Cartman quotes

carpocrates

Chef: Children, uh, what's the one thing that's more sacred to a man than anything else in the world?
Stan: Uh, bicycles?
Cartman: Ham?
Kyle: No, not ham, you fat ****!
Cartman: Screw you! It's ham, isn't it?


Cartman: I'm not fat! I'm festivally plump!


Cartman: Hey! I'm taking my pig and ... screw you guys, I'm going home. This whole idea's stupid anyway.
Kyle: What the hell would you know you fat sweaty Mongoloid, you never get higher than a D.
Cartman: Hey! Why don't you go back to San Francisco with the rest of the Jews?
Kyle: There's no Jews in San Francisco, you retard!
Cartman: I'll kick you in the nuts!

Cartman: Okay, old people need to be quiet now.


Mr. Garrison: How would you like to go see the school counselor?
Cartman: How would you like to suck my balls?
Mr. Garrison: What did you just say?!
Cartman: Oh, I'm sorry (Clears throat and pulls out megaphone), actually what I said was, "How would you like to suck my balls, Mr. Garrison?"


Kyle: Wow! That's a lot of seamen, Cartman.
Cartman: Yeah, I bought all that I could at this bank, and then I got the rest from this guy Ralph in an alley.
Stan: That's cool.
Cartman: Yeah, and the sweet thing is, the stupid asshole didn't even charge me money for it. He just made me close my eyes and suck on a hose.


Cartman: It's a man's obligation to stick his boneration in a women's separation; this sort of penetration will increase the population of the younger generation.


Mr. Garrison: Does anyone know what sexual harassment means?
Cartman: When you are tying to have intercourse with a special lady friend and some other guy comes up and tickles your balls from behind.

Cartman: Respect My Authority!


Cartman: I would never let a woman kick my ass. If she tried something, I'd be like, HEY! You get your bitch ass back in the kitchen and make me some pie!



Cartman: You so much as TOUCH kitty's ass, and I'll put a firecracker in your nutsack and blow your balls all over your pants.
Stan: Jesus, Cartman.
Cartman: Well, I'm just sayn', man, seriously, don't mess with kitty, man.

Cartman: Maury, I am out of control. Yeah, I use drugs. I can do what I waunt, biatch! Yeah, I have sex, and I don't use protection! It's my hot body; I'll do what I waunt!

I don't go to school and I kill people! What-evah! I'll do what I waunt!


Cartman: Okay, Token, give me a sweet bass line.
Token: I don't know how to play the bass.
Cartman: Token, how many times do we have to go over this? You're black. You can play the bass.
Token: I'm really tired of your racist views on this.
Cartman: Well then, get tired of them after you give me a bass line!
Token: (Plays the bass expertly) Oh, Goddammit.

Cartman: How 'bout we sing, 'Kyle's Mom is a stupid bitch' in D Minor.

Cartman: I made you eat your parents, I made you eat your parents, I made you eat your parents. *licking on kid's face* Oh, your tear's are so sweet. Oh, yes. Let me

taste them. Such sweet pain.

Cartman: Now stop wasting Mel Gibson's time, you little pussy prick.
Stan: Don't take that tone with me, kid. I'll kick your ass.
Cartman: Yah. Well, I'd like to see you try. I'm, like, 6 feet tall.
Stan: Yah. Well, you sound like a little bitch to me.
Cartman: Bitch! Don't call me bitch, bitch!
Stan: Bring it on then, bitch!
Cartman: I already brung it, bitch. I brung it, opened it, and set it on the table, bitch.

Cartman: Shut up - you ****ing jew!!
Mr. Garrison: Eric, did you just say the 'f word?'
Cartman: Jew??

Cartman: Well, I looked in my mom's closet and saw what I was getting for Christmas, an UltraVibe Pleasure 2000.

Cartman: The poor kid passes it to the Jew, the Jew shoots. He misses! Proving once and for all that Jews cannot play hockey!
Kyle: Shut up Cartman! Your body is bigger than the goal!
Cartman: No, I just have a sweet hockey body.

Cartman (singing): I want to get down on my knees and start pleasing Jesus. I want to feel his salvation all over my face.

Cartman: If some girl tried to kick my ass, I'd be like, 'Hey. Why don't you stop ... dressing me like a mailman ... uh, and making me dance for you ... while you go
and ... smoke crack in your bedroom ... and have sex with ... some guy ... I don't even know. On my dad's bed.
Stan: Cartman, what the hell are you talking about?
Cartman: I'm just saying you're just a little wuss, that's all.

Cartman: Handle it? For two billion dollars I could handle my Grandpa's balls dude.

Cartman: Butters will give hand jobs in the corner for a dollar.
Butters: Sure! I'm good at all kinds of jobs.


Cartman: Shut up Kyle! Shut your Goddamn' Jew mouth! You're the reason that there's war in the Middle East.

Cartman: Kyle, I swear to God, if I didn't have a guy's hand up my butt right now, I would leap across the room and kick you in the nuts.

