broke up, what next after 6 years?

babykiten

hey guys after moving to london i had to walk out sunday morning after 6 years, sick of his mates being more important - his immature behavior (hes almost 20 going on 30 this year) and his sneaking around and little white lies.

I went to my mates here sunday morning with my suitcase i had enuff and he has only texted me, not even called, yet he says hes been cryin cos he misses me, but yet he hasnt tried to find me or ask me to come back home, i have to admit i am shocked a little, im shocked i left without saying goodye. he said it was my fault i left and im the one that gave up, but he treated me badly so what could i do. i wish this mess would go away!!!

arkles

sorry to hear that, let him stew for awhile, i have been in a similar situ with roles reversed, it all depends on how deeply ye feel for each other, if both of u love each other it will be ok, trust me

AARRRGH

Well, time heals all wounds.

However, there are two sides to this story, and no doubt he was keepnig white lies etc. because of something you were (maybe subconsciously) making him do.

The fact that you moved out seemingly to see would he ask you to move back home shows maybe he isn't the only immature one in this relationship

Really, I'm not trying to be harsh, but the amount of girls I've met who don't live in reality is ridiculous. Have a proper heart to heart with him. Find out what the problems are.

Zulu

babykiten wrote:

I went to my mates here sunday morning with my suitcase i had enuff and he has only texted me, not even called, yet he says hes been cryin cos he misses me, but yet he hasnt tried to find me or ask me to come back home, i have to admit i am shocked a little, im shocked i left without saying goodye. he said it was my fault i left and im the one that gave up, but he treated me badly so what could i do. i wish this mess would go away!!!

You moved out. He's given you space, and your complaining? If he was to be ringing you every hour? if he started trying to track you down?
YOU MOVED OUT.
Sorry if I sound harsh - but you could have rang him. You could have talked to him about it - but you moved out without even so much as a goodbye. You appear to be upset because he hasn't come crawling after you. To be honest - I've very little sympathy for you.

babykiten

ok fair enough- i know i didnt do it the right way but i felt so mentally drained

Zulu

babykiten wrote:

ok fair enough- i know i didnt do it the right way but i felt so mentally drained

Well then. You can't expect people to be mind readers. I don't know what you want us to say here, or how we can help you, but, if you've made a mistake, and you want to get back together with him. Talk to him. If you don't want to get back together with him - it's going to hurt for a while. You've lost a best mate. But you'll get over it. And you'll meet someone else in time.

babykiten

i do love him, its just not really working out with his best mate in the house, its to wierd, i cant voice my feelings or if we have a row, im stuck in the room while they chill together and he has a mate to talk to. they smoke hash every day and its like hes a permanent stoner, sorry!! his mate started to smoke loads andd he got into it too. I am mentally drained of his mates traipsing in and out f the house - its my house too, but he seems to take his mates side a bit more. I dont want everything just a bit of respect.

babykiten

i do love him and ill try my best to sort it, but im not so sure about livin with him and his mates and future, its too stressfull anyway we both have good jobs, its like hes avoiding moving in with me on his own, he says its to 'save money' but the ironic thing is- we havent saved aything anyway...?? i think after this long, it should be about what i want to thats all!!

Fools Gold

Such the sensitivity from you lot! Brings a tear to my eye!
Youre not gonna be able to explain what youre goin through on here, some of us have an idea from our own experiences but youre the only one who really knows how youre feeling and youre the only one who will be able to decide what to do. yup things look bleak but it will get easier with time whatever you decide to do. The main thing is you're not happy with your relationship so it has to change simple as that, either its unsalvageable and you move on or you have a go at changing it so that youre both happier. Either way best of luck

ARGINITE

livin with him and his mates and future,

Talk to him tell him how you feel about living with him and his mate, listen to what he has to say and then make a decission. If he loves you, he will understand you.

petes

babykiten wrote:

i do love him, its just not really working out with his best mate in the house, its to wierd, i cant voice my feelings or if we have a row, im stuck in the room while they chill together and he has a mate to talk to. they smoke hash every day and its like hes a permanent stoner, sorry!! his mate started to smoke loads andd he got into it too. I am mentally drained of his mates traipsing in and out f the house - its my house too, but he seems to take his mates side a bit more. I dont want everything just a bit of respect.

