Guy speak

Seoige

Hello, I'd be really grateful for any hints you might be able to give me! I've been going out with my boyfriend for nearly 2years and everything is going briliantly, the only problem we seem to have is with discussing our realtionship. I'm not sure where the problem is exactly but if ever I try to bring up relationshipy questions he either gets all defensive like I'm blaming him or he just goes monosyllabic and i give up! Its not like I'm posing really big questions like serious commitment, breaking up or anything like that, just ones about how much time we spend together or where we spend it, or little niggly things...hope am not being too vague!! It usually ends up with me having bottled lots of things up that we haven't been able to talk over properly with him and then them all pouring out in a completely inappropriate mess of tears and hot headedness! Anyway, is it just a guy thing? and how can I get him to be more open with me and with how he feels our relationship is going??!!

Töpher

Guy's don't like to talk about relationships! Tbh, from a male POV, any questions involving relationship ststus set off a warning signal, usually "The end is nigh"...

astec123

Yup any guy instantly starts questioning himself over what went wrong the minute something like this comes up. Either speak to him and say that all is fine and you wanna talk, make it up to him afterwards somehow, as its awkward for us, the other option is to leave it alone and talk to friends about it.

Altheus

Yep, sounds about right.

Are you asking him specific or general questions? What exactly do you want to know.
Prepare the question in such a way that ever a monosyllabic gesture is fine...

Questions suchs as: "Do you think we spend enough time together?" are probably loaded... If he answers, 'yes'. Then he's answered your question. Bear in mind, we are terribly logical creatures, and often we think in black in white, and we all dream in it.

Questions about how much time, and where we spend it, usually would indicate a disatisfaction on your part straight away, so he's getting defensive...

besty

sounds like me youre describing. its nothing, honestly. just know when to back off

LadyJ

Uh I know your pain and frustration! Most men just want everything to be easy and peachy all the time. Anything that potentially threatens that is a hassle to them. I always find talking to them when they're kinda happy-drunk works!

Trojan

Nice insight there LJ (and good for your 666th post).

Alana

astec123 wrote:

the other option is to leave it alone and talk to friends about it.

That can be good if its like your best friend or someone who you know for certain won't say anything to a mutual friend- ie because they live in Australia or something...however I've had occasions were I'v found this to be a very very bad idea...as people pick things up wrong, and maybe blurt something out and then you have to deal with the whole "wtf were u doing talking to so and so about us"...not happy....at all.

Best bet is to just reassure him that ur happy u just like a car need to give it a check up or something-manly imagry might make him feel a lil more comfortable But i'd do it yourself not via other peeps

Endymion

So you ask him a question, Like why do you spend so much time with your friends and not me, and he says something like, cause I want to. And you burst into tears, Am I reading this right?

pretty-in-pink

That could be me+my fella to. Is this a constant man/woman communicatiion problem?

It sucks, I guess try be logical and stuff....but thats easy to say right?

Victor

It's quite possible he (a) doesn't have the vocabulary (b) sees feelings and emotions as weakness.

Gnetly, gently, catchy monkey.

Lex_Diamonds

Oral+flash cards. Works a treat.

chillywilly

i would say he is thinking: "there is nothing wrong with our relationship so why talk about it?"...and he is probably right...if they are really small things then leave them alone but if you really want to get it out of him then the happy drunk thing sounds like the way to go

Sleepy

Or, as most women learn over time:

The best time to talk to a guy about anything relationship related is post coitus. Both of you should be feeling secure about the other persons affections and you're both in, for want of a better expression "a happy place".

chillywilly

fine...take good advise then.....

simu

Lose the questions - they won't get you anywhere. For example, if you think both of you are spending too much or too little time together, just say it straight out.

woolymammoth

Seoige wrote:

is it just a guy thing?

yes.

Seoige wrote:

Its not like I'm posing really big questions...just ones about how much time we spend together or where we spend it, or little niggly things

why? really! guys don't see the point. and to us, those are big questions.