Cartman: Alright. Look. I didn't want to have to say this, but I think maybe we're not seeing heaven because one of us doesn't believe in it enough.
Kyle: Huh?
Cartman: Heaven could be like the pixie fairies of Bubblegum Forest. You only see them if you really believe in them.
Stan: What?
Cartman: You know, maybe we're not seeing heaven because one of us is a J-O-O.
Kyle: What does me being a Jew have to do with anything?

Cartman: Well, I've been lickin' this carpet for 3 whole hours and I don't feel like a lesbian.

Mr. Garrison: Who was in charge of the feminist movement of the early '60's?
Cartman: A bunch of fat old skanks on their periods.
Mr. Garrison: Right. But who was the fattest, oldest skank on her period?

Cartman: Speaking of pounding ass, here come's Stan's little homo dog.

Cartman: You have rats in your house, too, Kenny?
Kenny: Mm-hm.
Cartman: Seriously, you better stop being so poor or else I'm gonna start huckin' rocks at you.

Cartman: It's an Afghanistan goat, so it can't stay here, or else it'll choke on the sweet air of freedom.


Stan: I don't want to shoot the bunny.
Uncle Jimbo: No nephew of mine is going to be a tree hugger.
Cartman: Yeah, hippie. Go back to Woodstock if you don't wnat to shoot anything.

Cartman: Don't worry, Tweek. Your family can go on welfare. Kenny's family's on welafare and they're happy, isn't that right, Kenny?
Kenny: **** you.

Cartman: Think about it - it's the easiest, crappiest music in the world, right? If we just sing about how much we love Jesus, all the Christians will buy our crap."

Cartman: You seem a little irritable, Kyle. You got some sand in your vagina?
Kyle: There's no sand in my vagina!


Cartman: Naw dude, Independent films are those black and white hippy movies. They're always about gay cowboys eating pudding.


Cartman: Excuse me, but I do believe that sucks ass.


Cartman: The fireman is very magical. Rub his helmet and he spits in your eye.

Cartman: Well, Kyle, appreciate you being so open with me about this, but as we know, you have a warped perception of reality because you're jewish.

Stan: OmiGod, you guys are not gonna believe what happened to me last night!
Cartman: What? tell us!
Stan: So, I'm watching the season premiere of 'Boy Meets Boy' on television, right, and then 'Queer Eye For the Straight Guy' comes on! So I fall asleep in front of the TV and when I wake up, I see that I've spilled the Coke I was drinking, ALL over my satin pajama top.
Cartman: OmiGod! Are you serious? That was the cutest top ever!
Stan: I know!
(Kenny mumbles)
Stan: Oh, tell me about it Ken Doll. .

Cartman: In the Ghetto! On a cold and gray Chicago morn, another baby child is born in the ghetto. In the ghetto!

Cartman (singing): Whenever I see Jesus up on that cross/I can't help but think that he looks kinda' hot.

Cartman: Sticks and stones may break my bones but I'm Jesus.

Stan: You can't just show up to a Civil War re-enactment dressed up like General Lee, FatAss.
Cartman: Oh really? I'm pretty sure I just did.

Cartman (As Native American): The white man has mocked my people long enough! You keep you goddamn mouth shut!!!

Cartman: Oh, oh, Jesus. I was laughing so hard--the milk came out of my nose.
Stan: Dude, you weren't drinking any milk.
Cartman: Huh?
Stan: You have to be drinking milk for that to happen.
Cartman: Not with me, man.

Cartman: Speilberg - Jew ... Lucas - Jew ... Kyle - Jew.

Choir Teacher: Well, that about does it. If you have any questions, I'll leave information packets up front.
Cartman: Oh that's good, we need some more toilet paper.

Cartman: Well God, I guess you got me again, didn't you? Yeah, that was a good one, God. Hope it made you laugh, you sick bastard.

Carman: Why does this happen every month? It seems like right about the same time every month, Kyle's mom gets a hair up her ass about something, and I always end up getting screwed by it.

Cartman: You guys are hella stupid.
Stan: Why do you keep saying 'hella", Cartman?
Cartman: 'Cuz I'm hella cool, that's why.

Cartman: Anyway Kenny, Yellow MegaMan is only $8.95, so maybe your mom can put it on layaway and make payments for a year or two.

Cartman: Too bad drinking scotch isn't a paying job or Kenny's dad would be a millionare!

Cartman: See, this is what we call an all-you-can-eat buffet. Here you can eat all you want for just $6.99. That's why everyone comes here on Tuesday nights, except for Kenny's family because for them, $6.99 is two year's income.

Cartman: Ummm, Mom...
Mrs. Cartman: Yes, honey?
Cartman: Um, can I got to the Special Olympics and beat all the special children?
Mrs. Cartman: No, honey, I believe that is for special children.
Cartman: You mean, I'm not special? I thought you said I was special.

Giblet

Ne-he-he-he-heh-heh

skywalker

No kitty its my pork pie. NO KITTY, BAD KITTY.