more by men in white coats... Basically you need to take a hard line. Give her no quarter for her bullshït. Assert yourself and back up your mother or whoever she's attacking at that moment. If she physically attacks you, bloody well call the police and have her charged with assault! She'll be forced to have a psych evaluation then! You're going to have to protect your little half-brother and do something about this woman. Stand up to her. Firmly. Don't give her any lee-way whatsoever. If or when she reacts with physical violence, call the Gardaí and have her charged. People keep talking about "giving her a dose of reality," it doesn't get more real then that. She'll have to be checked out whether she likes it or not then. I'd even go so far as to deliberately provoke her into attacking you. Don't raise a hand to her yourself, just tell her what's what and when she snaps, it'll be the dumbest thing she'll have done in a while.

Victor

I think you're being a bit harsh there.

People can still be involuntarily committed, all it needs is the signature of two doctors.

Provoking someone into attacking you isn't very bright and outside the home is considered "conduct likely to lead to a breach of the peace", an offence in itself.

jrey1981

I'll check out healthhub when I get a chance...
I don't think getting the Gardai involved is a good idea - we might end up getting done for assault. I'm sorry to say we've all hit her in frustration. There is no need for us to provoker her into attacking us as she does it anyway when arguing and getting hysterical.
As Victor suggests, getting two doctors to sign an involuntary commital might be the only solution, I'm sorry to say.

Last night's argument turned physical and there was a still-hot iron in the middle of it. I felt terrible all evening and most of today - I just couldn't face the world - after hitting my sister so she didn't attack my mum.

Today we had another crisis as my grandfather fell and broke his shoulder and hip resuliting in him being rushed to hospital in an ambulance with my mum. So we're all upset about that and me and my stepdad had to go up to the hospital later on to get her.

What happens when we get back, my sister starts on us saying 'I know what really happened, Grandad's been beaten up.'

'Who beat him up then?' my mum asked

My sister didn't answer but implied it was one of the family. She's burst into tears, understandably several times...asked why Grandad wasn't lifted up onto the bed (when he was lying there on the floor of his room unable to move) and coming out with all sorts of other nonsense.

My mum especially will be stressed with hospital visits now (she's had this before when my gran had cancer) and is upset and worried, so it ain't getting any easier...

Thanks again for all comments.