Seoige wrote:

It usually ends up with me having bottled lots of things up that we haven't been able to talk over properly with him and then them all pouring out in a completely inappropriate mess of tears and hot headedness!

um.. women? not in a sarcastic way, but don't you have female friends you can talk to?

i know there is an email that does the rounds every year or so, jokingly giving "advice" to women about how to deal with men. maybe you've not seen it. it goes along the lines of;

"if you have a question, just ask it. don't hint at it, give us clues, or anything else, just ASK!", plus lots more..

you girls might think its funny, but its actually funnier than you thnk, simply because its true. guys are simple, so its no good trying to do something in a complicated fashion with us like so many girls do.

don't ask him relationshipy questions.
just start chatting about how you spend you time together. just like that. no bullsh*t.

and if none of that does it for you, just show him your tits. then you can ask whatever you want. honestly!

Romer

Lex_Diamonds wrote:

Oral+flash cards.

But if you're real good at the oral, his eyes will be closed and he won't see the flash cards..

angeldelight

I know how frustrated you're feeling, someone I went out with was like that too and it drove me absolutely insane. There'd be something small bothering me that I'd want to sort out cause in general I was happy and as soon as anything was mentioned (in a completely non-confrontational way), the response was "why are you always arguing with me..." It eventually led to it all bubbling up and making me want to kill him within 10 minutes of meeting up with him. I dunno what to suggest, you could try explaining it's something that is important to you and you want to talk about it but it didn't work for me, maybe ur bf is more reasonable than mine was! Good luck

cordelia

IMO men are much more simplistic than we give them credit for. This is not to say that they don't have complicated emotions or needs. It's just that they don't generally waste as much time on the post/pre game analysis that we women do. Here's my take:

Woman: do we spend too much time together?
Man thinks: WTF? I like you, I'm around you. If I didn't want to be around you so much I wouldn't be. Simple. Why, do you think I'm around you too much? Am I coming across as a doormat?

Woman: How do you think our relationship is going?
Man Thinks: WTF? I'm with you, right? What, am I not serious enough? Did I not fix your car for you? Did I not take you with me to watch the football? Did I not introduce you to my parents? Jeysus, here we go, the beginning of the end. Next she'll be asking if I really love her.

Woman: Do you really love me?

and so it goes, ad infinitum.

I used to adher to this "discuss the status of the relationship" questionning until I decided that it was easier to relax and use statements instead.
So I'll say "I think we should spend more time together. I love you and I want to see more of you, perferably sans clothes and over breakfast. And you?"
Seriously...keeping it more factual, practical, with good humor, breaks down a man's reluctance to talk usually and opens up a conversation. You could try that approach next time. And don't let it build up. I think almost any fella will agree that the build up, followed by a torrent of tears and emotions, will send even the most modern of men into a panic. Men are action based.

The Corinthian

cordelia wrote:

Seriously...keeping it more factual, practical, with good humor, breaks down a man's reluctance to talk usually and opens up a conversation.

Finally the penny's dropped with at least one of them.

Altheus

Nakedness and relationship talk must go hand in hand.

Grimlock

You should read "Men Are From Mars" it'll answer a lot of your questions i'd say.

But as has already been mentioned, post shag is always the best time to apprach these things.

seamus

cordelia wrote:

I used to adher to this "discuss the status of the relationship" questionning until I decided that it was easier to relax and use statements instead.
So I'll say "I think we should spend more time together. I love you and I want to see more of you, perferably sans clothes and over breakfast. And you?"
Seriously...keeping it more factual, practical, with good humor, breaks down a man's reluctance to talk usually and opens up a conversation. You could try that approach next time. And don't let it build up. I think almost any fella will agree that the build up, followed by a torrent of tears and emotions, will send even the most modern of men into a panic. Men are action based.

Impressive. That's what I was going to post, but it was said before me.
When a man asks a question, it's because he requires a resolution to a problem he has. Thus, when you ask "Do you think we spend enough time together?" he thinks that you have a problem with the amount of time you're spending together, and his answer must provide a resolution that you'll accept.
In his mind, the only answer must be "No", since you wouldn't ask the question if you thought you were spending enough time together. This answer leads onto further things, and places where men don't want to go.

Do what cordelia said, make statements, not questions.

