His father seems to be controlling....

NeilN

Hi, everyone. I'm a British based Irish man and this is my first post, sadly its a problem

I've been with my fiancee for 10 months, and we spend plenty of time together around at each other's homes and with our families. I'm about to move into his family home in the next 5 weeks, and what's putting me off is his father.

His Dad, seems to be moody, foul-tempered and tries to control the way my fiancee thinks and offers opinions e.g his Dad is always right.

There seems to be some sort of drive into getting rid of him, because he moans if there is an ashtray or pen on his pile of magazines on the armchair rest, he moans if he goes onto the family PC, and has put a "tracker log" thing on there, he moans if he speaks his mind or does something out of place etc.. He is in fact the same now, with his sister who is his father's personal favourite. There is a strict no-swearing rule, when he utters the f word every 2nd sentence.

I know, I'm going to have to put up with this, until I can get a place of our own, but I feel I'm gonna crack. I cant mention anything in case it ruins the relationship, and I don't want to ruin something so wonderful as our relationship. His mother is lovely, but his Dad is the total opposite.

I know I could make up a sob-story at the council office saying I'm homeless and have nowhere to go, but I don't want to do that. We're both nearly 21, and this is too much for someone our age.

What should I do about this?

Gordon

If you are ready to move in together then you should be able to speak to him about it. Are you working? Can you in the near future afford with your fiancee to move out?

Also, I didn't know it was legal for two men to get engaged to each other in Britain now, has it always been allowed?

secret_squirrel

I dont see how you can do anything about this? Its the guy's house after all. If you have such a big issue with the guy why are you moving in?

He's allowing you to move in with your partner - I think you should count yourself lucky - not everyone his age (at least 40+ I assume from your ages) is going to be as tolerant of a same sex relationship.

Its your choice - put up with the Dad's attitude or dont move in.

If its that much of a problem wait until the both of you can afford a place of your own.

How long have you been together?

Only Human

Gordon wrote:

Also, I didn't know it was legal for two men to get engaged to each other in Britain now, has it always been allowed?

I always thought it was illegal for a religious marriage and legal for a civil marriage?

secret_squirrel

I believe a civil union for Gay couples will come into effect on Dec 21st 2005 in the UK

Stephanos

The fact of the matter is that while you are living under his father's roof he does have the right to be and do whatever he pleases - I mean its his home. I can see your frustration at the situation but perhaps you should just consider it a means to end. You should also consider the fact that it might be placing a strain on your relationship and is saving money really a reason to gamble everything.

Consider yourself lucky he lets you live there at all. What does he owe you?

OfflerCrocGod

Don't do it. Don't move in there you will end up regretting it, I can smell the big mess this will make from a mile away. Why can't you stay were you are?

NeilN

OfflerCrocGod wrote:

Don't do it. Don't move in there you will end up regretting it, I can smell the big mess this will make from a mile away. Why can't you stay were you are?

I can't stay where I am, because my fiance will be studying in the university in his home town, and I have applied for numerous jobs and a college place in his home town.

His Dad's attitude is cool to me, but not to my fiancee which is what worries me. I know I just remain quiet and keep out of matters, so I'm not that worried about him.

I could apply for a place of our own, but all I'd get is scummy little flats in rough estates plus there is a dog in tow too.

secret_squirrel

I find your post somewhat troubling - has your fiance put pressure on his dad to allow you to stay? If so it explains the coolness.

How far away are you from his hometown? Cant you visit regularly and wait until you have enough money saved up?

It might also be good for your relationship - how long have you been seeing each other? Have you been apart much?

You do realise how much people can change when they go off to college? You will be in a terrible situation if this happens to your fiance?

Im not sure you realise how hard its going to be - especially if you are giving up your job as well to join your fiance.

I dont want to be mean but based purely on your posts you dont sound that you are mature enough to deal with all the problems this situation may cause.

Trojan

Do not live with in-laws ever.

Stick to that simple rule and everyone's life will be much easier.

NeilN

secret_squirrel wrote:

I find your post somewhat troubling - has your fiance put pressure on his dad to allow you to stay? If so it explains the coolness.

How far away are you from his hometown? Cant you visit regularly and wait until you have enough money saved up?

It might also be good for your relationship - how long have you been seeing each other? Have you been apart much?

You do realise how much people can change when they go off to college? You will be in a terrible situation if this happens to your fiance?

Im not sure you realise how hard its going to be - especially if you are giving up your job as well to join your fiance.

I dont want to be mean but based purely on your posts you dont sound that you are mature enough to deal with all the problems this situation may cause.

1) It was my idea, if I could stay there

2) I don't have a job in Birmingham, and I will finish this course in a month.

3) He does live with me in my Dad's home with me in Birmingham and we are at his on weekends and holidays.

4) We've been together 10 months, and since Feb we've practically spent every day bar two together.

5) My Dad has all but left home to move to Halesowen. He's giving the house up soon, and I hardly have any family in fact anyone back home in Birmingham now apart from my grandfather, and I don't want to put ANY pressure on him.

Victor

Liam Sweet Burger wrote:

Consider yourself lucky he lets you live there at all. What does he owe you?

Civil behavior.

Victor

NeilN wrote:

4) We've been together 10 months, and since Feb we've practically spent every day bar two together.

Thats sounds a little quick - "shotgun wedding" style.

Just to distinguish (and I realise the rules are changing).
* fiancé - A man to who is engaged to be married.
* fiancée - A woman who is engaged to be married.

secret_squirrel

Halesowen isnt too far from Brum - can you go there with your dad?

I really think you are taking a big chance moving in...hows his dad been on weekends?

How far away is he going to be?

seamus

A man's house is his castle. Seriously, if you can't put up with it, don't put yourself into it. There is f*ck all else you can do.

NeilN

secret_squirrel wrote:

Halesowen isnt too far from Brum - can you go there with your dad?

I really think you are taking a big chance moving in...hows his dad been on weekends?

How far away is he going to be?

My Dad and his woman's house, is too small for me to live there and she has two kids that are both under 15. Plus, my Dad has always said to me for my reward of being loyal to him, I could move out to a different town.

Weekends, and breaks' his Dad has been fine with. Birmingham to Coventry is something like 25-30 miles away, and the stupid house I have is too much to run, and too big.

secret_squirrel

So let me get this clear?

You are in Birmingham. Your dad is moving to Halesowen (approx 10 miles).
Your Fiancé is moving back to Coventry (approx 30 miles from Brum/Halesowen) from Brum to live with his dad?

So we're not exactly talking about a long distance relationship here are we? Im sure the transport links between Brum and Coventry are fairly reasonable.

You have reservations about moving in with his dad - and it sounds like his dad does too. So you are jepardising your relationship with you future father-in-law and possibly your financé so you can stay close to him?
Your relationship should be strong enough to survive the small seperation and it might be healthy for you to be apart for a while - you have only been together a little while - it will be a good test of your engagement. In the mean time you can look for a job in Coventry and then move there on your own terms. At the moment you dont seem to be considering any option other than moving in with his dad. Are you sure you arent acting a bit needy?

Oh and what does this mean?

neiln wrote:

Plus, my Dad has always said to me for my reward of being loyal to him, I could move out to a different town.