More than just shagbuddies???

Homerrules

HELP!!! so now I'm really confused - story so far: met a great guy 2 years ago (guy#1) , both single, we'd meet up and go for drinks, movies etc and have the most AMAZING sex. The physical chemistry & compatability between us is unquestionable (he has also told me this so it's not all in my head!!). Anyway a few months ago I decided I needed to know where i stood with him - I'd completely fallen for him. He said he just wasn't able to get involved in a relationship with me right now, he has too much going on in his life that he needs to sort himself out and he wouldn't be able to give me what I deserve. Following that I pulled right back - no more texting, calls, no more meeting up etc...Recently I started (proper) dating someone else and guy #1 spotted us in a pub. He has now been in contact with me regularly and 'casually' asking how things are going with the new guy. Can someone please tell me what is goin on? I would like to think that guy #1 is realizing what he could have had - or is it a territorial thing? How should I play this one? I like the new guy but i'm still crazy about guy #1 ....

meditraitor

Tuff situation to be in, sounds like you still have feelings for #1. What you have to realise is that if he didnt commit the first time, ( if I got it right you's were together for bout a year1/2), If he didnt commit in that time, he never will.
You hit the nail on the head with the territorial thing, guys(and woman) are like that.
Best thing to do is ignore his advances, dont reply otherwise he will think he has a chance, and if you still have feelings for him he could be right, then you will be back to were you started.

give the new relationship a chance...

LundiMardi

Yeah, tbh, all he wanted was an easy lay. His supply is running dry and now he's looking for more.

I don't mean this in a horrible way, but that's what i think.

Homerrules

Thanks for the advice guys - deep down I know I should keep away but its harder said than done. Besides, now I'm afraid I'm just seeing the new guy for the wrong reasons - to make guy #1 jealous. I'll just have to be fair to him and call it a day. Guy #1 is taking up to much of my headspace and until I meet someone who can take his place, I have to be honest and say I don't think I'll be able to say no to him- pathetic, I know...so pathetic

WhiteWashMan

hes probably just jealous.
doesnt mean he wants to go out with you, but just that he is jealous.

why, what does it matter if you are happy in your relationship?

Homerrules

I'm happy in the relationship with new guy, but is it fair to him if I'm really thinking about someone else?

Anyway, what gives guy #1 the right to be jealous when he is the one preventing us from having a (dare I say it) relationship??

LundiMardi

err, what? :rolleyes:

The man's allowed to be jealous ffs. Sounds to me like you're using guy #1 as an excuse to break up with guy #2

besty

its not fair on the new guy if youre thinking of guy no. 1 all the time.

Homerrules

Lundi you're probably right - thanks for that reality check. Defo gonna split with the new guy. Shagbuddies - it's a tough one ,not going there ever again (maybe that's another thread worth investigating...)
Cheers

froggie_1

i think you should say it to guy#1, tell him what he's doin is not fair. he has no right to do this to you when you have clearly shown that you werent happy and tried to break from him. if you feel that you could tell him you feel i think you should. he wants things both ways - doesnt want to commit to you but doesnt want to see you happy with someone else either - thats so not fair of him. tell him that. if had any regard for you i think he would just let you be happy. either ye give it a go together or he leaves you alone. thats just what i think anyway!

Homerrules

good idea, maybe I'll do that - I'm so headwrecked over this

LundiMardi

if you tell guy #1 that i think he'll laugh at you tbh. I mean what has he really done? ask how you're doing? yeah, that guy is such a prick!

Citizen Jake

I feel sorry for the new guy. Probably has no idea what he's stumbled into. Don't end up wrecking his head whatever you do. Cut him loose before he develops real feelings for you. So many times people get hurt because of the unfinished business of others. It's not fair. That's my 10 cents. Citizen.

Homerrules

No - he's not just 'asking how I am' - he's asking for details regarding my new relationship; where we go on dates etc..and then he contacts me the next day asking how the date went. For instance he was even trying to suss whether I'd slept with new guy yet. If the tables were turned, if a girl would ask a guy that stuff would she get away with it???. don't think so....

Homerrules

Thanks citizen, seems to be the way to go...cheers

Skip

Homerrules wrote:

No - he's not just 'asking how I am' - he's asking for details regarding my new relationship; where we go on dates etc..and then he contacts me the next day asking how the date went. For instance he was even trying to suss whether I'd slept with new guy yet. If the tables were turned, if a girl would ask a guy that stuff would she get away with it???. don't think so....

Spot on, and I'm afraid I'm in a similar situation just now, at least my feelings are just as confused as yours. I think even if you end up being alone after you dump #2, it's too unfair to be with him when you don't love him -- just think about it, the sheer fact that you started this thread means you are not happy in your new relationship now. So if you dump him, it may even work out for the better with #1 -- either way, good luck

As for being a shagbuddy, well... at least you can say you had good sex :rolleyes:

Homerrules

Yeah the prospect of being alone - particularly just coming into the 'summer' is pretty depressing but I can't play with new guys feelings any longer...ah well....

Sorry to her you're going through something similar Skip, let me know how it goes...

Victor

Maybe guy #1 is screwing with your head.

Maybe he's just being friendly and hoping you've moved on.

Hard to tell.

Greazo

Stick with your new b/f if i were you,this other guy took you for a mug and now he's seen you with someone else he wants you back,a ,ot of people are like that..stay well away

Greazo

Homerrules wrote:

Yeah the prospect of being alone - particularly just coming into the 'summer' is pretty depressing but I can't play with new guys feelings any longer...ah well....

