Is it unreasonable

LegacyUser

Is it unreasonable to ask my girlfriend very nicely to wear certain clothes every so often? Not often, say once or twice a month? She's kinda conservative, and I'm more liberal. She tends to wear jeans and cotton 'sweat' tops all the time and plain flat shoes, nothing too exciting really, safe and plain. I'm not looking for her to be dressed whorishly or skimpilly, just something a little sexier and upmarket. I'd definetly like to see her in high heeled boots (not even stilettoes!!), she could even wear her trousers over them, but she is totally against the idea. I like it as it's sexy, fashionable and womanly.
She doesn't like alot of what I wear, so I try and please her by wearing stuff now and again that she likes, even if it's uncomfortable and I don't like it.
She bought me a pair of jeans the other day and darn they are uncomfortable, they are a little tight around the ass and crotch area's, but she likes them as they show my ass well. Sacrificing comfort for fashion!
I bought her a long (past the knee) suede type skirt the other day, but she more or less said she wouldn't wear what I wanted, just what she wanted and felt comfortable in - BUT IT'S ALL SO CONSERVATIVE!!!!

I can see someone is going to say, you should accept her for who she is, but that's unreasonable, relationships need to be worked at and you give and take. I try to please her by wearing stuff she likes, should she not do the same, even a little bit? I could live with it once or twice a month.

*Page*

ok my bf had this problem with me not so long ago but it was because all i wore was plain black slacks black tops and every now and then a sparkle of red. so i let him bring me shopping. i went to the changing room and i let him pick out what ever he wanted me to wear!.. after 5 hours he bought me a pair of black pin stripe slacks said sorry for wanting to change my style(now understands most bright colours look silly on me).

she wears the clothes for a reason! she likes them she feels happy in them why go fixing something if its not broken!!!

Beruthiel

Mr. Guest wrote:

I can see someone is going to say, you should accept her for who she is

yes
that would be me
I for one would certainly tell you that

but that's unreasonable, relationships need to be worked at and you give and take

when it comes to who's turn it is to wash the dishes or where you are going for a night out... not when it comes to deciding what she wears.

I try to please her by wearing stuff she likes

that is your choice then

should she not do the same, even a little bit?

not unless she wants to

as for her buying you a pair of jeans you didn't like, why did you not just tell her they were uncomfortable and you were bring them back for an exchange?

LundiMardi

No it's not unreasonable to ask her if she would wear certain things, but if she says no then just leave it at that. However it works both ways so don't go wearing anything to satisfy her.

LegacyUser

Well it is you who is going out with her, you decide what you like about her and what (if anything) you dislike.

You can tell her you'd prefer her to dress differently, if she says no you can either accept it and move on OR leave her because she is too conservative.

There is no other option really.

Oh, and stop wearing clothes you don't want to if she buys them.

Talliesin

Mr. Guest wrote:

Is it unreasonable to ask my girlfriend very nicely to wear certain clothes every so often?

No, but if she says no it's unreasonable not to accept that answer.

LegacyUser

Beruthiel,

I know what your saying and where you coming from. I don't force the issue with her, I clean, I cook, I get up on a saturday morning at 7am, when I'm not in work, and take the train in to work with her and then meet her later and go home with her. I like to think I'm kind, caring, mostly understanding, easy going etc. She doesn't like videogames (they are an important way to unwind for most men), I'm lucky if I get 30mins in a week now. We get on very well with each other and I do love the girl, but I just wish once in a blue moon she'd be a little more adventurous with what she wears. I'm happy with classy not slutty. I've changed quite a lot for her, I honestly don't think I'm asking much.
If she really really doesn't want too, then I will leave it at that, I'm not going to fall out with her over that, but I didn't think it was a lot to ask. I haven't asked her to change anything about her, just that, and it's not like it's an everyday thing, just once in a while. I know what I really like, and it would be nice. As I've said, you give and take in a relationship and I've given a lot, is it so much to ask in return?

Pink Bunny

I'd wear something different if my bf asked me, as long as it wasn't trashy or slutty looking. What's the big deal? When you go out with someone you do your hair and makeup to look attractive them, it's the same with clothes.
The only reason I can think of is maybe she doesn't like her figure and likes to hide in jeans and sweat tops? I'm all for keeping true to yourself and your own style, but come on, that just sounds like she's being difficult and there's more underlying problems than the clothes.