Seoige

Thank you!! It all makes a lot of sense, he really is quite logical and strightforward so hinting and subtle questioning doesn't work. Will try a few new approaches!! Thanks again

Duckjob

Cordelia hit the nail quite squarely on the head with her post. That's the perfect approach.

Whatever you do, never, *ever* open a conversation with the words 'We need to talk'. That's guaranteed to send shivers of dread and forboding down the spine of the average male.

Dr. Loon

That's it lads and ladies, keep those stereotypes alive. Grunt, grunt.

Duckjob

Dr. Loon wrote:

That's it lads and ladies, keep those stereotypes alive. Grunt, grunt.

Yes, because we are all in fact androgenous beings and it would be *shock horror* un-PC to even suggest that there may be differences between the thinking of men and women, and we wouldn't want to be un-PC now, would we?

simu

Duckjob wrote:

Yes, because we are all in fact androgenous beings and it would be *shock horror* un-PC to even suggest that there may be differences between the thinking of men and women, and we wouldn't want to be un-PC now, would we?

Look, if you want to get on with the opposite sex, you have to lose the clichés and engange with people as individuals - find out what their views of the world are, what they like, dislike and so on. Taking the time to do this is far more worthwhile than compiling lists of "features of men v. features of women". It's not PC but good sense.

Duckjob

simu wrote:

Look, if you want to get on with the opposite sex, you have to lose the clichés and engange with people as individuals - find out what their views of the world are, what they like, dislike and so on. Taking the time to do this is far more worthwhile than compiling lists of "features of men v. features of women". It's not PC but good sense.

Wasn't compiling anything, just don't see whats wrong with acknowledging that men and women have differences, not least in how they approach relationships.

simu

Duckjob wrote:

Wasn't compiling anything, just don't see whats wrong with acknowledging that men and women have differences, not least in how they approach relationships.

Well, given that a lot of people here seem to have major problems with the opposite sex, it's important to emphasise that there isn't some uncrossable chasm between the two sexes.

Duckjob

simu wrote:

Well, given that a lot of people here seem to have major problems with the opposite sex, it's important to emphasise that there isn't some uncrossable chasm between the two sexes.

Of course there's a bit of chasm there, but thats all part of the fun. Twould be boring if we all understood each other all the time.

simu

Duckjob wrote:

Of course there's a bit of chasm there, but thats all part of the fun. Twould be boring if we all understood each other all the time.

Indeed. Ultimately no one uderstands anyone. Tis all part of the joy and pain of being a human being.

(roll on the trumpets)

Duckjob

simu wrote:

Indeed. Ultimately no one uderstands anyone. Tis all part of the joy and pain of being a human being.

(roll on the trumpets)

Yes, Pacey . Only kidding, I know what you mean.

cordelia

Dr. Loon wrote:

That's it lads and ladies, keep those stereotypes alive. Grunt, grunt.

Men find 'em food. Women cook 'em food. Grunt, Grunt.

In all fairness, I have no wish to stereotype. I merely suggested what works for me. I don't think suggesting that the OP try a different approach to starting a conversation is such a bad thing. She states:

...he really is quite logical and strightforward so hinting and subtle questioning doesn't work.

And she's right. Hinting and subtle questioning DON'T work. With anyone usually. To me it represents the stuff of secondary school romance, "does he like me? Ask his best mate to ask him if we're a couple...!" I used to do that garbage. Now I try not to and I feel that I've had some of my better relationships as a result. However, I hold men to the same standards. Relationships only work when both people give it a go. I personally despise when fellas assume that I'm good with a relationship just because they are around. Like their presence, minus any other attempts, is enough to cause me to swoon in joy at my good fortune. Unless both parties work at being intellectually and emotionally intimate with each other it's going to crash and burn. Period.

We women do assume that guys are mind readers, which they are not. Neither are women. Getting past this assumption seems to me the best way to have a relationship with another person - be it friendship or romantic. It's just about telling someone else what you are thinking and what you need in a way which doesn't place him/her on the defensive or cause confusion. Communicating yourself in a thoughtful, respectful way minus the theatrics, assumptions, stereotypes, etc. Yes?

RainyDay

Sleepy wrote:

Or, as most women learn over time:

The best time to talk to a guy about anything relationship related is post coitus. Both of you should be feeling secure about the other persons affections and you're both in, for want of a better expression "a happy place".