Have you told him this?

babykiten

yup, i have, but its like he doesnt listen really...?? he started talking when the lease is up in 2 months that we should move into a bigger house with more people to svae money which i know we wont- anyway i dont want that- i moved here to e with him, not another 3 or 4 people! i know plenty of people that dont need to do that, im thinking its like a crap excuse!


reason i left sunday morning is cos his mate was out all night and he forgot his keys, the boyf go up and then went upstairs with him craked open cans of beers and started rolling spliffs, not so sure this is the sitch that i want to be in - he was up there 3 hours and said 'its my mates house too' when i complained they were making noise- i was up from 7 am til 10 am and he didnt even notice me pack my stuff and go. i think that behav is a bit extreme, and its an occurance that isnt too uncommon

Nuttzz

maybe i'm getting old.... but i think you were right to go.

He's looking for a party house, you are looking to settle down. There wouldnt be any compromise tbh. He isnt ready to settle obviously, shame after 6 years but thats life, move on

ARGINITE

Nuttzz wrote:

He's looking for a party house, you are looking to settle down.

Ya thats what it sounds like. I think ye have a lot to talk about.
Make it clear to him what you want and try to work things out, its all you can do.
Really hope it works out for you.

OfflerCrocGod

He sounds like a 7 year old to be frank. He wants to be a child - just leave him be he may or may not regret being on his own (he may be too stoned for that) but you would definitely regret wasting your life with this unmatured bum.

babykiten

thats what i feel too. tahts why i left, i have to figure out do i want to live my life like this? it was all very fine when i was 21 or whatever, but that was 5 years ago!

He is approaching 30 this year and no matter ho he denies it, it seems like he wants his cake and he wants to eat it!

Santa Claus

Have you actually given him an ultimatum that it's either you or his mate he shares with but not both??
Speaking as a guy, I'd say that as his GF of 6 years it's not an unreasonable demand to make.

Also speaking as a recently turned 30 year old, my ex who I still talk to pointed out to me that once i turned 29 I suddenly got more and more immature....Maybe it's a common thing us blokes do when we see the big three zero looming, thinking the golden party days of our 20's are coming to an end ?!?

babykiten

yeah i havent issued him an ultimatum, but i have told him how i feel about it and of course i moved out now, so i am serious about what i say.

I think u have a point- hes 29 and hes like a child its unreal how much he thinks he can get away with!

but seriously after this long, i think its time he realised that im not happy with where this is going and if he wants to let me go then theres nuthing i can do

Lochaber

Nuttzz wrote:

maybe i'm getting old.... but i think you were right to go.

He's looking for a party house, you are looking to settle down. There wouldnt be any compromise tbh. He isnt ready to settle obviously, shame after 6 years but thats life, move on

@Babykiten: I had a similar experience (didn't get back together) and I kind of agree with the above but if you do still love him then you really have to talk to him, it may do no good but you don't want to spend the rest of your life (an exaggeration I know...) wondering if you both could have worked through it...

imo though... you can't live your life with someone hoping they'll change...

Santa Claus

babykiten wrote:

yeah i havent issued him an ultimatum, but i have told him how i feel about it and of course i moved out now, so i am serious about what i say.

I think u have a point- hes 29 and hes like a child its unreal how much he thinks he can get away with!

but seriously after this long, i think its time he realised that im not happy with where this is going and if he wants to let me go then theres nuthing i can do

I'd say the immaturity is due to impending age but also living with his mate.
I share with my best mate and while there's quite a lot of farting/jokes/playing playstation when drunk/general lads stuff goes on in the apartment, when my ex or his GF came round then we'd change back to adult mode again (well as near as we could pass to being adults!).
I'd imagine in your case because he was living with you and his mate that the lines became blurred, and I'm sure while he never made the mistake of acting like he would with you when with his mate (i.e. asking his mate if there was any chance of a shag), I'm sure it'd be a lot easier for everything to become a laugh or a game with you becuase that's the way it is with his mate.

Sounds like he needs to grow up and moving away from his mate will help in doing that (especially if his mate is a stoner).
If you still love him and it's only the immaturity thing that bugs you, then how about suggesting that you will move back ONLY if he agrees that you're going to start looking for an apartment/house for just the 2 of you and tell his mate you'll be moving out in 2 months.

Either way, he has to make a choice....grow up and live with you or stay a kid with his mate and lose you until his mate finds someone and grows up when he'll then be left on his own !

babykiten

That is damn good advice. i think you are coming from a good angle on that one- cos the mates do grow up aswell and get a chick of their own.

Kell

babykiten wrote:

i was up from 7 am til 10 am and he didnt even notice me pack my stuff and go.

Even if you were a one night stand and I didnt think you were the best lay, I might just be a bit concerned that you were packing up and heading off.

Could be a case that he was trying to give you a hint to go away rather than have the balls to dump you, like so many pathetic losers out there. You both have crossed expectations of what you want from the relatiopnship, so time to move on for good and find someone that gives you what you want instead of wasting your time with this tosser. Also ref my acclaimed quote on the
"another what do I do" thread for the breakdown of what happens next.