Beruthiel

Pink Bunny wrote:

What's the big deal?

the big deal is she doesn't like what he wants her to wear

LegacyUser

Hmnn I dunno, she has large-ish feet, she's a size 8, but she has a really attractive figure, she's tall and slim, a size 12 I think. I tell her often how wonderful and caring and funny etc she is, and she likes that alot, but anytime I tell her she's beautiful or sexy she doesn't take the compliments as well, she rolls her eyes alot. I'm not seeing her through rose tinted glasses, she has an attractive figues and she is very pretty, so what's the problem with taking compliments?
Maybe your right bunny?! Maybe there is some deeper underlying problem, I just don't know. Everyone is crazy about her, and guy's she knew always seemed keen to meet and talk with her, but she told me that no-one ever told her before that she was pretty or beautiful. I was surprised, but I like to tell her alot now.

Pink Bunny

I understand that, and I respect everyone here for their own view points. I guess what I mean is that I can't see why it's such a big deal to her. Clothes are just clothes, to me. If she likes to just wear jeans all the time, fine, I live in jeans myself. But if he asks her to dress nicely "once or twice a month" I can't see the harm in it and it seems a small thing to ask.
Relationships are about give and take and sometimes (unless something is harmful or humiliating-which his example are not) it's nice to do something simple like that to make someone else happy.

Altheus

I think that subtlely is the key here.

Its okay to not like the conservative clothing your girlfriend wears, and just want to see here a little bit more dressed up.

For her, is it a comfort or a confidence issue? This is important, because by even wearing something slightly sexy, your open to a whole new world of criticism.

My suggestion is not buy her clothes, but find out what clothes she does like, what stuff she already has that you like, and encourage those. Compliment her style, and perhaps when you're shopping, go hover around a section or a top you like. DO NOT MAKE A RECOMMENDATION. In my experience, the mere suggestion is enough to put them off.

This is a issue of the person, or an externality of the person. It's an issue with the person sense of style and fashion, which I, personally, would put up there on a level of importance with facial/air hair, hygeine and all the other factors I use to judge a 'sexy' composite.

That said, do you want her to look sexy for you, or for her? If you want her to look sexy for you, then maybe it's more the underwear/bedroom department you should be going for. If it's to impress your mates then it's wrong road. If it's for her, then find out if it's a confidence issue. If it is, help her through, if it's not, you just have to accept it as who she is.

simu

Well, I would be annoyed if a bf kept telling me what to wear but then again, I usually look pretty good if I may say so myself!

As someone else said, you can make a few suggestions but if she turns these down you'll just have to accept it. And have fashion sense as a factor in the game the next time you're in the market for a gf.

Heels, especially, are a hard thing to get a girl to wear because some just can't walk in them! Try suggesting short heels - 2 inches or less - instead as these are as easy to walk in as flat shoes.

LegacyUser

Simu- it's not just heels (though it would be nice), it's just clothes in general. I don't mind her dressing conservatively, it doesn't bother me so much, really, it's just to dress up in something a little more interesting and 'current' once in a while. I don't want it to be an everyday thing, I'm not that selfish!
I don't tell her what to wear, I'm almost happy with what she wears, I just asked once or twice if she'd wear something a bit nicer once in a while.

Altheus made some interesting points and was pretty helpful. My girlfriend mentioned a good while ago, before I ever asked her anything, we were in a clothes shop and she was saying she'd love to wear the clothes she was looking at if she didn't have such big feet and she wasn't so fat (she's skinny for gods sake!). I nearly fell over- she'd wear this stuff!!! That's kinda what's so annoying, she said she'd wear clothes like this, but if she were smaller! So close and yet so far!

BTW- when your a guest it takes ages for your posts to be approved!!!!!!! Hmnn

Trojan

What Altheus said.

Contrary to what some of the girls have said (and the gender divide seems to be marked on this issue), I don't think it's all that unreasonable, depending on how you go about it.

damn her!

Any person in a relationship should be able to ask the other half anything... it's called good communication.
Of course,your girlfriend also certainly has the right to refuse anything she's not comfortable with.
Maybe you should bring up the point with her that you try to compromise and occasionaly wear things she likes you to wear. I've often found that if you tell a partner you feel there is a particular double standard in the relationship, they are more open minded about trying to solve the problem. I think in most cases, they don't originally realise there is a double standard.