Oh no, dear Lord no - Just let us sleep for Chrisssakes - not the dreaded questioning when your body just wants to curl up & snooze.

cordelia

RainyDay wrote:

Oh no, dear Lord no - Just let us sleep for Chrisssakes - not the dreaded questioning when your body just wants to curl up & snooze.

Can I hear an AMEN?

This is where duct tape comes in very handy...

Dr. Loon

I personally find this thing about blokes not understanding all these mad "female" questions stupid. If my girlfriend or anybody for that matter asked me "Do you think we spend enough time together?" Or some other such stupid question I would say, what the hell is that supposed to mean? Say it straight. Do you not? Or do you? What's the point of the question? Don't bother with all this tip toeing around and bull shítting. Maybe that's just me though.

Alot of the lads replies on this thread are actually living up to the male stereotype that's all over the place. That blokes don't think or have thoughts or intelligent, meaningful conversations. Statements like "most blokes would run a mile" and "guys are so simple" actually píss me off. Fúck that, I'm not simple.

Therefore, I say good work fellas, you just keep that stereotype going. Beer, football, games, sex, food. Yes and no answers. Don't cry. Fix cars. Electronics. etc...etc... Grrrrrr..

Ladies.... knitting, flowers, crying for no reason, teddy bears and puppies, overly emotional, bad driving, loaded questions. Keep it up.

Speak to people, male or female, as people.

Duckjob

Dr. Loon wrote:

I personally find this thing about blokes not understanding all these mad "female" questions stupid. If my girlfriend or anybody for that matter asked me "Do you think we spend enough time together?" Or some other such stupid question I would say, what the hell is that supposed to mean? Say it straight. Do you not? Or do you? What's the point of the question? Don't bother with all this tip toeing around and bull shítting. Maybe that's just me though.

Alot of the lads replies on this thread are actually living up to the male stereotype that's all over the place. That blokes don't think or have thoughts or intelligent, meaningful conversations. Statements like "most blokes would run a mile" and "guys are so simple" actually píss me off. Fúck that, I'm not simple.

Therefore, I say good work fellas, you just keep that stereotype going. Beer, football, games, sex, food. Yes and no answers. Don't cry. Fix cars. Electronics. etc...etc... Grrrrrr..

Ladies.... knitting, flowers, crying for no reason, teddy bears and puppies, overly emotional, bad driving, loaded questions. Keep it up.

Speak to people, male or female, as people.

Dr Loon there, angry, angry young man

Seriously, a sense of humour helps in these matters.

Dr. Loon

Duckjob wrote:

Dr Loon there, angry, angry young man

Took you a while to cop that! I've now realised, thanks to this thread, that I am an amazingly unique and brilliant person. Thank you all.

jesus_thats_gre

cordelia wrote:

IMO men are much more simplistic than we give them credit for. This is not to say that they don't have complicated emotions or needs. It's just that they don't generally waste as much time on the post/pre game analysis that we women do. Here's my take:

Woman: do we spend too much time together?
Man thinks: WTF? I like you, I'm around you. If I didn't want to be around you so much I wouldn't be. Simple. Why, do you think I'm around you too much? Am I coming across as a doormat?

Woman: How do you think our relationship is going?
Man Thinks: WTF? I'm with you, right? What, am I not serious enough? Did I not fix your car for you? Did I not take you with me to watch the football? Did I not introduce you to my parents? Jeysus, here we go, the beginning of the end. Next she'll be asking if I really love her.

Woman: Do you really love me?

and so it goes, ad infinitum.

I used to adher to this "discuss the status of the relationship" questionning until I decided that it was easier to relax and use statements instead.
So I'll say "I think we should spend more time together. I love you and I want to see more of you, perferably sans clothes and over breakfast. And you?"
Seriously...keeping it more factual, practical, with good humor, breaks down a man's reluctance to talk usually and opens up a conversation. You could try that approach next time. And don't let it build up. I think almost any fella will agree that the build up, followed by a torrent of tears and emotions, will send even the most modern of men into a panic. Men are action based.

I WANT YOU!!!