Oh, and chin up. You were right to have done as you did.

K-

Santa Claus

Kell wrote:

Even if you were a one night stand and I didnt think you were the best lay, I might just be a bit concerned that you were packing up and heading off.

Or it could just be that he was too stoned off his head with his mate to notice her packing !!!!

Kell wrote:

Could be a case that he was trying to give you a hint to go away rather than have the balls to dump you, like so many pathetic losers out there

If he was trying to give her a hint to leave then why would he admit to her that he's been crying since she left him ???

jesus_thats_gre

babykiten wrote:

I went to my mates here sunday morning with my suitcase i had enuff and he has only texted me, not even called, yet he says hes been cryin cos he misses me, but yet he hasnt tried to find me or ask me to come back home, i have to admit i am shocked a little, im shocked i left without saying goodye.

You know this could be the final straw for him. You seem to have left as a way blackmailing him and I honestly say that it is your own fault if it backfires. I would nearly be satisfied if it does.

If he called or text you 5 or 6 times in the day they he would be a "pest" and you would probably think he was some sort of needy user. Yet when he gives you your space and basically respects your decision, you are shocked by this.

I think you should grow up a little and decide what you want. If you want to be with him, swallow your pride and stop these sort of childish acts. They will eventually cause him to loose any respect he has for you and not go to any effort to get you back if you ever walk out..

Oh wait, it has happened already.

jesus_thats_gre

Mind you, I only just read the rest of the thread so I the above might be a bit harsh

CathyMoran

To the OP - sometimes you just have to take a stand, no matter how much you try to talk to someone they choose not to listen - hopefully he will see what has happened and you two can talk seriously now - maybe you could try to talk to him? If not, then you know that it is time to move on. People can change a lot in their 20's and people can move apart. I do hope that you two make it, but if you do not being single for a short while is not a bad thing.

Lochaber

Hmm... the other thing that I would say is important is that you need to look at why you got together in the first place and is he still the person he was back then and are you still the person you were...?

In my case it wasn't that he was any different, it was that I was. I don't need to tell you that six years is a pretty long time and priorities do change, I didn't want to live like I was still in college and he did (I imagine, who knows what ppl are really thinking...) I realise that I'm probably making this sound less complicated than it is but... *shrug*

Anyway who knows, it sounds to me like he might be trying to push you away and then again maybe he really is afraid of growing up and if he takes the step and moves in with you on your own then that's another step in growing older... or maybe he's was just afraid that if you two move in together on your own that you'll realise that your relationship ain't that great and he'll lose you *shrug* How are the two of you when you are alone together?

hmm... After all that my advice is, as others have said... the two of you really need to talk it out..

Maybe in time his priorities will change (that's what you want right?) and maybe this is the wake-up call he needed, you just have to decided if he's worth it and if you're both willing to work on the relationship to make it happen... easier said than done I know...

Kell

Santa Claus wrote:

If he was trying to give her a hint to leave then why would he admit to her that he's been crying since she left him ???

By text? What sort of fúcking sad ass loser trys to patch up his six year relationship by text, while claiming that it was all her fault anyways. I think you'll find the answer in the question and thats why this gimp should be left to his own devices.

K-

iguana

Babykitten, I'm sorry to hear that things have gone so far, but you haven't been happy for a while. Whatever way this works out at least you have made a move to change things rather than continue on in a situation you hated.

Before you talk to him you should figure out what you really want. It seems that what you want is for the 2 of you living in your own place, but what else. Are you happy to stay in London? Do you want to feel as if there is a potential for a longer term commitment, I know after 6 years I would (hell, I'd need it in half that time). If it was the 2 of you living alone together would you be ok if he was out til all hours, or had his friends around all the time? Because if that wouldn't be ok you need to make it clear.

I think he is being a bit of an ass. He may not mean to be but he is treating you unfairly. You are probably not perfect either but he seems to need to cop on before you can work together on your relationship. Or maybe deep down he isn't willing to do what it takes to have a proper relationship. He may still love you, he may miss you but be prepared that he may not want to do what you need. Of course, perhaps he was ignoring how unhappy you were and pretending to himself that things were fine and will be willing to change things now that you have forced the issue.

Whatever you do though, make sure you know what you want and need, what you are willing to compromise on, and what you can not. Don't get back together however tempted you are if he isn't willing to change things. You will only be drawing out a bad relationship and keeping yourself unhappy for longer.

Decide what you want, prepare yourself and call him.

And good luck.