Once again though, it is totally her decision. All you can do is express your feelings and hope she'll be more open to it in the future.

angeldelight

Yes relationships have to we worked at etc but why would you want to make her uncomfortable? Which is obviously what chaging her clothes is going to do to her. It's ridiculous imo that you're wearing tight uncomfortable jeans just so you can say look I'm doing what you want, so you should do what I want... You've asked, she's said no so back off

Trojan

Ridiculous that a guy wears tight uncomfortable jeans once in a while? I don't think he's wearing them so he can say "tit for tat", but because she likes them.

And if I had a euro for everytime I've seen girls wearing tight uncomfortable shoes on a night out I'd be sipping cocktails on a beach somewhere instead of replying to this thread.

meditraitor

My EX-girlfriend had that problem

Dinxminx

I spend most of my life in baggy trousers and loose tops but whenever we go out or every once in a while I dress up for my boyfriend-- not because he asks me to but because I want to look nice for him and I want him to find me attractive. More than once I've found myself feeling stupid or like a complete fraud, all dolled up, but it's worth it when he tells me I look gorgeous (even if I look totally ridiculous, coz looking "good" just isn't my style...)

Also whenever he asks me to wear something in particular (not at all often but it does happen) I make him wear something in particular-- tit for tat. So I suggest you stop wearing what she likes on you-- just wear what you're comfortable in. Maybe dress like a slob. Maybe then she'll realise both of you have to make an effort for each other.

Trojan

Hah, I like Dinxminx's suggestion. A few cheap trackies from Talbot St. and you're sorted.

BossArky

I don't like the fact that people would judge you by what you wear, i.e. club dress code, etc. So fake. It is like when you are out some evening and you meet some fellows wearing suit jackets over jeans. What are they trying to proove? Do they pump petrol during the day time and have to pretend that they are classy at night-time?

Back on topic, I think you and your girlfriend should both wear whatever makes each of you comfortable, it your body and your decision. Wearing things that you aren't comfortable with can really affect your confidence.

Dr. Loon

Does she wear disgusting Granny underwear also?

Trojan

BossArky wrote:

I don't like the fact that people would judge you by what you wear

you meet some fellows wearing suit jackets over jeans. Do they pump petrol during the day time and have to pretend that they are classy at night-time?

That tripped my hypocrite detector.

simu

Mr. Guest wrote:

Simu- it's not just heels (though it would be nice), it's just clothes in general. I don't mind her dressing conservatively, it doesn't bother me so much, really, it's just to dress up in something a little more interesting and 'current' once in a while. I don't want it to be an everyday thing, I'm not that selfish!
I don't tell her what to wear, I'm almost happy with what she wears, I just asked once or twice if she'd wear something a bit nicer once in a while.

Altheus made some interesting points and was pretty helpful. My girlfriend mentioned a good while ago, before I ever asked her anything, we were in a clothes shop and she was saying she'd love to wear the clothes she was looking at if she didn't have such big feet and she wasn't so fat (she's skinny for gods sake!). I nearly fell over- she'd wear this stuff!!! That's kinda what's so annoying, she said she'd wear clothes like this, but if she were smaller! So close and yet so far!

BTW- when your a guest it takes ages for your posts to be approved!!!!!!! Hmnn

Oh dear, it sounds like she has body issues then and that it's not just a case of not having gone shoping for new clothes in ages. If it's a really deep insecurity, maybe she could do with counselling (then again, it's not really worth it unless her lack of confidence is damaging other aspects of her life apart from her wardrobe imo). Or maybe it's just a failure of the imagination - in that case, you need to get her to see herself in a better light - maybe you could give her a make-over and/or a make-up session in a department store as a present or something.

dudara

This sounds really weird to me. It seems like she has other issues. All us women want to look good occasionally. Never mind wearing good clothes for our menfolk, dressing up does us the world of good.