Sorry to her you're going through something similar Skip, let me know how it goes...

Its not the be all and end all to be going out with someone,ive just broken up with my bird after over a year and though im upset hey im single again and its not the end of the world,what i am upset about is the way she treated me..

Mr. Presentable

Cut both of them loose - just to be sure!

Skip

Homerrules wrote:

Sorry to her you're going through something similar Skip, let me know how it goes...

It goes down the guttah, mostly my case is similar in that I can't move on, but I definitely can't move back either, cause #1 just doesn't want to know me any more. So I was thinking today should I invite #2 over to my place for some time this summer (we're not together but keep contact, and he already wanted to come earlier), but that'd be the wrong thing to do I guess, cause I know it'd seem like I wanna have him only cause I'm hurt and empty (which is true). So I guess it's none for me. Such a typical case... But at least I already told him clearly not to expect anything.

still, I'm so curious how it'd work out if he did come

But you have the hope that #1 wants you, that should keep you going on clearing up this thing.

LundiMardi

Greazo wrote:

Stick with your new b/f if i were you,this other guy took you for a mug and now he's seen you with someone else he wants you back,a ,ot of people are like that..stay well away

What? They were shagbuddies, even the op says it. Why has he taken her for a mug? Do you mean coffee?

Citizen Jake

To Skip and OP,

been thinking about your "predicaments" and not sure if you guys are worried about the "new guys'" feelings or whether you've got someone to keep you company for the summer. Not sure I feel so sorry for you guys right now or simply that you guys are very, very young. Are you people the kind of folk who simply cannot be outside a relationship (of sorts) for more than 10 minutes?

Homerrules

Citizen, you couldn't be more wrong - I'm late 20's and haven't been in a relationship for over 2 years. Simply put, I'm sick of being on my own now...thought I had met a potential boyfriend but it turned into a shagbuddy situation - I wanted something more but he won't/can't give it but he is still taking up too much of my headspace and I can't get him outta there. FYI I did the right thing and split with new guy today - on good terms too....

Skip

Citizen Jake wrote:

To Skip and OP,

been thinking about your "predicaments" and not sure if you guys are worried about the "new guys'" feelings or whether you've got someone to keep you company for the summer. Not sure I feel so sorry for you guys right now or simply that you guys are very, very young. Are you people the kind of folk who simply cannot be outside a relationship (of sorts) for more than 10 minutes?

There'd be no need to feel sorry for me anyway (I'm sorry enough for myself ), my case is just too typical for that, I posted it here only to suggest Homerrules' situation is similar to mine and that it's far from ideal.

Otherwise what Homerrules said applies to me too, except that I'm over 30.

Actually, I don't even know where you got those ideas of yours from, on the basis of what both of us posted here -- she asked advice if she should break off with the new guy cause she didn't feel honest about their relationship, and I myself didn't even start it with my "newguy", knowing it wouldn't be honest either, at least not at this point -- so I don't get into relationships "of sorts" just to be in a relationship, quite the contrary.

LegacyUser

To be honest, I am in the same situation except I am guy #1 as badly as that sounds and you are the girl. Thing is, the girl is acting like she still really likes me.

On sunday when i was out, she bumped into me and we were not on speaking terms... because around halloween to January, I had been scoring her...and I was too scared to go out with her just because I am kind of afraid of relationships since i have not been in many...i just usually play the field a bit...and she thought i simply did not like her when i told her i don't go out with people which is fair enough looking back. But she only told me this on sunday and got really annoyed when i danced with other girls. I have no idea why as she has a boyfriend who she is going to canada with for the summer. Ske kept re-iterating how much she still liked me but she has a boyfriend.

Anyway nothing can be done as i am off to california in 3 hours for four months...oh well maybe when i grow a bollox i will do something. what a kick in the nuts. And this post is pointless as it's my fault it's like this. oh sigh...

anyway sorry for hijacking. and if this post sounds depressing, i don't mean it to be as i am not depressed just kind of dissapointed in myself.

silly

besty wrote:

its not fair on the new guy if youre thinking of guy no. 1 all the time.

i was in the same situ as that not too long ago.

i started going out with a friend i knew liked me just to get over some1 else.
in the end i realised that what i was doing was totally wrong so finished it.

i got back with the "some1 else" soon after but it didnt work out again.

i wont be jumping into another realtionship to get over him again, i lost a friend last time.

silly

Homerrules wrote:

I did the right thing and split with new guy today - on good terms too....

good to hear.....

hope it all works out for you.

Citizen Jake

Homerrules wrote:

Citizen, you couldn't be more wrong - I'm late 20's and haven't been in a relationship for over 2 years. Simply put, I'm sick of being on my own now...thought I had met a potential boyfriend but it turned into a shagbuddy situation - I wanted something more but he won't/can't give it but he is still taking up too much of my headspace and I can't get him outta there. FYI I did the right thing and split with new guy today - on good terms too....

Skip and OP,

Firstly OP, you did the right thing. Skip, sorry if I seemed harsh but the landscape of life is filled with the wreckage caused by people's instinctive ability to break hearts intentionally and unintentionally. I've been guy *1 and *2, I've caused the hurt and been hurt. I suggest better decision-making and being deliberate in your choices. Either you want someone or you don't, either they want you or they don't. If someone can't commit and you want them to, save yourself the pain and walk away. If you're merely keeping someone on a leash and have no real interest in them, then cut them lose. They deserve better.

Stench Blossoms

Stay away from guy No. 1 anyway. If he didnt want to be in a relationship first time round i doubt he'll be ready for one now.