Why doesn't she want to? Another thought that comes to mind is how you ask her? Do you suggest, or are you one of these men that thinks a straight out criticism/blunt statement is a suggestion? I'm just saying you might want to reconsider your approach, but even so, I'd ask why she's so reluctant in the first place

LegacyUser

Hi Dudara,

I wasn't blunt at all, I was really nervous about asking her, as I didn't want to offend her, or generally make her feel bad. I was really quiet and soft spoken and I asked, I didn't suggest.
I dunno I think I might have to take Dinxminx's suggestion and just not wear the stuff she wants me to wear, a subtle approach I hope. I'm not going to force the issue, but I'll see what happens. There has to be a bit of give and take, she can't expect me to wear the stuff she likes, and not do the same.

What is all this 'body issues' and 'confidence issues' stuff? Lots of girls just don't feel comfortable in tight or sexy clothing, myself included. If I had bigger boobs and more shapely legs I probably would wear lower tops and shorter skirts but I don't. It's not that big of an issue. If your girlfriend would not feel comfortable in what you want her to wear why make her? Loose clothing is very comfy. I used to wear tightish jeans and high heeled boots every day cos I liked the look of them but at the end of the day it was quite uncomfortable so lately I've been buying hoodies and loose cargo type pants. The only time I really make an effort to wear skirts and makeup is when I go out. It's just too much work trying to wear nice stuff every day IMO. Even if your girlfriend isn't that confident about her body, she is the same as most girls I know. You can try asking her again and maybe pointing out styles you like in magazines or on TV but if she doesn't like them you can't force her to wear them.

Altheus

In response to Mary Lemon Racism, read the OP's second post.

I'm no sure if the best way to approach this situation is to make her feel she's been pressured into anything.

Take time out when you in private to admire her, and let her know how you feel about her body. This sort of thing may seem obvious, but sometimes people need assurances.

Like I said before, whatever clothes you like on her the most, go out of your way to compliment.

Don't make it strange, but make sure to let her know how good you think she looks, regularly. Stay away from any possibilities where she's going to think, "She's prettier than me." or "I'm too fat for that.". This will just make her revert further into her conservative state.

Give it time, and see if she'd be interested in 'private' clothing, as this can be a great way to give her the confidence she needs to start being seen publicly outside of her zone.

I think the problem is that she's found her zone, and she's lost between not wanting to conform with the ideal of pretty, but at the same time wanting to be able to wear some clothes. She just kops out somewhat and stays in her comfort zone.

This is fine so long as it doesnt manifest itself in other outlets, but you may have inadvertantly found some much deeper problem.

Subtlety is the key, no counselling, not yet anyway.

simu

Mary Lemon Racism wrote:

What is all this 'body issues' and 'confidence issues' stuff? Lots of girls just don't feel comfortable in tight or sexy clothing, myself included.

Well, he seemed to be talking about stylish clothes rather than blatantly sexy stuff. A person can stand out from the tracksuited masses and look a bit stylish no matter what their body is like if they pick the right clothes.

Sleepy

How about taking her somewhere really posh for dinner / to the Opera or whatever a couple of times a month where she'll dress up of her own accord?

DoctorEdgeWild

I think it's totally unreasonable to ask a person to wear anything other than what they want to. With the possible exceptions of a yellow bib/y front combination at a funeral.

Seriously though, unreasonable imo.

Bluebells

Think of it this way, if you are fashionable, like to dress smart and your girlfriend asked you to dress in tracksuit bottoms and tatty tshirt it mightnt be a big deal for you. But its not the same for everyone. I know someone who was terrified to try on a skirt incase someone saw her (they always wore trousers).

Some people have worn the same clothes for so long they are scared to try anything else and takes a long time for them to get used too them. Maybe she wears certin shapes or colours to cover up things about her self she see's as flaws.

You say you do all these things for her, but presumably you do them because you love her, not because you expect things in return.

Dont expect to change someone. If she says no theres not much you can do.

LegacyUser

Well thanks for all the feedback folks, it was certainly very helpful and insighful. It is interesting how some people, in particular Altheus are quite objective and insightful- I got some good advice from you, many thanks.
It is funny how other people don't read the post properly, perhaps they just read the first few lines and are bulling to reply. In that respect I'm looking over at Mary Lemon Racism, I'm not looking for my girlfriend to wear this stuff everyday- that's not her style and that would be asking too much, just occasionally, when we go out somwhere. She wears the same everyday clothes even when we go out.
I wasn't looking for her to dress downmarket, or anything hugely tight or revealing. Simu hit the mark when she said that I was thinking along the lines of more stylish than sexy.

Many thanks again all.